Ok so Not quite sure where we stand i don't know that we are in recorvery or maybe we are. i have no proof of contact with them two since Sept. and lately he is trying so hard we are even going to MC. But I just don't know if were really in recovery. I am not letting my self get over this it hink. i think i'm slowing donw the process. I still have some resentmetn/anger/fear in me. even when we were going to have Sf the other night (something that has been done a lot since all this has been over ...) i felt wierd. I get suspoiuos at the drop of a hat . like we got chinese food the other night his fortune cookie said now is the tiem to start your love affair or something like that. i got upset. he was very compassionate but then the next day his fortune was missing from where they all were i thought maybe he put it in his bag to brin gto work. .of course i dont say it to him but i'm susopious until i noticed it laying uner the cabinet and i threw them away. just like tonight he calsl to say he has tow ork an hour late. i know he'll be there i can call him anyminute and find him but I start thinking of how this has got to be realted to ow in someway maybe he left for an hour earlier an dhas to work an hour to make it up maybe she really does still work there ( i highly doubt) and he jsut wants to hang out with her. HOW do i stop these thoughts which are pulling me down and also make me sad and withdrawn. any ideas?

<small>[ February 02, 2005, 08:27 PM: Message edited by: mylife25 ]</small>

Dear M,

I know how you feel. The fortune in the cookie? That's a trigger. Something, a song, a movie, whatever that brings the trauma of the A back out fresh in your mind. They are awful, making you feel so sad and threatened. It has happened to me - a lot. One thing you can do is tell him. I think your H knew it affected and, and he responded well. Also, throwing the stupid fortune away was therapeutic. Good for you.

The triggers happen less and less as time goes on. Explain about triggers to your H, and when one happens, tell him. He needs to know what your going through so he can help you, just as you need to help him.

I wish you both good luck.

Latest example: today i just call my H and he says hes typing an email to the other department underhim to tell them about somethings that are wrong etc. all i can think is ... he's typing long its taking a while. what if hes typing OW>....... ahhh this is driving me NUTS@

Heres my horoscope for today:

It may not be obvious to others now, but you could be hurting emotionally now. There is nothing to gain by keeping your pain on the inside. Just because something hasn't worked out according to your preference, this isn't a valid reason to withdraw. Use this time to consider what you've learned and what you need to change. Cool your heels and allow time for the passion to return before deciding what to do next

ughhh just got an email from him ... he's staying late again there too busy. Again i know he'll be there I can call and check up on him at any moment but it just aggrevates me and makes me suspoiuis.

OK one of my H's problems with me is that he says my tone always sounds aggitated with him. i am very tone deaf (he knows this i can not sing nor can i tell usually if someone is singing good or not like on american idol) my friend who i have been friends with for over 20 years said that she knows i have a tone but that i've always had it, its aprt of me and sometimes i sound aggitated.. but she knows i'm not.. As for my H we've been toethert about 11 years and the first time I had heard of this complaint is when OW came in to the picture..

The real question is ... how NOT to drive yourself crazy!

Feelings are not fact. Feelings are your internal weather and to some degree, under your management.

Make that distinction clear in your mind. Draw a line between what you KNOW as FACT and what you FEEL might be.

Journal your feelings. Journal your progress made over decreasing your obsessive fears.

BUT keep aware of the FACTS YOU KNOW to be true. Journal the facts as well.

Eventually, you will reach more equilibrium and balance ... be patient with yourself. And DO the journaling work.

Best of luck.

Pep

Thanks for writing me back. I"m just fed up with finding suspions everywhere and start to think i'm crazy!!! like just now. my h is staying late . i call to talk to him, he answered the phone strange (siad the name of his business etc) b/c he didn tknow it was me (sometimes his caller id doesn t show up) that was fine but he just had a wierd vibe coming off him, then he put me on mute/hold and said he had to take a supervisor call. anormal person would think ok thats fine but heres what runs throw my head: ow is there at his work and he is spending time with her, he is on the othe rline with ow and wanted to get back to his conversation, he does have a supervisor call but he's emailing ow.. etc
when will this end d day was almost 2 years ago. we got back after seperation a year ago. and during this year i have found several contacts between them . nothing to the degree as it was before but osme contact. the last one being 1 text msg in september.

