I posted her before but we are still having problems and I am still in need of advice.
Okay here goes.My husband and I have been married for 7 seven years with one child.We have been together 12 years,since we were 16.He is currently deployed to Afghanistan with the military.This started in December.He had been talking to this girl over yahoo and wanted to leave me,we went back and forth but decided to stay together,then he broke it off with me saying he wanted a divorce.We went through this a few times and as of now we are seperated.This girl has broken things off with him giving the reason as she didn't want to get him in trouble because I decided to involve the army.He is trying to win her back.He says that he has fallen out of love with me.I keep trying to convince him to try to make this marriage work.The funny thing is that as of the beginning of november we were going to try for another baby.He wrote me great letters before this started saying he was sorry for all the things he has done to hurt me.He hasn't talked to any of our friends or his family exept his dad.He is driving away everyone who loves him and I am emotionally drained.He has aggreed to stay married under the rules that he lives with his friend not me,he gets our daughter whenever he wants,he gets to date,and we don't have sex.I told him no.I told him my rules were we live together though not in the same room,and he does not date much less move this internet women over there with him.I haven't gotten a reply yet.My question is do I hang in there in case this has something to do with what he has seen and done over there or do I leave.I love this man and am willing to do whatever it takes to stay with him for me as well as my daughter,am I crazy?Recently he sais he would give me two months after he got back to go seek help.He was mean about it,he said if that is what it takes to convince me he doesn't love me then that is what he will do.His mind changes from day to day though so I'm not sure he will even stay that long.He told our good friend that he don't love me too but I just find this so hard to believe considering the letters he wrote.Could it be that he thinks he's not good enough for us and this is a way to get us to leave?He told me in his letters that I should leave him for all the terrible things he has done to me.I am seeking help of a marriage concelor on tuesday.I want this to work but I'm not so sure he does.Any advice will be helpful.
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Hi,

Sorry you are dealing with this. Do you have an MC or IC you are working with? Please read the books: Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs (both by Dr. W. Harley) and Love must be tough by James Dobson. Read the concepts section above and take the EN questionnaire once as yourself and once as your H.

Your H is vacilating between being a WS and an H. That's good news. AS long as he remains uncommited to the WS part, there is hope. Don't let his anger and fog babble distract you. You concetrate on getting a handle on this by improving/strengthening yourself. You will have a lot more to deal with when he returns depending on his mental/emotional condition.

Also, there maybe an MBer or 2 out his way. I will ask RIF. Have you joined a local family's group in your area?

take care and keep posting.

L.

I am going see a mc on tuesday.Main problem is he says he don't love me.All this has happened since November,he says he has physically cheated twice,once after our daughter was born,the second right before he left.He is still emailing this other women though they are not together but she replys.I have asked him to stop but he says he still has deep feelings for her.When he agreed to two months of trying to work things out he said no sex.He doesn't want to start his life with her full of lies.Funny how he should have thought this way about us.I'm hanging in there as hard as it is and I will be waiting there when he gets off that plane.It will be so hard too to look at him and knowing he did and said those things to me.

He is talking out of his azz. Stay clear of what spews from his mouth. What you need to protect are you and your child. Fixing him is not something within your control.

Secure your finances and love your child. She will be your support and pillar keeping your family alive. Work on you. Then you w/b strong enough to handle his crap upon his return, should he still have his head up the wrong end. Sorry for such harsh descriptions.

take care,
L.

Hi Daisy-Marie,

Welcome to MB! I've been in Afghanistan since April of last year and will be leaving this coming April.

Orchid and the others have given you some great advice... Please read all of the articles here on the MB website and get a copy of His Needs/Her Needs, and Surviving an Affair...

Have you contacted your family support group or the Chaplain? I'm making the assumption that you are back in Hawaii with your daughter... if so, then there are some great Chaplians with the 25th ID... one of my good Chaplain friends left here in January and is back in Hawaii right now...

Please let us know if you have any specific questions that we can help you with...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Daisy-Marie,

Where are you located? Did RIF think you were in Hawaii? If you are, I am also. Let me know.

RIF, is there a way you can help her from your strategic point?

L.

