H and I are still doing well. We had a nice weekend together even though we both had the flue. I'm worried though because I find myself everyonce in awhile feeling bitter. I really have to watch what I say sometimes. I had really thought that I had forgiven him but now that he is here again the hurt is back. I'm really scared I'm going to do or say something to screw this all up. Any suggestions on how to keep my big mouth shut?

CW,<BR>Duct Tape??????? AND if you put a little hole in it for a straw, you can still have a Pepsi !!!!!<BR>Really, I still have that problem my self, and it has been 19 mo. for me. I got to the point that instead of talking, I told my H that I needed a hug. He knew that I was having a bad moment and why. It still told him something, yet I didn't have to tell him again something that would make him remember. The only time he would think about details is when I would talk about them. So, I wanted him to forget too. You must go on, you must get back to Now. So ask for hugs all the time and get passed those bad moments. Memories will always stay with you, but you don't have to let them run your new life. <P>-----------------------<BR>TIME

I like the duct tape myself Like the idea of asking for the hug instead of lovebusting even more AH.<BR>CW, will it last? It will if you both want it to. The decision to forgive is easy compared to having to live with that decision. When we're dealing with the emergency, you suppress many things, our anger and bitterness is one of them. Then, as things start to get better, it had to come out. Not nice, but necessary. Our spouses should be prepared for helping us out with this. Turning that into a positive thing, like having a key word that will let the spouse now that we're having a bad moment, is a great idea, and the hug - I really like that AH - is great because it serves to purposes: it helps with the bad moment, and get's you closer and connected.<BR>Other suggestions, after seeing me getting read from holding my breathe so I wouldn't say something I knew I shouldn't, my H decided to give me 15 minutes a day where I could, and should let it out. Just say what was on my mind, ask questions that I could't let go of, that kind of stuff. He would be there and answer without being defensive ( and believe me, that's extremelly difficult for him ).After a while, I didn't really have much to say and we ended up using that time for more pleasant things .<BR>Writing down what's bothering you, or what is coming to mind is also a good idea. He can read it if he wants, or not, but just the factthat we're writing them down, makes us feel better.<BR>ALso in the chapter of writing things down, it helped me to write down everyday, the things that my H had done to show me is consistency and desire to work with me in the rebuilding of our marriage. It always made me feel better to read those lines.<P>DOn't worry, what you're feeling is quite normal. It will work. Just give it time.<P>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

I know exactly what you mean! It's been 9 months for me but I still find myself with a barbed comment on my tongue every now and then, or a sad feeling that apparently shows all over my face.<P>We used to argue about it, because it dragged the whole issue up again. However, after I started asking for a hug AND an apology, things have improved. When I get like that, all he has to do is walk over, put his arms around me, say sorry -- and all is well. I bet some of you don't like the apology idea, but he doesn't mind doing it and I got far too few (if any) for the first 3 months -- I figure he owes me! <p>[This message has been edited by Cristalle_in_NYC (edited September 21, 1999).]

crazy or what...what kind of recovery and rebuilding are you or your H expecting? Does he expect to pick up where you were and just go on like this hasn't happened?<P>If that is so, then you may be in for a lot of surpressed anger and that's not healthy. Nor is it healthy to lash out at a remorseful partner, so I'm not suggesting that.<P>You have legitimate pain and anger. Your H is a mixure of emotions as well. Sweeping them under the rug will not help.<P>Right now so much is happened in such a short time, just rest and grieve your losses together. If you are not in counceling, consider it. Even if you are and especially if you are not, read about recovery, read about marriage, read about forgiveness.<P>Don't know if you are familiar with the threads wasstubborn, I and others are doing, but it is on a book called the Choosing to Forgive Workbook...a 12-part comprehensive plan to overcome your struggle to forgive & find lasting healing.<P>Forgiveness is tough...it is much more than a proclaimation...it is a journey...and it is maintaining a forgiving spirit. <P>Hopefully the heat of the battle is over for you, but sometime in the future, you and your H have a lot of work to do to restore your relationship. Best of Luck.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

You may have forgiven him, you just have not forgotten. I think that is to be expected. Just like everything else, time will help this.