Husband in afghanistan having affair over internet

I posted her before but we are still having problems and I am still in need of advice.
Okay here goes.My husband and I have been married for 7 seven years with one child.We have been together 12 years,since we were 16.He is currently deployed to Afghanistan with the military.This started in December.He had been talking to this girl over yahoo and wanted to leave me,we went back and forth but decided to stay together,then he broke it off with me saying he wanted a divorce.We went through this a few times and as of now we are seperated.This girl has broken things off with him giving the reason as she didn't want to get him in trouble because I decided to involve the army.He is trying to win her back.He says that he has fallen out of love with me.I keep trying to convince him to try to make this marriage work.The funny thing is that as of the beginning of november we were going to try for another baby.He wrote me great letters before this started saying he was sorry for all the things he has done to hurt me.He hasn't talked to any of our friends or his family exept his dad.He is driving away everyone who loves him and I am emotionally drained.He has aggreed to stay married under the rules that he lives with his friend not me,he gets our daughter whenever he wants,he gets to date,and we don't have sex.I told him no.I told him my rules were we live together though not in the same room,and he does not date much less move this internet women over there with him.I haven't gotten a reply yet.My question is do I hang in there in case this has something to do with what he has seen and done over there or do I leave.I love this man and am willing to do whatever it takes to stay with him for me as well as my daughter,am I crazy?Recently he sais he would give me two months after he got back to go seek help.He was mean about it,he said if that is what it takes to convince me he doesn't love me then that is what he will do.His mind changes from day to day though so I'm not sure he will even stay that long.He told our good friend that he don't love me too but I just find this so hard to believe considering the letters he wrote.Could it be that he thinks he's not good enough for us and this is a way to get us to leave?He told me in his letters that I should leave him for all the terrible things he has done to me.I am seeking help of a marriage concelor on tuesday.I want this to work but I'm not so sure he does.Any advice will be helpful.
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Hi,

Sorry you are dealing with this. Do you have an MC or IC you are working with? Please read the books: Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs (both by Dr. W. Harley) and Love must be tough by James Dobson. Read the concepts section above and take the EN questionnaire once as yourself and once as your H.

Your H is vacilating between being a WS and an H. That's good news. AS long as he remains uncommited to the WS part, there is hope. Don't let his anger and fog babble distract you. You concetrate on getting a handle on this by improving/strengthening yourself. You will have a lot more to deal with when he returns depending on his mental/emotional condition.

Also, there maybe an MBer or 2 out his way. I will ask RIF. Have you joined a local family's group in your area?

take care and keep posting.

L.

I am going see a mc on tuesday.Main problem is he says he don't love me.All this has happened since November,he says he has physically cheated twice,once after our daughter was born,the second right before he left.He is still emailing this other women though they are not together but she replys.I have asked him to stop but he says he still has deep feelings for her.When he agreed to two months of trying to work things out he said no sex.He doesn't want to start his life with her full of lies.Funny how he should have thought this way about us.I'm hanging in there as hard as it is and I will be waiting there when he gets off that plane.It will be so hard too to look at him and knowing he did and said those things to me.

He is talking out of his azz. Stay clear of what spews from his mouth. What you need to protect are you and your child. Fixing him is not something within your control.

Secure your finances and love your child. She will be your support and pillar keeping your family alive. Work on you. Then you w/b strong enough to handle his crap upon his return, should he still have his head up the wrong end. Sorry for such harsh descriptions.

take care,
L.

Hi Daisy-Marie,

Welcome to MB! I've been in Afghanistan since April of last year and will be leaving this coming April.

Orchid and the others have given you some great advice... Please read all of the articles here on the MB website and get a copy of His Needs/Her Needs, and Surviving an Affair...

Have you contacted your family support group or the Chaplain? I'm making the assumption that you are back in Hawaii with your daughter... if so, then there are some great Chaplians with the 25th ID... one of my good Chaplain friends left here in January and is back in Hawaii right now...

Please let us know if you have any specific questions that we can help you with...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Daisy-Marie,

Where are you located? Did RIF think you were in Hawaii? If you are, I am also. Let me know.

RIF, is there a way you can help her from your strategic point?

L.

Hey Orchid,

The majority of troops over here are with the 25th ID and they're stationed in Hawaii... That's just a guess on my part...

I think the 'best' route for Daisy-Marie to take would be to contact one of the Chaplains from her H's unit, or the family support group... They will know who to contact in her H's chain of command and then they can take the appropriate actions.

Semper Fi,
RIF

Yes I am over here in Hawaii.I just got back a week sgo.I have went to the unit and the chaplin.Not much help either place because he's not really cheating.Going to see a mc on tuesday.Orchaid,if you live here I would love to talk with you.My email is daisey_marie2002@yahoo.com I'm going to try talking to a different chaplin and get myself and my daughter involved in the church.I just feel so helpless because things were good up till December.He told me he cheated twice while we were over here,once when my daughter was born and right before he left.I never had a clue.I guess I trusted him too much and gave him too much freedom.I'm just hoping this mc can help us.I know we can go on from here but I don't think he does.Thanks for all the advice.

Hi Daisy-M,

I hope that you can get in touch with Orchid...

Not sure what unit your H is with, but if you let his Chaplain know that YOU and your daughter are having difficulties because of his A's, then they will help you... They can't really do anything for your H right now, but at least the chain of command will be aware of the problem when he re-deployes later this year...

Semper Fi,
RIF

RIF
Yeah I told the co and I guess the other people there could here what was being said and one went back to thier wife and told her and she told someone and so and so on till it got back to my husband.When it reached him they said that I was going to take him for everything he had,and ruin his career.I never sais that I would walk away first.I never told the co this got back to him but maybe I should so he can at least say something to his soldiers.I guess my husband believed me but not too sure.I don't want to give out his unit on here I'm sure you understand why.Thank you for replying it does help to have that point of veiw.Is it possible that this is related to combact stress?I have thought about that,this isn't like my husband.He doesn't even have any pics of me or my little girl hung up,just one of him and her in a frame.Also no artwork displayed like he used to.He's also using protein powder but I don't think that will have any effect.He is working out a lot and barely eating too.I guess he's getting ready so the women will be more attracted to him when we are finally over.He says he's not in love with me but can't tell me why.Leave was really bad cause his dad(who i don't get along with)was here and my momma was here.He said that was the breaking point yet we were going to have a son and when he went back he said to our friend how good things were going.That's why I'm so confused.Is all hope lost?

Hey Daisy-M,

I understand that this is all very confusing for you right now... but to answer your question: No, I don't think that all hope is lost! Not by a long shot! Deployments are very stressful on even the best of families... and they are even tougher when there is some friction before the deployment.

I'm sorry that the rumor mill has taken hold... things like this are hard enough to deal with without lots of rumors flying around. I would try to talk with his commander and let him know that you still want to work on the M... and ask the commander to talk with your H and inform him of your desires once they re-deploy.

