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Cerri-
Hi, I'm Caren...we haven't met before today, I wish it were under better circumstances.
I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry for your pain, and that you are in my prayers.
-Caren
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<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:37 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>
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((((Penny))))
I've been a lurker here for quite a long time now and have kept up with alot of the folks here.
You are a very beautiful woman, inside and out. I am sooo sorry your husband did this to you. Is he in the habit of sabotaging things? Sheesh! I'm so, so sorry your going through this ****ola.
Hugs and prayers to you and your family.
*MochaMe*
<small>[ January 30, 2005, 10:04 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>
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<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:38 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>
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You are a very strong woman, you have survived many past hurts, you will survive this one. Plus this time you many countless freinds that will be here for you.
-rh-
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<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:39 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>
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<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:40 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>
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Hey Cerri - I'm so sorry that you're going through this again... I can only imagin the pain that you're feeling right now. I'm praying for you and your children.
Semper Fi,
RIF
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Dear Cerri, I'm so sorry you are going through this <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> When I read this I just wanted to offer my support - you've helped so many people here and you are very good at what you do. I am glad this is a deal-breaker for you because after everything you've been through, IMHO, you don't need to put yourself through any more. If you do, you have to ask yourself why you keep trying with someone who treats you like this... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> From what you say of his past history and the continuing verbal abuse, it doesn't look to me like he is on the way to reforming his life and his outlook on others, even if he is in counselling, says he loves you, or says he is willing to do MC..... What is clear is that he has a compulsion to test the limits by breaking them.... Abusive people are people who need to be in control ALL the time....by being abusive, they get a sense of power, and they feel they are in control...and when they are "nice", they are not "nice" in the same way that non-abusive people are - being "nice" is a way of keeping you sucked in, as you put it - its the flip side of the abuse, and its there to keep you in and under their control... What he just did is him testing your deal-breaker to see if he can get away with it...and if you let him get away with it by attempting recovery yet again....you will have demonstrated to him that he can still control you.... IMHO, exposure, while it may be useful for punishing him, and helping him realize that there are consequences to breaking the limits, it will not bring the marriage back.....because it is over. When its over, its over. A deal-breaker is a deal-breaker, or it has no purpose. My heart is breaking for you because I can hear your heart breaking here, but after the initial anger and shock, this is really about you and what you want for your life and your children and what you want to live with...not about him. (((((cerri))))) LIR
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I dont have much I can say other than I'm very sorry he has hurt you and your children, again. That what astounds me..again... I think I'd rather jump off a bridge than cause my H and kids any more pain than I have done so far. I find it hard to understand that he gets so far into recovery and does it all over again. Surely he must now understand he has some real behavioural issues and would want to go to any length to get it treated??? I guess it will have to be a deal breaker condition for you if you decide to try & recover the M...but here I am teaching you to suck eggs... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> You and your kids and even your Steve in my prayers
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Cerri
I'm so shocked, and so sorry. You've done so much to help others, this is deeply unfair.
But I'm glad to see you enforce your boundaries - and demonstrate to us what boundaries mean. Even in your pain, you're helping us.
It seems clear that he did what he did out of anger at your boundary enforcement - it was a way of making you suffer for throwing him out, and he knew you would find out. This is what stops so many of us from enforcing boundaries - the dread that the kick-back will hurt us and force us to make a decision that we don't think we have the courage for. You're showing us that we CAN live with the consequences of our consequences.
My prayers are with you. {{{Cerri}}}
TogetherAlone
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cerri, very sorry to read about this.
I think it's hard for anyone to really believe that the person we love most in the word can perform such a deliberate act, designed specifically to hurt us. It's something that we (I) just can't understand. His version of control and probably thinking, "yeah, I know what she said about it being a dealbreaker, but she can't/won't leave and I can do what I want." I don't know if this describes your husband, but sometimes it is not enough for people to have control--but they also feel the need to constantly exert and show displays of this control and the only way they feel safe doing that is by hurting others. I would say your h displays this through his verbal abuse and acts like the ONS.
