I have been posting on here since December regarding my husband's PA/EA and I got to thinking the other day. I may have had an EA at one point with someone myself and not even realized it.

There was a guy who used to sit next to me at work. I had known him for about two years at this point. We talked every day. When I initially met him he was already divorced (with 4 kids.) His marriage had been over for a few years at this point. We talked in depth daily and we got to know each other very well.
One day he said he'd like to meet my husband sometime, sounds like he'd be a great guy - maybe they could get on a softball team together and so on.
It was at that point that I busted out in tears and told him what an ***hole my husband is and that he's angry and mean and very difficult to live with. Apparently I had never let any of this out of the bag before and had only said good things about my husband. Well he never got to meet my husband.
This guy was always so kind to me. He always told me how great I was with people and he always just went above and beyond what most men would do as far as compliments and such. I truly do not believe he was "after" me. He was just a nice person in general.
He would notice when you get a hair cut and notice when you were having an exceptionally good day or bad for that matter. He would say 'you look nice today.' But not in a suggestive way at all. Always willing to be a shoulder to cry on if I needed one.
My husband never notices anything about me at all and never gives me any compliments anything. He always can point out my any faults though very loud and clear!!

Then, at some point, not sure when, something started to change. I would notice this guy's nice smile. I would notice how handsome he looked on certain days and so on.
Then at one point I found myself having dreams about him - dreams I shouldn't have been having. That is when I knew this had to stop.
Eventually he had to move to the other side of the office thank goodness because they were taking down his cube to put in a walkway. Then it faded away as quickly as it came.
Was that an emotional affair? He no longer works with me - he moved out of state. This situation happened about two years ago and I guess now that I think back on it, It was about the time I told my husband that I didn't think I love him anymore because he was so mean.

No I do not think so -you were at a point in your R where you did not receive any en -this guys I think was just being nice. Although did you ever tell your H about him. That is were the deceit is. Did you tell your H about his nice guy at work that you two sat side by side. It is the fact of honest with your S -if you hid this maybe I was wrong and there was some Ea going on. But then again I am new to this. My H did have a OW at work who he told everything to and did not tlak to me at all. He only verbally abused me over two years. He also had a hidden e-mail account with her as the only one in his address book. that was an EN..

IMHO, any relationship that causes guilt is probably some type of affair, or betrayal. And I agree with Realtor, if you didn't tell your H about this man, you were being deceitful - and that's where the problem would lie.

I wouldn't be too concerned about it. It was minor and didn't result in anything. It isn't as though you took it beyond any boundaries.

I know that sometimes the actions of our spouses cause us to scrutinize our own actions. I don't think you did anything wrong. But, perhaps that situation can shed some light on your H's behavior. People have affairs because they are lacking things that they need in the marriage. You started spilling details of your marriage to this man because you felt as though your H didn't appreciate you. Correct me if I'm wrong, I'm no expert. But, if you had continue to talk with this man about the details of your marriage, your relationship with him could have deepened into something much more intimate. At least you realized what was happening and put a stop to it!

Kudos to you!

Try to remember how you were feeling about your marriage when you began talking to your co-worker, chances are your H was in a similar state when his EA/PA began. I am not condoning his behavior, but it will help the two of you deal with eachother if you have a solid understanding of where he was when the A started.

Good luck. Big Hugs. Keep your chin up!

thanks for such a quick reply.
Yes, I did talk about him to my H and tell him that he wanted to meet him and talk softball.
My H knew we sat next to each other at work.
I never mentioned my wild dreams to my H though, nor that I found this guy attractive.

Your H sounds a bit like mine. (OK a lot)
My H met OW through work also. The conversation with her is so wonderful he says, yet my husband is not a talker!! He grew up such a loner and the only time he really ever opened up to me is when we were dating. After we got married his emotions just quit.
My H also has an email account that he emails OW regularly, although he says he doesn't. Just the other day he forgot to log out and there was an email he'd just sent, calling her "dear" and signing it love always. Made me sick.
The verbal abuse? Yes, and so much anger. I don't know how one person can have that much anger. It all stems from childhood and I know it isn't anything I did.
Most women wouldn't have put up with it this long I don't think!

