I understand and as soon as he calls I am going to try your plan.I can't help thinking of the future though.Your story is truely amazing.I can't see myself going through all that and still being sane.Right now I just live for my daughter.In the end I pray I have enough strength to do what is right for her.If somehow I don't I'm just as bad as him.I know that someday down the road he will see what he has missed out on by these things he has done.I just hope that it is in time to save this marriage and his relationship with our daughter.

Daisy,

You have and will find that inner strength. My path was very different than I anticipated. Both my H and I had discussed what would happen if either was unfaithful at the beginning of our M. 2nd chances were not an option...... yet, look what we went through. So work on strengthening yourself. This A will test you to your boundaries but never beyond. There is a wise saying that God will never allow his loyal ones to be tested beyond what they can bear and in the end he (God) will make a way out. It is based on a scripture, I can share with you next time. This thought helped me endure.

Aloha,
L.

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Lor,
This is a totally different girl,this one he has only know for three months,they were making plans to be together after only talking for 5 weeks.That is not the talk of a sane person.Like I said before we have many problems in the past and he has had many while he was growing up.Sometimes I think he resents the fact I had a wonderful childhood and he didn't.As for the army getting involed his CO talked to him yesterday,asked what was going on and asked if he was still giving me money.He replyed he was(and is)so he just told him he wasn't doing anything wrong and he's here if he wants to talk.I have a feeling I was made to look bad and he did not bring up half the stuff that's been going on.I have told him the whole Korea story but I never found the chance till all this happened.Needless to say he doesn't believe me ans for that I can't blame him.I did decieve him because I was going to sleep with this other man,at the last minute before we got to his house I seen that what I was doing wasn't right despite the things my husband said while deployed and went back home alone.He will most likely never believe me.I can't expect him to,I lied about a lot of things while he was in Korea and though it is no excuse it was because I was lonely.He took seperation very hard and took everything out on me.He said I cheated many times before this other person even came into my life.I love my husband more then anything,I always have,I just made bad choices.He can't and won't see that.He is using yahoo and government computers for his chat but the company says there is not much they can do.They can tell him not to email her but they can't check on him all the time,plus I don't want to ruin his career.He has the briefing before he goes on block leave.They have mandatory briefings then they leave.They will have 3 days off before these start though.I don't want him to go home because I'm not sure I can trust him not to see her yet he won't let us go with him.He says he is going to Tennessee to open a bank account with the money we saved but I don't think we are able to withdrawl it for three months after he gets back,that may keep him from going but I doubt it.I've even told him that his Dad can come here so he doesn't go,that's the main person he is going to see.His Dad is a whole other story though,his nose has been in our relationship from day one.Needless to say we don't get along.Anyway I am really going to try to follow the advice I have gotten here,he will most likely call tomorrow since it is our anniversary,I was thinking of scanning some of our wedding pictures and emailing them to him.Not too sure though.

Orchid,
I have heard that before as a matter of fact when my husband left we were doing really bad and I told him that is God's way of making him see what he was about to lose,I told him God will never give you anything you can't handle.Things were going good till the end of November too,God was making him see what he had to lose and the things he had to do to improve it.But then she came into the picture and now instead he is thinking he is better off without me and all our problems.Before he left I almost left so many times because of things he did but I stayed because of our daughter,maybe he is starting to resent the fact that I have theatened to way out on him.Sometimes with the things he said to us there was no other way.I'm just going to try the things we talked about to the best of my abilitily.Thank you for listening.

Remember Daisy, WS' don't think with their minds. I am sure you can guess by their actions, which end they use to process their thoughts/feelings. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Steer clear of that end. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Orchid,
I need the names of the books you recommended,you forgot to email them to me.I'm going to try to go out and get them tomorrow.I started reading the one you loaned to me yesterday and so far I understand it but because of having a small child I haven't gotten very far lol.Thank you.

Ooops. Sorry. Had unexpected company for dinner and then son got sick today.

Here are the books:

Surviving an Affair - Dr W. Harley
His Needs/Her Needs - Dr. W. Harley

Love Must be Tough - Dr. James Dobson

BTW, I saw the troops from Afghanistan represented in the SuperBowl and thought of you and your family.

L.

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Orchid,
That's okay thanks for getting those to me.I heard about the guys watching the superbowl,my friend seen her husband but not the same unit.I'm not too sure if my husband is seeing it or not.I'll go get those books tomorrow.Thanks again.

Hey Daisy-M,

You've gotten some great advice! Even though your H is using a 'government' computer, soliders still have privacy rights for their personal e-mail... His CO can check the hard drive for any downloads that may be stored on the PC, but not a personal yahoo e-mail account unless an actual crime is suspected.

