Cerri,

I barely know you. Posted awhile back on your site and haven't really been back. But I just feel for you. I hurt for you. The disappointment, the shock AGAIN, the no sleeping again. Bless your heart. I have kind of skimmed this thread, no time to read the whole thing with midterms this week.<sigh>

Anyway, just wanted to throw out there something I am sure you already know. This isn't the time to make any major decisions being under the influence of sleep deprivation and the shock of it all. I would hope those that are suggesting an immediate divorce are just having a knee jerk reaction to seeing someone they care about being hurt. I kind of liken it to watching a friend walk into a fire and immediately reaching out to stop them.

Still your choice to walk in or stay out or be in limbo for a period of time.

Well, just wanted to say my heart hears your heart crying. Hugs ((((((Cerri))))))

Tiggy

Edited to add---Oh I see you already said it is your decision alone. More power to you hon. Be gentle everyone please. It's easy to see that Cerri's hubby is being jerkish at the moment but it still our place to be supportive and remember we each probably have our own jerkish person that brought us here. Peace.

<small>[ January 30, 2005, 07:28 PM: Message edited by: Tiggy ]</small>

First let me say that I also am part of the team that's working with/for Penny to build a safe plan for her (and the children's) future. Now, with that being said...

Just sitting here chuckling and watching from the sidelines.

Those of us who know Penny well are enjoying watching the conversations that are going on. Lemonman, LOL, I hear ya! Oh yes!

Capital...Penny is an expert in the marriage saving venue. I hope you have, by now, visited her website. Perhaps you would even like to join us over there. We welcome all who are respectful posters.

Sharon

(sorry...double post)

<small>[ January 30, 2005, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: ISGirl ]</small>

grrrrr...another - apologies

<small>[ January 30, 2005, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: ISGirl ]</small>

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:24 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ISGirl:
Just sitting here chuckling and watching from the sidelines.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does it mean Penny is OK, not shattered, not dissapointed, not sad, not miserable... so we can join you chuckling and smiling?

Super then. Cheers! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cerri,

Since I am new here I do not want to get off on the wrong foot. I may need your help someday. It's obvious that I simply view things differently than you and some of the people here. To me, it's no longer a matter of 'marriage' because no marriage exists. It's a matter of your personal strength thats needed to get you out of this unhealthy environment.


~~huh. Well first, I really didn't notice that you sounded harsh. But I'm not exactly known for pulling punches myself.~~

Gathering from some of the other replies, it appeared that I did - even though it was not necessarliy my intent.


~~Errrr -- you may not know that I OWN a bulletin board for marriage that is far more action oriented than MB has been in years. In case you didn't catch it I initiated Protection Phase (a much more in depth and supported version of n/c than Plan B) three weeks ago. I had stringent requirements for reengaging in the marriage attached to that process.~~

Yes, I knew about the other board, but haven't visited it. You implemented a protection phase 3 weeks ago, yet he cheated on you within 2 days aog. How protected are your feelings?

~~You will note that no where in my post did I ask for advice. I am a professional marriage coach and coach trainer.~~


Honestly, with all due respect, that is what concerns me most. I admire you to no end for devoting your life to saving marriages, but as you know, not all marriages can be saved. I don't see how going back into a never-ending cycle of abuse is going to save your marriage. I would think as a coach, that you would have already seen that this is one of those marriages which can't be saved. I see it and I'm not even experienced in your field.

~~I have a superb staff who know what they're doing and who have been with me day and night through every minute of this. My purpose in posting this here was to fulfill my agreement about exposing future infidelity in every communication channel available to me.~~

This is one that I really wanted to ask you about, but wasn't sure how to word it.....how does 'exposing' someone help the crisis? I would feel like a fool if I exposed my husband for cheating and then took him back. What does that say about me to everyone who I told about the affair? I genually mean that question with sincerity and not sarcasm. I am hoping to learn what the purpose of exposure is because I honestly don't know.

~~That's not to say that I don't appreciate greatly the support and the care. It's been immeasurably comforting to know that I can still be a person and not just the expert.~~

Hey, we are all human and all have feelings. As I said before, I am dealing with my own marriage problems in another thread because my husband is too lazy to work. Sometimes it's easier to give the advice than to take it - I speak from experience, which is why I am here. I want to learn how and when ot take others advice. People on the outside usually can see the whole picture.


~~You might want to ask WAT what would happen if you posted those statements on the BB that I own. We don't allow name calling of any sort. Period end of sentence. It is degrading, disrespectful, and demeans the human dignity of everyone involved.~~

My fault, and I apologize. I simply HATE cheaters and can easily let my emotions over-run my mouth.


~~Perhaps you'd like to have a conversation about the newest findings on the neurochemistry of the mating and pairing drive? How dopamine and seratonin act on the brain to create warm fuzzies (or severe distraught in the case of love gone wrong) as well as the obsessive thought patterns. There are interesting points to be made about the biochemistry surrounding all aspects of the mating drive - lust, romantic obsession, and attachment - and how we can use our understanding of that biochemistry to plan and execute our strategies for dealing with marital crises.

Let me know when you're up to date on the research - I always love a good intellectually stimulating conversation.~~

I am currently taking Psychology courses in school, so I am learning a little. They are required courses for my degree and I find them quite interesting. However, regardless of all that is involved with the nature/nurture and/or the brain, I see the scientific reasons for what he does, but I cannot see the scientific reasons for what you are doing by staying. There may be chemical reasons for his behavior, but that in no way obligates you to stay in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship.