Hey Orchid,

The majority of troops over here are with the 25th ID and they're stationed in Hawaii... That's just a guess on my part...

I think the 'best' route for Daisy-Marie to take would be to contact one of the Chaplains from her H's unit, or the family support group... They will know who to contact in her H's chain of command and then they can take the appropriate actions.

Semper Fi,
RIF

Yes I am over here in Hawaii.I just got back a week sgo.I have went to the unit and the chaplin.Not much help either place because he's not really cheating.Going to see a mc on tuesday.Orchaid,if you live here I would love to talk with you.My email is daisey_marie2002@yahoo.com I'm going to try talking to a different chaplin and get myself and my daughter involved in the church.I just feel so helpless because things were good up till December.He told me he cheated twice while we were over here,once when my daughter was born and right before he left.I never had a clue.I guess I trusted him too much and gave him too much freedom.I'm just hoping this mc can help us.I know we can go on from here but I don't think he does.Thanks for all the advice.

Hi Daisy-M,

I hope that you can get in touch with Orchid...

Not sure what unit your H is with, but if you let his Chaplain know that YOU and your daughter are having difficulties because of his A's, then they will help you... They can't really do anything for your H right now, but at least the chain of command will be aware of the problem when he re-deployes later this year...

Semper Fi,
RIF

RIF
Yeah I told the co and I guess the other people there could here what was being said and one went back to thier wife and told her and she told someone and so and so on till it got back to my husband.When it reached him they said that I was going to take him for everything he had,and ruin his career.I never sais that I would walk away first.I never told the co this got back to him but maybe I should so he can at least say something to his soldiers.I guess my husband believed me but not too sure.I don't want to give out his unit on here I'm sure you understand why.Thank you for replying it does help to have that point of veiw.Is it possible that this is related to combact stress?I have thought about that,this isn't like my husband.He doesn't even have any pics of me or my little girl hung up,just one of him and her in a frame.Also no artwork displayed like he used to.He's also using protein powder but I don't think that will have any effect.He is working out a lot and barely eating too.I guess he's getting ready so the women will be more attracted to him when we are finally over.He says he's not in love with me but can't tell me why.Leave was really bad cause his dad(who i don't get along with)was here and my momma was here.He said that was the breaking point yet we were going to have a son and when he went back he said to our friend how good things were going.That's why I'm so confused.Is all hope lost?

Hey Daisy-M,

I understand that this is all very confusing for you right now... but to answer your question: No, I don't think that all hope is lost! Not by a long shot! Deployments are very stressful on even the best of families... and they are even tougher when there is some friction before the deployment.

I'm sorry that the rumor mill has taken hold... things like this are hard enough to deal with without lots of rumors flying around. I would try to talk with his commander and let him know that you still want to work on the M... and ask the commander to talk with your H and inform him of your desires once they re-deploy.

With so many different stories flying about, it's best if the chain of command hears the "real" story directly from you. Once they know what the facts are, they will be in a better position to help both of you out.

Unless your H is in one of the Infantry Bn's then I don't expect that he's under much "combat stress". I'm not saying that he's not under stress, but the marjority of the troops over here are support troops... and your comments of him spending lots of time at the gym lead me to believe that he's at one of the larger bases here (Bagram or Kandahar)... so I wouldn't worry too much about the combat stress. Now if he's out there shooting bad guys, then yes, he might likely have some combat stress.

I'd like to ask you a few questions so that I can better answer you in the future...

I'm guessing that you and your H are in your mid to late 20's and that your daughter is under 6 years old... is that correct?

How long have you and your H been in the Army together?

Is this your H's first deployment or is this your first deployment together or both?

Again, I don't believe that your situation is hopeless at all... try not to take what your H is saying to you right now to heart...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Daisy,

U have mail!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

RIF,
Thanks for your help.

Aloha,
L.