I agree with what LOR & Orchid have said, continue to work on yourself... when you do talk with him or e-mail him, show him your that you're changing by not dwelling on the present situation or trying to engage him in a deep relationship talk...

Here's my thoughts on his "planned trip" to TN... I suspect that your H was very hurt during his time in Korea. (I also know that you, too, were hurting then as well... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ) ...but your actions during that time (especially if he thought that you might have strayed even before he left) wounded him very deeply. I wouldn't place too much stock in this "trip"... I suspect that he's just using this as a way to punish you for hurting him during the Korea deployment...

I could be totally wrong, and he might really be planning a trip to TN... If he is, then the best thing for you to do is to try and give him a reason to NOT go... If you present yourself as clingy and needy, then most likely, that will only push him further away. If you present yourself as angry and demanding, that too, will only push him further away.

Talk with a counselor or your chaplain and ask for some specific things that you can do to try and make yourself more attractive to your H when he comes home... I can see that there is so much pain for both of you guys... and you're both chasing each other around in a circle trying to see who can hurt the other one the most...

Hang in there, and Happy Anniversary!!! My W and I just celebrated our 18th anniversary this past December <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ..... when we were deep in our troubles, I didn't think we'd make it to year 7... You and your H can work through this...

Semper Fi,
RIF

RIF,
You misunderstood my last post,he knows I didn't cheat on him before Korea he was accusing me of it before I even thought about it once he left.I feel in a way I did cheat I was thinking about it so I deserve for him to not believe me.I mean I told him I did because I figured that was easier to fix then him asking around and people saying I did.I never anything to tell them otherwise so I would fit in.I'm trying to be a caring wife and not bring up us but he does,then we get into a battle and he says it is all we ever talk about.I am also upset over the fact he doesn't want to have sex when he gets back,he feels it is not right because he loves her.Where were those morals when he was sleeping around on me?I never said that but I sure was thinking it.He just called a little while ago and started talking about him going home.He is planning to go to tennessee but he says right now he has no plans to see her.He said he would let me know if he sleeps with her,I told him to tell me before he left,that I will not stop him but he will not return to our house.I do see him leaving but I'm not sure if he will see her or not.He has it in his head that I can't control him so if he doesn't go I will be controling him.He has issues with this.He thinks I can't tell him what to do.He said he wuld take our daughter with him because I asked how he could leave her.I told him I didn't think he was capable of caring for her for three weeks alone.He asked why I told him because he complains when he has her all day.He also said he talked to his co and he says what he is doing is not wrong as long as he is giving me money.I find that hard to believe I think my husband is leaving out details,he also said the co told him I couldn't kick him out that I would have to leave,is this true?Other then that things were pleasant.I tryed talking about other things but then he had to go.I just love him so much I don't think I can bear the thought that he is going to sleep with her.They are not together but email and im alot.Both took thier pictures off thier profiles on yahoo,not sure why.Seems funny though.Well thanks again for listening.

Hey Daisy-M,

I didn't mean to imply that you did, in fact, sleep with anyone... only that the actions during his Korea deployment hurt him.

Sounds like you had a fairly good talk with him... I still think that his actions sound like someone that's wanting to 'punish' you for hurting him... I may be wrong, but I don't think that if he were really going to go and sleep with this other woman, that he'd tell you up front about it... I hope that he's just saying all of this to try and get back at you for previous comments...

You sound much better... remember, up to this point, all of his grand plans are just talk... work on making yourself as attractive as you can for him when he gets home. His decompression briefings and such will give you guys some time together before his block leave starts... use that time wisely... you can do this!

Semper Fi,
RIF

RIF
I know you were not implying anything.I also know my actions in Korea hurt him.I wish I could have handled things better but I didn't.I know he is going there but I'm not sure if he will see her.As of right now I don't think so but I'm not sure.Up until Korea I never thought of another man and since the night I turned him down I haven't but I know the damage has already been done.I have given him the permission to do things he had no need doing too.I always let him talk to women online,go to strip clubs and bars with his single friends when ever he wanted,have parties over here,go over neighbors or my friends houses when the women were the only ones there,the list could go on and on.I completely trusted him there was no doubt in my mind he was faithful.I guess I helped him find the situations where he could cheat.He also thought there was nothing wrong with this,sometimes I would even go to strip clubs with him.I thought this helped make me seem like I trusted him completely which I did.I am coming to understand that this is not the things married men belong doing.Anyway maybe things can still work out.I am holding out for it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by daisey_marie2002:
<strong> Anyway maybe things can still work out.I am holding out for it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Things can work out, but it's going to take some work from BOTH of you...

Don't just "hold out" for "it"... come up with a plan to win your H back.