With so many different stories flying about, it's best if the chain of command hears the "real" story directly from you. Once they know what the facts are, they will be in a better position to help both of you out.

Unless your H is in one of the Infantry Bn's then I don't expect that he's under much "combat stress". I'm not saying that he's not under stress, but the marjority of the troops over here are support troops... and your comments of him spending lots of time at the gym lead me to believe that he's at one of the larger bases here (Bagram or Kandahar)... so I wouldn't worry too much about the combat stress. Now if he's out there shooting bad guys, then yes, he might likely have some combat stress.

I'd like to ask you a few questions so that I can better answer you in the future...

I'm guessing that you and your H are in your mid to late 20's and that your daughter is under 6 years old... is that correct?

How long have you and your H been in the Army together?

Is this your H's first deployment or is this your first deployment together or both?

Again, I don't believe that your situation is hopeless at all... try not to take what your H is saying to you right now to heart...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Daisy,

U have mail!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

RIF,
Thanks for your help.

Aloha,
L.

RIF
To answer your questions the CO knows the whole story already,that is how the rumors got started with one person overhearing it.My husband is in in infantry unit there and is not at one of the main bases.I'm not sure I want to say which one here but it's not a big one,they just set up phones and computers.I am 28 and so is me,our daughter is 2.We have been in the army 5 years and this is not our first deployment.He went to KOrea 3 years ago and we almost divorced there.It is a long story but I told him I cheated even though I didn't.At the time I thought that was best because I almost did.We stayed together but I never told him the truth until all this started.Of course he doesn't believe me.At the time he was having a hard time dealing with Korea and before he left things were not so great.I made the wrong kind of friends and it went downhill from there.I've always been a confident person even though he has called me fat and put me down many times.He didn't like a lot of things about me so I am working to change them,like losing weight.He can be really mean to me and I have threatened to leave him many times but the truth is I love him too much.He has had trouble dealing with my daughter,she cryed for the first four months cause she had colic,he never helped me and I was stressed.No wonder I wasn't giving him the things he needed.As for recently on leave he made me feel as if he was there to see his dad not me or Kirsten.We didn't have time for us till he left which was four days before my husband.We fought the whole time,I was jealous.I wish I would have tryed working on things instead of picking fights but I was stressed trying to make everything perfect and my mom just got out of the hospital and was here with me,and I just forgot to relax and enjoy him.I wish I could do it all over.Anyway that's a little more on me.Thanks for the help.

Hey Daisy-M,

Thanks for filling us in a bit more. I hope that you've had a chance to read some of the articles here on the MB website... If you have, I'll bet that you can already pick out some things that you and your H have been through that will definitely put a strain on ANY marriage.

Again, I don't think that all hope is lost... You and your H have a lot of baggage that you both need to work through... It's going to be almost impossible for you guys to do that while he's deployed... but there are some things that you can do that will hopefully put the ball in his court and make you into a more attractive wife...

Try not to discuss relationship issues when he calls... If your phone time is like mine, it's usually so staticy (now there's a new word!) that it's hard to hear, or you get cut off in mid sentance. Try to be upbeat and tell him what you and your daughter are doing... If he tries to pick a fight with you, don't take the bait, say something like "That's nice honey, I love you too..."

Try to be as upbeat as you can when you e-mail him as well... It's really hard to argue over the e-mail... (My W and I tried on my Kosovo deployment and it just doesn't work! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) It's so easy to "read into" an e-mail... so if you get an e-mail and have the urge to fire back a flamer... I'd recommend writing your letter/e-mail on paper or the computer, but don't send it for 24 hours... give yourself some time to cool off before you hit that send button! I can't tell you how many times I had to eat crow because I sent a flamer right back at my W... and then found out that what I thought wasn't really the way it was after all.

Have you gotten a copy of His Needs/Her Needs yet? I think you'll find some good pointers in there that will help you...

Oh, and BTW, thank you for YOURs and your daughter's sacrifices for our great nation... Without our loving spouses back home, our jobs over here would be just that much harder...

Semper Fi,
RIF

I'm trying hard not to discuss the relationship but how can I do that when I still haven't convinced him to let me back into his heart?He says that seeing a mc won't help,I asked him to stop living in the past and live for what could be.I told him to try saying that instead of we can't work things out say that maybe there is a slim chance we can.I asked him if he meant all those things he said in earlier letters and he said yes.Then I asked how he could feel so different in just a few months he said he has changed.He said he has shut me out of his heart to which I said please open up and let me back in.He says I want to stay just because I'm afaird of being alone,I told him I'll never be alone,I have a daughter who adores me,it's you who be alone.He says well I meant without a man I told him I don't need to be with someone to make me happy,I have the light of my life and I'm just sorry he can't love her more.I told him he was a good daddy just not thinking of her best interests right now.He also has family issues from his past and his dad is always in our relationship.He says we are two grown people who don't need the help of someone else to solve our problems.I'm trying to convince we do.Somedays I feel as all hope is lost others I feel okay.If I didn't have my daughter I think I would have had a nervous breakdown by now.She keeps me going when there is nothing there to be hopeful for.Anyway thanks again for listening.

Daisy,

Just a couple of suggestions:

1. Right now is not the time to teach him about how t/b a good H. He is a WS.

2. He is not being a good H or father as long as he is a WS. Don't give him credit for that.

3. You need to show you have worked on you. Show yourself t/b valuable. You have an added obstacle of his being far away. But that in itself is not a complete obstacle. You can still show your self improvements just in a more creative method.

Did you get my e-mail? I am home this morning. Give me a call, when you can.

Aloha,
LeAnne

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Orchid:
 You need to show you have worked on you. Show yourself t/b valuable. You have an added obstacle of his being far away. But that in itself is not a complete obstacle. You can still show your self improvements just in a more creative method. <hr /></blockquote>Hey Daisy-M,

This is excatly what I was trying to say... Your phone and e-mail time will always be precious, so use it wisely. If you show your H that you are working on yourself and that you are strong and confident, then that will be much more appealing to him than if you are angry and bitter, or clingy and needy...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Well so far no call or email so no chance to put this plan into action.I'm so afaird of him coming home too because right now I know he can't see this other girl(he still emails her though they are not together).When he gets back he has three weeks leave and his plan is to go home and see family durning this time.He is going to Tennessee(which is where she lives).He has promised before when they were together that he would go see her.He will be here seven days then he will leave for three weeks.My daughter isn't going to understand this.I've tryed asking him how can he leave out daughter and he says he can take her with him,I will not allow this however.I don't think he is capable of caring for her.He doesn't put her needs first sometimes.I'm not sure if we can go see the mc in that time before he leaves again because there will be all kinds of briefings set up.How am I supposed to that and how am I supposed to tell my daughter?I'm not even sure how things got this bad to begin with.Tomorrow is our anniversary.Seven years with nothing to celebrate.

