Okay.... I feel embarrassed.
I have a close friend of mine that I am thinking about asking to be a plan b intermediary via e-mail. She recently moved to SC and WH and I live in VA so she could contact WH via e-mail.

Here is the problem...
She knows with great detail the situation and the affair. She is aware that my Mom has decided to remove herself from the "mediator" role. She also knows that I need to speak with WH about the dog, car, etc, but that Plan B inhibits me from doing so. I told her about the EI (TM) service on SYMC and how expensive it was.....
She didn't offer to help or to e-mail WH (she was a family friend until the affair) which makes me think she is not interested, or doesn't want to get involved.

She is really the only person that I can think of to ask...and I feel crappy doing so.

Do you think that I should take the chance and ask her? If so, how would I go about doing that?

Thank you in advance.
Danielle

<small>[ January 12, 2005, 08:47 PM: Message edited by: DanigirlinVA ]</small>

A close friend of yours may want even less to do with your WH than you do! It is a lot to ask, but a friend should at least be willing to discuss it with you. I suggest you bring it up with a caveat - that you will understand if she doesn't want to do it. Remember that your reason is that communicating with him is too painful for you, and you need to start your own healing.

In my sitch I have my MIL and my SIL sort of doing it, but they've stopped for some reason, and my W is now just using her attorney. The two of them may have told her forget it, or she may be too embarrassed.

GC

How about a professional mediator -- or your own lawyer (as I recall, you have one)? Lawyers are expensive, but they also offer legal consequences if agreements are not kept or property threatened (including the dog).

Again, your OW is wacky enough I'm not sure she'd find anything intimidating.

A.M.
I did consult a laywer and get the RO against OW done in VA. I am now a Manie resident, so he can't really help except to refer me to a laywer familiar with Maine law. I havn't contacted him in some time. I will do that today though....just to see IF he can do something about the dog, and if not what I should do.

I think I might ask my friend today. Hard to do, but i guess the worst she can say is no?
Danielle

So this is what my friend said "Of course I would, of course!
So, give me an email of like, a script or something so I do it right."

So my question is.....
She knows my WH, and he knows we are friends.
What would she say to him to introduce the fact that she is going to act as intermediary and translate only facts and important business b/w us?

Thanks in advance.
Danielle

I chose my mediator because of his social grace and ease, among other reasons. The friend's manner should be pleasant, helpful -- and thoroughly businesslike and unemotional.

The most important part: she is not to divulge info about you, your plans, your point of view, etc. Her role is help smooth necessary legal, property, financial, and animal transactions, without screaming, blame, recriminations (may not be possible in the case of your WH, who seems rather flammable).

My mediator also put an extra set of eyes on the situation, which is helpful. The WS's are less likely to pull fast ones, be sarcastic, etc., with an outsider (who could, after all, be a witness in court). Given your situation, email might be a good way to communicate rather than phone -- that way you will have a written record of commitments made.

Maybe in your case, you'll want to line up some backup mediators in case of more mediator burnout.

JMVHO

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DanigirlinVA:
<strong> So this is what my friend said "Of course I would, of course!
So, give me an email of like, a script or something so I do it right."

So my question is.....
She knows my WH, and he knows we are friends.
What would she say to him to introduce the fact that she is going to act as intermediary and translate only facts and important business b/w us?

Thanks in advance.
Danielle </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She doesn't tell him. You do. Most do it in a plan B letter. If you have already given him one. You can break communication to inform him of this change. Not a request but a notification of change. Spell it out. Any questions he has can be handled as: ___________________.

re: WS are very anal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

L.

<small>[ January 13, 2005, 01:46 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Orchid,..


Oh my...you are RIGHT on the money, yet again.

ANAL!!!

I wrote him an e-mail saying the notification of change. It it stated that since my Mother was no longer willing to be the intermediary XXXX has offered to do this. It said that if he needs to communicate emergency or important matters to me to please do it through her, and I would do the same. Then it said XXXX (stated her e-mail) will not be our intermediary so please contact her with any issues, as I will do the same.

SO....that isn't exactly what it said, but similar.

Notice the will NOT? That was a MISTAKE! He should have been able to figure out I meant NOW

Sure enough, she just called me to ask if I had changed my mind because WH e-mailed her and said thanks for being the middle man but you didn't stay around too long.

What? He is always good for a laugh...

Danielle

So he is saying he doesn't want to use your friend as the intermediary? Is it his choice? Think it's yours. If he doesn't want to comply, he'd better come up with a respectful and acceptable plan. But that would mean he'd have to use his brain, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Yep, you messed up with the typo. Now is not the time to laugh at him for misinterpreting him...you can't expect him to read between the lines or read your mind. This was a mistake on your part...time to fix it and not laugh at him. Your anger and resentment is wanting to get even...time to step back. Your hurt and abandonment is creating a situation in you that is toxic to recovery and loving your WH. Is it too late for Plan B? Do you not have any loving feelings left? Were you able to cut out the LBs the last few times you talked with him? And what about a Plan B letter?

SMIH,
I admit I shouldn't have laughed at his misinterpretation...it was my mistake. I feel that he KNEW what I meant and was just being a smart a$$ though. I feel like he has control over the situation since he is the one making the majority of the money, and that is hard for me. I have no car now, etc.
I have done the best I could do in Plan A. Love feelings? Oh yea, so much it hurts...to even say his name. I don't want THIS man back, (WH) but I love my H deeply. Did I wait too long to go into Plan B? Probably. He got the letter on Dec 11th.
His frame of mind is "once we get divorced", "after the divorce" WHY does he have to think like that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Oh well.
My friend e-mailed him about the car and dog. He wrote back that the dog is well taken care of (I would beg to differ) and it is his and he will 'pay me off' for it. About the car he said I need to get a better job and buy my own. Helpful....
I keep thinking "One day, he will come around." The fear that might not happen is overwhelming to think about.

Danielle

*Sigh* (((((((((Danielle)))))))))))

I hope everything works out for you babe.

-Caren