Hi. I have been lurking for a long time. I have not read about my problem and hoping for help or a connection.
My husband is a long haul driver. This makes me very nervous. He is pretty new to this and I also believe an affair was happening before he even got into this job.
He is gone almost all of the time. And does not seem that interested in coming home much.
He, is of course, denying anything has happened or is happening. But, there are alot of signs I am trying hard not to notice but they hit me in the face and I dwell on them. Not being able to see him much does not help at all.
I may have found Plan A too late but am trying real hard to follow it. Being as nice and understanding as possible. Probably a first for me. Better late than never. Hopefully.
I thought I would like him gone but I definetely do not. He says I have to trust him, but his actions and little hints or things I am picking up are driving me crazy. Help please.
Are there any others in my situation with spouse gone alot ? I am new to this and it does not seem to be working out at all - at least for me !!!

Much thanks and looking forward to replys.

I would like to add - In the whole picture this really doesn't matter much, but may describe me and my situation a little more clearer - My H is not a burly, over weight man, he is very attractive and knows it.
He sees alot of women at different places along the way, plus if he already had an affair going on here, he has plenty of time to at least talk with her on the phone. An EA is what worrys me the most. I could almost, well you know, overlook a PA affair without attachment. The time spent talking and involved with a possible OW is driving me crazy. (pun intended !!)
Please advise soon.

Ok I suppose if he does not want to come home much it not a good sign of a healthy marriage BUT what makes you think its an affair?

What are you seeing in his behaviour?
What has changed in his behaviour?

Do you have kids??

It is NOT to late to do a Plan A, even if hes not having an affair but you feel him 'drifting' plan A can of course help but some good solid communication between you is very important.

a Marriage counsellor or coach could be of great help in setting up a plan for you to work on to improve your M and affair proof it.

Have you read the info on this site yet?

Its a good place to start and consider what can be done....what about doing the emotional needs questionnaire with your H?

Carnation,

Welcome to marriage Builders!!!

What are the "signs" you see of your H's A? And how long has he been doing this job? What is the financial/emotional fall-out if he quits?

Just a little more infromation might help other MBers - help you

Keep posting

Brown

carnation,

Check this link 50 signs your spouse is having an affair

Now, plan A is to end A ... if you don't have prove of A, you can't plan A. Don't accusing him unless you have solid prove. I am not saying don't trust your guts ... 99% is correct but you can't LBed.

However you could try to restore intimacy back by meeting his ENs, avoiding LBs, spending time together and radical honest. Please read up on all the basic concept of MB. As you mention it 15 hours per week time together maybe not possible. You should try to be creative w/ internet chat w/ him while he is on the road.

Do you know his top 5 ENs ? LBs ? that are a start.

-rh-

Thank you so much for replying. Just what I needed.
We have been married for 10 years. Never did I suspect an affair, ever. But, a few months ago, after a big move, I smelled a distinct perfume on him. When questioned he replied, well you are taking that well. What ?? I freaked out. He denied and denied. I tried to be cool and let him know how worried I was. Beginning of him acting differently.
Also, around the same time, intimacy changed quite a bit. I do not want to get into that, but lets just say things changed.
Lately whenever the subject of cheating has come up, about a movie or whatever, he has said he would forgive me and people should be forgiven. A new attitude for him.
He has always (up until a few months ago) shown his love for me tremendously. I always knew it and perhaps treated it lightly.
He is just not as attentive as before. When I have questioned him about having a girlfriend, he gets defensive and tells me to be mature. Finally prying it out of him that he loves me and has no girlfriend. So, I have really been trying to show my love for him lately. But, kinda hard long distance. He says I have to trust him but my mind just wonders.
We have not gotten a cell phone bill lately, and I am very anxious to receive one. (both phones are on the same bill, mine)
I have been taking an AD and wonder if that is discussed here. I am taking a poplular one that starts with a letter at the end of the alphabet. hint, hint. Hope that is ok.
I have been following my gut for the past few months and it is making me sick with worry. I really thought for sure that when questioned about an affair, which was months ago, he would confess. He has always seemed so honest with me about everything. But not this. I guess that is normal but not what I expected. Although of course, I do not want to hear it.
thanks again.

No children, in our late 40's

Zoloft ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It is good that you get it. It makes you stable but at some point you have to get off it.

Learn about MB as much as you can, here you can learn how to fall in love and stay in love.

Be creative w/ setting 15 hours of one-on-one time. BTW, since you don't have kids, why not go w/ him once in a while <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ?.

-rh-

Thanks for replying. No, not Zoloft, did not think of that one - xanax. The smallest dose possible. I have often thought of having some drinks, but figure that will only make me more depressed. So far, so good on that one. Does not seem like the answer to me - yet.
I work full time. He keeps (kept) saying that I could quit soon, and would really like to. But he just switched companies, so I feel like I should wait before quitting, but sometimes I panic so much and can hardly control myself.
Here is an example - This morning my cell rings at 6:20 am, it is him. It took me too long to answer and it was a missed call. No problem, I will just call him right back. Obviously he can talk right now, or else he would not have called. Sometimes he is sleeping or unloading trucks. So I called him right back. It went right over to voice mail. I called a couple of times more. No answer. hmmmm what is he doing ??
I finally got ahold of him hours later. During the conversation, that was going alright, not too great but alright. I mentioned that he had called and I missed the call early in the morning. No, he said. He did not call me !!! Well, yes he did. The number and time is there. So, did he call my number by mistake ??? Or turn around and call someone else ?? He would not answer, that is for sure.
Things like this are driving me crazy. I was not confrontational about it all. I knew he had called. But dropped it.
I am dreading the phone bill coming. help

Car (how funny, I like carnations, but car is a vehicle, as in truck - never mind. )

xanax is a tranquilizer, not an anti-D. You might want to start taking an anti-D. It is very difficult when you first start suspecting things, but does get much better. Start in Plan A.

