I discovered the affair 7 months ago. Five months ago he ended it (?). Now I find out that he still prays for her everyday. When confronted he says that it's between him and God and that the affair is over. I say that prayer is a very intimate thing and he's still carrying on with her on an emotional level. The issue is tearing us apart. Anyone have any thoughts? What would Dr.Harley say?

Hi,

Hm.... gotta ask Dr. Harley himself. I'd say he is asking God to sanction something God's own words clearly condemns. Does he realize this?

He prays for the OW? To be an OW? Do you think God would even consider hearing such a prayer? If God chooses not to hear such prayers......is he wasting his time or is he praying for another reason NOT in line with God's will and purpose?

L.

I don't know "what or how" he prays about her. He may be asking God to help her recover from this too. Regardless, he thinks I am making selfish demands and won't negotiate on the issue. I say he's trying to twist the message of "Surviving and Affair." Moreover, I have been asking him throughout this whole thing if he's still praying for her and he has lied and said "no" until yesterday. They had a very spiritual as well as emotinal affair. She was baptized in June and I read her testimony - she credits my husband with leading her to the Lord. Talk about a twisted world!

You know this is scary because of the lengths some WS/OPs go to in accomodating their A.

Is your H in a position of responsibility in your church?

L.

No, he is not involved in church leadership. We have been seeing a MC, but it seems to be doing no good. OW lives on the east coast, we live in the mountain states, so I'm pretty sure they haven't had any physical contact for the last 5 months. But even after he said he would end the affair, he carried on with her via email for 2 months until I discovered it. Every single piece of info that I have about the affair is due to my own snooping around. He has never come clean about anything. He even initially justified the affair by calling it polygamy, since he didn't want to divorce me, but claimed I wasn't meeting his sexual needs. A am about to lose it.

Ok PM, pull yourself together now. Yea much easier said than done so if you need a good cry....go ahead.

How familar are you with our fog babble discussions? The reason I ask is because your WS is doing just that babbling all over the place. Some of it hurts you because you are trying to see his statements from a logical POV. Well that won't work, he's too fogged up.

Polgamy? OW on the east coast? Stupid, stupid stupid.

Learn to differentiate between true H convo vs WS stupid stuff.

L.

I'm new to this and not familiar with fog babble stuff. How does that work?

I believe that it is an unrealistic request of you to ask if he prays for the OW...

God alone will decide the validity of his prayers for her no matter what they are....

and asking someone about their personal prayers is set up to fail...

Infact you yourself should pray for the OW...that she sees the destruction of her actions and destroys no more..

it is an unrealistic and disrepectful request on your part in my opinion....

you know not what his prayers are about her...but God does....

he will take of things on his end...
and you can always pray that he is praying for the right things for her..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

this is not the battle to choose
this is not the hill to die on...

and you are going to shoot yourself in the foot if you keep demanding the truth and then turn around and use the truth against him...

BUT what you must address is the FACT that you are not in recovery....
until you two go to counseling and work this out....

but realize you play a major role in how you handle and accept his truths...if you demand the truth and then attack him for his honesty...
he or no one else will be honest with you....

ARK

I read the link to RB and will try it. My WS is so messed up....

Ark
You are correct - I do use the truth against him. It has become a cruel and viscious cycle. He won't come clean because he says I get angry and can't handle the truth. But the longer he avoids telling me the truth, the angrier I get. He claims that I am the one hindering the reconciliation process. Yet, it is extremely difficult to get different answers to the same question over a period of 7 months. For example, how they met. I finally figured it out myself after a long process of elimination regarding his initial responses. It hurts over and over again to find out the real truth in this way. I just don't think he has left her emotionally, but he won't admit it because he says there has been no "contact."

what are his day to day actions towards you...

is he loving
is he kind

what are his behaviors....
why do you believe he is still emotionallh connected...
and
what
ACTIONS is this based on

ark

Pmama,

It sounds like you H is somewhat religious, seems it anyways in the fact that he is praying. I agree with Ark that it's probably not wise to know or ask what you H is praying for. That is between you H and God. Trust in the fact that God and God alone can judge our actions and we will have to stand before him someday.

Do you see your H praying about OW? Or does he tell you? Let him know that you are also praying for Him!

Trust in the Lord that he has a plan for you and your family. If you H is in that plan, that's great, I really hope that is the case. However we all have freewill and we can choose to take a different path then what God has for us. As long as you stay in touch with God he will not forsake you.

I'll say a prayer for you, Native

Pretty..
The real question is why aren't you praying for her as well! I prayed for xow. I prayed that she find God and never do this to another family. I also asked God to protect us and keep her away. Don't you think this would be exactly what Jesus would do? It's easy to love those who are lovable but we're called to love those who are not lovable as well. Maybe your husband is right, your anger is impeding your recovery. If she has truly found God, why are you not thrilled for her? Who wouldn't want the other woman to find God when the affair ended!?! I would be very thankful.

Prayer is not intimacy with another person, prayer is intimacy with God!

Maybe God is trying to teach you about forgiveness and caring for others. We're not to ask "Why?" but "What?" What is God teaching you.

She is giving public testimony about her faith and you're admonishing your husband for doing what a person of faith should do. Think about it Prettymama...

Prettymama,

I agree that praying is something between your H and God. As Ark said, God is sole in the position in deciding what prayers have value. On the other hand, if he's praying that they be re-united, that would be a bad sign. Not the prayer itself (God can handle that) but the fact that he's thinking that... What kinds of prayers are we talking about here? (unless I missed something)

I myself still pray for the OP that played a part in ruining my marriage. I exposed OP to the boss because he was unwittingly using OP to get messages to me. Afterwards, I sent him an email specifically requesting that he, as a christian, not sit in judgement, but instead show love, compassion, caring and especially guidance.

Recently I got news that OP was let go. I suspect that the affair (I left the company when W and I separated) and chaos visited upon his business by all this played a part in it.

Geez, talk about hijacking a thread. Sorry 'bout that.

Anyway, what kinds of prayers is your H saying?

dewt

Everyone is right that his prayers are not your business...and yet...and yet...Clearly, religion is so intertwined with the A that this is a special case. While we have no reason to doubt the sincerity of their religious feelings -- the fact that those feelings became mixed up with sex makes this a tricky business. Both of them need to disentangle their religious emotions from the way those emotions were abused. Otherwise, you are in the strange position of competing with ... God.

You've admitted to punishing him for the truth; he's admitted lying. How about a little MC, maybe with the Harleys?

You both need to focus on your own marital baggage -- and then his prayers will become the side-issue they should be for you.

Prettymama...emotions are not something that one can just turn on an off. You claim that your husband has not left the OW emotonally. You are probably right. However the fact is that he is with YOu and not her. That means he has made a decision to do the right thing. Emotionally separating from her will take some time. My husband established NC with his OP some 6 months ago and it is only now that he is beginning to feel less towards him. If he has prayed for him in the meantime, well..so what? The fact is that he has established NC and that he is with me. Over time you husbands feelings towards the OW will lessen. If praying for her in the meantime helps him to deal with teh pain that he feels then all well and good. Recovery is not something that happens overnight. He has chosen the right in making the decision to be with you and not her. Give him credit where credit is due and let him deal with his emotional loss in his own way.

A note for you though. Jesus taught us to pray for our enemies. Maybe this is something that you could work on. Maybe you could even pray for her together when you pray as a couple. That might really open doors for both of you.