Hello there,

This is my first time writing, although I have been reading messages. I need some support. I am devastated. I found out that my H was having an affair two months ago. He said we would stop it (although he would need to continue working with the OW). Last night he tells me that he cannot live without her, and if he has to choose between us and her, he's choosing OW. I don't know what to do. I am hurting so badly. I thought we could work it out. I seem to be in shock. It's hard for me to work. It's hard for me to do anything right now. My insides are all upside down. Help.

I am sorry that you have to go through this. You are not alone and I am sure you will find the help here that you need. I have been there and it is not easy. I will not give any advice because there are lots of others that are better at that, but you can count with my support. Good luck! Love

Luna - you're in a safe place here.

Please start by reading the link in my sig line below, then describe everything to us about your marriage, family, and other things that are pertinent.

Order the books, Surviving An Affair and His Needs/Her Needs, available in the bookstore on this site or just about any on-line bookseller.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> if he has to choose between us and her, he's choosing OW. I don't know what to do. I am hurting so badly </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm so sorry, I know this hurts..and hurts horribly. Please call your doctor to maybe get some Anti-D. This will be VERY difficult.

HOWEVER..a little tough love now. Let him go..GOOD..he's not sitting on a fence anymore..he's made his choice.

Now let her try to fill all his emotional needs. You do NOTHING...cut off all contact. This is all still smoke and mirrors because he hasn't been forced into the light.

Well the light is on now. Is he intending on leaving the home ? Do you have children ? Is the OW married or have children ?

We will get you through this...you are not alone. But try really really hard to let him live with this decision. Sometimes...this is the best way to go...when they stand up for something..and make a stand..and have to live with that decision...it has a funny way of making them realize what a huge mistake it is.

Also find comfort in the fact that only 3% of all relationships that begin as an A, have a chance of survival. This will now die a painful death...but in the meantime...let's work on YOU..and getting YOU into a good place emotionally.

Inspite of his decision (choose the OW) I have asked my H to consider giving us a chance to work it out. I don't know if this is a good idea, because I guess "his heart" would not be in it if all he would be thinking about is the OW. He wants to discuss how "to separate" and make arrangements for the children. This is going too fast for me, and I told him so. He is trying hard to accomodate me because he would like to maintain a good relationship with me (inspite of it all) for the sake of the kids.

How can I start looking at details, ie. financial breakup, etc. if I can't even think right now. I am so hurt and alone and frustrated about decisions being made that affect me and there is nothing I can do about it. On the other hand, he has the OW to comfort him through all of this. Apparently this is not just a sexual thing, if it were he would be willing to work it out with me, it's more. He has found his "soulmate" and so he can't give her up.

I don't feel I can hold out with all the pain. First, learning about the affair, now that he wants to leave me for the OW. This is too much in too short of time. I don't know how to handle it. I am totally confused on how to best act now, living with someone who does not want to be with me, waiting for arrangements to be made. With H decision, I now feel we are total strangers. But, I would want so much to work it out. I guess this is impossible unless H is really wanting to work it out. I don't know why I bothered to even ask, that inspite of his decision, can we "try" to work it out for short period just to see. My feeling is that this would work against me. He would be going through the motion only. It will reinforce his decision in choosing the OW and in the long run reduce the chances of ever working it out. He says: had we gotten help a year ago, it would have been fine, but not now that the OW is in the picture. He just can't do it. He needs to think about what he wants, and not what he should be doing as a husband and father.

Welcome to MB. I'm glad you've been reading here. You are in pain and will probably be there for a lot longer. I'm at D-day + 3 months and it is only a little muted.

One of the things you will learn at this forum is that all WS spout the same lines. The plot varies little. People on this board could tell me what my WH was going to do 'way before he knew he was going to do it. The soulmate stuff, the not-in-love-with-you stuff, the push-your-buttons-and-make-you-mad-to-justify-my-affair stuff. The false recovery stuff. It's almost tiresome the way they all act the same.

Read the books. Work on your Plan. Give yourself some time. Our marriages are not built in a day. They should need be dissolved with out a lot of thought, time and effort.

