|
|
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,823
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,823 |
Mom23-
I understand what you're saying....of course my case was all backwards, I felt a million times better after D-Day, cuz I'd been spinning my wheels not having any hard evidence for almost 5 months....5 MONTHS of having that 'gut feeling' but being unable to prove it....it SUCKED....I have felt better and better every day since I found out.....I'm so weird..LMAO.
When I went to the suicide crisis center on New years day, it was because I thought my WH wasn't having an affair, that my gut had been THAT wrong....and if he wasn't having an affair, that meant he just didn't love me...etc, etc....I couldn't handle that. I didn't know what I was fighting against....that make sense? At least when there's another woman...I know my parameters...I know how to fight....before I was fighting against myself.
-Caren
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 3,646
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 3,646 |
<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:25 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,823
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,823 |
Cerri-
Well said, and I'm gonna have to agree with you. I have also been married once before, but I was only 17....and just thought that the marriage vows were just something people said at weddings....I didn't think a whole lot about them, but when I married my WH, I was 27 years old...and I meant every word I said. I think alot of people take things like that too lightly...I know I did, and apparently so did my WH.
I really believe with all my heart that I am going to come out of this a better person, and that I am going to come out of this with a marriage that is brand new, and different.....more stable.
I love my WH despite the pain he has caused, and I am not willing to cut and run or to divorce him. I am going to fight for what I believe is right.
-Caren
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,781
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,781 |
double post
<small>[ January 30, 2005, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,781
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,781 |
Penny,
I'm hoping you're sleeping by now, I'm trying to picture your Taker on a caffine, sugar buzz - not good!
Of course no one can tell anyone else when their marriage is over; to do so would be extreme DJs.
It's not possible for us to put ourselves in anyone else's shoes. For the most part we can only imagine what it feels like...This is like grieving. People want to say something helpful and sometimes the strangest things come out.....
That's why I like to stop, when I find myself babbling...like now!!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 27
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 27 |
Cerri, I'd like to comment on some of what you just said. I hope you take it for what it's worth. PLEASE know that I am not trying to be mean here - just realistic.
~~I know that many of you think that I need to end this marriage, and you may be right. But that decision is mine to make, and mine alone.~~
It is NOT your decision to make. He has already made it for you by continuing to damage your marriage. HE decided to destroy the vows, HE decided to have sex with another woman, HE decided to verbally abuse you and your kids, HE decided to END this marriage. There are no decisions left for you to make because you have given him the pwoer to make them all for you.
~~I also know that vows are not about what someone else does or does not do - they are about you and your personal integrity.~~
WRONG! As your life partner it IS about what he does/does not do as well as your personal integrity. He made a commitment to you that he is too childish to hold up to. It's 'what he's doing' thats causing you this pain. And just where is your personal integrity in a relationship like this? Crying yourself to sleep? Not eating? Wondering if your husband is out with another woman?......is THAT your integrity?
~~I meant what I said when we got married and for right now - I still mean it today.~~
You mean it - but he doesn't. Is that a marriage to you? You can't 'make' someone love/respect you, no matter how hard you try.
~~However, lest you think that he is going to just waltz back in here and we're gonna play footsie - you obviously don't know me all that well. ~~
We know you well enough to know that you have allowed this to happen to you numerous times - and I've only been here for 2 days!
~~`I am one hard a**ed woman when it comes to enforcing boundaries that are clearly stated. This offer that I've made to him today PROTECTS ME AND THE KIDS. It puts him at risk and on the line.~~
What risk? What line? What protection? It's never stopped him before - do you really think it's going to now??? He'll just do it again and think ' well next time she'll take me back and make even tougher boundaries'. Big deal (to him)!
~~Yes, I could have simply chosen to file for divorce tomorrow morning. But doing so puts me in a position of a battle that drains energy, time, and money~~
Is living in this nightmare SAVING you time, energy and money?? I think not.
~~~t also creates a situation where my children and I need to leave our home and try to find somewhere else to live in a community that tends to be pretty expensive.~~
Lower your standard of living.
~~If what I have proposed works out we will not have to worry about that ever again.~~
How many times have you said that before? Well, let's see.....he screwed up so I'll just make him stick to my boundaries, my way. Sorry - he hasn't done it in the past and he isn't going to now. Honestly, what is a freakin "boundary" to someone who wants to cheat???? It's a joke.
~~am very good at negotiating with my Taker and that's what this offer is all about. It's non negotiable - he can take it or leave it.~~
Of course he'll take it! Then he can settle in again until he gets ready to cheat again. SSDD.
~~But I was dead serious when I took those vows and today is not the day I abandon them.~~
He has ALREADY abandoned them. You 'hanging on' to them is only causing you more misery.
~~I understant that in no way does this man deserve me or this family.~~
Smartest thing you've said yet.
~~But I deserve the right to decide for myself when I'm done. ~~
Yes, you do 'deserve' the right - but as I said above, he has taken that right away from you because he has already made the decision.
WHAT are you hanging onto here? It's obvious that you love him (A LOT), but he does not love you the way a husband should love a wife. LET GO OF HIM. What does it say to your son when his role model is a man who continually cheats on his mother and she allows it?? Do you want your son to grow up thinking that cheating is 'ok' and that women are supposed to just take him back when he does it? Thats the example you are setting.