This is so sad for everyone involved. You and your children will be in my thoughts, cerri.
aislinn (formerly maddyk--still maddyk at symc)
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Oh Cerri, I am so sorry this has happened to you again. How awful. This is always something we dread happening especially when we are pretty sure that they 'got it' 'last time'. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw your post and had to take a double take at the date.
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<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:34 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>
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Cerri
We haven't spoken much, but your contributions have been amongst those I STUDIED not read when I was learning about the demon of infidelity that attacked our lives six months ago.
It is easy to believe when reading SYMC, the great Harley books, Torn asunder, Monogamy myth etc etc that keeping somebody faithful and happy by meeting their ENs, filling their love bank and avoiding lovebusters is a mechanical certainty.
Your horrible situation seems to demonstrate that while MB principles can work for normally reasonable people who have been drawn into an affair, some people are not only too self-serving to respond to such efforts but in fact have personalities that allow them to actively INFLICT the pain of infidelity on others as a certain heart-piercing weapon.
Behaviour such as you describe in your WH appears to me to go far beyond what MB was designed to deal with. His infidelities seem to be a symptom of a serious set of personality issues rather than anomalies.
I cannot imagine what makes a man verbally abuse his children and offer violence within his home, other than deep rooted malevolence and spite.
I would never offer advice to one such as you cerri, but if a dog kept biting ME deliberately and barking at my kids ain't no way that hound is back in MY house. EVER.Not as a punishment but as perpetual protection for myself and my kids.
All God's blessings Cerri. You will be fine.
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((((((((PENNY)))))))
do what you need to do to be safe with your children. bob's ending paragraph is right on...
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I'm sorry for you and your children.
Doesn't he know what you do for a living? The advice you surely give?
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(((((Penny)))))
Cerri - suffice it to say that we know the pain and anger that you are feeling...and you know that we do.
Suffice it to say that only YOU know all the dynamics of your marriage and only you know your Boundaries and the attendant consequences that go with a violation of those Boundaries.
If you are FIRM that the marriage is over, then a public announcement of the issue is spiteful and mean. Simply "get on with the ending" and go your separate ways. The purpose of exposure, as you know, is NOT to punish the offender. It is to destablize the affair and open the door to recovery efforts. If you've negated recovery as an option, then don't be seen as a "mean and spiteful bit@h" or "just another emotional woman." Simply DO what is necessary. Those who have a legitimate "need to know" can be told the circumstances, for the rest, it's none of their business.
It would seem that at least a separation is in order. You need time to decide on your PERMANENT course of action, and you need time to get past the initial flood of anger to be able to think clearly and make firm decisions. If the decision turns out be to continue recovery efforts despite this major detour, then remember the phrase "a lawyer who has himself as a client has a fool for a client." If the decision is to divorce and "move on," know that not all marriages are salvagable because it DOES take two people working at it to make it work.
Here is where I bring up a relationship with Christ. If you'd prefer not to discuss this, please say so and I'll not bring it up again.
Do either of you consider yourselves to be "born-again" Christians? Until that question is answered, I'll withhold furhter comment.
Cerri, know that we'd all like to hold you in our arms and just hug you and let you know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.
God bless.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For a couple hours of flirting and a few minutes of pleasure you throw away a marriage you claim means more to you than anything else and you bring certain exposure on an enormous scale? It doesn't make sense.
Except --
As a hostile act of violence toward me. And that's the part I just can't comprehend. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Penny...
It is soo much more about HIM than it is about you. Steve has some problems he has never conquered. He is someone who fills his life with an abusive need to control, with booze to allow him to violate his own boundaries, with cheap sex to fill a hole in his soul. Sure, he may have been mad at you, but this is so much more. This is a man that needs to do some serious work on himself.
It is not about you.
Hugs--
Kathi
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Cerri --
You're going to need all the love and support we can offer. I believe the Forum rules here are that giving a person's full name will result in removal from the board, so expose on the evening news if you want but don't cut off one source of support by broadcasting on MB.
Like lemonman, you are following MB principles to give your M all you can but also recognize that marriage is about mutual care, not staying no matter what.
Hugs --
Cherished
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