((((((lunamare))))))

Welcom Luna,
It breaks my heart to read your post, as it could have nearly been me writing it. My Dday was 12/6/04, a little over two months ago.
My H would have chosen OW too, if she would have had him. He pretty much told me that. The situation wouldn't allow for it though, as she has a boyfriend that she is committed to.
I feel like I am second best and I can tell you, it's not really a very good place to be. I have been pulled a long on a string these past two months.
I feel like we are making progress and then BAM, he contacts her again. It hurts so much to know that your husband loves someone else. I feel it every single day.
I don't know that I really have any advice for you, but there are times I just wish I'd have just kicked him out on Dday. At least then, I'd be starting to heal by now instead of on this continuous roller coaster of wondering if he'll love ME again instead of her.

With my situation, all he will ever have with her is a friendship because she's supposedly chosen her boyfriend over him. He's still contacting her, so that tells me he's choosing "just a friendship" with her over a MARRIAGE with me.
It sucks. Best of luck to you.

Luna: Take a breath. Slow down. Stop. You do not have to do ANYTHING right now.

Your WS has got you right where he wants you -- frightened to death, completely off balance, and feeling utterly powerless. You are NOT powerless here -- he just wants you to think you are.

He is no different from any other WS who wants to have his cake and eat it, too. Do you know why he "chose" OW? Because he is certain that you will always be there for him and that he can always come back to you -- NOT because she is "better" or he loves her "more."

And he also "chose" her because he knew this would keep you freaked out and feeling powerless and willing to do anything to keep him around. Therefore, he's free to see her and still come back to you when he feels like it. If he had "chosen" you, well, his girlfriend would just move on to someone more available.

See how it works?

If you don't want a divorce, DO NOTHING. DON'T help him with it. Drag your feet all you want. If he wants a divorce, let HIM do the dirty work. You are NOT obligated to help him destroy your marriage.

Read the articles elsewhere on this site. If you think you can stand to follow Plan A, then do so for a while; you can always go to Plan B, which is usually what it takes.

Okay. Take a deep breath. Don't let him run roughshod over you. You have much more control here than you think. Keep posting and asking questions -- and don't panic. He's no different from any of the rest of them.
Mulan

Dear Mulan,

You are right. I am completely off balance, don't know what to do, feeling powerless in the situation. He knows he can count on me, and that I still love him. He is trying hard to maintain the best relationship he can with me (for the kids he says) but I do think it is also because he doesn't want me out of his life. In this sense you are right. He wants to have the cake and eat it too. He apologizes that his decision is hurting me so much, but says he can't help it. He has feelings of guilt, but justifies them by saying that "it's part of life, and that sometimes we don't control everything, and need to move on".

I do feel "clingy" at this time. I don't know how I can do Plan A when I am in so much hurt. He wants to separate. He's staying only to work out the logistics. I feel awkward sharing a house with someone who doesn't really want to be there, but I feel fragile, need him to be there, and he is prepared to be there for "a time" but says he will need to move on soon, and that I should not try to "drag it" out hoping the OW will go away, because if so, he will surely resent me. Says he does not want to give me hope because there is none for us staying together. I feel so frustrated, cut off from trying to "work out" our relationship, because I would like to give it a shot, but he does not!

He wants me to accept his decision, and understand what he is feeling for the OW, and to give him back his "freedom". I can't believe that he is now referring to our union as a "prison". I am soo hurt. I didn't think I could feel so much pain.

He says our relationship has not ended, it just will evolve to another relationship, that of parents trying their best to take care of the kids. I know he does not want me to make a scene. He's having a hard time with his decision, but does not want to budge.

I am sorry for rambling on. I want to Plan A but I don't know how to do it when I am soo sad inside, and he does not want me to meet his EN. He has become distant, and now wonder if he is forcing himself to give me hugs, and hello kisses. Now I imagine he is thinking about the OW all the time, waiting for the time they will eventually be together once he has "settled" things with me, and feel the whole situation is reinforcing their "two against the world syndrome" as the OW also needs to break up her marriage to be together. I sometimes feel like contacting the OW's H. I see him in the same situation as mine: devastated, as OW recently also told him of her A with my H.

I don't know how to act, don't know what to do, don't know how to feel, don't know how I feel - I am a total mess.