Hi. thanks for replying. I have never been one to get depressed, no matter what. More of a panic attack situation that comes and goes. This seems to be working for me, but I do not have a refill !! Perhaps a dr. appt. is in order. I must keep my what-is-left-of-it sanity.
I will go back and reread Plan A. I have really been trying hard lately. I did read somewhere on here lately that if you want them to be in love with you - give them a reason.
This is just so much harder to convey miles apart. course, not much time to fight either !!
Is anyone else's SO gone or travel all the time ?? I need help coping and keeping my mind from wondering. like this morning's phone call.

On pins and needles until phone bill arrives.

Car

carnation,

Get a cell phone under 1 bill, most providers won't charge you cell 2 cell.

You have not answer me yet ... what is stopping you from going on the road w/ H ?. You have no kids !.

-rh-

I am pretty sure I have mentioned that I work fulltime. I do have alot of vacation days coming to me, but I also am expecting my first grandchild in a couple of weeks, my daughter, so I certainly do not want to miss that !!
He used to say that I could quit my job soon, the money he makes is good, but he is new with this company. So waiting makes sense.
Plus, perhaps this has come across, I am very fearful. Realizing that I am has helped pinpoint some of my problems, some. So, sadly, I am also fearful to be on the road all the time. Between the fear of an accident, the weather and hold ups, I am afraid. He, thankfully, is not. At times I tell him that I can't wait to be with him and will go, but when reality strikes, and I panic again, I get scared. Just trying to be honest about it all so you will understand.
I have grown children from previous marriage. We have none together.
So between my job, his new job, a baby on the way, and being so scared of everything, I stay put. But, actually, losing him is what I am afraid most of -- so what to do ???

thanks for the reply. Car

Hi, me again. I just got done talking with a girlfriend, who has a good frined whose H is a truck driver. She informed me that he, who is not good looking at all, gets hit on daily. Well, that is just what I wanted to hear. Thanks alot. she informed me that I should not have my head in the sand about this.
She is guessing from what has been happening, the litle hints and such, that he is gone.
He used to drive locally until a couple of months ago. He was home every night. Now, never.
Granted, he just started doing long haul, so he has not had much free time.
Although if I wanted to see him for Christmas, I had to drive 3 1/2 hours to see him. Which I did. Wild horses could not have kept me away. we had a nice two days, in a motel, and I thought we bonded pretty good. I did my very best, which is all I can do.
Please give me your insight on all of this. I am trying to nip something in the bud before it gets too out of hand. He will just not admit to anything. But the gut feeling is killing me.

P.S. He had 10 of the signs of an affair.

Car

car,

I am not telling you to deny your own gut ... 99% is correct. However w/o prove you have nothing and H would use it against you.

Now in the meanwhile, learn about MB. Plan A and be patience. If there is A, he will make mistake. Look into phone records, irregular spending $ etc. If there is no A, you learn how to put intimacy back in your M.

-rh-

Thanks for the replys. I so need some interaction from others in or have been in my situation.
Let me explain some other things going on. My H is not actually my H. We married about 10 years ago, but divorced after only 3 years. It was totally my decision. Of course, I regret it now as I have a million times. He knows this.
I am sure that this action hurt him at the time, he never really said for me not to do it, because he knew I had my mind made up.
The reason I did was financial, he had a judgement towards him and as his wife I may have been held responsible for it (it was from a long time ago before we had even met) so I panicked and divorced him - only on paper. I kept telling him that nothing would chnage. I am sure it hurt him at the time, but it really never seemed to matter. Well, to me anywway.
We both present ourselves to each other and others as married.
So, if he wants to leave me while out on the road for someone else or whatever, he is pretty much free to go. I just need to know where his heart is. I guess that is the main thing. It certainly is with me.
Hindsight is always 20/20. Of course I wish that I had not done that. I guess I need a serious plan A even though I have no absolute proof. Just my hints and gut.
I have been sending him soooo many lovely messages on his cell trying to get my message across. He knows how I feel and that is all I can do right now.
I was so worried about him going on the road for long periods of time but the money is so much more than just driving locally. But it certainly is not worth it. at least to me.
Please reply with this new info. The divorce has already happened. But it really does and always has seemed very much like we are married. Does that change anything ???

Thanks so much for the help and listening.

Car

car,

I see. I don't judge. You made the decisions and you are the one is livin' in it. MB is about how to fall in love and how to stay in love. Again learn about MB as much as you can and come back for more questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been sending him soooo many lovely messages on his cell trying to get my message across. He knows how I feel and that is all I can do right now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is affections via words his ENs ?. If it is not you might wasting your time and might even be LB'ng. Please find out what are his top 5 ENs and all his LBs then fillin the way he likes it. The main goal in here is depositing as much and as fast LU$ as you can, and of course you have to avoid withdrawing (LB'ed).

-rh-

Carnation ... this is what I am referencing.

If you were reading this about someone else, what advice would you offer?

You said he is free to go and be with someone else if he chooses.

You also said you just want to know where his heart is.

Where is his heart? Did you find out?

Carnation

Since you have been in Plan A since January .... I was wondering why you have not made the decision that more than 6 months of Plan A is enough, and time to move on to Plan B?

See Carnation,

this is what has me worried about you.

You are fighting tooth and nail to save an already divorced marriage.

I donno ... this seems like trying to glue something back together with so many missing pieces.

and I am worried about YOU!