No I haven't read anything about the "12 steps"
but will take a look- thank you.
No, not an alcoholic, but I do enjoy my pinot
noir.

I like how you hardly acknowledge anyone that isn't agreeing with what you want to do. That in itself says alot, in my honest opinion.

What would you like me to say? How would you
like me to respond?
Mulan thinks I am a thief in the night, who
stole another W husband and probably not
truly sorry for any of it- so I should just
shut up be happy that I got what I wanted and
leave the poor woman alone.
Others have said the same thing without all the
accusations and insults built in.
Aren't we all entitled to boundaries. I will
respond to any questions asked or points made
warranting a response. I'll I ask is that I
be treated with a certain level of civility.
If I treat someone with courtesy and respect
on this board- I think I have the right to
expect it in return- even if you say- Paige,
I totally disagree with you and here's why....

Pink-

I can only give you the perspective of the BS, I would view any apology from the OW as a slap in the face, especially if she ended up marrying my H.

I read that she occasionally contacts her XWH, she contacts him because she 'loves/loved' him. I am sure she felt that way during the A also, that she loved him....and most likely hated you.
(She may still hate you)

I don't doubt your intentions, I just think it's a bad idea. Don't mess with her bliss....she's apparently finally able to move on, just let her.

I am glad that you and your H are doing the MB thing to keep your marriage on track, because your relationship was founded on someone else's pain, that, to me would put it on shaky ground.

No judging here Pink.....only opinion,

-Caren

Thank you CarenMc-
I appreciate your response.

Question for you...

Have you taken anything anyone on here has said, that doesn't agree with you, into consideration? And if you have, what?

I can say, most of us on here have not been poking sticks, but trying to get you to realize how some of us as BS would feel. Plain and simple.

No, we don't know how the XW would react, but if her wish was for you to leave her alone, I personally think you should respect that wish. Maybe if she told her XH that she would like an apology from you then there is your green light.

But I personally feel you should respect her wishes!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I ask is that I be treated with a certain level of civility. If I treat someone with courtesy and respect on this board- I think I have the right to expect it in return </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Lori

Yes, I have. You would have to look at my
earlier posts- I haven't posted too long so they
would still be on my history.
I bought into alot of the standard OW thinking-
"I wasn't the one who made the vow", blah, blah,
blah.
But I think 2BeUsAgain (apologoize if I got your name wrong)if you look at those posts- you'll
also see a rip the exOW apart responses I have
received. I think for some BS here- no OW (or
exOW)will ever be anything but vilified. No
apology good enough- there always faur game to
kick about. Please read Mulan's post to me-
you honestly don't see where she was trying to
get some digs in, even though I have said nothing
that could be warranted as an attack in my
emails. And frankly I find that a bit funny since
I tend to agree with a lot of her posts- most
recently to MT3B- but with her she can STRONGLY
make her point without attacking the person- she
focussed on the MB issues.

Maybe it'd be easier for you if you read some posts as... just a W...?


"No apology good enough- there always faur game to kick about."

If your H repeats the same with someone else, what would be good enough apology for you?

It's using don't-give-us-God imagination, not insulting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm sorry BelongingToNowhere, I don't understand
what you justed type.
The only thing I believe I understood was the
comment about how I would feel if I was the BS.
I would be angry and hurt- first at H, second
at OW and probably myself (karmic retribution
and I'll that). However, I don't feel I would
be blasting at someone on this board who is
clearly not my OW and who has stated that she
regrets her choices and is trying to move forward
and be a better person. I would give this person
the same benefit of the doubt I would give a
stranger on the street. I'd assume what they
were saying was the truth until actually presented
with evidence that was contradictory.

Hi Pink,

Were you thinking about writing an apology letter or were you thinking about phoning the XW and delivering your apology in person/verbally?

Kati

I can’ t speak for other people, and I’m sorry but I have to disagree with you on some of MT3B posts, yes, she can make her point w/out attacking the person, but she also has attacked the OW in the saw her picture thread. I didn’t agree with it and I told her that, all that is something to make us as BS feel better. That is MY opinion, which I am entitled to. But this isn’t about her!

I don’t think you can take a lot of what is said to you, as a personal attack on you. For the most part you are talking with BS, and there is a lot of hurt and anger that comes from that. Points are trying to be made and when it seems that you’re not even willing to listen, that gets frustrating.

A lot of your posts are I, I , I, and I believe that you need to think about her. You believe you understand the pain you have caused, until you are in that situation as the BS you have no idea, no matter how much you think you realize.

Pink, I understand you want to do good by all of this and apologizing is your way of doing it. Maybe apologizing you feel you can say, I’ve tried, I apologized, I did my part, now it’s back on her. But if she wishes for no contact by you, it will only be a slap in the face as stated before.

And what you just said to Belonging, you have no idea what you would do if the table were reversed. You can’t say I’d do this or I’d do that. A lot of us BS said a lot of things but when it actually happened it wasn’t so easy. It’s easy to type and say what you believe you’d do, but you actually do not know until it happens to you.

In response to your statement to Mulan that you have said nothing to warrant an attack from the poster here -


your very presence here is an attack to these BS's whose WH's are still in the throes of an affair, and who run the very real risk of losing their WH's to the OW.

And that you don't get that, tells me of your insincerity. You have NO understanding of what they are going through, and yet you expect them to treat you a certain way, with respect.

Had your affair ended any other way than marriage to MM, you may not be such a trigger.

You are the one needing to learn compassion in my opinion not these BS's. What they have learned at the hands of infidelity is beyond you wildest ability to understand, until you have been there.