How have you been sleeping?
How's your appetite?
Do you think you might be depressed?
Are you on medication?

Pep

i seem fine, i think there is some depression. no meds. we will be going to our cousnler soon. but wierd thing just happend i talked with him about 10 min ago. then the phone rang once on caller id said his number (work number) and it hung up real fast. so i called right back a girl answerd. said he was out back having a ciggerette. did not sound like ow but who knows i just said can you tell him his wife called.. ughhh

so h never calls back so i call back. is aid hey whats going on (not mean sounding at all) he said what od you mean. i explain the situation to him. he says theres no redial on my phon e( it hought someone was redailing to get our number.. ) well.he was like i dont know what it could be etc and of course he gets defensive. (no longer an indication of guilt he acts like thsi anytime something is confrotned wtih him) i said look i have evidence someone from your work called, and i'm just trying to figuer out what is going on he is being a jerk and then he finannly saids we will talk when i get off work. i'm so mad righ tnow!!!!!!!

Hate to say it, but go with your gut... if you feel something is off, it probably is.

Now keep in mind I am down here again d/t WH 2nd A, so I am frustrtaed for ignoring my alarms!

If it smells like a rat....it usually is....well you know how the saying goes. I would guess that nearly 95% of the time people's instincts about a spouse cheating are correct. Keep your radar up and don't let on anything, and get your facts in order. It is usually pretty easy to confirm these suspicions once one can get over the self denial of it all. Goodluck in all of this.

Cheers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

Well last night he told me that what happend was that to dial out you have to press nine and the girl accidently pressed *9 (which is redial) so once it rung she hung up i totall y belive him. he called there and got to the end of it so i'd feel better about everything.
But my newest fear is this morning he's like what' s your email adress at work ( id dint know the ending as i never use it except internally ) and i said i dont know he sounded like he really wanted it ( in the past he has used email as a way to say stuff he wasn ot comfortable saying in person such as he was unhapy etc usually bad stuff) well i was like why'd you want my email address (i've been working here since august he's never asked before) he said i dont know maybe i just want to say hi during the day or something.. it just seems supsoius to me again..

Ok first of all relax. I know just how you feel. I still do not sleep well, but have dcided that what ever happens happens. I am not going to go around searching after him. It came out before and it will come out again if the A is still going on -mine had 2 OW one at EA the 2nd begining of PA -did not get off the ground. I have figured that he as smart before and he isn't stupid now. So if he is going to have an A what can I do but watch. I know he is not involved now -my gut has calmed down. He seems depressed these last few days but happy with me. He is not verbally abusive anymore and I am sleeping better due to that. But I do have a son in Iraq and have fears regarding that. I get lots of hugs and kisses now -so that means something as well. He calls and asks me to meet him for lunch now from time to time. I go -don't want him turning to someone else. Call H and give him your e-mail address -maybe he wants to send you a love note??

ok this afternoon i get out of work. call H first like usual. he says i'm so busy didnt gyou get my message . is adi no. so i let him go his message said i'm really busy i'll call u back at home in about an hour and hafl (i think to mysaelf that he's going out with Ow or leaving work and jsut doesnt want me to call) he then pages my phone with i love u i start getting suspious. well before the hour and haflf i had to call him b/c i had an ermergencey and i was thinking for sure he would not be there... he answered. so again i am parnoid for no reason. all of this just got worse since my last close call wtih contact. see the last contact i know they had was a text msg he sent in septemer he sent it her "last day " at his work. i have no absoulute proff she left his work. he offered to email me proff But then i'd have to see her pic. i couldn not ahndle that. so i opted to trust him. So then just last week he made a cd with these really strnage girl singing songs not love songs but not music he normall ylistens to i thought it would be for her he swears he just wanted something different to listen to. but since then i'm even more paranoid then usual. its driving me nuts and making me scared i will ruin this chance on our marriage i'm so scared that if i let go and give it a chance or take his word i'll end up burned i know what you mean about how we found out before so we'd find out again. abut i'm scared i'll miss it this time. or i wouldnt figure it out. because i'd be trying to be trusting him.

My life-

Okay hon first....breathe.....breathe. You're way to jumpy. You can't think that everytime any little thing happens, you need to go to your doctor and get on an anti-depressant, it takes a while to work, but it calm you down.

