Its too late to call her.It is almost 12 here.I'm going to try to sleep but I dan't think I can.My daughter is having trouble sleeping too I guess because of the things she saw today.I'm not even sure what I will say if he calls tonight,maybe I should just unplug the phone,his co will tell him soon.I want to here his side too though,see if he did in fact pick up that card or if it was her.If it was he will most likely leave her because of that.I can't get my hopes up now though.I have a feeling it is over.Someone told me the devil has ahold of him and that God will protect me,I guess I need to work on trusting Him.My MC appointment is tomorrow then the shrink on thursday then the chaplin on the 21st.It is important to him that I see him,he is worried about me.I'm not thinking of doing anything to harm myself and I never will because of my daughter but he is still worried.I have to find my strenght somewhere inside of me.It's there I just need help finding it.I need that to leave him.I never want my daughter to go through that again so right now the best thing for her is for us to leave.Not sure whats best for me but that isn't important right now.I just don't understand this,he has some serious mental issues and it stems from more then combat stress.

Well it's morning here not and still no call from my husband.I guess he is going to hear her side of the story before he hears my side.Not too sure if the Co got to him yet either.I know it's just a matter of time.The longer he waits to call the less chance he will believe me.She is in his email account but he will never take my word for it.Somehow I have to show him she is.Does antone have any ideas?It's been a long night,about 5 hours of sleep,finally got my baby in bed around 12.I think she had trouble because of what went on yesterday.MC at 11.Trying to be hopeful but slowly losing hope.This is a great site but I'm finding this whole thing difficult to follow so far away.Orchid had some great things to say last night but so did the chaplin about leaving.Just really torn because of what my daughter saw yesterday.I don't want to cause her any more pain.I'm holding on to hope but there is so little to hold on to.Thank you to everyone who has helped me here.I will continue to post and let you know of my final decision when the time comes.I'm trying to let God take over but the hard part is letting go long enough.

Well he called last night and he had nothing to do with what she did.He told her it was over because she was told by him to leave me alone.He still says it is over for us though.He just wants to be left alone.I know he is talking out of anger right now but I still feel it is over.Most of the hope I once had is gone.This may be the best thing for my daughter and I but I sure don't feel like it is.I just want my husband back.Now comes the time for me to decide if I need to leave or stay.If I stay there may be a chance that he will see us and want to start over but if not and he still feels this way I will be crushed.I would like anyone's advice on this.

I just read the last few posts on this thread. I am going back to the beginning to read the whole thing though.

From what I've read so far, it sounds a bit similar to what was happening with me in the beginning.

WH deployed in Sept. 03 when I was 6 months pregnant. Everything was great at that time. On May 13th he tells me out of the blue that he wants a D. Claimed that there was no OW for a few weeks until I found out differently.

For the next two months, I kept trying to figure out what I could do from so far away. I wondered what had happened to his mind that he could do this to me and our three children...the baby was only 5 months old. I sent long heartfelt letters. I cried. I screamed. I totally fell apart.

I could do nothing and was completely powerless while he was away. Or so I thought.

Hang in there, girl. If you need someone to talk to you can email me at paulaann_hernandez@hotmail.com

I'll give you my number. Being home while your spouse is gone is hard enough. Wondering, waiting and worrying just makes it that much more difficult.

Good luck to you...I'm off to read your thread.

Daisy,

I have had a chance to reflect after our talk last night. IMHO, I don't think this is the time for you to make life changing decisions. He is talking out of anger and you are going right with them, as if it is the permanent thing.

Remember the WS' basically talk out of their azz. Not a good place to make decisions. LOL!!!

So step back, see where this takes him. Another thing is men take longer to digest stuff. He may be angry today and sorry in a couple of weeks.

You need to exercise patience. In the meantime, pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. I know it might not seem like much and right now you just want out. But tomorrow you may not, so don't make rash decisions.

E-mail Faithinme. She has been through even more than you have right now. So have others. Hang here for support.

BTW, how did your session go?

take care,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by daisey_marie2002:
<strong> Now comes the time for me to decide if I need to leave or stay.If I stay there may be a chance that he will see us and want to start over but if not and he still feels this way I will be crushed.I would like anyone's advice on this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldn't decide right now if I were you. You will probably go back and forth between wanting to work on things and leaving him A LOT.

