Just curious folks, what % do you hold the OW/OM responsible for the infidelity in you marrigae and your recovery struggles. I am interested in what people's thoughts are on this.

I blame OM 100%.
And I blame my wife 100%.

GC

Zero.

I don't blame OW for any part of what happened.

It is the way that this lifestyle is led.

I hate what she has done with my H. I hate knowing he has been just as deeply inside her as me. I feel sexually insignificant because of it, but blame? No.

I hate her because her existence hurts me. What they have done together hurts me. I would like for her to suffer, as I suffer..but it isn't going to happen. She has never been married, and has likely no idea what sort of destruction her actions and lifestyle have wrought, in my life..and the lives of all the other BSs she has been the OW to.

But blame? No. She is who she is, and that is what she does.

My H should have known better..he DID know better..and he did it, and her..anyway.

I judge her, but I do not blame her.

Noodle

[typos]

<small>[ January 20, 2005, 05:44 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

I used to. I still have no respect for them, any more than they respected me.

But blame? Naw. What does it matter to me who a bunch of strangers are having sex with?

Who FU is, however, is of great importance to me.

-OAK

I do hold SOME blame for her. She could've done the right thing. We weren't friends, but were better than acquaintances, know what I mean?

But I still hold him 100% accountable.

I don't blame her at all for the problem in trying to reconcile.

But I'm like noodle in that I still have and can't imagine NOT having much animosity towards her.

lemon,


I used to blame him a lot but not anymore. I still feel he is an amoral man. I gave him several instances in which he could have backtracked and proferred an apology, but he did not. I am also just now becoming completely aware of my WW's depth of deception and I count myself and him as pawns in her bizarre take on reality.

While the OM is represenatative of the whole WW/OM/ triumvirate of evil and amorallity, he truly plays(played, will play) a tiny role when the dust clears.

<small>[ January 20, 2005, 06:16 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

For me, the OW is nothing. I don't know her but have spoken to her. Her behaviour was pathetic for a grown woman and I don't like her at all. But as for the A, I blame my husband. He was the one who had my trust, loyalty and love. So, all my animosity is directed at him - probably 80% him, 20% OW.

I use to blame the OW a LOT- but not anymore. I use to think that there was no way my H would do this. Now do not get me wrong I still dispise the OP for being a willing component in the whole A (remember she was my "friend") but my H is 100% responsible for his own decisions and actions. No one made him break our vows and no one makes him behave the way he does.

I am in the camp that the OW/OM is NEVER even 1% responsible for an affair. I asked the question because I see so many people posting things like " if the OW would just leavfe my husban alone, we could recover"...or especially on the preg/OC board..."I trust him...not her". I guess I just really disagree with the principle that the OP had anything to do with the affair happening. They don't force our spouses to cheat or maintain contact. They don't !!!! There is one unfortunate BS who was struggling one on of the boards becasue SOMEHOW the OW was getting her husbands cell phone number each time he changed it after contact. It is comments like this that make me shriek...HELLO>>>>>>HELLO......IThey do not OWE us any responsibility...as they are not married to us. DO I think OP are vermin...your damn right I do...but in the end, they hold NO RESPONSIBILITY in an affair or struggling recovery. That onus should be placed 100% square on the WS for their actions in having an affair. ( this is not to say that recovery os all on the WS). I am talking about somehitng completely different here.

If everyone is married, there's one affair, two WSs, and two OPs.

Nobody is to blame, and everybody is to blame. Hm.

Doesn't add up, does it? Arithmetic is no good here...

GC

I blame both the OW and my H an equal amount. Well, I might put a little more blame my H's way.

What I don't get is that my H showed OW pictures of me and my kids. Told OW he loved me. Told OW he thought I was beautiful. Told OW that his feelings for her were not the same as they were in their first A together (in his first M-he thought he loved OW). Both OW and H told me this stuff (without knowledge of what each other had said).

OW still had sex with him.

Once I notified her H, OW tried to change her tune and said that she and my H had deep feelings for each other.

As a woman, I can't imagine having sex with any guy, no matter the attraction, if he said all those things about another woman.

My H was a serial cheater. He thought he loved all the OW at one time or another. OW was one of many. She doesn't seem to get that.

sss

<small>[ January 20, 2005, 06:26 PM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

I blame OW 0% for the affair.
I do blame her 100% for the things she has DONE during the affair (coming to the house, threatening me, lying, etc). I don't blame her for my husbands actions, but I blame her for HER part and her actions.
I blame her for trying to take my place in life, and I blame my husband for not seeing the reality of the situation.

