H and I have been seperated since 08/04, mostly because of H's guilt and shame over A. He has not been able to forgive himself. Finally, last night I said told him that everyday for the last 4 months he's made a decision to not be with his family and let guilt become the driving force of his life. He is teaching our daughters to live in guilt, not hope.

I told him that I need to have a plan for our weekly activities and his homecoming. Because when we make progress at Retrouvaille and he doesn't come home I get my hopes up. With no plan I am lost and have a hard time tracking progress.

I go to work and he left me a message: I wanted to say thank you for this morning. I know that you are very upset and angry and I'm very impressed and grateful at how you behave. You're able to say what you need without - well it's just really amazing. Anyway, I hope you have a good morning."

I didn't call him back.

He's just called me twice. Once to let me know that he's been looking over our Retro homework, he made two copies of keys for our newish car, he bought caulk and fixed a bad draft in our daughters room (something I had mentioned to him), and he asked for our counselors phone number so he could make an appointment with her. Also, he said asked what I wanted for dinner and talked about going over our plans for the week.

I thanked him and tried to affirm him as best I could.

H called a second time and said that in reviewing again our Retro stuff perhaps we could two dialogues, one personal and one religious, and then tackle a personal plan of action, and then completing the marriage plan of action on another day coming up soon.

I told him how much it meant to me that he took the time to review the homework and call me and suggest how much work we should tackle in a night. That it made me feel safe and cared for because I knew what to expect and what to look forward to this evening.

This is all positive, but I don't know how to respond. He clearly is responding to me, but I'm confused at how to be firm and supportive at the same time.

Suggestions?

Hi Loy,

Early recovery is an uncertain and painful time....and it IS hard to find the right balance...but you are doing well. I'm not suggesting anything....but need to ask if you're certain he ended all contact? Thank him for the effort he put into addressing your concerns, and let him know how important it is for you to see CONSISTENCY OVER TIME. Trust is a paycheck....not the lottery (as my friend Takola says)....it requires consistent actions over time for safety and trust to take hold. And finally, if you find that he cannot be consistent and he remains wishy washy....you may have to defend your own boundaries and go to Plan B if necessary so that his waffling doesn't control your life.

Good Luck Loy....you are a special lady.

Thank you for recommending that I let H know how important it is for me to see these changes over time. That is something that I would've assumed H knew and would not said anything.

The A ended Easter weekend this year. H has taken lots of precautions to avoid OW. She tried to throw herself into our life in June & July and H was able to jump over a lot of hurdles to avoid her. He has seen her a few times, but always told me about it right away and it was in a big group and no personal interactions. The last time it happened he mentioned it in the course of how aweful his night was - that even OW was there too.

I've seen OW once in September and she came up to me and apologized. I was polite and it was pretty lame.

So, sure, sometimes I get paranoid that the A might still be going on and fantasize all sorts of aweful things. But then I compare his actions then and his actions now. Although we're not in the thrall of a romance, tender and mature things are happening. It's just slow. Our biggest barrier is his guilt right now.

I think he has not seen his actions since he left in August as wishy washy, he saw the situation as that he was unable to put 100% into our marriage because of his depression/ guilt/ desire to punish himself, so he saved me and our kids from that by removing himself from the situation.

I don't agree with his decision, but I understand that he felt useless and wasn't capable of seeing past his shame. Probably doesn't help that he saw his mom suffer through his dad's A and then their divorce when he was 10. He never thought he would do that to anyone.

Here I am, explaining way to much. You could probably sum it up by saying, yes my H and I are committed to our marriage but it's hard to come together again because we are different people.

Isn't it amazing that there are things we know as truth, but it takes us 30 years (or so) to put the truth into practice.

<small>[ December 21, 2004, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: Loy ]</small>