I remember changing my mind 3 or 4 times a day....on a good day!

First things first....

1. You need to stabilize yourself. Now, stability in this case may just be getting through the day, eating at least once, not scaring the baby and counting down each hour until you go to bed. That was stable for me the first few months.

Don't expect too much from yourself. Lean on anyone you can. Ask for and accept help. And forgive yourself for perceived weakness.

2. Enjoy your daughter. I had a 7 yr. old, 9 yr. old and 5 month old baby when this started. Honestly, I could not care for them. A friend of mine spent a lot of time with the older two in the first few weeks. The baby was my lifeline. I don't even want to think of how many times I probably scared the kids. I either couldn't stop crying, was yelling or locked myself in my room writing letters to WH.

Take a break when you can, whenever you can. Do it for you and for her. When your with her, let her soothe your soul. When we actively cherish our little ones, it's amazing how God can touch us.

3. Recognize that you can only change YOU right now. Your H is gone. Work on you. What do you like about yourself? Build on that. What do you want to change? Work on it.

When you talk to him, be the happiest you can be. It's hard... I KNOW. I didn't find MB until a few days before he came home. I wish I had.

Everytime he would say he would call and didn't, I'd freak out. It was like I was on speed or something and all I could do was stress. When he called, all I talked about was our relationship - Can we work on it? How can you do this? What about our kids? I'd go into super long talks about God and family. It did no good. He couldn't hear me.

I wish I would have found MB and talked about my day. Told him about what games I played with the kids. I wish I would have known what reverse babble was. I wish I had learned what WS's say and how typical each and every word that came out of his mouth was.

I may still have freaked out when we got off the phone. Who knows. But I believe I would have been MUCH better than I was without MB.

With your H gone, there isn't as much you can do. True. That by no means leaves you helpless. You don't need to make a decision right now.

You need to get yourself in order and set up a game plan. Confuse the hell out of him. I loved that part <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Please, if you want someone to talk to, get in touch with me. I've been there. I know what happens to you in heart, body and mind. If I can help you in any way...I would be happy to.

Good luck to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Daisy,
It's pretty typical for a WS to say they are done with the OW, but it isn't about the A, they don't want the marriage. It still tends to be about the A.

From what you relate of what he says, he doesn't sound like he's sure about anything. One day it is all her. Then he says he's ended it and it is more about him.

The bad news is he might waffle like this the whole rest of the time of his deployment, so what you need to do is anchor yourself, like Faith says, into your day, into your child, into what you can control.

Listen to what he says, but try not to let it swamp you. I used to tell myself "well that might be the truth, maybe not".

Now, years later, my H doesn't know who he was during those 2 bad years. I certainly didn't know who he was!

I don't think you need to make any decisions immediately either. What would you have done if this hadn't happened? You can probably stick with that plan if finances and other issues remain the same.

Did your counselor have any ideas for you? MBers tend to be very pro-marriage, and that's the advice you will get here. As far as you can determine, will your counselor's advice be similar?

How soon is your H's leave?

My H comes home mid May, and I've set up a list of goals/tasks that (hopefully!) fit within that timeline. This month they are back to regular exercise, taxes, de-clutterizing, and a more healthy diet tied a Lenten vow. To-do lists like that help make the time go less slowly for me.

Right now you can't convince your H of anything, except that you do love him and want to be married to him. And, even that might not always get through to him and may not be among the "up/busy" topics you talk to him about.

You will get through this.

Daisy,

Not sure if you realize this or not but you have got some real strong MBers here posting to you. Not just me. Lor, RIF & FIM are real troopers. RIF, Lor and FIM have their stripes, bars and full medals of honor. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This A stuff is worse than combat. Not often is the enemy from within, but in our cases it was right next to us. The one who became one with our very souls them split without using any type of painkiller. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So right now you are wreeking with pain. Listen to these good people and take it a step at a time. That way when you deal with him (positive or negative), regardless of his attitude, you will survive. In fact often the BS comes out for the better and more successful, while the WS is still trying to 'find themselves.' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Hey Daisy-M,

I agree 100% with the others... please don't make any major decisions right now.