Semper Fi,
RIF

Well feburary 7th has come and gone for him considering the time change and no call to say happy anniversary.Not even an ecard.He has no means of buying real cards or gifts but I at least deserve a happy anniversary.He may still call me this evening but our anniversary is over for him.He called last night and it was the 7th for him then but I was waiting till it was for both of us.No mention of it when he called.He sais he would call back later but he never does when he says that and he didn't.Right now I'm the only one involved in trying to make this thing work.Oh well.I see the mc to morrow,maybe she can help me.Just feeling really down thanks for listening.

Well feburary 7th has come and gone for him considering the time change and no call to say happy anniversary.Not even an ecard.He has no means of buying real cards or gifts but I at least deserve a happy anniversary.He may still call me this evening but our anniversary is over for him.He called last night and it was the 7th for him then but I was waiting till it was for both of us.No mention of it when he called.He sais he would call back later but he never does when he says that and he didn't.Right now I'm the only one involved in trying to make this thing work.Oh well.I see the mc to morrow,maybe she can help me.Just feeling really down thanks for listening.

Daisy, maybe your H is ignoring your anniv., but on ours, I had much the same thought as you are having...by noon my time the anniversary was over for my H and I hadn't heard from him at all. I sent him quite a weepy email...and as I hit send, a delivery man walked into my workplace with my present. My H wanted me to get it on the day in my time zone.

The moral to that particular story is don't get upset until you are sure he has missed it entirely! My H & I have a good relationship, 5+ years in recovery, so the weepy email wasn't an issue, he called me a goof and I agreed that I'd been over-anxious.

You say he said nothing about the anniversary, but apparently you didn't either. My best advice is to not set up small tests like that for your H to fail. That's game-playing. If he calls today, or tomorrow, wish him happy anniversary "I'm glad for the good times we've had", THEN if he's a jerk, be as angry as you want, just wait until you are OFF the phone, don't vent it on him.

You do sound sad. If you aren't on an anti-depressant, I've been having good results with St. John's Wort. It boosts my mood out of lethagy and depression.

You can't control what your husband is doing or planning, but you can take charge of your own behavior and to some extent your emotions.

I wasn't setting him up to fail it just wasn't the 7th here yet.I sent him on ecard and a im saying it since he never called me back.It just breaks my heart because things haven't been good between us but I do deserve better then this.

Sorry Daisy, I made an assumption from what you had posted that you were waiting for him to say it first.

I really didn't mean to make you feel worse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You do deserve better, no spouse deserves to be betrayed or be passed over on important days.

One of the things that took me a long time to understand was that my H's A changed our lives. During that time he wasn't going to do the things for me he should have done or had done in the past. A wayward spouse is rarely a thoughtful spouse.

So, if your H ignores your anniversary, it isn't a separate issue, but it is a part of his being an unfaithful spouse and a part of the choices he is making leading away from the marriage.

And, that is difficult under any circumstances, but the deployment makes it so you don't have any kind of easy access or feedback from him if he chooses to cut that off.

Sending him an email about the anniversary was a good thing to do. Because you do want this marriage and this is a milestone, it is honest to acknowledge that.

Okay things went so wrong to day and I never talked to my husband.The day started when I got a email that my husband picked uo his e card for our anniversary.About twenty minutes after that I got a email from the OW saying very mean things.She says they are back together and he doesn't want to work on us.I called the co of his company crying because I didn't know where else to turn.While I was on the phone with him she Imed me.I told him and told me to tell her to leave me alone.I did but she kept at it.Then her roommate started too and was threatening me if I didn't leave then alone.The co then emailed them both telling them they are to have no contact with me.The Ims stopped.By the time they did I was crying uncontrolably.The co put in a emergency call to the chaplin.He called back,listened to the whole story and basically told me to leave my marriage.I scared the hell out of my little girl today,I thought I was having a nervous breakdown!I had to take her over the neighbors house till I could get myself together.I am such a horrible mother.She was so scared,to see that look of fear on her face broke my heart.Anyway the chaplin said he didn't want to see me in the hospital three months from now because I stayed with him.I told him I didn't think it could come to that he told me you thought this would never happen either.And he was right.I'm so confused now.I told the co to tell the co over where my husband is because something has to be done I don't deserve this.I went to dinner with a friend to clear my mind before writing this,I had a good time too.I'm not sure how much of this my husband is aware of if any.Not too sure he played a role in it.I think she has his email password though because it seemed too funny the card was picked up at a time he should have been sleeping.Then the ims from her started 20 minutes later.Anyway that's my anniversary.How wonderful right?

{{{{{{{Daisy-M}}}}}}} I'm sorry that you are hurting so much right now... Is there anyone you can call and talk with? Remember, you can't control your H's actions...only your own. Don't let his bad behavior affect you or your daughter.

Do you have Orchid's number? Why don't you try and give her a call...

Semper Fi,
RIF