Note: I'm a "former" BS because I'm no longer a spouse.

Yep, I contributed a lot to the poor state of my marriage before my wife's non-affair. ("Non" affair because it wasn't an affair, you understand. She married the guy she wasn't having an affair with 5 months after our divorce.)

My "stench" was my tolerance of our unhappy marriage. I didn't take action to bring to the surface and resolve all the things that were broken. Instead, my stench became angry outbursts as vents for my frustrations with our marriage. My stench included a naive assumption that our focus on our sick son was a reasonable distraction for not tending to the needs of the marriage - not recognizing that by tending to the needs of the marriage we would also be tending to the health of both of our sons.

I "lied" to the extent that I pretended that things would get better all by themselves. I "lied" by omission by not expressing to my wife my unhappiness with the way she was treating me. Rather, I chose to focus on my son's care instead of trying to solve two very significant and challenging problems simultaneously. My stench included my assumption that she was also focused on our son and couldn't focus on us as well.

My stench DID NOT include lies to others about my wife, lies to my sons about anything, nor seeking satisfaction of my emotional needs elsewhere.

There.

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

YOU NO LONGER HAVE A STENCH!!!!

YOU SMELL WONDERFUL!!!

My stench as a BS, in large part, is due 2 the garlic/onion/limberger cheese sandwich I had for lunch.

Seriously, my stench is rooted in conflict avoidance. Even now, I rather be nice than engage in conflict. I tell myself that I'm being compassionate, and I am, better than before, but there's that underlying conflict avoidance that I need 2 address. Take conflict by the horns and engage in a healthy, honest fashion.

I had no idea how bad that stank and for how many years it did before D-day, before the A, even. I've got a clue now.

I believe that my FWS' behavior stank, still does in many ways. I don't think she does, though.

-ol' 2long

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 12:39 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

My stenchiest stinkiest post D-day moment (which I very much REGRET)

I said to my WH as he stood naked looking in a mirror "Take a good look at yourself. What do you see that I should want after you cheated on me?"

Very nasty, reptilian hurtful ugly remark/behavior.

Never again....

Pep

.... ok but you have cleaned up your life, eh WAT? Planned as best you could. Made changes as best you can.... patiently waited for the WS to morph back to the spouse you loved and when you could not longer wait....then you moved forward. Right?

That's what I did. I had to. I did not want to be known as Mrs. Stinky. So Mr. Stinky had to clean up his act with his true identity in tact and then we c/b known as Mr/Mrs. Better Spouse/Parent(s). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good thread WAT.... but then again, you usually do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 12:48 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

My stinkiest moment had to be this weekend when I sent the email to five of my husbands coworkers exposing the affair. I only sent a one sentence email stating there was an affair between their two co-workers.

WS asked why I didn't just spray paint "Whore" on her car? or other white trash ways to humiliate them.

I looked at it as exposure, but I am not so sure that it wasn't a vindictive way to humiliate him. I didn't see it like that at the time, but it is possible.

Don't confuse BS stink with WS fog...what's to be humiliated about? This is a beautiful love story..right? Tell the world <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


Noodle

I am always the first to find fault in myself. I do a very good job of it and have been told many times to stop degrading myself. But, I don't know how I might have contributed to my husband's adultery. He was a sex addict, addicted to porn and the use of prostitutes. He says it had nothing to do with me; it started before marriage and was a well-hidden secret with him. He loved it and hated it all at once. He gave it up 14 years ago and just confessed it 4 months ago.

But, surely I've done some stinky things. Let me think. Are pity parties stinky? If so, color me stinky.
PM

My stench is my conflict avoidance.

Everytime I tried to pull myself out of the bucket of $hit I was drowning in (due to my own conflict avoiding patterns - life long, no doubt), I would give in, and let myself be pushed back into the stink.

I see all of my wrongs.....this being the biggest. I found out you cannot go thru life being a doormat for anyone, and then go and feel like your life is rosy! People WILL scrape the crap off their shoes onto you.

I have stepped out of the bucket, have taken a shower, and am beginning to smell pretty sweet!

"If you are going to act like a turd, go lay out in the yard!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 1confusedBS:
<strong>...WS asked why I didn't just spray paint "Whore" on her car? or other white trash ways to humiliate them.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Fog babble.....

BS reverse babble response: Oh what a suggestion. Is that what you call her now? Never thought of that one. Want me to put your signature on it also?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

As the betrayee, I felt very justified in saying the most hurtful, cruel things. Even when he was no longer playing the part, I lorded the fact that he was a liar and cheat, and I was not over his head - for three years <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> never for a moment letting him forget it.

I am extremely ashamed of the things I said and the way I used his betrayal for an excuse to continually hurt him.

My behavior was no better than his as far as unkindness goes, and very likely just as hurtful. Words hurt! I know that now.

It is easy to play the wounded, most riteous one -I hate that I became the person I did.

But now that I know better I will do better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

I believe I did not do the best plan A that I could. I just was not able to calm down,and became very sarcastic and angry with WH. I was really not able to do a plan B either very well, as I kept wanting to call him and really thought I could convince him to come home, but ended up taunting him instead. Probably nothing would have changed the outcome, but I do wish I could have been nicer about it all.
KK

My BS stench outstinks any other BS example on this thread so far (I always was the overachiever!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

I was cruel, hurtful, and my words were sharper than a two edged sword. I could cut xWH to the quick, and have watched him defeated to tears more times than I can count. I literally have the mental picture of him on our ottoman, crumpled into a ball, sobbing aloud with tears streaming down his face, after one of my especially mean "reamings."