RIF
To answer your questions the CO knows the whole story already,that is how the rumors got started with one person overhearing it.My husband is in in infantry unit there and is not at one of the main bases.I'm not sure I want to say which one here but it's not a big one,they just set up phones and computers.I am 28 and so is me,our daughter is 2.We have been in the army 5 years and this is not our first deployment.He went to KOrea 3 years ago and we almost divorced there.It is a long story but I told him I cheated even though I didn't.At the time I thought that was best because I almost did.We stayed together but I never told him the truth until all this started.Of course he doesn't believe me.At the time he was having a hard time dealing with Korea and before he left things were not so great.I made the wrong kind of friends and it went downhill from there.I've always been a confident person even though he has called me fat and put me down many times.He didn't like a lot of things about me so I am working to change them,like losing weight.He can be really mean to me and I have threatened to leave him many times but the truth is I love him too much.He has had trouble dealing with my daughter,she cryed for the first four months cause she had colic,he never helped me and I was stressed.No wonder I wasn't giving him the things he needed.As for recently on leave he made me feel as if he was there to see his dad not me or Kirsten.We didn't have time for us till he left which was four days before my husband.We fought the whole time,I was jealous.I wish I would have tryed working on things instead of picking fights but I was stressed trying to make everything perfect and my mom just got out of the hospital and was here with me,and I just forgot to relax and enjoy him.I wish I could do it all over.Anyway that's a little more on me.Thanks for the help.

Hey Daisy-M,

Thanks for filling us in a bit more. I hope that you've had a chance to read some of the articles here on the MB website... If you have, I'll bet that you can already pick out some things that you and your H have been through that will definitely put a strain on ANY marriage.

Again, I don't think that all hope is lost... You and your H have a lot of baggage that you both need to work through... It's going to be almost impossible for you guys to do that while he's deployed... but there are some things that you can do that will hopefully put the ball in his court and make you into a more attractive wife...

Try not to discuss relationship issues when he calls... If your phone time is like mine, it's usually so staticy (now there's a new word!) that it's hard to hear, or you get cut off in mid sentance. Try to be upbeat and tell him what you and your daughter are doing... If he tries to pick a fight with you, don't take the bait, say something like "That's nice honey, I love you too..."

Try to be as upbeat as you can when you e-mail him as well... It's really hard to argue over the e-mail... (My W and I tried on my Kosovo deployment and it just doesn't work! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) It's so easy to "read into" an e-mail... so if you get an e-mail and have the urge to fire back a flamer... I'd recommend writing your letter/e-mail on paper or the computer, but don't send it for 24 hours... give yourself some time to cool off before you hit that send button! I can't tell you how many times I had to eat crow because I sent a flamer right back at my W... and then found out that what I thought wasn't really the way it was after all.

Have you gotten a copy of His Needs/Her Needs yet? I think you'll find some good pointers in there that will help you...

Oh, and BTW, thank you for YOURs and your daughter's sacrifices for our great nation... Without our loving spouses back home, our jobs over here would be just that much harder...

Semper Fi,
RIF

I'm trying hard not to discuss the relationship but how can I do that when I still haven't convinced him to let me back into his heart?He says that seeing a mc won't help,I asked him to stop living in the past and live for what could be.I told him to try saying that instead of we can't work things out say that maybe there is a slim chance we can.I asked him if he meant all those things he said in earlier letters and he said yes.Then I asked how he could feel so different in just a few months he said he has changed.He said he has shut me out of his heart to which I said please open up and let me back in.He says I want to stay just because I'm afaird of being alone,I told him I'll never be alone,I have a daughter who adores me,it's you who be alone.He says well I meant without a man I told him I don't need to be with someone to make me happy,I have the light of my life and I'm just sorry he can't love her more.I told him he was a good daddy just not thinking of her best interests right now.He also has family issues from his past and his dad is always in our relationship.He says we are two grown people who don't need the help of someone else to solve our problems.I'm trying to convince we do.Somedays I feel as all hope is lost others I feel okay.If I didn't have my daughter I think I would have had a nervous breakdown by now.She keeps me going when there is nothing there to be hopeful for.Anyway thanks again for listening.

Daisy,

Just a couple of suggestions:

1. Right now is not the time to teach him about how t/b a good H. He is a WS.

2. He is not being a good H or father as long as he is a WS. Don't give him credit for that.

3. You need to show you have worked on you. Show yourself t/b valuable. You have an added obstacle of his being far away. But that in itself is not a complete obstacle. You can still show your self improvements just in a more creative method.

