I need to get my act together or I will never have any chance at saving my marriage. I haven't worked in 3.5 Months, I'm a friggin basketcase.

Just when I think the marriage is going fine like today, my wife throws me into a Tailspin. I know I shouldn't listen, it may be Fog talk, etc... but it hurts like hell when she says things to me that make me tear up. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm such a friggin wimp. I'm known as a Tough Guy by everyone, I'm 6'3 232 lbs and I cry like a friggin baby. No one would ever believe I am such a F'n wimp, I can't believe it myself. There has to be a reason I can't get out of this slump.

My psycologist has a psychiatrist at his clinic who can give me a prescription for AD's.

I have no idea how these drugs work.

What are the side effects? I don't care about sexual side effects since I haven't had sex since last July and it appears it will be a long time before I do. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Are you always in the same state of mind? I trade stocks, options, futures, etc... can I function in this type of environment while on these drugs? I don't want to lose a ton of $$$

I read here today some woman who said she can't even cry because of her AD's, is this true?

Can I continue to workout 6 days a week? Will these drugs effect my energy level?

Can you get addicted?

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks

Andrew

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 12:31 AM: Message edited by: TA ]</small>

First, stop beating yourself up for tears. It's too bad that showing emotion has gotten such a bad rap for guys.

But second, if your emotions are such a roller-coaster that you can't function, A/D's might help you. They don't just magically heal you and make you all happy--at least not in my experience. But if you find one that works for you, it will level your moods and keep the lows from being so low, and will allow you to think more clearly and function better.

Yes, they can have sexual side effects. I'm a woman, so mine would be different than yours, but they are one reason I can't take Paxil. Others were that it caused insomnia that didn't get better as time went on, and it caused me to shake when I yawned.

I've had really good luck with both Celexa and Lexapro (which are similar to Paxil and Zoloft). I think if taken in fairly high doses, some people have experienced sort of a deadening of their emotions, so that they can't cry, etc.

I take a lower dose and trust me, if the mood strikes me I can cry just fine...or get angry...or be happy.

They aren't technically physically addictive, but if you just stop them abruptly without weaning off, they can cause some unpleasant side effects like jitters and electrical "zap" feelings in your muscles. I also experience a bit more nervous jitters for the first week or so I'm on them (have taken them on and off for several years).

They shouldn't leave you feeling spacey or unable to concentrate. If they do, tell your doctor.

The only sort of bad thing about A/D's is that their effect isn't immediate. Some people feel better in a week or so. It takes me 4-6 weeks to really notice that I'm better.

Hope you find that helpful.

LL

One more thing...I sort of reamed you on that other thread about the "burn in Hell" comment.

I do think you came on strong, but I can see you are very angry and very hurt.

In thinking of why I took it so poorly, I think it's because back years ago I was unfaithful to my H. He found out (wasn't difficult...I went to a movie with a coworker and didn't show up back at home until 2am--would rather have just fallen off the face of the earth because I was well aware of the magnitude of my mistake, but it unfortunately didn't happen). A day or so afterwards, he was drunk as always and was sitting with my son in the living room (he was about 4) and says to him, "Your mommy is going to burn in Hell".

Just says it as calmly and matter-of-factly as if he was asking the boy what he wanted for dinner. What a thing to tell a 4-year-old. I doubt he remembers it, but it's permanently etched in my brain. Really tough to get past. And when I read that I thought about how it would feel for someone else to hear that.

It was just a really bad trigger. I am sorry.

LL

TA

ADs do have side effects and they are different with each one. I am on wellbutrin because it is one of the ones that doesn't have sexual side effects. It did make me very sleepy for the first couple of weeks but I adjusted. And it hasn't made me dry up emotionally. I have heard of that happening. It just sort of evens me out. I still get sad but it is more manageble. For me, it hasn't taken the pain away, just made my thinking clearer and more focused to deal with it.

Good luck.

Tiggy

TA


I'll chime in regarding Zoloft....I have been on it for over two years. Like Wellbutrin, it doesn't take all your emotions away, it just takes the "edge" off...

The non-sexual side effects are very minimal with me...more vivid dreams, lower tolerance to alcohol (actually, I shouldn't drink at all while taking it, Zoloft is very hard on the liver), grinding my teeth a bit.


I have built a bit of a tolerance to it, so I am thinking about changing meds soon....

I would recommend Zoloft to anyone who is going through a D....of course, their doctor should be the one to decide for them, though....

TM

TA - the meds don't change "YOU". What they do is to take the extreme "highs and lows" out of the equation and "smooth out" your emotional responses so that you can think clearly. There are various side effects that are a potential with any med. Insomnia is the most prevalent, so it's best not to take them too close to bedtime. I used Welbutrin for about 6 months and would always take my last dose about 6pm. (twice a day dosing)

Right now, from what you've described, your emotions are controlling you. That's not a lot different from someone caught up in an affair. They aren't thinking clearly and are allowing their emotions to control their behavior.

TA, there are chemical changes that happen in the brain under stress and emotional devastation. The meds help to "correct" those changes so that you can regain volitional control again.