DM,

In our talk yesterday, I asked you work on you. Your daughter is quite young yet. She doesn't even have a real R with her dad. He has been away a good percentage of her life.

You work on you and pratice so that when he calls you can stick to your plan. Talk about the child, family business and no R, recovery or M talk. Talk about your improvements, but don't teach him anything.

Why? Becaus he is a WS. If you don't stick to this plan, he will hurt you more and you will get very depressed.

Now create a plan to help you and your baby succeed. Value and respect yourself. You can't fix the A. Not now, not yet. ok?

L.

Hi Daisy,
My H has been in AFG since May. It is hard to maintain a marriage during deployment, even with committed partners.

I've read through your posts a couple times and I can't quite piece it together, you say:

<blockquote>quote:<hr />All this has happened since November,he says he has physically cheated twice,once after our daughter was born,the second right before he left.He is still emailing this other women though they are not together but she replys. <hr /></blockquote>Then:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />I have went to the unit and the chaplin.Not much help either place because he's not really cheating. <hr /></blockquote>Is the yahoo/email girl the same one he had sex with right before he left, or a new OW?

Because if it is the same girl, then he has cheated with her.

Also, your H says that he doesn't think you want to be alone, yet he apparently is the one who cheats. I think he is the needy one who can't be alone.

Did you ever clear up the fact that you didn't have a physical affair while he was in Korea? In any case you planted doubts about your fidelity...things like hanging out with badly behaved friends, flirting/whatever you did, then threatening to leave him intermixed with his cheating has set up an unhealthy state of marriage.

Right now, all you have to work with are emails, phone calls, and care packages. Use all of them positively. No lovebusters when you talk or email. Send him stuff that he loves.

I send my H his favorite gum, pop tarts, flavored creamer, specialty coffee, even Hormel Chili...I don't have any idea what your H's favorites are, but even on the bigger bases the food is repetitive, I can't imagine it gets better on the smaller ones.

I know we aren't supposed to add to the soldier's possessions, but I sent my H one of those small squish pillows, drenched in my cologne.

And, when he comes home for his leave, you do have 7 days. I'm not sure why he has briefings during leave, my H didn't, but I suppose missions vary enough that conditions may be different in different places (No Hawaii connection here).

I do have one thought about his emailing this OW, and maybe RIF can speak to this...your H is using government property to arrange an extra-marital affair. I suspect there are rules against that?

I don't know what military facilities you have available to you, but online you have access to militaryonesource.com which offers a help line and other resources.

If you have counseling available to you, utilize it, whether your H will go with you during his leave or not.

And do take care of yourself, if begin exercising if you don't already. Even if you don't lose pounds, exercise itself will help you manage your stress.

And...Happy Anniversary tomorrow, may you have many more happier anniversaries.

I understand and as soon as he calls I am going to try your plan.I can't help thinking of the future though.Your story is truely amazing.I can't see myself going through all that and still being sane.Right now I just live for my daughter.In the end I pray I have enough strength to do what is right for her.If somehow I don't I'm just as bad as him.I know that someday down the road he will see what he has missed out on by these things he has done.I just hope that it is in time to save this marriage and his relationship with our daughter.

Daisy,

You have and will find that inner strength. My path was very different than I anticipated. Both my H and I had discussed what would happen if either was unfaithful at the beginning of our M. 2nd chances were not an option...... yet, look what we went through. So work on strengthening yourself. This A will test you to your boundaries but never beyond. There is a wise saying that God will never allow his loyal ones to be tested beyond what they can bear and in the end he (God) will make a way out. It is based on a scripture, I can share with you next time. This thought helped me endure.

Aloha,
L.

[ February 06, 2005, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]

Lor,
This is a totally different girl,this one he has only know for three months,they were making plans to be together after only talking for 5 weeks.That is not the talk of a sane person.Like I said before we have many problems in the past and he has had many while he was growing up.Sometimes I think he resents the fact I had a wonderful childhood and he didn't.As for the army getting involed his CO talked to him yesterday,asked what was going on and asked if he was still giving me money.He replyed he was(and is)so he just told him he wasn't doing anything wrong and he's here if he wants to talk.I have a feeling I was made to look bad and he did not bring up half the stuff that's been going on.I have told him the whole Korea story but I never found the chance till all this happened.Needless to say he doesn't believe me ans for that I can't blame him.I did decieve him because I was going to sleep with this other man,at the last minute before we got to his house I seen that what I was doing wasn't right despite the things my husband said while deployed and went back home alone.He will most likely never believe me.I can't expect him to,I lied about a lot of things while he was in Korea and though it is no excuse it was because I was lonely.He took seperation very hard and took everything out on me.He said I cheated many times before this other person even came into my life.I love my husband more then anything,I always have,I just made bad choices.He can't and won't see that.He is using yahoo and government computers for his chat but the company says there is not much they can do.They can tell him not to email her but they can't check on him all the time,plus I don't want to ruin his career.He has the briefing before he goes on block leave.They have mandatory briefings then they leave.They will have 3 days off before these start though.I don't want him to go home because I'm not sure I can trust him not to see her yet he won't let us go with him.He says he is going to Tennessee to open a bank account with the money we saved but I don't think we are able to withdrawl it for three months after he gets back,that may keep him from going but I doubt it.I've even told him that his Dad can come here so he doesn't go,that's the main person he is going to see.His Dad is a whole other story though,his nose has been in our relationship from day one.Needless to say we don't get along.Anyway I am really going to try to follow the advice I have gotten here,he will most likely call tomorrow since it is our anniversary,I was thinking of scanning some of our wedding pictures and emailing them to him.Not too sure though.

Orchid,
I have heard that before as a matter of fact when my husband left we were doing really bad and I told him that is God's way of making him see what he was about to lose,I told him God will never give you anything you can't handle.Things were going good till the end of November too,God was making him see what he had to lose and the things he had to do to improve it.But then she came into the picture and now instead he is thinking he is better off without me and all our problems.Before he left I almost left so many times because of things he did but I stayed because of our daughter,maybe he is starting to resent the fact that I have theatened to way out on him.Sometimes with the things he said to us there was no other way.I'm just going to try the things we talked about to the best of my abilitily.Thank you for listening.

Remember Daisy, WS' don't think with their minds. I am sure you can guess by their actions, which end they use to process their thoughts/feelings. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Steer clear of that end. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Orchid,
I need the names of the books you recommended,you forgot to email them to me.I'm going to try to go out and get them tomorrow.I started reading the one you loaned to me yesterday and so far I understand it but because of having a small child I haven't gotten very far lol.Thank you.

Ooops. Sorry. Had unexpected company for dinner and then son got sick today.

Here are the books:

Surviving an Affair - Dr W. Harley
His Needs/Her Needs - Dr. W. Harley

Love Must be Tough - Dr. James Dobson

BTW, I saw the troops from Afghanistan represented in the SuperBowl and thought of you and your family.

L.

[ February 06, 2005, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]

Orchid,
That's okay thanks for getting those to me.I heard about the guys watching the superbowl,my friend seen her husband but not the same unit.I'm not too sure if my husband is seeing it or not.I'll go get those books tomorrow.Thanks again.

Hey Daisy-M,

You've gotten some great advice! Even though your H is using a 'government' computer, soliders still have privacy rights for their personal e-mail... His CO can check the hard drive for any downloads that may be stored on the PC, but not a personal yahoo e-mail account unless an actual crime is suspected.

I agree with what LOR & Orchid have said, continue to work on yourself... when you do talk with him or e-mail him, show him your that you're changing by not dwelling on the present situation or trying to engage him in a deep relationship talk...

Here's my thoughts on his "planned trip" to TN... I suspect that your H was very hurt during his time in Korea. (I also know that you, too, were hurting then as well... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ) ...but your actions during that time (especially if he thought that you might have strayed even before he left) wounded him very deeply. I wouldn't place too much stock in this "trip"... I suspect that he's just using this as a way to punish you for hurting him during the Korea deployment...

I could be totally wrong, and he might really be planning a trip to TN... If he is, then the best thing for you to do is to try and give him a reason to NOT go... If you present yourself as clingy and needy, then most likely, that will only push him further away. If you present yourself as angry and demanding, that too, will only push him further away.

Talk with a counselor or your chaplain and ask for some specific things that you can do to try and make yourself more attractive to your H when he comes home... I can see that there is so much pain for both of you guys... and you're both chasing each other around in a circle trying to see who can hurt the other one the most...

Hang in there, and Happy Anniversary!!! My W and I just celebrated our 18th anniversary this past December <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ..... when we were deep in our troubles, I didn't think we'd make it to year 7... You and your H can work through this...

Semper Fi,
RIF

RIF,
You misunderstood my last post,he knows I didn't cheat on him before Korea he was accusing me of it before I even thought about it once he left.I feel in a way I did cheat I was thinking about it so I deserve for him to not believe me.I mean I told him I did because I figured that was easier to fix then him asking around and people saying I did.I never anything to tell them otherwise so I would fit in.I'm trying to be a caring wife and not bring up us but he does,then we get into a battle and he says it is all we ever talk about.I am also upset over the fact he doesn't want to have sex when he gets back,he feels it is not right because he loves her.Where were those morals when he was sleeping around on me?I never said that but I sure was thinking it.He just called a little while ago and started talking about him going home.He is planning to go to tennessee but he says right now he has no plans to see her.He said he would let me know if he sleeps with her,I told him to tell me before he left,that I will not stop him but he will not return to our house.I do see him leaving but I'm not sure if he will see her or not.He has it in his head that I can't control him so if he doesn't go I will be controling him.He has issues with this.He thinks I can't tell him what to do.He said he wuld take our daughter with him because I asked how he could leave her.I told him I didn't think he was capable of caring for her for three weeks alone.He asked why I told him because he complains when he has her all day.He also said he talked to his co and he says what he is doing is not wrong as long as he is giving me money.I find that hard to believe I think my husband is leaving out details,he also said the co told him I couldn't kick him out that I would have to leave,is this true?Other then that things were pleasant.I tryed talking about other things but then he had to go.I just love him so much I don't think I can bear the thought that he is going to sleep with her.They are not together but email and im alot.Both took thier pictures off thier profiles on yahoo,not sure why.Seems funny though.Well thanks again for listening.

Hey Daisy-M,

I didn't mean to imply that you did, in fact, sleep with anyone... only that the actions during his Korea deployment hurt him.

Sounds like you had a fairly good talk with him... I still think that his actions sound like someone that's wanting to 'punish' you for hurting him... I may be wrong, but I don't think that if he were really going to go and sleep with this other woman, that he'd tell you up front about it... I hope that he's just saying all of this to try and get back at you for previous comments...

You sound much better... remember, up to this point, all of his grand plans are just talk... work on making yourself as attractive as you can for him when he gets home. His decompression briefings and such will give you guys some time together before his block leave starts... use that time wisely... you can do this!

Semper Fi,
RIF

RIF
I know you were not implying anything.I also know my actions in Korea hurt him.I wish I could have handled things better but I didn't.I know he is going there but I'm not sure if he will see her.As of right now I don't think so but I'm not sure.Up until Korea I never thought of another man and since the night I turned him down I haven't but I know the damage has already been done.I have given him the permission to do things he had no need doing too.I always let him talk to women online,go to strip clubs and bars with his single friends when ever he wanted,have parties over here,go over neighbors or my friends houses when the women were the only ones there,the list could go on and on.I completely trusted him there was no doubt in my mind he was faithful.I guess I helped him find the situations where he could cheat.He also thought there was nothing wrong with this,sometimes I would even go to strip clubs with him.I thought this helped make me seem like I trusted him completely which I did.I am coming to understand that this is not the things married men belong doing.Anyway maybe things can still work out.I am holding out for it.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by daisey_marie2002:
 Anyway maybe things can still work out.I am holding out for it. <hr /></blockquote>Things can work out, but it's going to take some work from BOTH of you...

Don't just "hold out" for "it"... come up with a plan to win your H back.

Semper Fi,
RIF

Well feburary 7th has come and gone for him considering the time change and no call to say happy anniversary.Not even an ecard.He has no means of buying real cards or gifts but I at least deserve a happy anniversary.He may still call me this evening but our anniversary is over for him.He called last night and it was the 7th for him then but I was waiting till it was for both of us.No mention of it when he called.He sais he would call back later but he never does when he says that and he didn't.Right now I'm the only one involved in trying to make this thing work.Oh well.I see the mc to morrow,maybe she can help me.Just feeling really down thanks for listening.

Daisy, maybe your H is ignoring your anniv., but on ours, I had much the same thought as you are having...by noon my time the anniversary was over for my H and I hadn't heard from him at all. I sent him quite a weepy email...and as I hit send, a delivery man walked into my workplace with my present. My H wanted me to get it on the day in my time zone.

The moral to that particular story is don't get upset until you are sure he has missed it entirely! My H & I have a good relationship, 5+ years in recovery, so the weepy email wasn't an issue, he called me a goof and I agreed that I'd been over-anxious.

You say he said nothing about the anniversary, but apparently you didn't either. My best advice is to not set up small tests like that for your H to fail. That's game-playing. If he calls today, or tomorrow, wish him happy anniversary "I'm glad for the good times we've had", THEN if he's a jerk, be as angry as you want, just wait until you are OFF the phone, don't vent it on him.

You do sound sad. If you aren't on an anti-depressant, I've been having good results with St. John's Wort. It boosts my mood out of lethagy and depression.

You can't control what your husband is doing or planning, but you can take charge of your own behavior and to some extent your emotions.

I wasn't setting him up to fail it just wasn't the 7th here yet.I sent him on ecard and a im saying it since he never called me back.It just breaks my heart because things haven't been good between us but I do deserve better then this.

Sorry Daisy, I made an assumption from what you had posted that you were waiting for him to say it first.

I really didn't mean to make you feel worse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You do deserve better, no spouse deserves to be betrayed or be passed over on important days.

One of the things that took me a long time to understand was that my H's A changed our lives. During that time he wasn't going to do the things for me he should have done or had done in the past. A wayward spouse is rarely a thoughtful spouse.

So, if your H ignores your anniversary, it isn't a separate issue, but it is a part of his being an unfaithful spouse and a part of the choices he is making leading away from the marriage.

And, that is difficult under any circumstances, but the deployment makes it so you don't have any kind of easy access or feedback from him if he chooses to cut that off.

Sending him an email about the anniversary was a good thing to do. Because you do want this marriage and this is a milestone, it is honest to acknowledge that.

Okay things went so wrong to day and I never talked to my husband.The day started when I got a email that my husband picked uo his e card for our anniversary.About twenty minutes after that I got a email from the OW saying very mean things.She says they are back together and he doesn't want to work on us.I called the co of his company crying because I didn't know where else to turn.While I was on the phone with him she Imed me.I told him and told me to tell her to leave me alone.I did but she kept at it.Then her roommate started too and was threatening me if I didn't leave then alone.The co then emailed them both telling them they are to have no contact with me.The Ims stopped.By the time they did I was crying uncontrolably.The co put in a emergency call to the chaplin.He called back,listened to the whole story and basically told me to leave my marriage.I scared the hell out of my little girl today,I thought I was having a nervous breakdown!I had to take her over the neighbors house till I could get myself together.I am such a horrible mother.She was so scared,to see that look of fear on her face broke my heart.Anyway the chaplin said he didn't want to see me in the hospital three months from now because I stayed with him.I told him I didn't think it could come to that he told me you thought this would never happen either.And he was right.I'm so confused now.I told the co to tell the co over where my husband is because something has to be done I don't deserve this.I went to dinner with a friend to clear my mind before writing this,I had a good time too.I'm not sure how much of this my husband is aware of if any.Not too sure he played a role in it.I think she has his email password though because it seemed too funny the card was picked up at a time he should have been sleeping.Then the ims from her started 20 minutes later.Anyway that's my anniversary.How wonderful right?

{{{{{{{Daisy-M}}}}}}} I'm sorry that you are hurting so much right now... Is there anyone you can call and talk with? Remember, you can't control your H's actions...only your own. Don't let his bad behavior affect you or your daughter.

Do you have Orchid's number? Why don't you try and give her a call...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Its too late to call her.It is almost 12 here.I'm going to try to sleep but I dan't think I can.My daughter is having trouble sleeping too I guess because of the things she saw today.I'm not even sure what I will say if he calls tonight,maybe I should just unplug the phone,his co will tell him soon.I want to here his side too though,see if he did in fact pick up that card or if it was her.If it was he will most likely leave her because of that.I can't get my hopes up now though.I have a feeling it is over.Someone told me the devil has ahold of him and that God will protect me,I guess I need to work on trusting Him.My MC appointment is tomorrow then the shrink on thursday then the chaplin on the 21st.It is important to him that I see him,he is worried about me.I'm not thinking of doing anything to harm myself and I never will because of my daughter but he is still worried.I have to find my strenght somewhere inside of me.It's there I just need help finding it.I need that to leave him.I never want my daughter to go through that again so right now the best thing for her is for us to leave.Not sure whats best for me but that isn't important right now.I just don't understand this,he has some serious mental issues and it stems from more then combat stress.

Well it's morning here not and still no call from my husband.I guess he is going to hear her side of the story before he hears my side.Not too sure if the Co got to him yet either.I know it's just a matter of time.The longer he waits to call the less chance he will believe me.She is in his email account but he will never take my word for it.Somehow I have to show him she is.Does antone have any ideas?It's been a long night,about 5 hours of sleep,finally got my baby in bed around 12.I think she had trouble because of what went on yesterday.MC at 11.Trying to be hopeful but slowly losing hope.This is a great site but I'm finding this whole thing difficult to follow so far away.Orchid had some great things to say last night but so did the chaplin about leaving.Just really torn because of what my daughter saw yesterday.I don't want to cause her any more pain.I'm holding on to hope but there is so little to hold on to.Thank you to everyone who has helped me here.I will continue to post and let you know of my final decision when the time comes.I'm trying to let God take over but the hard part is letting go long enough.

Well he called last night and he had nothing to do with what she did.He told her it was over because she was told by him to leave me alone.He still says it is over for us though.He just wants to be left alone.I know he is talking out of anger right now but I still feel it is over.Most of the hope I once had is gone.This may be the best thing for my daughter and I but I sure don't feel like it is.I just want my husband back.Now comes the time for me to decide if I need to leave or stay.If I stay there may be a chance that he will see us and want to start over but if not and he still feels this way I will be crushed.I would like anyone's advice on this.

I just read the last few posts on this thread. I am going back to the beginning to read the whole thing though.

From what I've read so far, it sounds a bit similar to what was happening with me in the beginning.

WH deployed in Sept. 03 when I was 6 months pregnant. Everything was great at that time. On May 13th he tells me out of the blue that he wants a D. Claimed that there was no OW for a few weeks until I found out differently.

For the next two months, I kept trying to figure out what I could do from so far away. I wondered what had happened to his mind that he could do this to me and our three children...the baby was only 5 months old. I sent long heartfelt letters. I cried. I screamed. I totally fell apart.

I could do nothing and was completely powerless while he was away. Or so I thought.

Hang in there, girl. If you need someone to talk to you can email me at paulaann_hernandez@hotmail.com

I'll give you my number. Being home while your spouse is gone is hard enough. Wondering, waiting and worrying just makes it that much more difficult.

Good luck to you...I'm off to read your thread.

Daisy,

I have had a chance to reflect after our talk last night. IMHO, I don't think this is the time for you to make life changing decisions. He is talking out of anger and you are going right with them, as if it is the permanent thing.

Remember the WS' basically talk out of their azz. Not a good place to make decisions. LOL!!!

So step back, see where this takes him. Another thing is men take longer to digest stuff. He may be angry today and sorry in a couple of weeks.

You need to exercise patience. In the meantime, pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. I know it might not seem like much and right now you just want out. But tomorrow you may not, so don't make rash decisions.

E-mail Faithinme. She has been through even more than you have right now. So have others. Hang here for support.