In my hurt, in my unmet needs, I got mad. In my desperate attempt to be "strong," not to be seen in any kind of weakness, I would hide and stuff down my intense, mind numbing, gut busting hurt, and instead, would BOIL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I would get SOOO MAD I was convinced that heads were gonna roll. PEOPLE WERE GONNA HURT LIKE I WAS. And, poor xWH, he was the one usually doling out the hurt (unwittingly, of course, because I never just sat down and told him he was hurting me or not meeting a need, etc), so he was usually the one that was GONNA PAY.

I had a stench, a stink, a foul ordor wafting off of me...there were flies circuling, people around us were usually seen holding their noses, and it was an all around UGLY site. Funny thing was, I could not smell it. I was walking around holding my breath, plugging my nose, and barely able to grow and thrive the air was so thick, but it came on slowly, so we got used to it. It was a permanent stink in the air.

So smellerific, that, in fact, the A posed a very much needed opportunity for xWH to smell something else for a change. And even though it still stank, in comparison, it still smelled better than what was coming off of me.

It is hard to accept, really.

It was easier, more appealing, less STINKY for him to compromise his integrity, hurt his family, and lose who he is than spend one more day in the STENCH with me.

In retrospect, my tears, my earnest, calm, mature attempts to convey my hurts, and my trust that he loved and wanted to protect me, my giving xWH the opportunity to prove this love and protection to me, right the wrongs, my allowing him to be the prince in shining armour I was so desperately and secretly seeking, letting out my "weakness," ....ahhh this would have smelled sooooooo sweet to him.

It will take some airing out. What xWH did not realize is, by finding a less stinky alternative on face value did not help him...it just piled onto the stank that was already there. And now, his life, his hurting children, his broken A relationship, his new girlfriend (who he cheated on OW with), his destroyed financial situation, all of it stinks worse than ever.

I am busy purifying myself. Letting God "air me out." I had some serious repentence to do. I got on my knees and just cried one night. I admitted to God all my cruelty, I vented all my rage, and I exposed all my hurts and fears. I cried, I shook my fists, I pleaded.

And in the end, I felt a flood of peace over me.

And I smelled the forgotten smell of love, protection, security, and permanence in the air. And oddly enough, it was not coming from xWH. It was coming from God.

My stink still rears it's ugly head occasionally. But the funny thing is, I do not go there, because I start to smell it. I smell it instantly, and I get REALLY serious about getting rid of it.

From garbage heap to rose garden.

That is what this A did for me, even though mine is not a MB success story.

SNNNNNNNFFFFFFF: Ahhhh the smell of success!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: SerendipiT ]</small>

Pep:

"I said to my WH as he stood naked looking in a mirror "Take a good look at yourself. What do you see that I should want after you cheated on me?""

Boy, I'll bet that put a coating of frost on his tes.... ...never mind!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I've almost said hurtful things like that, but refrained. Or so I think. My W would probably have answered differently.

-ol' 2long

Talking stench....

Mine is long, started 5 years ago and still carries on to this day.

I have said and done things that have hurt my WS beyond anything she has done!

We seem to be heading for the big "D" and along with her A my stench helped along the way.

My plan A was good for two weeks in the last eight months, thats about it. She can smell me a mile away

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As the betrayee, I felt very justified in saying the most hurtful, cruel things. Even when he was no longer playing the part, I lorded the fact that he was a liar and cheat, and I was not over his head - for three years never for a moment letting him forget it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">weaver, I am guilty of this offence as well. Even the time frame, 3 years (give or take a couple of months) is the same.

I punished WW with AO and DJ, threw it in her face, as well as many of her flaws. I became very self-righteous, and became a very dark person as a result. I hope I do better in the future, for the sake of my children, myself, and anyone I enter into a R with in the future.

Dimmu

Dimmu

Dimmu -

It hurts to realize what I have done and said. In fact it makes me sick. It's a process it is, learn, learn, learn and implement, implement, implement. You'll get there, as will I.

Merry Christmas Dimmu!

Hey WAT,

There's been something that's been bothering me and I want to get it off my chest so here goes -

Although sometimes my opinions may differ from yours (re: the thread the other day), it in no way diminishes the deep respect I have for you. Like someone else said to you - you and Melody are my MB heros in your steadfast beliefs about affairs and integrity, etc. I admire you both more than I can say, and if I were ever going to do something which was less than noble I know that you and Mel would be the two little guys in white sitting on my shoulder saying "well what's it going to be weav, pond scum or integrity?" and that alone would keep me on the straight and narrow.
And I thank you for that!

Have a very Merry Christmas with your son and SO! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And hey, where is Mel, anyway? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

ol' 2long

weaver-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It hurts to realize what I have done and said. In fact it makes me sick. It's a process it is, learn, learn, learn and implement, implement, implement. You'll get there, as will I.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I truly hope I can get there. This emotional rollercoaster has me regretting it some days, and justifying it on others, even though I know deep down it is wrong. I guess it is a response to the pain, when it gets bad. I think the human mind, well at least my mind anyway, will try to justify it, to counteract the pain and stress being experienced. I did notice that after the first A my WW had, as the pain slowly subsided, so did my AO and DJ, and other harsh things I said to WW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Merry Christmas Dimmu! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Merry Christmas to you as well! And happy holidays to everyone!

Dimmu

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 06:57 PM: Message edited by: Dimmu ]</small>