I still love my WxW and respect the role she has as our children’s mother so I wanted to give her a Christmas gift. After much reflection (and some debate here) I decided to go with my gut and give without expectation. Well, I settled on the Michael Jackson Boxed CD set and a pair of Elton John tickets.

She was ecstatic b/c those are her favorite artists. She jumped up and down, hugged me half to death and started singing "you just made my week". She then proceeded to invite me to the concert. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That was not the response I had expected, (she doesn't 'owe' me a 'date' but nonetheless I'm glad she received in the spirit that the gifts were given.

ThornedRose later wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So if she's inviting *you* to the concert with her--
things with the OM must not be as perfect as she tries to portray--
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But don't you all think she's just trying to eat cake? I don't want to be her buddy right now, and I can't be he boyfriend, lover or H. The concert is in March. I want to respond about the invite, but have no idea how. Every time I think I got this figured, the fog reminds me that I don't.

<small>[ December 28, 2004, 02:09 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

Hi dlc,

Well,you completely lost me on this one.Why would you give your xWW gifts like that? I know you said because she is the mother of your kids but..... she cheated on you dlc and then left you and you are divorced.Whether or not she is with the OM now is irrelevant.She throws away her marriage and family and then get's what I deem as a reward/perk from the man she hurt terribly.I would not have done what you did.I would think your ex would like nothing better than to have you on the sidelines now being the "friend" instead of the betrayed exH.More goodies for her.UGH.


O

O-girl:

I'm no trying to reward her for her behaviors, I'm trying to be my better self. This is someone who I've known since I was 12. Despite her behaviors, she has been a blessing in my life. My actions honor that reality.

I bought her family gifts as well, as I have done for 20 years. Love is a decision, but so are family and forgiveness. She has a looong way to go b4 she and I can be right with each other, but I can still project peace.

Jesus said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Bless those that curse you, pray for those that desptiefully use you" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is indeed harder than it looks.

bmp

dlc,
Totally hijacking here... I didn't know that Elton was performing anywhere (other than Vegas occasionally). I adore him and I've seen him in concert over 20 times.

It's a REALLY nice gift that you gave to your ex. Nice that she wanted you to go with her. I hope you're not getting your hopes up too high with that gesture though! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

CC

d:

I think the operative point here is that you gave the gifts without any expectations of anything in re2rn - just because that is who you are and what you wanted 2 do.

Now, ac2ally GOING 2 the concert with her would require you 2 be detached with her right there with you sharing a concert she loves with you... indeed harder 2 do.

But it's up 2 you. Maybe you can do that, again with no strings, maybe you can't. I don't think I could, but I wasn't in the same sitch you're in.

I know you'll make the right, caring decision (that protects YOU and your kids).

best,
-ol' 2long

I don't know if I can generate that much detachment so soon. I am open though, to moving beyond pain. Reading Dalton's Dad's thread today remind me of how much pain this A caused me. Still hurting, but better.

I want to create a space for me that I can live in. So I'll decide, in my own time, what will work.

Just J wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have to laugh. Dleightonc.... yes, please go to the concert with your WxW. Have you read Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders? If not, this may not make sense. But if you can treat it as LITERALLY a no-strings-attached Freeloaders good time, you'll be doing exactly what it ought to be. Yes, you want to have fun. Yes, you want her to have fun. But that's -it-. It's just fun.

The OM? At this point, basically he's a competing date. Do you care? Well, of course you care. There's a history there.

If you were starting out fresh and going on a date with a complete stranger, would you care? Not as much, I'm guessing. It's expected that single people who are "dating" will go on dates with more than one person. By its nature it's a time to be non-exclusive, to meet people, to find out what they're like and whether things are likely to work out between you or not.

So? Go on dates. Go on dates with your ex-wife, and go on dates with other people too. Try, as much as you can, to objectively figure out what the best match for you will be. Try, as much as you can, to just enjoy it! You deserve to enjoy yourself, after all.

You may want to think about your boundaries for dating overall -- how long after your divorce do you want to wait before you date anyone? How are you feeling about that whole sex thing? How long do you want to date someone before you sleep with them? Are you a marriage-before-sex kind of a person? What level of romantic contact is appropriate in a non-exclusive relationship? How long do you want to wait before your kids meet a new significant other? How are you going to balance your time so that your kids don't lose time with you? Etc. etc. etc.

Dating is complicated when you're old enough to think through the implications, when you've got a history, and when you've got more than just you to think about. I -think- it's worth it, but I'm sure not ready to jump into the even more complicated world of a serious relationship at this point. I don't know how people do it! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">