OK, I was at work for more than 16 hours yesterday, by the time I left here I was exhausted and basically I had a breakdown... It hit me like a wave, and knocked me over...I almost didn't even get out of the parking garage! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I thought about it a few minutes and decided to call WH who was at home w our children (I guess "my" home since he hasn't lived there 2 weeks!) I was sobbing,, angry, sad and it all sorta spilled out. I told him I was tired, and it hurts so bad. I basically told him I was so tired fo all of it... he was kinda flat so I said "nevermind, I will call someone else to talk to!" and hung up... called my BF of 17+ yrs and let it all out.

Well in the middle of all this WH beeped in, I told him I was talking to BF and he said "talk to me" in the sweet old H way so I did... I told him how it felt seeing OW (aka fat cow) the other day, how it hurt to hear him say "we are separated", how it feels to know that I still love him and hear him refer to me like his mother!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I made it very clear that OW would never be me, that she is so beneath me it is sad and how much it hurt to hear him tell me "I am in love with her" (although he has since retracted repeatedly). It all sorta spilled out. I was sobbing and couldn't control it.

I got home and he wanted to hold me, I let him for a few minutes til I calmed down and then I sat up and we talked. He was rubbing my feet and acting all sweet. I told him again, my H was my BF and he said "I'm still your BF" and I asked him who was I talking to, WH or H... he is still confused there.

He spent the night in our bed next to me after asking me if it was ok... I told him it was still his home...

Today he has called me repeatedly. He is in alot of pain, is getting very depressed and is struggling with wanting to work and knowing he can't w/o causing a great deal of strain and pain to himself. I want to take it all away, make it all better. I want to tell him to get his back fixed and then find a new career... he is sad because he worked "so hard for this". <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

It is true, BUT... There is a reason he has a critical back injury that is keeping him from working, and honestly, having sex w the OW probably made it worse!! He wants to know if this is his punishment?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Hmmmmm...

What do you think? Is this a good thing, or just a man down and trying to hold on til he gets better? I am struggling with it all. Told him I was not going to ask him to move home anymore, that if and when he gets there than he needs to let me now...

I am so confused! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 09:56 PM: Message edited by: Momma'sSad ]</small>

Well WH went from bad to worse, still having alot of pain, not getting relief...

He has called me repeatedly today. Turns out his Mom called his sister in NV and confronted her about the sexual abuse they suffered at the hands of their father (now I find this bizarre since Mom sex. ab. WH and we believe the girls too...)

THEY DENIED IT!! The sister (speaking for both sisters) told their Mom that "nothing happened" and they are sure why WH would say these things!!!???!!! I know it happened, it all came out in my dining room years ago after the sisters had a little wine... it was all very emotional and very REAL! Also, WH has no doubt w/ certain vivid memories like the incest porn and the sex. ab. fr/ his Mom!!

Now of course WH is very dejected, scared, angry confused. He called one and "told her off" so now his father and at least (if not both) sister has disowned him. And he really has no good R w/ his Mom cause of the abuse and the fact she is nuts!

Add to this he has had another A, about destroyed the lives of his W and three children, he is about to loose his business that he has worked on building for so long because #1 he had an A w/ a woman that works in the same building and is hurting his integrity and #2 he has a back injury that is making it nearly impossible to work. If he isn't working than there is no business!

Now throw in there the daily pain that is not responding to pain medication, epidural injections, steroids or anything else and will probably mean surgery.... <SIGH> WH is nearly suicidal and I am so worried!!!

Today he even said something about moving.... never talked about that seriously before.... I am an RN and can go anywhere, but I just don't want him to do it for the wrong reasons!

I am about wiped out!!!

I am so lsot and confused... he slept here agin last night, and keeps making little comments like my FH is in there somewhere!

He has been miserable, sick and in pain and very foggy (but medicine induced, I believe) I awake and he is gone...I call him and he is on a bridge driving across town to get his hair cut?! The wholetime he is whining and whimpering about having so much pain...saying he is frustrated he can't work... but in the next breath saying he HAS to go pay his rent! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

See, I have had 0 support finanically from him for awhile, but even less since he moved out. He bounced the check to the daycare and on his car payment (now three months behind) yet he can go make his February rent on an office he isn't even using and concievably can lose very soon d/t this back injury! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

The car (he drives) is in both our names, he could not get it w/o my credit and income... but I told him he was responsible for keeping up with that ONE THING! Well I get a call at work yesterday from the collector, saying they are going to repo his car and garnish both our wages!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> He doesn't have any wages... I tried to tell her we were separated and he is supposed to be responsible for the vehicle, but she said I will garnsih your wages...!!!! WTH!! I called and asked him to call her which (of course) he did not!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Feel like I keep getting the shaft here! I have to work to maintain a home for my kids, and unless I want to end up paying for a repo'd car that I don't even drive, I must make his car paymnet so he can pay rent on an office that he isn't even using!!!!! I want to turn on some major LBs right now cause I am so tired of this, I really am!!!

