You may or may not have read my thread the other day about Christmas. It is here if you need to refresh or would like to read... initial christmas post

Well the whole thing started bothering me even more than I thought it would. So I ended up writing my husband a reallllllllllllllllly reallllllllllllly long email about it. I was very calm throughout the whole thing and not too emotional, but not cold either. I explained how hurt and disappointed I was that we were not spending the holiday together as I had wanted. I also explained that the reason I was writing the email was because I was already starting to be *****y on the phone and I felt it was better to just get it all out and deal with it. One of the HUGE problems in our marriage for both of us was conflict avoidance and I can sometimes be passive-aggressive so the email was to try and avoid all that. Towards the end of the email I said that despite what I had said throughout the email to please not try and make it happen that we WOULD spend Christmas together. That at this point, i would not feel comfortable going to his mom's and I would feel as if I had pushed him into it. That my purpose for the email was just to let him know how I felt, not to wheedle and invitation to spend the holiday together.

So he didn't respond to the email except to IM me and say, "I know this isn't the response you were expecting but check out this link" and he sends me a link to the Disney store (I'm an EEyore FREAK). The email was sent on Friday and that's when he sent that IM. On Saturday he IM'd me again and we chatted a little bit and I was rather reserved. I had expected SOME kind of response to the email, even if it was just for him to say, "I regret feeling that way, but that's the way I feel". I didn't expect it to be acknowledged, but not ignored either. Before he left he asked if it was okay if he called me tomorrow (Sunday, and it was weird that he asked if he could call) and I responded yes. He asked me if I was pissed. I replied that "pissed" was not a good word. Immediately he went into why he didn't respond to the email..blah blah blah..maybe valid reasons, maybe not. He said he would send me a response before he called.

So he actually called this morning before his email response. He immediately went into, "I know you said not to do this, but you ARE invited to my mom's for the whole time I'm there if you would like to come."

So now I'm at a total loss on what to do. I had really wanted to spend Christmas with him and was bitterly disappointed that it wasn't going to happen, though I had neither assumed we would nor expected it. But I meant what I said and I will feel uncomfortable at this point, especially after he said,

"Well, my mom called after I talked to her last and apologized for some things and said they would really like to have you and Josh there."

He claimed that this is what he WANTED, not something I pushed him into.

My dilemma:

-What the hell did his mom say (he wouldn't say. would only say that his family DOES like me)? That statement makes me even MORE uncomfortable than I was before. I didn't know that the lack of invitation for Christmas had anything to do with her at all. So on top of wondering if my husband REALLY wantd me there, i'm left wondering if his mom really wants me there.
-I still feel like I pushed him into it (he swears it's not so) and I'm not sure if it's OKAY if I pushed him into it or not.
-I will feel uncomfortable going, but now I will almost feel like I'm trying to be a martyr if I don't go...like I'm trying to act like an injured party and that is just not the case.

Gawd, why did he put me into this uncomfortable position now? This is exactly why I said at the end of the email to please not try and make it happen.

all I wanted was to spend Christmas with him and now that I've been invited I just feel horrible about it!!

please give me your thoughts..I told him I'd let him know as soon as possible and I'm so completely torn in half. I'm afraid of being too prideful, yet afraid of feeling like a martyr, afraid of going where I MIGHT not be welcomed, etc....help help help!

maddyk,

You conflict avoider you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Suck it up and call your MIL, find out if you are really invited for Christmas and decide what to do.

Courage maddy, courage. You know you are WORTHY. The worst thing that will happen is the truth. This is what you need. I believe this will help you decide what you want to do.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

well i'm torn in what to tell you.........

on one hand i would say not go because of just what you have related about feeling so uncomfortable, especially how he only came back and said what he did after your email and then throw in the whole thing about his mom (what was that all about?) and i wouldn't go if it were me.

on the other hand, a lot of what we (BS) do is falling on ourselves and doing things we wouldn't normally do in case it might be one thing that would lead to a reconciliation (generally speaking) or maybe another way to look at it is doing or not doing things so that one day we would be able to look back and not have regret. so maybe that might be a way to look at it or something to ask yourself is if you think you would look back on the situation and regret going or not going. any time you spend with your h could be a time to make deposits and reinforce the changes you've made.

i would still think about it more and even pray about it and maybe more people will respond and give their input. there's also consideration about your son, would he be going with you to AR? how does he feel about it?

keep us posted, don't make any decision hastily, and still consider the logistics of the whole trip, God Bless, RR

Miss M, I am not sure that I could call his mom. Calling her now to ask her about all this is almost more uncomfortable than just going there. I know I've been invited by her at this point, what I don't know is how welcomed I really am, and call it ego, conflict avoidance or whatever, but I simply can't call and ask that. I'm very comfortable with his dad and step-mom and probably *would* call them if this was going on at their house. But his mom I'm not as comfortable with. I've only met her on three occassions (my wedding, my husband's graduation from flight school and we spent one christmas there before). I'm not a phone-talker and we really would only say hello..and she never responsed to a very nice letter I sent to her after I left Puerto Rico. I was never UNcomfortable around her before or when talking to her but after all this, that is changing.

rr, my knee-jerk reaction is to not go, and that's why I'm questioning it so much. lol..I used to think I had such GREAT intuition, but his affair and subsequent disintegration of our marriage has totally shattered that illusion. Yes, my son would go and would enjoy it.