Lunamare,
pay attention to all the good advice you sre given here. It is specially important that you read as much as you can the stuff on the website and the books. You will see how similar all WS are, it's really unbelievable. You could be describing my WH!!!!!!
Let me tell you that d day was 26 oct and during the 2 months of plan A we had a much better relationship than during the previous weeks. It was a relief for him that we did not talk about the A or our R, and then on the 26th dec I went into plan B. Now this is a relief for me. It is hard, you will cry a lot but if you follow the plan you will be successful. Whatever happens.
You cannot control your WH and specially not while he is a WH so don't even go there.

Concentrate on yourself. Follow plan A for a while because it is absolutely necessary for plan B to be successful.

Read, read, read.

and post whenever you want. We are all here to helpyou get thru these moments and even the boring ones that may come later. There are great people here who know.

Breathe.

Lunamare,
pay attention to all the good advice you sre given here. It is specially important that you read as much as you can the stuff on the website and the books. You will see how similar all WS are, it's really unbelievable. You could be describing my WH!!!!!!
Let me tell you that d day was 26 oct and during the 2 months of plan A we had a much better relationship than during the previous weeks. It was a relief for him that we did not talk about the A or our R, and then on the 26th dec I went into plan B. Now this is a relief for me. It is hard, you will cry a lot but if you follow the plan you will be successful. Whatever happens.
You cannot control your WH and specially not while he is a WH so don't even go there.

Concentrate on yourself. Follow plan A for a while because it is absolutely necessary for plan B to be successful.

Read, read, read.

and post whenever you want. We are all here to helpyou get thru these moments and even the boring ones that may come later. There are great people here who know.

Breathe.

First off, (((((Lunamare)))))!

Everything you have said he is saying has been said before by so many other WS...he is living in a fairytale right now....not a prison.

The prison / freedom viewpoint is a textbook dillusion. Of course it seems like freedom, when you don't have to deal with any realities like in-laws, bills, kids, REAL LIFE. An A is like living on credit cards--you get what you want right away, without having to pay. But believe me, his bill will come.

I have to go but wanted to say, it may be hard but don't take to heart the things he is saying right now...again...he is dillusional.

BE SURE to read as much as you can on S Harley's principles and buy the books ASAP! Good luck.

Oh also, don't neglect your physical health. Eat right, lots of water and sleep...and if you can go running /walking do or go to the gym!

Good luck!

lunamare,

You should call the OW's H. Please don't assume he knows about the A or that he knows the truth about any of this....chances are...he doesn't. Read about all of Plan A...including the difficult parts...exposure and confrontation.

lunamare,

You are not alone. Many of the things you have described happened to me and others here. Many of the things your H has said are standard WS script.

I would suggest studying fog talk and train yourself to become an expert at it.

It took me 3 months to finaly understand the fog talk but now my life and my marriage is much more sane.

I want to thank everyone who has sent a message to me. I really appreciate it. I am still totally confused on what I need to do, should do, etc. but I do find it helpful to be able to talk about it to you all, and get some feedback from "out there".

I always looked forward to going home. Today, not knowing what to do, I wish I did not need to go home and see my husband. There is so much sadness in our house. I want to protect my 2 kids but I know that I can't shield them from this, and worst of all, I do feel I am not totally available to them as I was been before. I feel I am neglecting them, doing the minimum because I am so hurt, I feel numb. I don't feel like that very often. It must be my way of taking a break from the pain. There is so much pain and hurt and wish I knew how to make it better. I am so mixed up. So totally unprepared to deal with all of this. I am usually a very upbeat person. This is a very unusual state of mind for me. I don't trust my judgement anymore. Don't know if what I do makes things better or worst. I so wish to know what I should do. I feel helpless right now. Totally devasted, but I need to work, I need to take care of my kids, but what I really want to do is crawl in a hole and lay there for as long as needed to, but can't. Right now, I don't feel up to anything, let alone "navigate" what will probably be the most difficult period in my life.