Orchid I would tell them to come take the car. Your WH is not thinking right and probably should not be driving with his medications he is on anyway. I would tell him to close the store. Cut your looses -tell him to get state help for himself. Call a lawer about the car bill. This is so hard when you love someone so much and you can't stop them from themselves. I am so sorry for you. Let OW take care of him - I wouldn't let him back in your bed until I knew he was over with the OW. You really need to take care of you and only you and your childrens. Please start listening to what others tell you.

well he is over the OW as far as I can tell right now. He has been here 95% of the time all week, he has not been working and I checked his and the home phones... NC.

I can take the car, but he will be w/o transportation and I would have two car payemtns! I agree he should NOT be driving, but one of the issues is control so I am trying to let go some there! Let him take his lumps, but I am going down w/ him on that darned car, regardless.


I agree he needs to take care of me and our children, but w/ no income and an injury preventing him from doing much of anything right now, that is not possible! Plus, I cannot make him do anything, that I am learning!

I just don't know what I am supposed to do! But trust me, if I had any indication he was still in C w/ OW than it really wouldn't matter! He is not, he is trying..so I am too.

Well I spent most of the day w/ WH today. Later in the afternoon he was feeling pretty sick and we ended up in the ER (3rd time in just over a month!!) He has prostatitis!!?? They gave him antibiotics. I came home and looked it up and it can be caused by STD's but often is not... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Told him he had to get checked...

Also spent alot of time talking calmly and rationally about our M and the A... I told him I have such a hard time with this OW, she is truly fat and unattractive, and I am... well, not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I am overweight, but I am not ugly, and I am very intelligent, kind, loving, empathetic, driven and have so much to give!! (had to toot my horn some today, cause I realize I am so much better a person than OW or WH!) He agreed...

Gave me details about the A (I asked for them).... told me he had to keep telling himself to "not look" at her belly when they had <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> sex!!! (I had asked what he thought after he looked over and said something about the "fat chick" in the car next to us and I remarked she was smaller than OW!) He told me how it started... that she told him she wanted to "use him for sex" cause she was having problems w/ her BF (the other MM) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> That a week later when the "timing was right" he went to her house and did it... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> He said he knew going into it that it was wrong, but he did it anyway and that bothers him the most! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

He said he never has stopped loving me and I am still his best friend... but he is not usre if he can stay M to me cause he keeps hurting me and I "deserve better"... I said, than do better (told him it is a cop-out!) Told him I was sad he doesn't wear his wedding ring anymore... he kept telling me he was sorry...still not sure what that is supposed to mean, all I hear is "I'm sorry BUT..."

He is in our bed for the third night in a row... but he still has not moved back in the house. His CPAP and meds, etc are still in the trailer... I am very frustrated, not sure if I am being played or what! Monday is 18 yrs to the day we met... he reminded me!

Not sure what I am doing, not wanting to be used, not wanting to be hurt more, but alsp wnat my H back... a "new and improved" version!

Hi MS,

I'm not familiar with your story, but from what you've told us in your last post, it appears that your H might be coming around a bit...

Accept your H's words at face value, don't agree or disagree with what he says... Wait and see if his actions match his words... If they do, and his actions continue to match his words over a long period of time, I think that you'll be able to start giving a little bit of your trust back to your H.

Right now, it's his job to earn your trust... Are you guys in MC?

Semper Fi,
RIF

Yes, once a week now... 5th session is Wed.

We are seeing a Christian MC, he has talked to our pastor a couple of times, too and expresses interest in Promise Keepers... though he wasn't made the meeting yet! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Ling story short on the background, found MB after 1st A d-da

Yes, once a week now... 5th session is Wed.

We are seeing a Christian MC, he has talked to our pastor a couple of times, too and expresses interest in Promise Keepers... though he wasn't made the meeting yet! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Long story short on the background, found MB after 1st A d-day and thought we had recovered just to have a new A happen last month! WH is a survivor of CSA that he is just confronting. I am too, but known for alot longer. WH broke his back 7 years ago and roles reversed never to go back... a root to alot of this I am sure.. now he is herniated again and we are struggling all around! Ooh Rah! Yep, WH was a Marine, too... OK, "once a Marine, always a Marine"! As my late grandaddy would say (he did 30 yrs!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

think I am really on the cusp of something big...

Lots of true talk, WH even asked about MB and I shared some posts...

Trying to avoid pushing it, going too far, making any mistakes... Help!