SS,

I had posted my update a while back, but wanted you to see it, since you ask after me from time to time.

Yes I am still addiction free <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Went to my younger sisters bar on Thursday and wasn't even tempted to smoke, even though it seemed like the whole place was chain smoking and blowing it right in my face all night.

My ex fiancee and I have decided to call it quits completely. I am selling out to him on the island property at his request. He has no money right now so it is going to be in the form of a legal doc saying that when he gets the money to buy me out, I will sell to him and relinquish all claims to it.

I am very happy these last few weeks, (mostly). A strange peace has invaded my soul and it feels really, really good.

Of course how could things not be good, with someone like you praying for me SS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

note: my previous update follows.

To all of you who have supported, challenged and been with me these past months, and to those who welcomed me to this board even though I did not come here as a BS or WS, but a former OW, I wanted to let you know in what ways you have shown me things about myself which had led to the decisions I had made in my life which probably caused me to be an OW (unwittingly, but an OW all the same).

First of all for an update, he called last night to say no he was not ready for marriage. Had made to many mistakes in his past marriages to do it again right now.

He did say he would bid on a job here which would keep him here for a year and would rent his own place. He would like to start over in his life and possibly date me. He then read off a list of things he would need from me, if we were to have another chance [Eek!] He is going to go to IC with a really good pastor in my town, but feels I need to go as well. He also said he isn't interested in dating me if I continue to drink wine every night. And he feels that 4 years is long enough to keep bringing up the fact that he lied to me about being married when I met him.

Well I already did quite drinking wine (since last Tuesday like Miss M [Smile] ) nor have I had a cigerette, so I'm good there.

But the really amazing thing that happened was I have been thinking so much about what everyone has been posting on my threads, and others lately. Ark about having faith and trusting in others. WAT about letting the property go. Noodle and Pep about taking responsiblity for the quality of your own life. Orchid about boundaries and well Orchid just always hits it right on, no matter what it seems. And MGM on this thread about tearing down the foundation of my house and rebuilding. Octobergil for caring about me. StillSeeking for praying for me. 2long and Gray for being my buddies. And all of Idiotville. Dipty for her beauty. Kiwi for her faith. And Kloe& Spidey because they feel like friends to me. FH and all the other soldiers of the Lord who help keen me believing. And too many more to name. Every single person on this board has given me so much, even if not talking to me. It has really had a lot to do in shaping the "new and improved" me.

Soooo getting to the point, a funny thing happened as we were talking about this ASTRONOMICAL tax bill we just got sent on the island property. I said to him, you know I know how much that property means to you and I don't need it. I don't even want it if we are not together anymore, so you can buy me out for exactly what I put into (the downpayment) and I will take my name off the title. I told him that I would always care about him and that I wanted the best for him as well as for me, regardless of whether or not we ever end up together. AND I really meant it.

And then I felt a certain kind of peace, that both of us would be OKAY.

I have been through times of dispair and agonizing grief, and times of amblivious not caring one way or the other, and times of total unabashed hatred through these last 4 years since I met him. But now I just feel a certain calm, happiness. This feeling is wierd for me. No games, no plotting, no planning... just a kind of acceptance that all is right in my world.

Thank you to everyone on this board who has helped me through this and shown me what I came here looking for, which was how to be a better, happier, quality person! [Smile]

Now, hopefully I can offer the same to others.

Weaver, I'm happy for you. Sad for you but happy for you.

You've sounded terribly, terribly down over the last couple of weeks and now you've made your decision I think you'll keep getting better and better and stronger and stronger.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> My MB smoking buddy isn't a smoking buddy any more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Jen

{{{{WEAVER}}}}

I adore you, and I'm very happy for you in your new strides towards a better life.


Oh, and very proud of this </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> nor have I had a cigerette, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you know how happy that makes me.

Idiotville licks to you my friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Love Jelly

Jen,

I know, I was so down and ANGRY. But it was like the darkest before the dawn I think!

And heh, I will still have a smoke with you girl, anytime, anywhere! (Just not the tobacco kind ! J/K, so don't no one be contacting the feds or anything)

KY!!!!

What are you doing here? Thought you gave this place up. Your back?????? You know I boycotted Iville on the day you left, haven't been back since. Now I guess I can go back, heh?

Jelly - can you say addicted??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ December 11, 2004, 08:04 PM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

No, I'm not back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Just visiting. Just when I left, I needed somebody to talk to, just haven't opened up yet though. I'm not back though, although Robby is trying to declare it so. Guess me posting gives him a right.

I love you Weaver, I hope good things come your way.

Well as Ellen would say "right back at ya" KY!!!

I just LOVE her show on WB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

weaver...I'm happy for you and thank you for all the advice you have given me over the last few months. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ok Weaver,
Heres the thing that got me.

I would read your posts from time to time (a few months ago) and the picture I had of you was someone really centered. A person that was about where she wanted to be. I didn't see the unfinished business in your head. When you started having troubles again, it scared me, and I wondered what was going on.

Now, to be fair, I hadn't followed your story, and didn't know how deep the troubled waters were running. Still kind of shook me up for a little while.

It is really good to see you where you are now. I know more troubles will come from time to time. Such is life -

I think you will do well, and I besides praying for you to heal, I pray for your happiness, for the best possible outcome in your life.

Also, that you can be successful in kicking the habbit. I have a good friend that says it's quite easy to quit, says he did it more than 200 times.

Now he has been smoke free for over 15 years though, so I think this one is the last.

About the property -
What changed your mind? You seem really calm about it now, but only a few days ago, you were going round and round about it. What you been thinkin?

Thanks again, I did want to know. Missed the other post you did, I am in retail, and this month it's hard to read and post except when I eat lunch - which doesn't last as long as it's supposed to either.

SS
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ December 11, 2004, 09:28 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

About the property -

SS - That property was such a dream for us, atleast to me. And just the thought of him over there with all his kids/grandkids having a good time without me and my DD (and with another woman) would just about break my heart.

Not letting go of it was a way of punishing him for hurting me, and a way of keeping us tangled up together I suppose.

I don't know, I think I just realized that I want to let go and that I want to let go with love. To do anything else is so against my nature, and I think that is part of the reason I was having such a hard time lately.

AND I can't forget about the tax bill. First one we've got since we bought the property and it is right out of this world. I could never afford the property anyway. He has no house, bills (or credit) and is a guy who will use it all the time and probably live there (old camper on it). He travels for a living (railroad) and mostly lives in motels.

And the last few times I went over there and stayed with DD, she was bored to tears. She is getting to an age where she doesn't like not having any other kids around. So it doesn't bother me letting it go as far as she is concerned.

I bet this time of year is fun for you in retail. Probably more exciting than not. In my business Christmas is exactly the same as all the other days. Kind of boring really.