Well, maybe not. But, it did cross my mind. I have tried everything I can to be a better person and meet his needs, and guess what? He still isn’t happy. It really did cross my mind the other day about the A to make him happy. I know it is ridiculous....but at d-day #3 he told me....”I just want you to be happy”. Oh, thanks for the help!

I was a miserable person and very unhappy. I am much happier now! I am a lot more confident than ever and doing things for me, but away from him, to keep working on my self-esteem.

Last week we had an argument because he was being so nasty about finances. From the beginning of our marriage he has blamed me for his not being wealthy I guess. He has always said stuff that lets me know he thinks if it weren’t for me, (because I hold him back and I’m a SAHM), that he would probably be successful. I ain’t buying it. He just came unglued about something and I had heard enough. I let him have it right back. That was last Tuesday and we haven’t touched or hugged or nothing since. I am so hurt by what he said and the way he apparently feels toward me that I don’t want to be around him.

I have come to realize the last few weeks/months that there is nothing I can do to change him. I knew that already, but I was making an effort at meeting his needs per the worksheets (we did them, talked about our first 2, I found his and read them). I have improved, but alas, he doesn’t see it. No compliments, nothing. He just finds something else that is wrong.

I have done some looking around about passive aggressive behavior, and I was shocked! First of all because there was more of me in there than I realized, but recognizing some things coming from him that really hit home. The main one is his non-response to me. If I tell him anything about me, or us, or how I feel, what I want....he just is silent. He will even just look off out the window, out the door and never say a word to me. Then he will walk off. From there he may give me the silent treatment for days, or come back like I never said a word. If it was about something he did to hurt me (by my definition) he does not apologize. His silence infuriates me. It doesn’t seem to matter if I talk with LB or without, he rarely responds to the conversation.

A few weeks ago I told him I want to get a job because since I have been out to my exercise class I am really enjoying being around happy positive people that are enjoying life. And, we’re broke. Today I told him about a job in the paper and my thoughts about it. It is something I can do, and it is at a place that is highly sought after for jobs. I think it is something I would be in the running for if not the winner! I then told him it is, for me, something to bring me satisfaction for a job well done, instead of getting yelled at for the brunt of his frustrations. Something that I could take pride in and be appreciated and even get paid for it! I also told him I am unhappy at how it is going with us and that it would probably be a move to get me on my feet and move towards divorce. His response was so little that I really don’t know how he feels about it, even though I did ask him directly. (he did say he thinks D is a good idea since we are not in love)

So, I am feeling sort of blue, as I don’t know what to do really. I want to be out of the chaos I live in, but I don’t want to get a divorce. I don’t have any hope for him to change or take responsibility for the way his life is right now and I’m tired of trying.


Weird thing is, I feel really blue but I don’t want to do anything more to work on this marriage. I truly feel like I can’t do it alone and he is not willing and not changing. It feels even more hopeless when I think of his brother and father and how much of the same thing is in them. It is then that I know I up against something bigger that me...

Any input would be great. I am truly at the end of my rope.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ... I feel really blue but I don’t want to do anything more to work on this marriage. I truly feel like I can’t do it alone and he is not willing and not changing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen MAL. Sorry can't give you encouragement. Just saying I understand and I believe.

I recently read a book called Men Are Clams, Women Are Crowbars that helped me understand how men can be so non-responsive when women try to discuss things with them.

There were some very good suggestions for both the man and the woman. It said males typically need time to go away and think about what the woman said before they can come back later with a response. Of course, that's assuming the male does come back to discuss later... Sometimes though they never feel it's the right time and place to discuss anything and will avoid forever. Then what?

FIRST the male has to WANT to be in the relationship enough to learn how to hold up his end of the communication.

One way for the woman to increase the odds that he will once again want to pursue her, and have conversations with her, is for her to stop initiating and pursuing.

So I guess it has to start much further back and then when/if the male WANTS to do what needs to be done in order to keep or regain the relationship with the woman, he's will then be receptive to communicating?

Well if it ain't one thing, it's a few dozen others.....

My internet went down about 30 minutes after I posted this thread and stayed down until yesterday morning and then I couldn't get a minute alone to post back because H was around all day. Then we got a call about a friend being in a terrible car wreck and the day was just crazy from there. The girl (20) is o.k. and her baby boy (22 mos.) was not with her THANK GOD or he wouldn't have made it through as the whole back and passenger side of the car was demolished. There was not even a big enough space to get her out, even though her legs were not pinned, because it was so twisted up. She is badly bruised and cut but miraculously no broken bones or stitches! Due to hers and her H's schedule, any given day the baby could have been with her as she was going to work....just makes me shudder to think...(we used to babysit this little guy and now we just go get him and bring him over to play with us and entertain us!)

So, I'm back.
Thank you so much for your responses.

Tom Joad,
I am sorry you understand...that you are also in this very unhappy place. I wish I knew an easy way out of it...one with no pain!

meremortal,
that book sounds interesting. I feel like a crowbar. It is so hard to get anything out of him unless it is about our business. He can talk all day and night about that but never about R. I have stopped initiating and pursuing and that doesn't work. We just don't talk about anything I am interested in then. Nothing. And I can't plan out business or changes we may make when I can't see if we can even talk about us and when I feel like we are not o.k. How do you make a business plan when you don't even know if you want to be married to your partner anymore?

Yesterday he made some negative comments, feeling like something was really going against him and I had to let him know how that was exactly the type of talk he didn't like from me. That has been one of his biggest complaints...my negative attitude. And now that I am working on it and really feel it is improving, I can really see it in him. It was an example for him to see that it ain't all me.

He listened, I left and finished getting the kids ready for school, and when I returned he acted as if nothing had ever happened. Just made the comment that we need to make a plan to get a better idea what is upcoming for the business. We worked together on the office for several hours and made good progress but never any mention of what I had said and then later he hugged me like he felt so much better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . This morning he gave me a kiss before he left town for a meeting. See, now in his mind I probably just needed to blow off steam and I did and now life is just fine. That's where I thing the passive-aggresive is the worst...He took one on the chin and didn't engage and saved the whole day. I don't think he really heard a word I said. So frustrating.

Anyway, thanks again.