Did you get my e-mail? I am home this morning. Give me a call, when you can.

Aloha,
LeAnne

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong> You need to show you have worked on you. Show yourself t/b valuable. You have an added obstacle of his being far away. But that in itself is not a complete obstacle. You can still show your self improvements just in a more creative method. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey Daisy-M,

This is excatly what I was trying to say... Your phone and e-mail time will always be precious, so use it wisely. If you show your H that you are working on yourself and that you are strong and confident, then that will be much more appealing to him than if you are angry and bitter, or clingy and needy...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Well so far no call or email so no chance to put this plan into action.I'm so afaird of him coming home too because right now I know he can't see this other girl(he still emails her though they are not together).When he gets back he has three weeks leave and his plan is to go home and see family durning this time.He is going to Tennessee(which is where she lives).He has promised before when they were together that he would go see her.He will be here seven days then he will leave for three weeks.My daughter isn't going to understand this.I've tryed asking him how can he leave out daughter and he says he can take her with him,I will not allow this however.I don't think he is capable of caring for her.He doesn't put her needs first sometimes.I'm not sure if we can go see the mc in that time before he leaves again because there will be all kinds of briefings set up.How am I supposed to that and how am I supposed to tell my daughter?I'm not even sure how things got this bad to begin with.Tomorrow is our anniversary.Seven years with nothing to celebrate.

DM,

In our talk yesterday, I asked you work on you. Your daughter is quite young yet. She doesn't even have a real R with her dad. He has been away a good percentage of her life.

You work on you and pratice so that when he calls you can stick to your plan. Talk about the child, family business and no R, recovery or M talk. Talk about your improvements, but don't teach him anything.

Why? Becaus he is a WS. If you don't stick to this plan, he will hurt you more and you will get very depressed.

Now create a plan to help you and your baby succeed. Value and respect yourself. You can't fix the A. Not now, not yet. ok?

L.

Hi Daisy,
My H has been in AFG since May. It is hard to maintain a marriage during deployment, even with committed partners.

I've read through your posts a couple times and I can't quite piece it together, you say:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All this has happened since November,he says he has physically cheated twice,once after our daughter was born,the second right before he left.He is still emailing this other women though they are not together but she replys. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have went to the unit and the chaplin.Not much help either place because he's not really cheating. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is the yahoo/email girl the same one he had sex with right before he left, or a new OW?

Because if it is the same girl, then he has cheated with her.

Also, your H says that he doesn't think you want to be alone, yet he apparently is the one who cheats. I think he is the needy one who can't be alone.

Did you ever clear up the fact that you didn't have a physical affair while he was in Korea? In any case you planted doubts about your fidelity...things like hanging out with badly behaved friends, flirting/whatever you did, then threatening to leave him intermixed with his cheating has set up an unhealthy state of marriage.

Right now, all you have to work with are emails, phone calls, and care packages. Use all of them positively. No lovebusters when you talk or email. Send him stuff that he loves.

I send my H his favorite gum, pop tarts, flavored creamer, specialty coffee, even Hormel Chili...I don't have any idea what your H's favorites are, but even on the bigger bases the food is repetitive, I can't imagine it gets better on the smaller ones.

I know we aren't supposed to add to the soldier's possessions, but I sent my H one of those small squish pillows, drenched in my cologne.

And, when he comes home for his leave, you do have 7 days. I'm not sure why he has briefings during leave, my H didn't, but I suppose missions vary enough that conditions may be different in different places (No Hawaii connection here).

I do have one thought about his emailing this OW, and maybe RIF can speak to this...your H is using government property to arrange an extra-marital affair. I suspect there are rules against that?

I don't know what military facilities you have available to you, but online you have access to militaryonesource.com which offers a help line and other resources.

If you have counseling available to you, utilize it, whether your H will go with you during his leave or not.

And do take care of yourself, if begin exercising if you don't already. Even if you don't lose pounds, exercise itself will help you manage your stress.

And...Happy Anniversary tomorrow, may you have many more happier anniversaries.