So it happened to me. I found out a little over a month ago that my husband of 3 years had an affair. It started before we got engaged for a few months, then stopped for more than 2 years, started up again for a few months after we were married, stoppped for 1 year, then occurred again for a few months last winter. I guess he kept trying to end it but couldn't. Anyway, I found out because OW supposedly had his baby this past fall and her friends called and told my in-laws. So, my husband had a total nervous breakdown and was on a suicide mission because he was terrified that I would find out and leave him. He has now told me everything (sometimes more than I wanted to know). It seems that the OW was supposed to have an abortion but then at the last minute changed her mind, so for the past year, the whole time she was pregnant, she's been essentially blackmailing my H and messing with him emotiuonally (constantly changing her demands and whatnot). The entire time it was going on, he was depressed and almost suicidal because he didn't want to lose me. His only contact with OW throughout her pregnancy was over the phone and to give her money (the affair ended as soon as she got pregnant). So I finally found out everything a few months after we had our first child in July. My H and I have been crying a lot lately. He's been begging me not to leave him, and I've been devastated by the betrayal. It hurts more than anything I have ever imagined. I thought we were best friends, but it turns out that he felt rejected by me for years. I rejected his sexual advances because I did not have nearly as high a sex drive as he did. He felt rejected in many other areas too, but never told me. I never knew it was such a big problem.
So now we're trying to work all this out. We both truly truly love each other, and he's doing everything he can to make it up to me. We've agreed on NC with OW and OC, which is what we both want. We are both entirely dedicated to each other and to our marriage and daughter. He says he is a totally different person and he's realized that all his priorties were out of whack. All he wants is to have a family with me and grow old together. He's very sincere. So my questions are:
1. Does our situation sound at all promising? Can we get through this? He's broken my heart, but I want us to end up with a happier and healthier marriage than we ever imagined.
2. How do I deal with all the pain I feel over past events? It's so hard to deal with how much he hurt me. I'm constantly thinking about the two of them together, and I feel so sad all the time, even though I still have a lot of hope for us.
3. We're trying to buy a house right now, and H wants to have another baby. We've always planned to have our children really close together, and we're considering getting pregnant again this summer. Is that crazy/too soon after such a life-altering experience?
I would soooo appreciate any insight or advice from others who have gone through this. I've read through most of the posts on here, and there are so many wonderful people who have been hurt. I hope some good can come from all this pain.

Sorry you have to join the boards. The feeling you are feeling get better I am told.
My H and I were in the same boat. Him feelin rejected and with a much higher sex drive than me. I wish I could offer some really good advice, but I just found out a little over a month ago myself, and am looking for some of the same answers.
I don't know what MB thinks about what you should do about the OC. You should look at the posts on that board. But, I would have to say that your husband needs to be a real man, and be a father to the child he conceived. I know that that is probably hard for you to hear, and I could be wrong, but regardless of the circumstances involved, your husband is that child's father, and he needs to act like it.
I hope that things do work out for you, and that you can regain your marriage. Please continue to read, I have found everything so helpful. Take care, and keep being strong.

Hello still and welcome to MB. I am so sorry for the situation in your M that brings you here. Yes, there are many wonderful people on these boards. Both FWS and BS can give you some advice and hope. I also recommend you try posting on the preg/child board for advice. Ok, I am going attempt to answer some of your questions.
1. Does our situation sound at all promising? Can we get through this? He's broken my heart, but I want us to end up with a happier and healthier marriage than we ever imagined. From your description, yes it does sound promising. Did your H send a NC letter that you read and approved of? Are you in MC? From what I have personally dealt with and have seen on these boards you can have a better M than before but it takes work.
2. How do I deal with all the pain I feel over past events? It's so hard to deal with how much he hurt me. I'm constantly thinking about the two of them together, and I feel so sad all the time, even though I still have a lot of hope for us. I hate to say this, but time is your best friend for getting through this. Also, prayer for me worked very well. For me the best way to stop the pictures was to create new ones with my H. Do you talk to your H about your sadness? Has he become an open book for you?
3. We're trying to buy a house right now, and H wants to have another baby. We've always planned to have our children really close together, and we're considering getting pregnant again this summer. Is that crazy/too soon after such a life-altering experience? IMHO, that is just too much stress to a newly recovering M. Buy the house, work on creating a stronger M and then you can think about another baby. Is your H paying CS? I agree with the NC BTW. Go to the p/c board and post about the C/NC debate.

Hugs and all God blessings on you and your H.

Thanks so much for responding.
In answer to your questions faithful follower, my H did not send a NC letter because I didn't know about this concept at the time. He simply changed his cell phone number and figured she would get the hint. At this point their relationship had been long over anyway. There wasn't even a friendship left.
We went to a counselor and she said she wanted to see H alone and was totally dismissive of me. She had many other sugestions we totally disagreed with (OW tried to contact H via e-mail and he told me about it. Counselor asked why I needed to be the "secret police," as if H should have kept this from me. Ugh!) Needless to say, we stopped going and haven't found another MC yet. We're going to keep looking.
I do talk to H about everything I am feeling. We are doin our best to be totally open and honest with each other right now, even though he seems to want to brush everything under the rug and move on with our lives. I definitely don't think that's the right way to deal with things.
Thanks for your advice! Reading all the posts on here is very helpful.

I would suggest purchasing or checking out from the library Surviving an Affair or Torn Assunder or After the Affair for both of you to read. Also you may want to read His Needs Her Needs to affair proof your M. Look for a pro M counselor, generally Christian counselors are pro M. Do you and your H attend a church? If so, have you gotten any counsel from your pastor?

As I was told here you can nto brush thing under the rug -you will trip over the lumps. Does your H read on this site with you? Another thing a wise woman said do NOT make any changes in your life right now. Do not buy a house just yet -give it time for you to heal and learn to trust him again. It takes time and the expense of a home is not good right now. My WH has been buying me everything I have ever wanted -he bought me a one carat emeral with diamonds -to expensive but if things don't work out -I can sell it. Hopefully I do not have to sell. I would also wait a while for another child. You two need to work on yourselves first. Please think about his -there A was so off and on again I would wait and see....

faithful--I've read Surviving an Affair and After the Affair, and I intend to continue reading anything I can get my hands on that might help. We do not belong to a church, but I will begin searching for another MC right away.

angeldarling--thanks for the advice. I think you might be right. I really feel like we need to move right now because I want to be closer to our families during these rough times. We live a couple hours away and I feel kind of isolated right now. Anyway, maybe we should just rent another apartment for a while until I see how everything goes. I guess I'm kind of looking to make changes that will make me happier, and buying a house or getting pregnant sounds really exciting. It makes me sad to think that I shouldn't do either of those things right now, because that's what I really have to look forward to right now. I feel like those things are being taken away from me along with everything else I thought I had, but maybe buying a house would be more exciting in a year from now when we've recovered a bit more.

still, it is important to remember that even those things in life that bring intense please (ie a new house or baby)that they still bring stress with them. Go easy on the stressors and focus on recovery.

God bless you.