What has happened with you? You have made some sort of dramatic turn around... you appear to be SO strong and SO grounded now !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What happened? Where did all this growth arise?

Pep

<small>[ December 10, 2004, 08:17 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

1. Becoming fluent in Reverse Babble (thanks, Orchid!)
2. Getting a full-time job that pays real money into my own personal bank account. Being a published novelist is great, but with rare exception you can't live on it.
3. A solid week of stone-cold Plan B while H was out of town. That made the difference like nothing else.

Thanks for asking!
Mulan

You sound happy ! Is my perception correct?

Pep

Carefully, yes. I am waiting to see what happens after the holidays. There have been some very positive *actions* recently, and not just words, so I am in "watchful waiting" mode. (I think Lemonman would get the reference.)

Once it sunk in that "I Will Move Out When Son Leaves" was not a threat, but a promise, the concrete began to crumble. I think it began to dawn on him that, as I said, there was no reason for me to stay with someone who had no interest in what I did and had no interest in sharing his personal life with me -- and who made it clear to the whole world that he'd rather be with some other woman than with me.

He could not understand what the problem was, when our house was very nice and whenever we *were* spending time together we always got along well.

I had to spell it out for him that I was not a wh*re who was just here for the money and I was sorry he thought I was. I wanted someone to share my life with and, even moreso, who wanted me to share his life. If that wasn't him, then fine, I would keep saving my own money and get out ASAP so that maybe I could find someone who *did* want me.

Then he went out of town for a week. I told him to leave a message on the machine if he needed something and call Son on Son's cell phone (always on) if he wanted to talk to him.

I know he never thought that would happen. But I quietly hung up the phone when he asked to talk to me, and I did not call, page, email or send an owl the entire week.

I did not enjoy this, but if that's what it takes then that's what it takes. Nothing else even made a dent. He just thought I was "throwing a fit" or being a b*tch to "punish" him and thought if he just waited out the storm I'd "get it out of my system" and things would be all good again.

It never occurred to him before that maybe I really WAS that upset and I really HAD had enough. I'm sure that's why Plan B works. Nothing else will make these people take you seriously -- you're just a pain in the @ss up to that point, and what do you do with that? Bully it or ignore it.

Not anymore.

Thanks
Mulan

Once you start making choices using your principles (and not your emotional reactions) and you support your boundaries using your values and your integrity ... things seem to become clearer, don't they? Clearer, not necessarirly easier, and certainly not painless.

One thing I learned during the myriad of parenting classes we took to try and reign in our wild son...

"Don't make a liar out of yourself. If you promise a consequence for a certain misbehavior, you better deliver, or you make yourself into a liar."

So... don't make any threats ... but keep your word!

It's really all about self-control and self-management, isn't it? I remember your "old" sig name ... and babe, you sure ain't that chick any longer.!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

***"Don't make a liar out of yourself. If you promise a consequence for a certain misbehavior, you better deliver, or you make yourself into a liar." So... don't make any threats ... but keep your word!***

Yes, I learned that one years ago while learning to ride and train horses. *Never* bluff a horse! Or a kid, for that matter.

***It's really all about self-control and self-management, isn't it? I remember your "old" sig name ... and babe, you sure ain't that chick any longer.!!!***

Oh, I don't know . . . it was really just a mtter of finding the strength to do what needed to be done. She's still there when I need her -- and that's not always a bad thing.

Ever see the old original *Star Trek* episode where a transporter accident splits Captain Kirk into two parts, one purely good and the other purely evil? The Evil Kirk was wild and emotional and impulsive, but without him Good Kirk lost all his strength and all ability to make decisions. In the end he had to accept and re-integrate Evil Kirk, and then he was normal again.

Once I started *using* that strength and anger instead of fearing it, things got better. Hey, there's a little psychob*tch in every woman. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks again -
Mulan/you-know-who

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I learned that one years ago while learning to ride and train horses. *Never* bluff a horse! Or a kid, for that matter.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is fantastic. Our son was in a treatment center school and part of his program was handling horses... it was a sort of responsibility/trusting relationship experience.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, I don't know . . . it was really just a mtter of finding the strength to do what needed to be done. She's still there when I need her -- and that's not always a bad thing.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I love this response!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ever see the old original *Star Trek* episode where a transporter accident splits Captain Kirk into two parts, one purely good and the other purely evil? The Evil Kirk was wild and emotional and impulsive, but without him Good Kirk lost all his strength and all ability to make decisions. In the end he had to accept and re-integrate Evil Kirk, and then he was normal again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes that old TV show was pretty darn cerebral, ya know?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Once I started *using* that strength and anger instead of fearing it, things got better. Hey, there's a little psychob*tch in every woman. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well .... I really appreciate your responses so much... thank YOU!

Pep

<small>[ December 25, 2004, 03:27 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Cherished,
I haven't read that book, but I did see part of the *Oprah* show where they were talking about it. Hearing all that was like being splashed with a bucket of cold water. It was one of the things I talked to H about, very calmly, and I think it had the same effect on him.

Another very good book is *The Rules.* It was widely ridiculed when it came out, and still is, but I bought a copy for my then-teenaged daughter. She ended up using its guidelines for a while and met a great guy who is now a great husband to her. Wish I'd known about that book when I was in high school.

Good luck to you, and stay strong -
Mulan

<small>[ December 25, 2004, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

<small>[ December 25, 2004, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

<small>[ December 25, 2004, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Mulan,

Merriest of Christmases to you. I have also noticed the amazing transformation in the past few months!! It's just WOW!!! Ever since you wrote that letter....it just seems you've been empowered. And I can't believe you've finally done a Plan B!!!! I am so so so so happy to see you empowered in this way!!

(((((((((((((((Merry Mulan Christmas!)))))))))))