Many of you know my sitch. WXW having EA/PA w/family friend since X-mas '03, D-Day-July, DV-d in Nov., OM still M to W of 30+ years but also seeing WXW.


12 yo DD is just now facing what has happened to her family. She lives with me more than 1/2 time. Problem: OM and OMW were good family friends. Now, Mommy and OM are dating, OM spends much time at WXW's house. WXW trying to get DD to accept OM as they have plans to be married. OM is still very much married to OMW and DD cares for OMW. [OM has moved out of OMW home, but still "dates" OMW.] (Mommy cheated on Dad with OM, divorces Dad, now Mommy wants me to see OM as her soon to be H. OM seeing Mommy and OMW. DD told me that her Mom is committing adultery.) A few weeks ago; OMW caught OM and WXW at WXW's house. (Yes; DD was there also. It was not a pleasant time but at least they took it outside. Afterward; WXW and OM told DD not to say anything to me about it. Said that OMW was embarrassed and would not want me to know due to embarrassment.) Since then, Mommy moves her car out of garage so that OM can put his inside and close door when he comes over. OM then opens hood and WXW and OM tell DD that OM is working on the car - reason for hood up. It's a brand new car; give me a break! DD says she knows they do this so "Miss OMW" won't catch them.

DD came to me last week and said she wants to see a counselor about all of this. ("A woman who is a christian".) Through a screening process; I've found a woman who I believe will be good. Here are my questions:

1. WXW will go ballistic upon hearing of counseling. No telling what she will say to DD, especially while in fog. Should I tell WXW that "upon DD's request; I'm taking DD to see a counselor". WXW will try to "guilt" DD from going. DD loves WXW very much, saying to me last week amid tears: "Dad, my Mom is not my Mom anymore". What to do?

2. This is very secondary and I will not let it affect my decision, but the DV has cost me a lot of money. Counselor is "out of network" (don't you love our health-care system) therefore deductible is $2000. After deductible; provider will then pay for 60% of each visit. I pay for 100% of DD health care; would I be unreasonable to ask WXW to pay for 1/2 of deductible for counselor? Should she? Her position will be that she does not feel DD "needs" counseling because she has adjusted and her grades are good. (Which is a fact-her grades remain good.) However, I feel that DD is using school and my house as her "safe-places"; which makes sense to the good grades.

All input is appreciated! Thanks.

FR

FR, First may I say what an awesome DD you have. If she is requesting counseling then get for her not matter what your WXW says. You may want to prep your DD for what her mom may say to talk her out of it and help her practice some reverse babble. I would ask Orchid for some help on this one. Have you spoken to OMW about what you know?
God bless you and your DD.

Absolutely get her in counselling. Sheesh the girl's requesting it herself she obviously knows she needs help.

Didn't your divorce agreement say anything about counselling? If if it doesn't I would absolutely ask WxW for half the amount. IMO she should pay all since she is causing this mess but half if more than reasonable.

Even if WxW doesn't want to pay and you can't force her through your divorce agreement I still think you should just take the lumps and get her into counselling even if you have to pay for it yourself. No amount of money is too much to pay for your daughters mental well being through this. JMHO

Hang in there. It sounds like you are doing a good job despite your WxW attempts to make things awful for the kids. You have to be the one looking out for those kids since she obviously can't.

Miker

you could consider meeting with the school counselor who could document daughters request...also they would be a great referral system...

ark

FF, Miker, Ark:

Thanks all for the quick reply. I want to be clear that I am taking her to the counseling she requested. I was going to take her sooner but decided to wait until she approached me, which has happened, thank God! Now that it's her desire too; I feel it will be more beneficial.

My direct question is whether to wait until after a session or two with the Doc before Mom knows (so as not to begin the guilt/brainwashing, etc. from her & OM) or be my normal up-front person and tell WXW what DD desires now. Perhaps I should ask the Doc what she thinks! (Doc wants to see me alone for 1st. visit, then DD for second visit.) My only desire is for DD to get help to her questions and in getting through this debacle. I have no worry about wrath toward me; it's like bullets off Superman's chest at this point, but I do worry about my deep-thinking little girl who does not want to displease Mom! Hope that clears up my intent.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you could consider meeting with the school counselor who could document daughters request...also they would be a great referral system...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ark: Already done! Counselor at school recommended the woman we plan to see. You might find it interesting that DD loves school-counselor, but prefers not to see her "officially" because other kids may think she's a "psycho". School-counselor confirmed that this is true and is also normal. While she would love to counsel DD; counselor says perception of peers is very important for DD at this age, so referral was suggested. Astute perception on School Counselor's part!

FR

racefisher

there is nothing..and I mean NOTHING more honorable on this planet then doing what is best for the children...when the other adults are so lost they can not see the damage they are doing....

God's Grace to you and yours....

may your example shine for many...
especially those who fear acting....

ARK

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

bump <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

FR, I don't have any advice about this, but I just wanted to say that you have an awesome daughter and you are an awesome dad.

My knee-jerk is to talk to your daughter and see what she thinks about telling mom. Tell her that you *will* tell her mom, you're just not sure of when. Explain that she may get an attitude from mom about this and ask her how she plans to deal with that.

I think you should tell your XW right away (if your daughter agrees), but that's just my opinion and I have nothing real to base it on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Fishracer:
<strong> FF, Miker, Ark:
Perhaps I should ask the Doc what she thinks! (Doc wants to see me alone for 1st. visit, then DD for second visit.) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What an excellent idea! You've got nothing to lose doing it that way and your not wasting any time getting the ball rolling as well. Sounds perfect to me....

Miker

FR,

Very proud of your daughter.... U 2! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.