I know what happened was incredibly painful, but hon....you won, you and your husband are still together.....when did you say you start counseling? Make sure that you let the counselor know that everytime something is a bit out of sorts you think the worst. I'm sure he will instruct your husband on how to react to you when you feel like this, what to do to reassure you.

That's all you need, his reassurance that it's okay, that it's not happening again. So if you feel something is going on...tell him that you NEED to call him, just to make sure....you'll start trusting him again, little by little.

Honestly, I mean at the beginning of the post I thought, okay....her gut is telling her something is up (Normally I'd say go with your gut), but I really think you're misreading your gut...now I don't know your H, so I can't be certain of this. But I think you are just stuck.....that you can't get past this point in your recovery, I think if the doctor put you on some meds, and you're going to counseling....it ought to work itself out fairly quickly (like 6 weeks). I think what you have going on is an anxiety disorder....I'm not a doctor, but I have this disorder, and the right antidepressant will help....it's just like someone that has a social anxiety....it's all just brain chemistry gone awry.

I think it's gonna be okay hon.....just keep breathing, k?

-Caren

Caren,
Thanks for your response. I agree totally with what you said the part i really need help with is figuring out how to slow down and not think this way it has been almost 2 years since d day and i think this is the worse its been! i dont know why its getting worse. especially since he's been being nice. We start counsling on the 7th supposed to start earlier but had an emergancy come up. this in itself of gettin ghim to go is a BIG step. there ar e alot of positives to look at and see But i tend to find the smallest minute thing to focus on. and over analyze.
Like i spoke with him at 9:15 he said he is coming home in like 10 min to call his cell. i call about 15 min later no asnwer. i call him at work. he said that he is still finishing up and should be leaving in a few minutes. he answered the phone strange and said the caller id isnt working. i immediently thing wait maybe he's on the other line with OW and that swhy his id is not working. but the reality part of my brain says wait he's been on the phone and seen it before and i thin i'm a nut agian. i know i should ask the counsler for some meds etc. I just dont know why this paranoia has started just this past week. like i said the only trigger is that CD that i foudn he burned and he kept it i know he didnt give it to anyone it just freaked me out i think. after almost 2 years of this crap i do NOT want to go through this gain. i'm so scared of missing it if i let loose or that i'm letting him get away with something if i dont qeustion somethoing out of the normal. the past year of recovery since he moved home has not been easy many many slipsl and lies. like i tell him the last lie tha ti KNOW Of was a week ago its not like he hasnt lied for six montsh and i'm still going nuts.

Awww hon, you can't keep feeling like this, that's awful. That's no way to live.

I'm pretty sure the counselor won't be able to give you any medication....unless it's a psychiatrist, but counselors usually aren't.

Do you have a family doctor? Just try to get an appointment with him/her.....I know my doctor's office can get me in the same day, as an "urgent" appointment (It doesn't mean because you're dying...I go in like that all the time...urgent to me means...k, I don't like how I feel...now get me in! lol)

See if they can't give you something for your nerves too.

Are you having trouble sleeping or with your appetite??

I think you just hit a snag here hon....but you're right, you can't keep doing this or your gonna burn your H out....he's not going to be able to live like that for a real long time.

I know that HE SHOULD, it is really sorta his fault to begin with. You don't need to keep saying "It's been 2 years since D-day"....D-day isn't the important date here.....the last date of contact is what I'd be working with....and that was when? September?? So that's really only been like 4 or 5 months....not all that long.

Don't beat yourself up about this, it's not something you can help, you just need to get to the doc and get on some meds...help even you out.

It'll be okay <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-Caren

P.S.-I can relate to not wanting to ignore any warning signs.....but you're finding warning signs in everything, and that's no way to live....it's very good that he's going to counseling...I think he's trying to show you that he's committing.

ok the latest thing to come up is that today when I called it sounded like he clicked over (hes at home iwth the kids today)_ and i'm at work. isadi what are you doing. he say why. I said it sounded like you clicked over, he said No i'm making breafest. I swear it soundedlike he clicked over.. he then brought it up again . saying why would you think i was on the other line i said it sounded like it . we dropped it. things have been really good latley yesterday he was so sweet. so should i say something or leave it a lone . should i assume he was not on the other line. i've een trying to stop OVERANALYZING every little thing this is bugging me.