I still have the same problems with going...the more I think about it, the MORE uncomfortable I become because when he did finally respond to my email he said something to the effect that if we worked things out that there was going to be a very awkward situation. Something is going on with all of this that he's just not telling me. I don't know if he has lied to them about everything that has happened (I don't mean omitting the affair..i mean flat-out lying), if he had originally invited someone up there with him before I got upset, if his mom was fixing him up with someone or what. It could be any of those things or something else or it could be miswording. I asked him to clarify what he meant by that statement but I haven't heard back yet.

I guess my problem here is more that if I don't go, I'll feel bad about that too. Nothing here at this point is going to make me happy and I feel just terrible about that.

1) If I don't go, am I being unreasonable? And is it unreasonable to not accept the invitation, but then still be upset about the whole situation? Obviously I need to let it go at some point, but I also need him to know that this was not okay. If I don't go, am I giving up that "right"?

2) If I don't go I'll be spending it with my Aunt and son and that's it. No other close family or friends. I love my Aunt, but this is not exactly how I envisioned my Christmas. I envisioned it either with my parents, sister and her kids (they didn't offer to fly me up and I couldn't afford it) or with my husband. Now I have that chance to spend it with my husband, but it's only come about because...well, I don't know why, really...

3) If I don't go..and this kind of goes back to #1, I need to make SURE that I can figure out a way to not be a martyr, but also can't hide my feelings about it either.

4) If I don't go, it will be quite awhile until we see each other again..probably not until February...we last saw each other at the end of October...

Any one else have thoughts along with rr and Miss M? I could really use the input.

how long is he gong to be there....

why couldn't you drive eight hours
he drive eight hours...and you two meet somewhere in the middle for a day/night.....

what about that.....

ark

ark, well, he won't have a car. He has to fly to arkansas from puerto rico. And 8 hours for one day isn't ideal either. I believe he's flying in on the 23rd and leaving the 29th.

borrow
rent
train

also why is it good for you to drive 16 hours then....

none of this ideal...
so do it longer for one day...
2 days
3 days

ark

ark, i actually wouldn't mind the drive (i love driving) if I were staying through Christmas, which I have now been offered.

As far as he is concerned, he is not sure if he wants me as his wife and so I feel that asking him to leave his family that he hasn't seen in two years for three or four days will not be something he is amenable to, though admittedly I have not asked. And if he were amenable, I know it will cause problems (with his family). Do I care? Part of me does, part of me doesn't.

I don't know if I'm failing to embrace other solutions because of sour grapes. I don't feel like I've been offered crumbs to scavenge from...I feel like I've been given a cake that someone added salt to instead of sugar. I feel like I either have to eat it and just smile like nothing is wrong or leave it and made to feel like nothing ever makes me happy.

Maddy, FWIW, I agree with Miss M. Courage! Do not let fear influence your decisions, dear.

FDR was right.

GC

well thinking about your relationship w/some of your inlaws could be a consideration. i know in times when i talked w/SH that was something that guided my actions or at least make me think about things more, although granted they pretty much made their opinions known by not ever contacting me through all this. hindsight, i'm glad they didn't because it made my decision to proceed with everything that much easier and solidified what kind of people they are and that i didn't really want to be a part of that family any longer (i was never fully accepted in the first place).

okay that was a major run-on sentence and all about me! but i think you get my drift. you probably still don't have to make a decision right away so just take as much time as you can to weigh all the options. however, it does seem like you have made your decision but are concerned of the way you might feel once Christmas has come and gone. similar to what GC said, sometimes nothing ventured is nothing gained.

^^bumping for feedback as I need to make a decision.

I'm leaning towards not going, but would like to think of as many angles as possible.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

For the record, I called him today and told him I wasn't going. That was very difficult.

The thing his mom had to "apologize" for was that she had gone on about the house being full. He said, "I told you that."

I said, "Um....nooooooooo, you didn't. So I assumed she had something negative about me or our marriage."

At any rate, it was too late at that point and my overwhelming feeling about the whole thing was just one of discomfort.

i will be sorry not to be with him and it will be sad to celebrate the day without him there, but I didn't want to be in a place for Christmas where I did not feel welcomed.