I am a wreck. I don't post often but could really use some suggestions. My H is a sexual addict who now claims to be clean. He is also a verbal abuser. Just finished reading The verbally abusive relationship and survivior stories by Patricia Evans. Very enlightening. I am shocked.

We have been in counseling for a year after a 6 month seperation. My we have tried MC but H is verbally abusive after so we are still in IC weekly.

Last week H wanted sex and I was sick and for the first time in months said I didn't want to. He kept on, I turned away, he got on top and asked me if I wanted him to stop, I clearly said YES and thats when he pushed on. (hard to write about this) I haven't been sexual with him since and he stays up late mastubating every night. TMI? Sorry. I want you to get the idea. This has happened a couple of times before when he used more force. I dind't fight because the kids were up and in the next room. He was upset that I didn't enjoy it.

When I asked him why he did that when I said I wanted him to stop he said "I didn't hear you"
Then he is sweet as can be, calls me his sleeping beauty and brings me coffee etc for the next few days.

I asked my counselor if I was missing something in his recovery because I am working hard and I don't see him doing anything except his first SA meeting this week. My counselor told me he isn't beaking a sweat in his work towards recovery.

I have an appointment with an attorney next week. I am sick and scared. I have 3 dependant children at home as well as my adult daughter and granddaughter. I feel like if I file I am giving up and breaking upmy family. I have a huge list of all the work I have done, including support through church.

My friend asked me if I really thought I had the one problem God couldn't fix? Another told me she gets very sad when she sees people leave before they give God time to work.

This is certainly the condensed version but should be enough info. to get the help started. Am I dumb for staying as long as I have (20 yrs)? I can't tell you how sick I feel. I will check back in later today.

Hello Living-a-lie,

I usually go back and read all the posts from people I don't know but in this case I am just responding to this one topic.

I have to say based on what you mentioned,that what you went through was horrible.If your WH forced you to have sex when you clearly said YES,that you wanted to STOP then that is rape.Married or not he had not right to force you into this.And it sounds like this has happened before and you didn't report it because the kids were near by.This is NOT the way to be treated and sends a very bad message that it's ok for your WH to treat you this way.

Filing for a D after all that your WH has put you through and all the work you have done will NOT be your fault if the family dynamic changes.Your WH is clearly the one with the major problems from what you said.I appreciate that you both are in counseling and only you can decide when you have had enough but don't add GUILT to your overburdened mind.NO ONE would expect you to continue to stay in an abusive marriage,sexually,verbally,physically or mentally,etc.

Like Dr.Phil states," I would rather be healthy and alone than sick and with someone".You decide when that time comes,not other's.You decide if you want to keep on with counseling and if there is any benefit.You also have to accept that counseling doesn't always heal people.God doesn't always "fix" people(unless they find Him) but he does give YOU the strength to know when to protect yourself and the ability to make healthy choices for your life.

O

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 11:37 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thanks for your reply Octobergirl. I am not so innocent in all of this and did turn to another man for comfort. I think that is why I have so much guilt. (No sex but an EA for sure)

Could it be that after I confessed of my affair 16 yrs ago that he is still angry and trying to make a point?

He has had several affairs that I know of. I don't feel like mine was out of revenge (yrs ago) but it did follow his first one.

He actually sent me to om after telling me he didn't want to hear about my work or the pain I was suffering at the time (I had just been with a baby that died from abuse) om was also part of the situation. H told me to never discuss my work with him again and said to call om who was just a friend at the time because he had also been there and would understand. I told him I wanted to be with him and he told me to leave him alone.

H was in another A at that time I just didn't know it then. No excuses for my choice. What I did was wrong. My recent contact was wrong. I should never turn to someone else for comfort. KICK.....KICK........

lal,

Having an EA of your own 16 YEARS ago does not and should not preclude you from having a healthy and fulfiling marriage that is safe and secure.Yes you made a mistake all those years ago but that doesn't give your WH carte blanche to treat you this way NOW.You both have cheated on each other as you mentioned but your WH is a serial cheater,abuser,and has major issues with sexual dysfunction.

I don't know when you disclosed that you had an A but it doesn't mean you go back and forth one upping each other in the adultery department.Your WH has been unfaithful more than once and frankly,he sounds very messed up.Don't keep kicking yourself for what you did.We all have the capacity to change for the better from our mistakes.Even I would believe my WH has the chance to be a better person too if he put forth all the work necessary to prevent it from happening again.Your WH hasn't learned any valuable lessons about himself or marriage from what I can gather.

The point is,you are NOW trying to better yourself,seek professional help and trying to make things better.Your WH,is trying too HOWEVER,trying doesn't equal doing.If he doesn't implement any new changes that are beneficial to the marriage and for himself,nothing will change.Some people don't want to change,some are too sick to truly get free of their addictions.We see it all the time on the news,especially about drugs.They have to really want it.

What is this "recent contact" you mentioned? What makes you think that your WH is really "clean" of his addiction? Do you believe him? How has he shown this to be true?

O

Hi Octobergirl
The recent contact has been phone most of the time. Did see him once but no sex. No longer, however. I have my hands full and would only complicate things by getting involved with a third party. Extreemly poor judgement on my part. Our relationship was never a romantic one but very close none the less. EA was recent, PA 16 yrs ago.

No I don't believe my H has his addiction under control. I just now discovered that he has disabled the cookies on our computer, also missing is the recently viewed documents under his name.

His anger is getting worse. He is never satisified. Our counselor told me to keep doing my work as I am getting stronger. He has periods of unaccounted for time. It is easy for him due to his job.

I find myself a bit nervous and jumpy when he is around.