BTW, how did your session go?

take care,
L.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by daisey_marie2002:
 Now comes the time for me to decide if I need to leave or stay.If I stay there may be a chance that he will see us and want to start over but if not and he still feels this way I will be crushed.I would like anyone's advice on this. <hr /></blockquote>I wouldn't decide right now if I were you. You will probably go back and forth between wanting to work on things and leaving him A LOT.

I remember changing my mind 3 or 4 times a day....on a good day!

First things first....

1. You need to stabilize yourself. Now, stability in this case may just be getting through the day, eating at least once, not scaring the baby and counting down each hour until you go to bed. That was stable for me the first few months.

Don't expect too much from yourself. Lean on anyone you can. Ask for and accept help. And forgive yourself for perceived weakness.

2. Enjoy your daughter. I had a 7 yr. old, 9 yr. old and 5 month old baby when this started. Honestly, I could not care for them. A friend of mine spent a lot of time with the older two in the first few weeks. The baby was my lifeline. I don't even want to think of how many times I probably scared the kids. I either couldn't stop crying, was yelling or locked myself in my room writing letters to WH.

Take a break when you can, whenever you can. Do it for you and for her. When your with her, let her soothe your soul. When we actively cherish our little ones, it's amazing how God can touch us.

3. Recognize that you can only change YOU right now. Your H is gone. Work on you. What do you like about yourself? Build on that. What do you want to change? Work on it.

When you talk to him, be the happiest you can be. It's hard... I KNOW. I didn't find MB until a few days before he came home. I wish I had.

Everytime he would say he would call and didn't, I'd freak out. It was like I was on speed or something and all I could do was stress. When he called, all I talked about was our relationship - Can we work on it? How can you do this? What about our kids? I'd go into super long talks about God and family. It did no good. He couldn't hear me.

I wish I would have found MB and talked about my day. Told him about what games I played with the kids. I wish I would have known what reverse babble was. I wish I had learned what WS's say and how typical each and every word that came out of his mouth was.

I may still have freaked out when we got off the phone. Who knows. But I believe I would have been MUCH better than I was without MB.

With your H gone, there isn't as much you can do. True. That by no means leaves you helpless. You don't need to make a decision right now.

You need to get yourself in order and set up a game plan. Confuse the hell out of him. I loved that part <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Please, if you want someone to talk to, get in touch with me. I've been there. I know what happens to you in heart, body and mind. If I can help you in any way...I would be happy to.

Good luck to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Daisy,
It's pretty typical for a WS to say they are done with the OW, but it isn't about the A, they don't want the marriage. It still tends to be about the A.

From what you relate of what he says, he doesn't sound like he's sure about anything. One day it is all her. Then he says he's ended it and it is more about him.

The bad news is he might waffle like this the whole rest of the time of his deployment, so what you need to do is anchor yourself, like Faith says, into your day, into your child, into what you can control.

Listen to what he says, but try not to let it swamp you. I used to tell myself "well that might be the truth, maybe not".

Now, years later, my H doesn't know who he was during those 2 bad years. I certainly didn't know who he was!

I don't think you need to make any decisions immediately either. What would you have done if this hadn't happened? You can probably stick with that plan if finances and other issues remain the same.

Did your counselor have any ideas for you? MBers tend to be very pro-marriage, and that's the advice you will get here. As far as you can determine, will your counselor's advice be similar?

How soon is your H's leave?

My H comes home mid May, and I've set up a list of goals/tasks that (hopefully!) fit within that timeline. This month they are back to regular exercise, taxes, de-clutterizing, and a more healthy diet tied a Lenten vow. To-do lists like that help make the time go less slowly for me.

Right now you can't convince your H of anything, except that you do love him and want to be married to him. And, even that might not always get through to him and may not be among the "up/busy" topics you talk to him about.

You will get through this.

Daisy,

Not sure if you realize this or not but you have got some real strong MBers here posting to you. Not just me. Lor, RIF & FIM are real troopers. RIF, Lor and FIM have their stripes, bars and full medals of honor. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This A stuff is worse than combat. Not often is the enemy from within, but in our cases it was right next to us. The one who became one with our very souls them split without using any type of painkiller. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So right now you are wreeking with pain. Listen to these good people and take it a step at a time. That way when you deal with him (positive or negative), regardless of his attitude, you will survive. In fact often the BS comes out for the better and more successful, while the WS is still trying to 'find themselves.' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Hey Daisy-M,

I agree 100% with the others... please don't make any major decisions right now.

Your H is making all kinds of statements, but he hasn't acted on a single statement. I know how hurt you are right now... and I also know that if your H told you that he was going to fly to the moon as soon as he got back, that you'd believe him.

How did your talk with the MC and the chaplain go?

Semper Fi,
RIF

Okay so the CO talked to my husband today.He took away all his internet time.He is no longer allowed to use the computer so husband is pissed!!!He called my house twice and my cell once looking for me.I was out at walmart with a friend.Now I do feel a bit sorry for him but he did this not me.I'm kind of glad,at least I know she is history.Told me again on the machine to get the papers he would sign them.I'm tempted to just so I get my daughter but I am following the advice I got here and waiting.
The appiontment with the MC was okay,thanks for asking.She mainly focused on me and what I was feeling.I have been bottling up my feeling for so long I'm not sure what I think or want anymore and that is what I told her.She wants me to think that over and see her next thursday.I don't see the chaplin till the 22nd.I see a shrink tomorrow,I'll let everyone know how that goes.If he calls back I will keep it pleasant but he will still be pissed over the computer thing.I even find it a little funny,poor thing.I'm not being mean I really do want this to work out but he did get what he deserved.I'm glad I found this site and you guys,maybe even if we don't make it my daughter and I will.I'm starting to slowly believe that.I feel most hope is gone but I know some how God will see my daughter and I through this.

Daisy,

1 small step at a time. That internet was addicting otherwise he wouldn't be soo pissed.

You are right, he has only himself to blame. The CO did a good thing. Glad you have him working on the right side. Don't expect the WS to be grateful right now. It will come but after he has a major attitude adjustment. LOL!!

In the meantime, you take care of you and your lovely daughter. She is a cutey and sooo full spirited. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You sound in much better focus today. See there is light at the end of this dark A tunnel. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

take care,
L.

Hey Daisy-M,

You sound much better today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm glad that you had a chance to talk with your MC and that you've got some other appointments set up.

Again, I wouldn't worry too much about what your H says to you right now. Be pleasant with him on the phone when he calls...

Ask the chaplain to help you with a plan for your family when your H returns... I'm pretty sure that he will have to go through several manditory briefings and classes before he's even allowed to go on leave... The chaplain should be able to come up with a plan for you guys, and he can also recommend to the commander that he not be allowed to go on leave until he resolves his family issues... Ask the chaplain when you meet with him...