I just want to cry and cry and cry and cry, but feel I can't let myself go, for fear of not being able to function afterwards. What a bummer! I don't know what to do with all these emotions inside of me. I feel I am going to burst.

lunamare,
it will get better but you will also probably cry alot. At least I did. I also wanted a hole to crawl into but I finally made it out of the hole. Do read and see that there is a plan. This means that your feelings are expected, and described, what to do is suggested to you, what your WH will do is even predicted.

There are too many of us in the same situation unfortunately and Dr. Harleys teachings and his plans are helping us. If they didn't work do you think there would be 40 000 of us here?

read. that's the first thing you have to do. Get the books and read this website or listen to the audio on the website.

Try to calm down and act cool tonight. Don't cry in front of your husband. Good luck and check back tomorrow. Take it one day at a time

OK, Luna - I'm a guy so bear with me.

We validate your pain and confusion, but lets get to work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong>Please start by reading the link in my sig line below, then describe everything to us about your marriage, family, and other things that are pertinent.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please fill us in on some details? We can't do any more than validate your feelings and say your sitch sounds just like so many more here unless we know more.

In additon to the stuff I already asked, what do you know about the OW? Married? If so, do you know how to contact her H? Children? You said your H and OW work together. Please describe the arrangement? Is he her boss or vice versa?

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lunamare:
<strong> I sometimes feel like contacting the OW's H. I see him in the same situation as mine: devastated, as OW recently also told him of her A with my H.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, I didn't see this before.

Why do you believe OW's H knows about the affair?

How do you know, "OW recently also told him of her A with my H."?

Because your H said so?

Don't believe a word he says. Further, OW may be lying to your H that she told her husband.

Contacting OW's H is one of the first tasks you have to perform. Assume he knows nothing. This is the beginning of exposure that you'll read a lot about here. Vitally important.

WAT

***You are right. I am completely off balance, don't know what to do, feeling powerless in the situation. He knows he can count on me, and that I still love him. He is trying hard to maintain the best relationship he can with me (for the kids he says) but I do think it is also because he doesn't want me out of his life. In this sense you are right. He wants to have the cake and eat it too.***

He sure does, and right now he is convinced that he has succeeded. Heh, heh, heh. Little does he know . . .

***He apologizes that his decision is hurting me so much, but says he can't help it.***

Sure he could help it. He just doesn't want to. Life is real, real good for HIM by not helping it.

***He has feelings of guilt, but justifies them by saying that "it's part of life, and that sometimes we don't control everything, and need to move on".***

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He is very, very smug, isn't he? Again, that's because he is convinced he has found a way to have two women at once and that he has 100% succeeded. Sure, Luna is a little upset, but she'll learn to adjust. He's just *sure* of it. That's why he's spewing such incredible garbage out of his mouth. DON'T believe ANY of it.

***I do feel "clingy" at this time. I don't know how I can do Plan A when I am in so much hurt.***

I am a big fan of Plan B myself, but you may not be ready for that quite yet. I would say just keep reading all you can on Plan A and Plan B. That way, you will have *some* sort of plan for *yourself* instead of just helplessly waiting for his next stab at you.

***He wants to separate. He's staying only to work out the logistics. I feel awkward sharing a house with someone who doesn't really want to be there, but I feel fragile, need him to be there,***

I understand. It's hard to say whether you feel worse when they're there or worse when they're gone.

***and he is prepared to be there for "a time" but says he will need to move on soon, and that I should not try to "drag it" out hoping the OW will go away, because if so, he will surely resent me.***

Oh puh-leeze -- HE is the one who is going to "drag it out" as long as possible. You can bet the house on it.

You may get other advice here, but I think you will get far better results here with the soonest Plan B you can manage. Why? Because your H is a smug, arrogant cake-eater who is just *sure* Luna will wait for him no matter what he does. He needs a good dose of "be careful what you wish for -- you may get it."

***Says he does not want to give me hope because there is none for us staying together.***

That's easy to say when he is sure you will never leave him and can't live without him. Heh, heh, heh.

***I feel so frustrated, cut off from trying to "work out" our relationship, because I would like to give it a shot, but he does not!***

You don't have to wait for him. There is much you can do on your own. Keep reading on this site.