Your H is making all kinds of statements, but he hasn't acted on a single statement. I know how hurt you are right now... and I also know that if your H told you that he was going to fly to the moon as soon as he got back, that you'd believe him.

How did your talk with the MC and the chaplain go?

Semper Fi,
RIF

Okay so the CO talked to my husband today.He took away all his internet time.He is no longer allowed to use the computer so husband is pissed!!!He called my house twice and my cell once looking for me.I was out at walmart with a friend.Now I do feel a bit sorry for him but he did this not me.I'm kind of glad,at least I know she is history.Told me again on the machine to get the papers he would sign them.I'm tempted to just so I get my daughter but I am following the advice I got here and waiting.
The appiontment with the MC was okay,thanks for asking.She mainly focused on me and what I was feeling.I have been bottling up my feeling for so long I'm not sure what I think or want anymore and that is what I told her.She wants me to think that over and see her next thursday.I don't see the chaplin till the 22nd.I see a shrink tomorrow,I'll let everyone know how that goes.If he calls back I will keep it pleasant but he will still be pissed over the computer thing.I even find it a little funny,poor thing.I'm not being mean I really do want this to work out but he did get what he deserved.I'm glad I found this site and you guys,maybe even if we don't make it my daughter and I will.I'm starting to slowly believe that.I feel most hope is gone but I know some how God will see my daughter and I through this.

Daisy,

1 small step at a time. That internet was addicting otherwise he wouldn't be soo pissed.

You are right, he has only himself to blame. The CO did a good thing. Glad you have him working on the right side. Don't expect the WS to be grateful right now. It will come but after he has a major attitude adjustment. LOL!!

In the meantime, you take care of you and your lovely daughter. She is a cutey and sooo full spirited. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You sound in much better focus today. See there is light at the end of this dark A tunnel. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

take care,
L.

Hey Daisy-M,

You sound much better today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm glad that you had a chance to talk with your MC and that you've got some other appointments set up.

Again, I wouldn't worry too much about what your H says to you right now. Be pleasant with him on the phone when he calls...

Ask the chaplain to help you with a plan for your family when your H returns... I'm pretty sure that he will have to go through several manditory briefings and classes before he's even allowed to go on leave... The chaplain should be able to come up with a plan for you guys, and he can also recommend to the commander that he not be allowed to go on leave until he resolves his family issues... Ask the chaplain when you meet with him...

I know that this all seems so confusing and it's tearing you up... but please be patient and don't make any major decisions right now. You're doing good... you and your daughter will be fine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

I just had the most wonderful conversation with him.He was pissed at me but he feels bad too.I think the things he said may have started getting to him.He says he is not promising me anything but has not asked me to leave.He even said that he will think about coming home from leave with his family early to go to another island.I know this isn't over and things are in no way perfect but this is a start.I'm continuing with all my appointments and I will continue to post here but I'm finally seeing that just maybe there is hope for us.He is calling the CO here tomorrow to get things straight and I'm a little worried but I never lied to him so he won't say what isn't true.I'm going to call him tomorrow and drop everything for now,tell him I'm sorry that he got involved .It will make my husband happy and I am sorry it had to come to this.My husband said he is not sure when he will call again but I hope things will go well when he calls him.I'll keep everyone posted.

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 02:54 AM: Message edited by: daisey_marie2002 ]</small>

Daisy,

Don't retract your statement. It is critical that the WS face his consquences. When the BS retracts, you lose credibility and this helps the WS come out in full force. Unless you want to deal with the WS instead of your H again, I strongly recommend you stand your ground.

For a example of this, read DanigirlinVA's thread. You will see how her WS has set her up for a fall over and over again. Now he is trying to get her to drop RO charges against the OW when the WS and OW showed up drunk at her house past 10:30pm. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Don't be or show you are anxious to forgive all. He is only talking right now. You need to see permanent action.

Hold steady, ok?

L.