I know that this all seems so confusing and it's tearing you up... but please be patient and don't make any major decisions right now. You're doing good... you and your daughter will be fine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

I just had the most wonderful conversation with him.He was pissed at me but he feels bad too.I think the things he said may have started getting to him.He says he is not promising me anything but has not asked me to leave.He even said that he will think about coming home from leave with his family early to go to another island.I know this isn't over and things are in no way perfect but this is a start.I'm continuing with all my appointments and I will continue to post here but I'm finally seeing that just maybe there is hope for us.He is calling the CO here tomorrow to get things straight and I'm a little worried but I never lied to him so he won't say what isn't true.I'm going to call him tomorrow and drop everything for now,tell him I'm sorry that he got involved .It will make my husband happy and I am sorry it had to come to this.My husband said he is not sure when he will call again but I hope things will go well when he calls him.I'll keep everyone posted.

[ February 10, 2005, 02:54 AM: Message edited by: daisey_marie2002 ]

Daisy,

Don't retract your statement. It is critical that the WS face his consquences. When the BS retracts, you lose credibility and this helps the WS come out in full force. Unless you want to deal with the WS instead of your H again, I strongly recommend you stand your ground.

For a example of this, read DanigirlinVA's thread. You will see how her WS has set her up for a fall over and over again. Now he is trying to get her to drop RO charges against the OW when the WS and OW showed up drunk at her house past 10:30pm. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Don't be or show you are anxious to forgive all. He is only talking right now. You need to see permanent action.

Hold steady, ok?

L.

I am not going to retract anything just tell them it was a mistake to involve the army in this even though I know it wasn't.I am going to say I never lied which I did not but that I'm sorry I bothered them with my problems.I don't want my husband losing rank over this.I know my husband is far from being back and everything is far from being okay but this is a start.I know I told the truth and I have things to back this up if need be.I will not be called a lair but I just want to forget that I involved them.I will think about what every one says to this statement since I won't talk to him till morning anyway.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by daisey_marie2002:
 I am not going to retract anything just tell them it was a mistake to involve the army in this even though I know it wasn't.<hr /></blockquote>Daisy-M - It's a common feeling that spouses (and even the service member) shouldn't involve the chain of command when they have problems. This just isn't so. Just about every Commander, 1SG, or SGM that I know of would bend over backwards to help a young family... 1) because it's the right thing to do. 2) because family stability directly impacts unit readiness and 3) because we've all been there ourselves.

Please don't feel like getting the chain of command involved was a mistake. It wasn't. You need to use every available means to fight for your marraige for yourself and for your daughter. His chain of command is there for you, please use them.

I'm so glad that you had a good talk with your H... I second what Orchid said... your H is still just "talking"... don't change your plans right now... wait until you guys are back together and then watch his actions...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Daisy, my H is a SGM and just in his section has 3 guys who have wives who have either cheated, spent all their money or both. He's doing everything he can for "his guys". I know this is the opposite of your situation, but, if he didn't know anything was wrong, he couldn't help.

You did fine.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by daisey_marie2002:
 I am not going to retract anything just tell them it was a mistake to involve the army in this even though I know it wasn't.

You're right! It wasn't a mistake..don't tell them that. You will lose credibility and you may very well need to talk with them again at some point. Your H seems to be coming around slowly. Or, he could be playing damage control. Or, he could change his mind tomorrow. Trust me, a WS can and will change directions without warning...especially in the beginning.

I am going to say I never lied which I did not but that I'm sorry I bothered them with my problems.

You didn't "bother them". I was told by my WH's commander that they get quite a bit of training in dealing with this type of situation. There is a reason for that. RIF pointed out the reasons for that and they are very important reasons! Going to the CO and saying your sorry you bothered them could weaken your position.

 but I just want to forget that I involved them. 

Why in the world would you do that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> The biggest tool to your H's A has been taken away!! Yippee! Why is it gone? Why is he acting this way right now? Because YOU did the RIGHT thing. Your first job, before you can even dream of working on any issue as a married couple, is ending any A. You took a step to help that happen.

I'm proud of you! Don't forget it. So, he's mad. I totally understand that. I was scared to death that my WH would lose rank, lose money, hate me forever for what I did, blah blah.

You did something VERY important and courageous to protect your family AND your H. He's not making very intelligent decisions right now. Who knows how much deeper he would have gotten into the A without your intervention. Hell, you may have SAVED his career!

The point is...just really consider what the message you are sending out if you say the things you listed. If you want to let the situation lie low, maybe tell the CO

Thank you for dealing with this situation so quickly. I appreciate your understanding and leadership. I've talked with my H and the lines of communication for us seem to suddenly have a chance of opening up. I can only assume that is in part thanks to you. Thank you. My sincere hope is that this is a turning point for both of us.

You've thanked him, let him know there is change in your H's attitude (NOT behaviour) and that there is hope. I'd leave it at that in case you need anything in the future.

Whatever you do though, good luck and we are all pulling for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
<hr /></blockquote>FIM

Orchid <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <blockquote>quote:<hr />Lor, RIF & FIM are real troopers. RIF, Lor and FIM have their stripes, bars and full medals of honor. <hr /></blockquote>Thanks Sweetie.

Daisy,
Orchid is wonderful. And, I'm not just saying that for reassurance for you. Awhile back I had an issue that I didn't want to bring to the forum, because I wanted all proactive, pro-marriage advice--I was angry enough! (That's one of the advantages of being an old-timer, I knew what I wanted to hear and who would say it to me) Orchid was one of the seasoned MBers I emailed and my H & I were once again able to resolve the problem.

RIF, just so you know, seeing your greetings from afg sometimes lifts my day...knowing things there are good enough that you can come to MB & post.

Daisy-M - Lor(Lor) - FIM - (and any other military spouses out there)

I know how much you guys sacrifice each and every day while your loved one is away from you...

I just wanted to thank you all for your sacrifices and service to our great nation... We couldn't do what we do over here without the love and support from our loved ones at home...

Thanks... Semper Fi,
RIF

Daisy,

I am a former IG in the Army. I am also a former 1SG with an infantry company that is now attached to your husband's unit in Afghanistan (I recently retired).

That being said, do not go to the commander and withdraw anything. Your husband has broken the law..he has broken the UCMJ. Your commander cannot back off, no matter what you request from him. If he does, then an IG can go after the commander!

You must let this play out. The great thing about the Army is that it can make WSs stop seeing their OPs. Sure, they arent going to monitor his every move. But if you send them evidence of hiscontinued contact, or they find him contacting her...then he is in severe trouble...disobeying a direct order!

I investigated a lot of adultery charges while I was an IG. I had to handle a few as 1SG with my soldiers also. Let the Army do what it needs to do. We are very good on rehabilitating good soldiers...and of course, getting rid of bad ones.

I wish society would adopt these ways also. A lot less adultery would go on and a lot less broken families if that adultery was gainst the law (it is against the law here in Virginia) and judges had the ability to order a WS not to see OP.