***He wants me to accept his decision, and understand what he is feeling for the OW, and to give him back his "freedom".***

Oh, yes. Again, Luna, he feels safe in saying this because he is sure you'll never, ever do it. He is convinced that you will just sit and wait for him if he moves out to be with his girlfriend and that poor helpless Luna will take him back anytime. "Be careful what you wish for . . . "

***I can't believe that he is now referring to our union as a "prison". I am soo hurt. I didn't think I could feel so much pain.***

I understand. But he is just trying to make this YOUR fault and dump all of his guilt on YOU. That's all this is.

***He says our relationship has not ended,***

He's right. It hasn't. He doesn't want it to or he would have left with no forwarding address. He just wants to have both a girlfriend AND a wife, and he is sure he has succeeded.

***it just will evolve to another relationship,***

Yes, one filled with lies and deception and abandonment and third parties. How fun! His parents must be so proud.

***that of parents trying their best to take care of the kids.***

Oh, yes, abandoning one's children to go live with a girlfriend is certainly the very best thing for the kids.

***I know he does not want me to make a scene.***

Oh, honey -- he's COUNTING on you not to make a scene. He is POSITIVE you will NEVER stand up to him or make a scene of any kind. Think about it -- what would he do if you DID make a scene?

***He's having a hard time with his decision,***

No, he isn't. He thinks this is great. He's got two women on a string. He is having his cake and eating it too. HE is not having a hard time with ANYTHING.

Yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

***but does not want to budge.***

Yes, it's nice and comfy for him sitting up on that fence, isn't it?

***I am sorry for rambling on. I want to Plan A but I don't know how to do it when I am soo sad inside, and he does not want me to meet his EN.***

Just do the best you can. But with a hard-core fence-sitter and cake-eater like your WH, I don't think anyone could stay in Plan A for very long. It will only enable him, but it may be a stopgap while you get your ducks in a row to go to Plan B.

***He has become distant, and now wonder if he is forcing himself to give me hugs, and hello kisses. Now I imagine he is thinking about the OW all the time, waiting for the time they will eventually be together once he has "settled" things with me, and feel the whole situation is reinforcing their "two against the world syndrome" as the OW also needs to break up her marriage to be together.***

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Luna, this is what he wants you to be thinking. As long as this horrorshow is playing out in your mind, you will be too paralyzed to move and too frightned to make a fuss. This is EXACTLY what they are BOTH counting on.

Keep reading. We have Plans for your WH. Heh, heh, heh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

***I sometimes feel like contacting the OW's H. I see him in the same situation as mine: devastated, as OW recently also told him of her A with my H.***

Absolutely you should. Read some of the threads here by people who have done this. Just be aware that this will rock your WH's world and he will be furious. Remember what I said about him counting on you not to make a fuss? And about how we have Plans for him?

Heh.

***I don't know how to act, don't know what to do, don't know how to feel, don't know how I feel - I am a total mess.***

You are a betrayed wife whose husband is acting like an adolescent jerk. You are hurt and enraged all at once, and you have every right to be. For now, just take care of yourself and read all you can.

We've got Plans. He has NO idea what's coming. Heh.
Mulan

Luna, I could feel the heaviness in my chest when I read your posts. You are posting MY STORY, exactly, word for word.

((((((Luna)))))))))

Pay attention to Mulans post. The first thing that came to mind when I read that was """BINGO"""".

2 months before dday, I got the 'love you, but not IN LOVE with you speech' out of the clear blue. Didnt see it coming at all. I watched him, read here at MB, and noticed many signs of a WH. By the time D-Day hit on May 16th, I was hurt, but ready to leave. 2 weeks after d-day I was looking for an apartment. I was being the best me I could be, but for myself, not him. He begged and pleaded for me not to go every single time I had an appt. to look at an apartment. I was ME around him (even tho my eyes were swolen shut from crying when he wasnt around, and I had the shortest short term memory in history)
As soon as I showed him that I was hurt but I was moving on, it would confuse the hell out of him.
Dday was almost 3 years ago, and we are still together <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Be the best you can be, but do it for YOU and your kids, not HIM.

And yes,,,,, Talking to the OW's H was one of the best things I did for myself.

Keep posting here when you need to talk, there are many people here that have felt the way you do. You will always have someone to listen, and you will always get the best advice.

I will keep you in my prayers. S&I