I understand this is a marriage 'building' board.....but some can't be built. Sure, I don't have the knowledge that you do in this field, but I can't see anything that is truly going to make this man change.

I challenge your questions/comments out of the hope that I will learn something - not to be mean. The last thing I would do is kick a person when they are down. I know you are hurting and I don't want to contribute to that. I look at your experience and realize that I could be in your shoes someday and I want to know all facets of the situation.

Maybe this isn't the best time to 'learn' from you, but it's a real life situation that many of will face in our lifetime and I really am just trying to understand your actions so that I may be better prepared myself someday.

To the poster who thought I am an old member, I'm not. I came here yesterday morning after finding the board on Google. I came here because of questioning my own marriage. I too, want to build my own marriage and not throw it away, however I am not dealing with something as serious as cheating (to me that is the worst). It's easy for me to point out what I feel Cerri is doing wrong here on her thread....maybe she can point out my faults on mine. When I say 'faults', I mean areas that need to be improved. Isn't that what discussion is about?

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:24 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>

Belonging,

What I alluded to was the posters who may not know Penny/Cerri and understand what they are up against with regard to challenging her.

Penny is an amazing Marriage coach and advocate. She is schooled in the MB concepts and has her own practice.

Those who don't know her...well, they will soon enough.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"For instance, therapists are trained to encourage people to pursue the parts of their lives that bring personal happiness and satisfaction , even if these goals are at odds with what's best for the marriage, the children , or even the individual in question in the long run. The therapist wants you to feel good and do whatever it takes to make that happen."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will never agree with this, especially not if there are children involved.
It's too selfish, the same as an A is a selfish act and never considers negative consequeces on kids, just 'me, me, me' needs.

That's another extreme, opposite of so-easy-counseling-to-divorce if you are not happy nowadays (by the way, they too encourage clients 'to pursue the parts of their lives that bring personal happiness and satisfaction', don't they?!

And no extreme brings real happines and satisfaction, not in the long run.

I'm sorry this is happening to you right now -
but personally, it makes me sad to see so much activity on this thread when Cerri is *****-to-the-wall sure she knows what she is doing, and has made it clear she isn't asking for advice.....at least she doesn't want any advice that goes against her expert opinion...

Your marriage....cerri....your call....

Somewhere down on these boards are other people who need help, like StillMe whose WW tried to commit suicide today.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

LIR

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 08:21 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:22 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>

Just wanted to show my support...i have heard about you and have been to SYMC.

I dont know how you can take another hit like this.

I am still struggling with the first and waiting for it to end. I have told myself i will never do this again. This will be the one and only time i will do this waiting for him to come out of the fog.

Take Care.

~~I'm sorry this is happening to you right now -
but personally, it makes me sad to see so much activity on this thread when Cerri is balls-to-the-wall sure she knows what she is doing, and has made it clear she isn't asking for advice.....at least she doesn't want any advice that goes against her expert opinion...

Your marriage....cerri....your call....

Somewhere down on these boards are other people who need help, like StillMe whose WW tried to commit suicide today.... ~~

Lady In Red, I noticed this too. It really is silly for any of us to keep posting on a thread where there is no question/solution.

There are many other threads listed from people who actually want the help.

This thread has went to 11 pages when most don't even get 11 posts.

Cerri, I will email you for that information. Thanks.

Well, Penny, ISgirl, you sould have said that on the first page for we didn't see it that way but a devastated W after 'again A'.

Now it's more clear, Penny made a plan, it'll bring financial security, she must have got used to As in a way and following chemistry of her H's brain, hopefully serotonin and what ws else will be just fin in no time.

So, let's have a virtual drink, toast, and move to a topic where someone really needs help and will accept different opinions too without putting in danger someone's very good intentions.

All the best, Byebye <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

double post

<small>[ January 30, 2005, 08:00 PM: Message edited by: CaptialC ]</small>

double post

<small>[ January 30, 2005, 08:04 PM: Message edited by: CaptialC ]</small>

Do you people not have ANY hearts! I mean come on Belonging to nowhere! I think you really need to quit while you are down! This woman is incredibly strong! She is hurting right now..Why the sarcasm...

See this is what I do not understand about half the people here! When the person you are posting to, does NOT do what YOU want them to, you have to hit em where it hurts. and CONTINUE hitting them when they are down...

Oh sorry, she's not doing what all of you people want her to do...Leave, divorce, there is no saving! For petes sake...forget it !

Hey, Penny, I never would tell anyone to stay or go. Especially the first day. Plus, coming from me, "Dump his tushy and file for divorce" would be a huge laugh. Let's see, I'll be separated 21 months, and I filed oh, 18 months ago, and where am I? In MC, for heaven's sake!

Get some sleep. Do you have Valerian Root? I love the stuff. Preferrably with a good glass of wine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cerri:
<strong>
If you are sincerely interested email me and I will send you a copy of my Infidelity Overview which outlines the steps necessary for addressing a spouse's affair and the reasons behind them.

I am currently offering an in depth infidelity class that covers much of the above material. You might want to consider taking that as well.

C </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know this is a SERIOUS thread jack, and I am sorry....
But *I* personally have heard a lot about **edit**, and enrolled but am confused about the differences, etc.
I would like more info <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Hey, maybe this can make the thread 'nicer'
My e-mail is **edit**

Dani