The Army is built on men and women of honor and good character. Right now, your husband isnt one of them. And he doesnt deserve to wear the uniform while he is being dishonorable. So, let the commander try to pull him back into the fold. Or, if he is that devoid of honor that he wont do the righ thing...then every honorable soldier out there will agree with me when I say...I wouldnt want him in a foxhole next to me.

In His arms.

Mortarman
I really and truely don't want to see my husband get in trouble.With that being said I chose not to call the captain anyway.A few reasons came up as to wht I'm not going to do it but the main reason is that in the back of my mind I think he may still be calling her.I checked her profile today on yahoo and her maritial status is listed as no answer when yesterday it said single.This makes me think he is still calling her.I'm not positive yet and I hope I'm just being crazy over this little fact.Well that's all right now but I'll update as soon as he calls.

[ February 10, 2005, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: daisey_marie2002 ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I am sure he don't have access to it but if he does he will know the email from my friend is a joke <hr /></blockquote>Daisey, your last conversation with your H was somewhat positive...what if he does get access to the computer to check emails? Please don't do stupid stuff like this, especially if he knows this is from YOUR friend.

Even if he never sees it, it doesn't put you in a positive light. It isn't marriage building.

Being nonlovebusting and positive need to be your focus.

Don't try to interact with the OW. Don't expect her to care about you or your child. If she did, she'd already have bowed out.

You don't want to get in some sort of pi$$ing contest through email with her.

And, the bottom line is, she isn't your problem. She's merely a symptom of how badly your H manages stress and his role in your marriage.

[ February 10, 2005, 06:14 PM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]

[ February 10, 2005, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: daisey_marie2002 ]

Daisey,
Thanks for explaining in more detail. I must operate on a different wavelength than you do. I don't seem to get some of your posts or I'm reading into them or something.

Anyway, if there is any possibility of your H seeing something that makes you look bad, avoid it.

Really, humor is fine, it can save your sanity...

Daisy,

You are playing with fire and be burned in time. This back and forth stuff is nothing more than childish.

Your Ws is already in trouble. Don't play games. Report what needs t/b reported. You play games with the command, then when you need them to execute their orders, they won't have the ammo needed because you were too busy playing games with the OW, your friend and your WS.

I am not sure how much more I can help you if you are going to go in this direction. MM gave you some good info that if you don't heed it, could backfire.

You need to see past these games. Really.

L.

I'm not trying to play silly games.I never wrote her or did anything wrong.My friend wrote the email and sent it to him before I even seen it,I just told her she could write one.My profile only says that my husband and I are trying to work things out.The joke my friend was refering to is between him and her,he does not even know she emailed me thier conversation.I told her that the girl has his password so she took it upon herself to write the email.Like I said I saw it after it was sent.I would not contact her because she was told to leave me alone so why would I start trouble with her?The email I sent him said nothing bad about her and all good things about him and I.It was also sent to him not her..He told my girlfriend everything after she confronted him about his profile on yahoo so ho knows that she knows everything.The command is on my side and I wouldn't do anything stupid to mess that up.I never called them like I was so sure I would do last night.I took everyone's advice.Not too sure what to say to my husband if he asks if I did but that is another story.I'm not even sure if his CO contacted the captain like he was going to do.

[ February 10, 2005, 07:00 PM: Message edited by: daisey_marie2002 ]

Good to see you aren't playing games. Let others do that. It will just irritate the WS with no benefit to you. Sometimes I recommend reverse babble which c/b construed as playing games. The difference is that RB is designed to deflect the WS' blows and give them back to the WS, thus providing some relief for the BS and family. Games usually just irritate.

Well let the command do what they need to do. Just give them the facts and let them do their job. Don't expect them to fix everything but if they took away his internet privileges, they probably are trying to make a point with this alien living in an adult's body. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Well I thought about this and I see that I made some people here mad.I never contacted her or did anything that can be reguared as playing silly games.She does not belong in my husbands account in the first place.These emails were sent to my husband and the one I wrote did not even mention her.The one my friend wrote did however but all she asked was if he was still seeing her.She did do it to piss her off but again these emails were sent to him not her.I didn't read the one she sent till she already sent it.I never said anything that would make the command take his side since I didn't talk about her,just us.I am editing my earlier posts because I have upset some people who have misunderstood them.

daisy,

You don't have to edit anything. You wrote what you wrote. Your explanation helps us see you are not playing games.

In this confused A world it is easy for the BS to get caught up in the games of the A. You just saw how close and easy it is t/b pulled into it.

Don't edit it. Just move forward with caution. BEtter t/b safe than sorry. Don't worry about our thoughts. That's why you can post here for your help. My personal thoughts are not what will fix your M. It w/b your actions and your H's (whenever your H returns back to earth). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

Daisey, I'm not mad or upset, just urging you to look at the big picture and to avoid behavior you wouldn't want everyone to read.

And, it was good you clarified your friend did this without your knowing. Any of us realize you may not be able to keep your friends from confronting, though it's ok to ask to to confront or not to, whichever way seems more proactive.

Daisey-Marie,

How are you doing? Haven't seen or heard from you in a few days.

Hope you are doing ok. Please let us know.

Aloha,
L.

I'm still here doing okay I guess.He tells me he is not allowed any contact with her so I guess I believe him.Not too sure.Says he is still going home to see his family after he gets back.I wish he wouldn't but I'm perpared to let him go if I have to so we can save this relationship.I'm trying to be good to him,not mentioning her even though it's there in the back of my mind.She has changed her profile to say long term relationship again and I asked my husband about it last night and he told me again he wasn't allowed to contact her.I told him why I thought so and he said she found someone fast.Iasked if this bothered him,he said kind of.Not sure what to think on that.She may have changed it to piss me off cause i changed mine.Just so i would think he is still calling her.He has been real good to me the last couple days.Doesn't say i love you but he says he is going to try to call every day.Told me he wouldn't be able to call tomorrow just letting me know why.Think he feels bad about this because of our daughter.I asked if he wanted pictures next time I sent a package he said no.I didn't presure him but I plan to send a couple just to make him really think about things.I go to the MC on thursday,I'll see what they say about all this then.Well I'll give updates as he calls.

[ February 13, 2005, 07:44 PM: Message edited by: daisey_marie2002 ]

Daisy,

Good to see you posting. Well, as you know the BS can't control the WS. So it w/b best when he does call to just acknowledge what he is saying. If he wants to know what you are up to, let him ask. That way you are more assured he is listening to what you are saying vs scheming a hurtful response.

It is a tool that you can use in the favor of your family. As a WS he is not a family member. In name only but not in spirit. So don't take him into the confides of your feelings. He will only want to tear your heart out. Don't give him that opportunity.

In my case, the less info I gave the WS, the less he would hurt me. Then when I went to plan B, it was much easier.

take care and keep in touch.

L.

Daisy,

How r u doing?

L.