No apologies are needed about how all this has affected you and your ability to work, etc. We all KNOW the effects, unlike those who have never gone through it. Think of it kind of like women....only women truly know what it's like to be pregnant, and having gone through it, they know when another woman says something or acts "crazy" during a pregnancy. Men don't have the same experience, so they can't really "know." Perhaps having lived with a pregnant wife, they have learned by observation and have exerienced the "consequences," or "acting out" of the pregnancy, but they have not personally lived through the mind altering, pickles and ice cream at midnight, state of mind.

TA, your reaction is NORMAL. TA, just about everything you believed was "normal" for you and your marriage has now been called into question and your mind is having a hard time dealing with it. Think of it like the guys who believed adamantly that the earth was flat, but then they wound up on a ship with a guy who sailing right to the "edge of the world" because he thought the earth really was round. They would have been terrified and panicking. The closer they came to the edge of "reality" the more debilitating their fear would have been. But then they found that all that they "thought was true" was not true and replaced it with "new truth." There was no "going back" anymore. They had to live TODAY and forward into the future as "new men" with "new and better and more accurate" information.

You can, and will, too. What you thought was true, is now known to be false. You are now searching for "what is the truth." You are still dealing with a lifetime of "old habits based on old falsehoods," but they are HABITS.

Why do you think that Scripture speaks of being "born-again," of becoming a "new creation" in Christ? Because the falsehood of past beliefs is laid bare and the truth of what is real is embraced. It DOES change someone, even though it may take a while for the old habits to be replaced with newer and better habits.

God bless.

I had an awful time with prozac.

I took myself off AD's. AND!!!! Against "all" the great advice I get from here I won't try any again.

Not that there is anything wrong with it.

I don't want to keep looking for the magical cure.

I'm not saying AD's won't help you. They do work. They wouldn't be allowed to be used other wise.

Like you, I've friggn' cried my eyes out. Still do (d-day in Sept). I'm sure the great people around here will keep telling me (and thank you everyone) that I need to get on AD's. I just can't do that again.

For me, the magical cure....that will come from my wife finally showing me, over time, she is in this marriage to stay, that she loves me, that she is sorry.

I don't want to find myself down the road 3 years and several 1000 pills later, numb to pain, and still not sure. On top of that....really needing to come off these AD's and scared too. Scared of what I might feel. Sort of a double edged sword.

TA....my non-medical advice. From a person who is failing terribly at his own advice some days,
Fight thru it.... not for prides sake. Because one way or another we all do have to make it thru this.
BY THE WAY!!!!! Since I've not really worked since Sept, even though I've been at work....I'm starting working today. Not because I care about work. Because, I have to do that for me. That is an AD. Doing things for yourself!
HAHA that is the best advice I'll ever give in my life....

TA,

Like Forever says...the ADs will help take out the highs and lows. If you want to know which is the best for you, then see your doctor. Each medication reacts somewhat differently with each individual. And like what was said above, most of these take a few weeks to fully set in...so if you need them, then get on it now.

If you go back and read my posts starting in June 2002, you will see I was like you. I couldnt work, couldnt sleep. I was a mess! But two things got me going again. First, I started getting back to church and into my faith in November 2002. And in December 2002, I began with my AD. By January 2003, the drugs took effect. My faith was increasing. And believe me, my wife noticed...even though we were separated. Within a few weeks in January 2003, I was getting my life together and my work and homelife together (I had the kids). And by the end of January 2003, my wife had left the OM...and began counseling with me. She came home in April 2003.

But, it was a combination of both my faith and the ADs that allowed me to get up and move. I am a soldier. I have seen a lot. But, this mess did exactly what you described...I was a big baby. Always crying, couldnt get a handle on things. But the ADs helped me get my feet under me.

My faith is what got me thru this though. A friend of mine had to remind me, even recently, of what is truly important. What I am talking about here is this. If you lost EVERYTHING today...wife, kids, job, home, money, health, etc...would Christ be enough? That was the situation with Job in the Bible. Read it! Is Jesus enough for you...even if you lose everything? If He isnt, if you cant find peace (notice I did NOT say happiness) in Him, then you will never have peace. If you put your wife or your circumstances ahead of your relationship with Him, you will only end up failing...and miserably.

He wants no one and nothing in your life ahead of Him. You figure that out...and you will have peace. And then the ADs and anything else out there, wont be needed.

In His arms.

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 07:53 AM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

I have been on Zoloft for 2.5 mths now and it has saved my life I believe. I am on a fairly low dose-but before I went on it I couldn't get out of bed, I cried all day, and I obsessed over the WH. OW, and M. Zoloft really helped w/ the thoughts I couldn't get rid of. I have no idea about sexual side effects. The only thing I have noticed is if I forget a dos I get kinda shaky. It didn't stop my crying-I still do that when I need to-and I am still sad-but it isn't unbearable anymore-there is no way I couold have gotten through this w/out it.

Go see a dr and get some help-it doesn't mean you are a wimp-and no one has to kow anyway-it is none of anyone's business!

