Well, maybe not. But, it did cross my mind. I have tried everything I can to be a better person and meet his needs, and guess what? He still isn’t happy. It really did cross my mind the other day about the A to make him happy. I know it is ridiculous....but at d-day #3 he told me....â€I just want you to be happyâ€. Oh, thanks for the help!
I was a miserable person and very unhappy. I am much happier now! I am a lot more confident than ever and doing things for me, but away from him, to keep working on my self-esteem.
Last week we had an argument because he was being so nasty about finances. From the beginning of our marriage he has blamed me for his not being wealthy I guess. He has always said stuff that lets me know he thinks if it weren’t for me, (because I hold him back and I’m a SAHM), that he would probably be successful. I ain’t buying it. He just came unglued about something and I had heard enough. I let him have it right back. That was last Tuesday and we haven’t touched or hugged or nothing since. I am so hurt by what he said and the way he apparently feels toward me that I don’t want to be around him.
I have come to realize the last few weeks/months that there is nothing I can do to change him. I knew that already, but I was making an effort at meeting his needs per the worksheets (we did them, talked about our first 2, I found his and read them). I have improved, but alas, he doesn’t see it. No compliments, nothing. He just finds something else that is wrong.
I have done some looking around about passive aggressive behavior, and I was shocked! First of all because there was more of me in there than I realized, but recognizing some things coming from him that really hit home. The main one is his non-response to me. If I tell him anything about me, or us, or how I feel, what I want....he just is silent. He will even just look off out the window, out the door and never say a word to me. Then he will walk off. From there he may give me the silent treatment for days, or come back like I never said a word. If it was about something he did to hurt me (by my definition) he does not apologize. His silence infuriates me. It doesn’t seem to matter if I talk with LB or without, he rarely responds to the conversation.
A few weeks ago I told him I want to get a job because since I have been out to my exercise class I am really enjoying being around happy positive people that are enjoying life. And, we’re broke. Today I told him about a job in the paper and my thoughts about it. It is something I can do, and it is at a place that is highly sought after for jobs. I think it is something I would be in the running for if not the winner! I then told him it is, for me, something to bring me satisfaction for a job well done, instead of getting yelled at for the brunt of his frustrations. Something that I could take pride in and be appreciated and even get paid for it! I also told him I am unhappy at how it is going with us and that it would probably be a move to get me on my feet and move towards divorce. His response was so little that I really don’t know how he feels about it, even though I did ask him directly. (he did say he thinks D is a good idea since we are not in love)
So, I am feeling sort of blue, as I don’t know what to do really. I want to be out of the chaos I live in, but I don’t want to get a divorce. I don’t have any hope for him to change or take responsibility for the way his life is right now and I’m tired of trying.
Weird thing is, I feel really blue but I don’t want to do anything more to work on this marriage. I truly feel like I can’t do it alone and he is not willing and not changing. It feels even more hopeless when I think of his brother and father and how much of the same thing is in them. It is then that I know I up against something bigger that me...
Any input would be great. I am truly at the end of my rope.