No the anger stems from their A. Their guilt and we remind then of it daily everytime they look at us. They hate themselves and we are their reminders.

SC,

I would say [jmho] that this was probably an inappropriate relationship..it was probably something that could have become an EA..or at least the temptation to engage in one..but I'd go with no..probably not. There is a difference between being tempted to do something..and doing it. If you became uncomfortable and pulled back..that was probably your superego tossing some coffee into your face and yelling "Wake Up..Danger..Danger! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> "

What a fortuitous change in office set up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think it would be wise to discuss it with your H..so that there are no secrets between you.

Even if this was honestly a "nice guy" he was still way out of bounds..who appointed him crying shoulder anyway? Even if he had no overt intent..he was still wide open and fertile ground for someone just such as yourself to take root in.

Noodle

I agree with Noodle’s post... I think your involvement with this friend can be classified as an inappropriate friendship/relationship that could have very easily lead to and EA if you hadn’t stopped it in time.

I was involved in a similar friendship at work (on e-mail). Just yesterday I’ve said to another poster that sometimes I still don’t know if I was involved in ‘just’ an Inappropriate Friendship (near-EA?) or EA... I'm not sure where IF (Inappropriate Friendship) ends and EA starts, but I think there is a very, very thin line between the two and sometimes this 'line' can be very blurry and cloudy. That's why I believe it's the best and safest to prevent any close friendships with the opposite sex except if the person is a friend of the M and both the spouses.

According to Shirley Glass in her book “Not Just Friends” , a platonic friendship, such as those that grow at work, edges into an emotional affair when the following three elements are present:

* Emotional intimacy. Transgressors share more of their ''inner self, frustrations and triumphs than with their spouses. They are on a slippery slope when they begin sharing the dissatisfaction with their marriage with a co-worker.''

* Secrecy and deception. ''They neglect to say, 'We meet every morning for coffee.' Once the lying starts, the intimacy shifts farther away from the marriage.''

* Sexual chemistry. Even though the two may not act on the chemistry, there is at least an unacknowledged sexual attraction.

You will notice that your involvement with the friend contained some of the elements above that defines an EA, but not all of it. Although you've started to develop inapproriate feelings for this man, it seems the feelings weren't mutual.

Shirley Glass also says: ''The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,''.

IMO you've already started to cross the line from friendship into romantic love (because of the feelings you developed for him), but you stopped it before anything could get out of hand. Good for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 04:02 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Suzy, I have a question for you.

Would you feel it was appropriate if your H had had this sort of relationship with a woman, if there had been no others on his part?

Just wondering.

-OAK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Would you feel it was appropriate if your H had had this sort of relationship with a woman, if there had been no others on his part?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Definately not! This sort of relationship would be just as inappropriate for my H as it was for me. This is a strange question... Inappropriate relationships/friendships is equally inappropriate, wrong and unhealthy for both spouses (men and woman)... Why are you asking? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 06:08 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Shoulda been more specific...the question was meant for Suzychapstick.

Sorry bout that.

-OAK

OnceAknight,

I see! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Sorry, I misunderstood. Sometimes names can be very confusing! Thanks for clearing it up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

very interesting responses everyone. I can say that I did not feel or even realize that it may have been inappropriate until I started to have the dreams about him.

[QUOTE
aVictimNoLonger
I know that sometimes the actions of our spouses cause us to scrutinize our own actions. [/QUOTE]

Yes, I so agree with the above statement because I haven't thought about the other guy for so long. This whole A thing with my husband is definitely causing me to think backwards. I certainly don't miss the guy at all. So I feel better about that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think it would be wise to discuss it with your H..so that there are no secrets between you.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Noodle, thanks, I did did just that last night. He basically said good for me for being stronger than him. He claims he is such a weak person.

OnceAKnight,
yes would feel it was innapropriate if my husband had this sort of relationship with someone. So, I do feel I was wrong but so glad that I stopped anything from happening.
That does make me strong, doesn't it? yippee!!

Why, yes ma'am, I believe it does <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And you are armed with that knowledge now to keep it from even coming that close in the future.

Looks like win/win to me!

-OAK