I am not going to retract anything just tell them it was a mistake to involve the army in this even though I know it wasn't.I am going to say I never lied which I did not but that I'm sorry I bothered them with my problems.I don't want my husband losing rank over this.I know my husband is far from being back and everything is far from being okay but this is a start.I know I told the truth and I have things to back this up if need be.I will not be called a lair but I just want to forget that I involved them.I will think about what every one says to this statement since I won't talk to him till morning anyway.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by daisey_marie2002:
<strong> I am not going to retract anything just tell them it was a mistake to involve the army in this even though I know it wasn't.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Daisy-M - It's a common feeling that spouses (and even the service member) shouldn't involve the chain of command when they have problems. This just isn't so. Just about every Commander, 1SG, or SGM that I know of would bend over backwards to help a young family... 1) because it's the right thing to do. 2) because family stability directly impacts unit readiness and 3) because we've all been there ourselves.

Please don't feel like getting the chain of command involved was a mistake. It wasn't. You need to use every available means to fight for your marraige for yourself and for your daughter. His chain of command is there for you, please use them.

I'm so glad that you had a good talk with your H... I second what Orchid said... your H is still just "talking"... don't change your plans right now... wait until you guys are back together and then watch his actions...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Daisy, my H is a SGM and just in his section has 3 guys who have wives who have either cheated, spent all their money or both. He's doing everything he can for "his guys". I know this is the opposite of your situation, but, if he didn't know anything was wrong, he couldn't help.

You did fine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by daisey_marie2002:
<strong> I am not going to retract anything just tell them it was a mistake to involve the army in this even though I know it wasn't.</strong>

You're right! It wasn't a mistake..don't tell them that. You will lose credibility and you may very well need to talk with them again at some point. Your H seems to be coming around slowly. Or, he could be playing damage control. Or, he could change his mind tomorrow. Trust me, a WS can and will change directions without warning...especially in the beginning.

<strong>I am going to say I never lied which I did not but that I'm sorry I bothered them with my problems.</strong>

You didn't "bother them". I was told by my WH's commander that they get quite a bit of training in dealing with this type of situation. There is a reason for that. RIF pointed out the reasons for that and they are very important reasons! Going to the CO and saying your sorry you bothered them could weaken your position.

<strong> but I just want to forget that I involved them. </strong>

Why in the world would you do that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> The biggest tool to your H's A has been taken away!! Yippee! Why is it gone? Why is he acting this way right now? Because YOU did the RIGHT thing. Your first job, before you can even dream of working on any issue as a married couple, is ending any A. You took a step to help that happen.

I'm proud of you! Don't forget it. So, he's mad. I totally understand that. I was scared to death that my WH would lose rank, lose money, hate me forever for what I did, blah blah.

You did something VERY important and courageous to protect your family AND your H. He's not making very intelligent decisions right now. Who knows how much deeper he would have gotten into the A without your intervention. Hell, you may have SAVED his career!

The point is...just really consider what the message you are sending out if you say the things you listed. If you want to let the situation lie low, maybe tell the CO

Thank you for dealing with this situation so quickly. I appreciate your understanding and leadership. I've talked with my H and the lines of communication for us seem to suddenly have a chance of opening up. I can only assume that is in part thanks to you. Thank you. My sincere hope is that this is a turning point for both of us.

You've thanked him, let him know there is change in your H's attitude (NOT behaviour) and that there is hope. I'd leave it at that in case you need anything in the future.

Whatever you do though, good luck and we are all pulling for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FIM

Orchid <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lor, RIF & FIM are real troopers. RIF, Lor and FIM have their stripes, bars and full medals of honor. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Sweetie.

Daisy,
Orchid is wonderful. And, I'm not just saying that for reassurance for you. Awhile back I had an issue that I didn't want to bring to the forum, because I wanted all proactive, pro-marriage advice--I was angry enough! (That's one of the advantages of being an old-timer, I knew what I wanted to hear and who would say it to me) Orchid was one of the seasoned MBers I emailed and my H & I were once again able to resolve the problem.

RIF, just so you know, seeing your greetings from afg sometimes lifts my day...knowing things there are good enough that you can come to MB & post.

Daisy-M - Lor(Lor) - FIM - (and any other military spouses out there)

I know how much you guys sacrifice each and every day while your loved one is away from you...

I just wanted to thank you all for your sacrifices and service to our great nation... We couldn't do what we do over here without the love and support from our loved ones at home...

Thanks... Semper Fi,
RIF