I am 'one of those' who has always said that I'd never take a man back if he cheated on me (and fortunately I haven't had to deal with that), but I know in my heart I'd give it another chance. You are PAST that. You have given chances out the ying-yang!!
As someone pointed out to me in my thread about my husband not working.......you are enabling him to do this. Take the power out of his hands and put it into YOURS.
I mean.......after ALL he has done....could you EVER really trust him again???? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man you are always having to check up on, wonder what he is doing, and always having doubt???? That can't be healthy - and it surely isn't happy.
Cerri - get some sleep hun, you need to clear your mind.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 3,179
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 3,179 |
CaptialC:
I know your heart is in the right place, but please take some cover girl. You have just done the equivalent of stirring a hornets nest.
LM
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 27
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 27 |
Stirring a hornets nest is not my intent at all. I do realize just how harsh I sounded, but some people need that. I am also one of those people.
When you talk about something like this on a discussion board, you can't expect everyone to just be all "honey it's gonna be ok" about it. Yes, it WILL be ok someday......as soon as she quits letting this jerk run all over her. He is taking advantage of her feelings and she is distraught. That is human nature to feel the way she does. I also know that you cannot turn off feelings like a light switch, but sometimes you have to put a dimmer switch on it......so you can dim the feeeling of love just enough to get yourself out of a bad situation.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 511
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 511 |
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cerri:
Yes, I could have simply chosen to file for divorce tomorrow morning. But doing so puts me in a position of a battle that drains energy, time, and money - things that are in short supply for me right now. It also creates a situation where my children and I need to leave our home and try to find somewhere else to live in a community that tends to be pretty expensive. If what I have proposed works out we will not have to worry about that ever again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He'll will pay for his mistakes with money!?!
So, you and your kids (not his too???) could aford the same standard life.
That'd be only sense I could see from you still trying.
PS: It irritates me more and more here when people hide real things behind some famous words as vow, God's wish, Love, Marriage...
C'mon people, calling a spade a spade doesn't hurt at all; moreover, it helps more to recognize where you are and what for, and - where you wanna be.
<small>[ January 30, 2005, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 3,179
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 3,179 |
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CaptialC: <strong> Stirring a hornets nest is not my intent at all. I do realize just how harsh I sounded, but some people need that. I am also one of those people. When you talk about something like this on a discussion board, you can't expect everyone to just be all "honey it's gonna be ok" about it. Yes, it WILL be ok someday......as soon as she quits letting this jerk run all over her. He is taking advantage of her feelings and she is distraught. That is human nature to feel the way she does. I also know that you cannot turn off feelings like a light switch, but sometimes you have to put a dimmer switch on it......so you can dim the feeeling of love just enough to get yourself out of a bad situation. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, my newbie friend, I would ordinarily write a post back to you, but I am just gonna sit back and watch. This is Cerri's thread and I don't want to thread jack. But, please heed my WELL EXPERIENCED ADVICE and take cover. Cheers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> LM
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,842
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,842 |
LOL lemonman! CapitolC, ahem, why are you on this board? This a Marriage BUILDING board, not a marriage Destroying board. Cerri is obvioulsly the only person who can make her OWN decisions. News Flash!!! MOST people on this board have been betrayed in at least one way or another and MOST people on this board are here to give there marriages another chance! oh boy...I'm gonna stop at that! I probably should not have even posted. I think that this Capitol C person is an old poster in disguise <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956 |
nevermind... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
committed
<small>[ January 30, 2005, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 3,179
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 3,179 |
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by committedandlovingit: <strong> nevermind... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> committed </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Committed: Why did you edit that post ? LM
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 3,646
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 3,646 |
<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:25 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412 |
It's alright Capital....I do most certainly understand your sentiments. As a longtime member and close friend of cerri's...lots of folks know her work and her commitment to saving marriages. Please check out her site and get a feel for what an incredible activist for marriage and fidelity she is...on a national level. She is a crusader and a marriage coach who has helped countless people on this site...and folks from all over the world fight infidelity. She sure is going to give her own marriage the same energy she's giving others.
This thread shows two things....none of us are safe from infidelity...if it could happen to Penny...it could happen to any of us. But it also shows the strength....not weakness...of this lady.
As a member of the team that is putting together the conditions for reconciliation...I can promise you that she will be protected and free to decide if she is willing to continue in her marriage. If her husband is actually willing and able to follow through it will take every resource he has (and a few small miracles)as well as blood, sweat and tears....if he can't....I have no doubt Penny will act accordingly and swiftly....but always with dignity.
Blessings to you and for your deep concern.
hugs
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 511
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 511 |
Shouldn't, I liked it!
Although, I understand you...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 3,646
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 3,646 |
<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:23 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 491
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 491 |
Cerri, I'm sorry I didn't post sooner. I haven't been on the boards lately at all. My thoughts are with you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this again. And you are right, your decisions are yours alone. No one else has to live with them but you. If there is anything I can do, let me know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 511
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 511 |
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cerri: Not exactly - but something like that. His D lives with her mom. We pay significant child support and her standard of living is not at risk. My children's is.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I finally like something here. Even if it isn't exactly... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Errr - you're not talking about me are you?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">About (too) many people I read here... And about you... you mentioned vow THEN other reasons TOO. (IMO, if it's all about vow - no other reasons to stay exist... and vice versa...)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 3,646
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 3,646 |
<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:23 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
259
guests, and
57
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