Make sure you ask your doc, but the newer antidepressants are medications that block receptors so that more seratonin (our natural happy drug normally found in the body) can stay in the system at a higher level. (simple explaination) Some people are defecient in these chemicals all the time and so feel depressed. Exercise helps to release natual endorphins that raise mood. It takes about three weeks for these medications to kick in. Antidepressants are not addictive from what I know, some of the medications for sleep are and should only be used short term. All meications have side effects and some people don't get all of them. The sexual side effects for men are sometimes delayed ejactulation with decrease libido (sex drive). Not all of them do this, and not to all people, but be frank with your doc, he/she has heard it all before. Usually you don't stop the medications suddenly. Tapering up and down doses seems to work the best. Not all antidepressants are the same, the MAO-inhibitors are the ones that have more significant side effects, but these meds are better for some people. Then there are some older fashioned medications which are also pretty good. It can be trial and error. Talk to your pharmacist and physician and if you don't like it tell them and they will likely change it.

Ok, I talked to my doctor and this is what he said. AD's take a while before they begin to work, some take 3 weeks, others take 6 weeks. Then you have to regulate the dosage and that can take several months before you're at the right level. In addition, you may develop side effects and have to switch to another drug and start all over again. Seems like a real PITA.

He said I should continue to work out daily (I went from 6 days to 2 over this affair) this would do wonders for my system. Find a new hobby, or spend more time with my kids since they are being neglected by my wife anyways. My doctor said there is nothing I can do to get my wife to change her ways. I can only wait for her to see her misdeeds. He must have read Dr H.

I joined a Tanning salon today and did my first tan. More expensive than I thought, $90.00 for lotion which last about 12-15 times. $20.00 month plus you have to pay for a ton of credits. Seems like a Bait & Switch.

I feel 10x better today. I'm going to stick to making myself a better person both mentally and physically and hope my wife sees what a mistake she is doing to our family. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thanks everyone.

Edit: She also told me last night when I went to give her nightly rubdown to "never touch her again" even at church when you shake hands with your neighbor. She said "it's over, why do you persist to save this marriage, I told you I want out. Why can't you accept this and move on. Quit talking to Steve Harley, he's a jerk who thinks he can do MC over the stupid phone." She can't look me in the EYE to save her life, so something is up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I have a session with Steve tomorrow I'll see what he has to say. I need a War Plan.

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 05:17 PM: Message edited by: TA ]</small>

First, I wouldn't rule out AD's entirely. Sure, try the exercise, but if you are still really reeling in a month or so, maybe reconsider adding AD's.

Second, try and remain composed even when your WW says the hateful stuff (I, the quick-tempered one, know this). If you let her get to you and you blow up, she feels "justified" in what she's doing. I gave my XH a LOT of justification before finding MB, before the AD's took effect, and before I focused more on God and less on me.

And third, while I will post my disclaimer that tanning can cause bad things like cancer and wrinkles (just so no one thinks I don't know this)...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I joined a Tanning salon today and did my first tan. More expensive than I thought, $90.00 for lotion which last about 12-15 times. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pass on that $90 lotion next time and buy indoor tanning lotion from Hawaiian Tropic or even Banana Boat. I have done expensive salon stuff and cheap from Target, and I've never found a difference in tanning results.

Use the money you saved to make sure you are going to a place that has top-of-the-line beds or booths and one that changes their bulbs very frequently. This makes the difference. I only tan a couple months out of each year, but I love it--really relaxing and good for my mood, and makes me look healthier, too (despite all those out there who say pasty-white looks healthiest!).

LL

TA,

They don't call me the Prozac Queen for nothing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I just wanted to let you know that your doctor is right on. Not every AD works for every person. You sometimes have to work to find the right one for you and it is a PITA, as you said. But if you need them, and they work, it is worth it, in my opinion.

But excercise by all means! Excercise is the natural way to increase those good endorphins that help lift depression. Go to it, man!

~ Snow

I wish that I would have taken the advice for AD's sooner; they saved me from the highs and lows. Please never feel that you are anything less of a person because you cry....I do it at least once a day and it isn't even related to my H's affair....lol.

I luv Lexapro. I tried Zoloft, didn't like it. Lexapro is mild and it kicks in quite fast. It also does not have such effects that you feel as though you are on medication. While it is not advisable, I have had a drink or two and I'm here...eeek.

Good Luck, but do speak with your doctor first to get a medical professional's final verdict on the best for you.

TA,

I had help with alternative medicine-- homeopathy. I went to a homeopath and he made me a concoction which worked very well, it takes about 3 weeks in the beginning when things were very very bad-- depressed, weepy, couldn't concentrate, couldn't sleep, give up easily, feel lousy about myself etc). It only took about a week the second time to work and I only took it when I felt helpless and angry about my BS situation.

I make my own concoction now, I use Bach flower remedies. It is not addictive, you don't have to wean yourself off them and they don't cost a bomb.

They helped me manage my feelings so I can function 'normally'. I think those feelings are important signals from our bodies... I just try not to be overwhelmed by these feelings all the time. They still need to be worked out.