Danielle

Hmmmmm the blame game. I blame him, I blame her....I guess I blame them equally, but I love him....and if she died I wouldn't even be a little bit sorry.

I think she is a sorry excuse for a human being, knowing full well that he was married, and had children.....she's known us both for about 6 years (She obviously knows him better than me). I hate her.....and I have never said I hate a soul on this earth.

Today in group, they were talking about forgiveness...that it's not really a gift to the person...and the ways you achieve it, etc. I said "Tell me, how do you forgive someone that is repeatedly kicking you in the teeth?!" She said you have to set boundaries. Well I have no boundaries for the OW, I will have boundaries in Plan B, but right now I'm exposed to all this miscellaneous bullsh*t.

You know, my friends are pretty p.o.ed about this too....I have to BEG them not to go into her candy store and screw with her....or beat her up......or spraypaint homewrecker across her car...ETC. I'm like "NOOOO Leave her alone...that won't help me" When in reality I'd like nothing better than to make her life a living hell.

She screwed with what's mine, she messed with my family....that doesn't bode well with me....the stupid slut didn't have to spread her legs did she?!?!?! Yes my husband is also to blame, and so am I, I fully accept my blame in this, which is why I would consider any plan at all, my normal reaction would be to tell him to go F himself. Which he probably assumed I would do, which is why he hid it so long.

My normal reaction would also be to beat her to a bloody pulp, and it's everything I can do not to do that......it sucks to know you are capable of doing something, but you can't do it.....arrrrgh. I am fully aware this would solve nothing....but it makes me wonder, when I'm screwing with her bliss....how are the benefits of having an affair with my husband going to outweigh the drawbacks?

I am going to find out about "alienation of affection"....and if I can I'll sue her [censored] (Not until after plan B....if he files on me), hope she enjoys her house while she can. And if he does eventually get the divorce from me (Cuz I will stall it as long as possible) I WILL Have that HOTROD, maybe I'll sell it, maybe I'll have someone video tape me smashing the hell out of it with a sledgehammer, maybe I'll just drive it around....paint it pink LMFAO....not sure yet.

But I am hellbent that I will get my husband back..........and when I'm hellbent, very little will stop me.

So I'll wait for their little web of lies to fall apart, then her [censored] is mine.

So, in conclusion, it would appear I don't necessarily put All of the blame on her.....but I wouldn't spit up her @ss if her guts were on fire.


-Caren

Caren you are too funny- excuse me I choked on my ice cream- you always seem to find humor, I know how you feel however. I have not seen OP in a year now (WOW- already) but just hearing her name still makes my blood boil- can not imagine what I will do when we cross paths- I pray we never do or I just might get myself in some duck soup!

Idon´t blame OW.She is what she is: a despicable amoral cheater, and that´sprobably what she will be all her life.I blame WH 100%.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CarenMc:
<strong> So, in conclusion, it would appear I don't necessarily put All of the blame on her.....but I wouldn't spit up her @ss if her guts were on fire.


-Caren </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Caren:

DOes your WH GET ANY BLAME her or have to accept any of the responsibilty of leaving a wife with 3 children ????? I think your mindset of being "hell bent" on getting him back at all costs makes you a little fogged IMO. The "slut" as you say DID NOT make him do anything nor does she MAKE him stay with her now and treat you like a piece of cow dung. YOu think suing her in the end for "alienation of affection" is gonna do anything productive for you? It will costs you a ton of money and soil your heart and soul as you will never be able to move on. For the record, I think you will get him back eventually. It will be easier for you to recover also as you can BOTH blame the OW for the whole sordid mess and move on easier. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I love your spunk and enjoy your posts alot , but you are in a tad of BS "fog" girl. Sorry to say.

LM

Lemon as always you make a good point. With a heart so full of bitterness it is hard to find peace and happiness.

100/100!

FR <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

caren,

WOW... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I guess that anger management isn't coming along..huh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

committed

IThey do not OWE us any responsibility...as they are not married to us.

lemonman,

I have been saying that since I first stumbled into this site years ago. I am so glad to see a BS post that...*~whew*~...it's a relief to see someone here that thinks that also.

That onus should be placed 100% square on the WS for their actions in having an affair. ( this is not to say that recovery os all on the WS).

I posted that too...only to be countered with..."well, my W/H was 'manipulated' into an affair by that lowlife".

How's that for letting their H/W OFF the hook? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I am not going to get in a battle over my comments...others might take offense...but, I am sure you don't.

committed