I have been reading "Torn Asunder".

I see myself and our M in the conflict avoider section.

I have always been easy going, and passive. I like things to go smoothly, and try to "fix" everything. Truly a Libra.....I want things to be fair, just for everyone, and smooth.

I look thru the years of our M, and I see our situation snowball. WH has a temper, when he aims it toward me, I clam up, or try to "fix" it. Even if he is angry with someone else. Instead of just listening and not taking things personally.

Then, I began to resent it. He complained about this or that...I was sarcastic. He was not even complaining about me.....just whatever.

Soon, his complaining seemed continuous. I was sarcastic. Or tried to agree. Or took it personally. Or said nothing. I tried to get him to stop complaining. He would say "If I can't be my self at home, then what?"

So, I continued to "put up with" his complaining. Assuming I was trying to let him be "himself" at home. Resenting the "complaining" person that seemed to be his personality.

His angry outbursts, my sarcasm, his complaining, my hurt. The snowball is huge.

Now his A. He says he found a different side to himself with OW. A kinder, gentler side. He learned how to be that kind of husband with OW. He can't be that with me.....

My resentment grows. I see my faults clearly laid out before me, yet I do not know which way to turn. I resent myself, my personality. I do not see how our M can be reconciled unless I can figure myself out.

I know WH is in withdrawl. My patience is thin tonight. I feel very alone. Do all conflict avoiders end up alone, and lonely?

I guess I'm feeling pretty low tonight. I know I will have emotional ups and downs.

But tonight, can anyone help me with helping myself?

K

Really......I'm not whining! I want someone to point me to something (a book, some advice, some of your own experiences) to help me turn myself around.

My mind feels like cotton. I feel like I'm living in a hell of my own making.

K

It sounds like you have taken on responsibility for 100% of yours and your WH's communication problems. I know you can only control you, and change you, BUT . . . you are only 1/2 of a dysfunctional system.

Someone told me recently that the way she "shows" her H that there is a better way to communicate is leading by example. I think that should be your goal, your hope. I think you are on the right track to wanting to figure out how you tick, and learn how to communicate more effectively. I guess I just read that you were taking on 100% responsibility for the past.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He says he found a different side to himself with OW. A kinder, gentler side. He learned how to be that kind of husband with OW. He can't be that with me..... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The first thing I thought when I read this part of your post is, perhaps he doesn't "complain" to the OW, because as you know, they don't share real-world issues with each other. So, instead of complaining to her, perhaps he actually does some work and solves his own problems when he's around her. OR, perhaps he just stuffs his complaints down.

I truly don't think it is that he has learned a better way to communicate. He just doesn't have a well-established "dance" with OW yet. I say "dance," because my H and I had that. 8 months of MC and lots of MB later, we have found much better ways of communicating. BUT, we still can find ourselves in the "dance" that was our communication pattern for 15 years. And it involves a lot of what you describe.

One of the first things I learned was ~ phrasing my statements in "I" statements. Rather than "You work too much, you are never home," I say, "I feel lonely lately. I miss you." I get a totally different response from H with the latter. And what goes along with changing your phrasing of words, is being able to identify WHAT you are trying to SAY. For instance, am I really wanting to criticize my H for going to work and supporting his family to the best of his ability, which is a very important role in his life? Heck no! I was upset because I was lonely and missed him and wanted to spend more time with him. Because I love his company, and talking to him.

Just little changes can make the biggest differences! I also know that making changes in these patterns is very difficult with BOTH partners interested in improving and changing. Hopefully, your H will get on board with you some day soon. Does withdrawal mean the A is dying its death? Sorry, I haven't kept up on your story.

But I wanted to share my journey of communication with you. It is a 2-way street. Don't beat yourself up about the past. Just realize you have another wonderful learning opportunity in front of you, and you have identified it! Yay! That is a HUGE step, IMO.

Spidey

Thanks, Spidey.....

Yes, I guess I am taking 100% of the responsibility for this.

Your suggestions make sense. My sarcasm pops to the top quicker than anything else. I need to stop and think first before I speak.

Yes, I believe the A is dying. I do not believe WH has contacted the OW in a couple of weeks. As near as I can find out.

I just have a hard time dealing with feeling like I am not wanted. WH is very distant with me most of the time.

I know in my head that WH made a conscious decision to have an A. But in my heart, I feel he did this to "get away from" me. I feel like a horrid person.

We talked with SH on Tuesday morning.

SH gave WH the assignment of sitting me down and telling me "why" the A happened. He hasn't done that yet.

I think that WH is only doing this MC to humor me. I hope that somewhere along the line some of it will click in him.

He told me on the phone after talking to SH that he can see how what SH is telling him would work for someone who just "had a fling". He see his A as something so much "more".

I continue to read, and look for some answers. I guess this has opened a "hole" in myself that I did not know existed before.

And I feel lost as to how to "plug" the hole.

K

K, this is a hard time for you. Your WH is in withdrawal, still fogged out. I know he is still fogged out, because he still thinks his A is "unique and special." A's are frighteningly the same, very universal. If he continues NC he will emerge from the place he is at, and perhaps be able to comfort you a bit.

I think what you are feeling is "normal." I looked back on mine and H's M pre-A and cringed at some of the patterns we had. The patterns I had. And I was filled with lots of regret.

What I had to accept about myself is that I did the best I could at the time, with the information I had. I did my best. Now, that I know more and have different information, I do my best. Am I perfect? Heck no! I have quite the sarcastic tone myself, don't-ya-know! And often there is a very fine line as to what is funny as a joke, and what is a well-disguised BARB that I jab my H with.

Remember, a journey, not a destination. A marathon, not a sprint. Time will help sort a lot of this stuff out for you, and in the meantime, you can learn lots of great stuff about you and what you want your M to be.

Hang in there, K. Get some rest. You are doing your very best.

Spidey

Long journey, But the destination is WONDERFUL.

You cant take 100% of the blame for where you marrige ended up. It takes two. Looking back I can see clearly how CA got us in big trouble.

I really dont know if avoider is the right word, because at some point you are going to get into the conflict. Something will set it off and everything that has been avoided over weeks, monts, YEARS will all come out at once.

Or as you said with you, it comes out in sarcasim.

My wife was alot like you from the sounds of it. Sarcasim was her way of dealing. Her sarcasimm made me upset, with brought out more sarcasim from BOTH of us, which made me leave the room.

Gee issue never got addressed.

Hate those snowballs.

Good morning k <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

K,

Why did you avoid conflict with H? was it just with H or in other aspects of your life as well?

[B]Do all conflict avoiders end up alone, and lonely?[/B

Alone does not equal lonely.

I am very rarely lonely when I am alone, with no relationship.

I have felt VERY lonely when I have been in a bad relationship.

When you (and others on this board) realize that you can live and thrive on your own, your marriages will become one of joy instead of the prisons which keep you lonely but not alone.

Make sense K?

I know I am not addressing your question but I see fear, which might be keeping you from becoming the kind of person you want to become, and having the kind of marriage you want to have. Although you are limited in this to a point by your WH's own problems.