I read this last and was hoping you could elaborate and share some tips/tools that are working for you......

mucho gracious....

Bad, are you and your H in MC? Your R sounds very much like mine and my H's. We have been with the most fantastic pro-M MC for the past 7 months. Most progress we have ever made. She does a form of therapy called something like "emotion based". It is for couples that never really had the correct or deep emotional connection and need to kind of build from the ground up. If my H and I stay together (which I believe we will) it will be mostly due to the work with our MC.

ARK

Ark, I just saw this post..sorry I missed it. You are asking about the emotions based counseling? My IC recommended it due to mine and my H's backgrounds. We both came from very messed up homes. My H is not one to open up about feelings and does not even really look people in the eye when he speaks. He comes across as very friendly, personable etc. but truly is a inward type person.

The emotions based counseling is to get to the heart of how to "build" your relationship from the bottom up. The theory is we never had a real strong emotional connection, so we have a history of just kind of swinging in the wind so to speak. The MC does alot of questioning in the beginning to see where our communication patterns are, especially the bad circular patterns that keep going and going with no resolution to them. Same old ugly cycles that we could never get out of. I was the pursuer and he was the avoider. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Ask me any questions and I will try to answer. But right now I have to leave to pick up my kiddos. I will try to get back on tonight or tomorrow to expand on my answer.

FF,

I am curious to hear more......please elaborate. I think I got one like this at home. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Hi Orchid,

Well as an example our form of cycle was we would have a disagreement, my H would withdraw, I would come after him to continue discussion, he would withdraw further either by closing his eyes and going to sleep or leaving the room, I would escalate the battle because I felt ignored, then either he would lash out with angry words or retreat further, I would get louder and more demanding as I felt him retreating furthter until we were in a complete mess of anger and hurt.

The first work we did was to identify and recognize these patterns. Now that they are identified we can stop by pointing it out to each other when it begins. This so far has been really successful.

Next we went step by step on getting my H to come out of himself. We are still in this process, we got held back several months through my H's A and many tearful session over that and then the discovery of my A from long ago and the tears over that.

This MC has gained the trust and respect of my H which has been phenomenal to watch. Anyway, I have to run. I will post more on this tomorrow.

FF,

So far, I can relate 100%. H is the same way. He did gravitate to our MC and even to Steve (though I doubt he'd admit it).

I am curious to see what happened next.

L.

Well, if we kind of go back to the beginning of the sessions.. We met together once to give our marital history. Then we each met with her individually (but the other sat in on the session silently)which was very interesting. Those individual sessions were to get our family history. A great deal of my H's trouble with connecting have to do with both of his parents. His dad was involved in several A's, drank, pushed his mom around etc.. They d'd when H was 7. Mom was the kind that if you were hurt she would say "oh that doesn't hurt". I mean she is a good mom in a lot of ways, but never mushy, huggy type.

The MC has a way of really seeing what either one of us is trying to say but are unable to. She has called me out several times just by watching me. Amazing! Anyway, she slowly built up the trust of my H and even though he gets angry with her at times, she draws him out. She has created a safe environment for us and it shows in the way my H reacts. She won't accept "I don't knows" and will redirect him when he starts rambling (which he is really good at <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Sorry, Orchid. I need to really sit down and figure out how to explain the process we have been through. Right now all I can say is we are in the best place we have EVER been in our 13 + years and that is after his 2 A's and my 1. I feel safe and loved by him for the first time. That is powerful! Now I am reading Passionate Marriage in the hopes that our intimacy will go to new levels. Very insightful book and I see my H and I in the stories.

Sorry, I learned the art of rambling from my H.

Ask any q's you have or I will try to put my thoughts together more concisely and post later. My DD is waiting to play Nancy Drew on the 'puter.

I wish I could find a counselor....marriage or otherwise that my H would go to, I mean I think maybe down the road I can get him there....I don't know if I'll have to Plan B him first or not...probably.

I can't find a damn counselor anywhere in my area that is "marriage based"....maybe I'll look for one that's emotions based...although as it stands right now, I'd be going alone.

The OW (as I can tell from the recorded conversations) sorta badgers him about things, including me....like "Don't jump when she says Jump" etc....I wonder how long he's gonna put up with that, I don't talk to him that way...never have.

Okay, I have to clean the dumb house, I know that kitten pooped somewhere..have to go and find it.

-Caren

Hey Caren, I started with my IC and really worked on my issues in the M before she recommended this MC. It took several months to get my H to agree to go and that was only because it was one of my conditions after Dday #1. Hang in there and keep working on your issues.