And as you probably remember from your previous visits here, I am a FOW. Also a BS to my XMM and affair partner. And I was a BS long before that to my DD's dad.

I did write his XW a letter, but only to let her know that I understood the part I played in the destruction of her marriage, but to offer her solace that it did not work out with us either. And to let her know that I know she had NOTHING to do with her husbands infidelity, and that I was merely a continuation of her XH's inability to be faithful.

If you want "civilty" from the BS's here, then you might extend compassion first.

Your right- I can't know absolutely- she
asked how I would feel and I gave her my best
guess. Why are you critizing me for attempting
to answer her question.
I think you are confusing my other statement.
I meant it in regards to Mulan not MT3B.
Lastly, I focus my questions as "I" simply
because it is "I" posting. It's hard to focus
questions on her- because I don't know her or
her particular feelings or what she would
necessarily think. I can control me and focus on
improving me and working on me becoming a better
person.
So in that sense- yes, the questions are about
me. But isn't that the case with all of us here
(with the exception of children)
My M
My WS A
My moving forward

Thanks! :-)

It's interesting that you brought up this topic. I always blasted that if this would ever happen to me, I'd be out the door and wouldn't look back for a second. Well, when you are actually in this situation, it is like nothing you could ever imagine. It is very difficult to imagine.

I do have another question for you though. Let's say, you call her and you apologize to her and she goes off on the phone and then calls your H and tells him how much this has upset her. Since he now has a cordial and friendly relationship with her, I highly doubt that he is willing to compromise this and it may stir up a bunch of trouble for you.

Is there anyway that you can make this good with yourself without actually contacting the XW? I was thinking in terms of maybe volunterring at a women's shelter for a little while or something like that. This could be something just very personal for you and you wouldn't need to tell anyone what you are doing and why you are doing what you're doing. I hope I'm making myself clear here. ;-)

I get the feeling that you truly feel bad for what has happened, but I also sense that you could possibly open up a bad can of worms not only for the XW, but also for yourself and your husband if you contact after she specifically told you that she does not ever want to see or hear from you again.

One more thing, did you know XW in the past, were you two friends or is she unknown to you?

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2B Us Again:

And what you just said to Belonging, you have no idea what you would do if the table were reversed. You can’t say I’d do this or I’d do that. A lot of us BS said a lot of things but when it actually happened it wasn’t so easy. It’s easy to type and say what you believe you’d do, but you actually do not know until it happens to you. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The Pink Paige:
The only thing I believe I understood was the
comment about how I would feel if I was the BS.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, but what would be good enough apology for you??
(And I'd still like you to answer what you THINK it would be)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">However, I don't feel I would
be blasting at someone on this board who is
clearly not my OW.......</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You feel, but you do not know!

My point is - replies you've got are not insulting you, blasting at you, attacking you, at least not even 1% of the pain the posters went through because of THEIR OW (among other issues in their Ms)... and you mentioned earlier a word - empathy?

Hang in there Paige, your question has already been answered by Pep....POJA. As far as your desire to apologize being characterized as being "selfish" by some here, I wouldn't worry about it.

If an apology isn't "selfish" ie: truly motivated from the self in the first place, then it's not a heartfelt apology. It's not genuine or real if you don't FEEL it. You DO feel it and this is growth! Whether it's beneficial or necessary to act on your feelings is a matter between you and your H.

This is definitely an issue that you and your husband can use POJA to resolve and as was suggested earlier, he is the one who knows her best. I'm going to add that he is also the one who knows YOU best, HE is the only person who has a chance to understand your motives and intent. I'd follow his lead on this, Paige. It really is a great POJA excercise for the two of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> KB

Just extend some compassion to the BS's when they respond to you out of their pain and mistrust.

They have a lot of pain and very little to trust. Same with me. You are a trigger to me too. You posts always upset me, so I know there is something still going on inside me which I at times think has healed.

You keep coming back to this board, so there is something you need from it.

If you are like me, I needed to understand how to become the person I would become. How to heal from the things I had done, knowingly and not. I needed to understand what people who have formed lifelong marriages had that I didn't have.

What you seek from this board, I have no idea. But I will say you have as much right to be here as anyone else.

However, the BS's have as much right also to respond to you honestly with their own feelings.

Just my .02. I am trying to learn how to communicate without letting it become personal. So hope I am not coming off as offensive, as it is not my intention.

Take care,

Wow the ???s are coming faster than I can read,
relog in and answer. So my apologies to any I have
missed.
Weaver- if you have any suggestions on how I
could show better compassion without lying about
my past, please offer and I will sincerely listen.
I believe that my posts have been civil and kind.
I have not said anything to provoke- I think it's
more my past that acts as a trigger. Maybe you
could advise me here.
Kati- I have never met my H's ExW. I do perform
volunteer work. I would never approach her w/o
talking to H first (POJA) and feeling that it was
something that she wanted and felt would help her.
If that did come to pass, I would probably
write her a letter and keep it short and to the
point.
Belongs to Nowhere- I don't believe that personal
pain allows us to engage in unprovoked attacks.
I doubt highly that any individual here would
verbally attack someone on the street if the knew
they were involved in an A (I mean this in cases
where you have no direct involvement with any
of the players). I think the anonimity of the
Internet allows people freedoms that they would
not otherwise capitalize on. I think keeping
the channels of communication open and focusing
on the issues at hand is one of the purposes of
an open forum like this.
I think treating people with a degree of civility
is always the proper thing to do- hard as we
may find it at times.
I'll be gone from the Internet for a couple of
hours but will return- don't think I'm avoiding.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The Pink Paige:
I'll be gone from the Internet for a couple of
hours but will return</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">... to answer my questions, finally...? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />