Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 37
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 37
WH told me this afternoon that he was going to talk to OW tonight. I'm hoping that means to cut it off. I think it does because he gave me a big hug a few minutes later. But who the hell knows?

He said he has to get his head out of his butt and focus on us. No, I still don't trust him as far as I can throw him, but it is a start, don't ya think? Please tell me yes....

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
In other words, he is going to go boink his girlfriend tonight. I am sorry, drain, but that is not a hopeful development. Hopefully, you are not allowing him to a) take your car or b) delude you into thinking he is doing anything BUT going out on a date with his ho?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
What happened to the "thinking" angle? I thought he needed to go "think?"

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
He's still very foggy. Sorry hun.

Pep

Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 37
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 37
He hasn't said anything else about 'thinking'. You guys are just like my sis, the only one that knows from my family. He left about 4:30. I'll let you know what time he gets home.

I have no choice but to let him take the car. It's the only one we have. And if I am to hope that he is ending this, I have to let him take it. You guys, I know he is a butt head, but aren't I supposed to have some empathy for him? Isn't that what I read?

Maybe he has re-thunk the whole 'thinking' thing.

I want to save the marrage, not push him away.
His sis (wife of the idiot boss) is about to tell her H shape up or ship out. He is actually with ho's, not with a steady. ( I know it's not much better) But anyway, I really do think he is making progress. You know when you "knew" he was having the A? You just know when he is lying about stuff. I don't feel that tonight. I hope and pray I'm right!

Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 3,073
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 3,073
I hate to tell you this, but the WS is sometimes happiest before or right after seeing the other person. They are about to get their "fix".

Long time former WS here speaking from experience. I was happiest with my H (even to the point of hugs or having sex) right before or after seeing OM. I certainly didn't want to pick a fight right before I went to see him and then have that on my mind. And being nice after seeing him helped me make up for the guilt I felt.

I suggest you go with him when he goes to talk to her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by drainedinfl:
<strong> You guys, I know he is a butt head, but aren't I supposed to have some empathy for him? Isn't that what I read?

Maybe he has re-thunk the whole 'thinking' thing.

I want to save the marrage, not push him away.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Drained, he is lying to you. He is going out to do one thing and one thing only and that is have a date with a ho. If he was ending something, he would end it; he wouldn't be going out on a date.

No, you are not supposed to be empathetic to his destructive actions. You are supposed to make it as uncomfortable and difficult as possible for him to carry on an affair. You are trying to save your marriage here.

Nor do you have to push him away. He is already pushed away, he is having an affair. The "A" in Plan A does not stand for appeasement, drain. Plan A means you try to do everything in your power to END THE AFFAIR.

What are you doing to end the affair?

Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 37
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 37
Melody,
I thought I was trying to help him end the A. Am i NOT?
sh**, i'M SO CONFUSED
Stupid caps

He's already gone. Maybe there is no hope.
Like I have said b4 in other posts, I don't even know if I want him after this. I just want to know he is not with her. That's the only way I can keep trying

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
drained, how exactly are you helping him end the affair?

Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 37
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 37
By letting him go to her and him telling her it has ended

Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 445
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 445
Well I hope you're right and he did in fact do that (end it) but if he didn't

don't be fooled again.

Be tough and hold to your stance of strength (you matter more than her and he can break it off with her in a certified letter if need be)

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
By letting him go to her and him telling her it has ended


Ending MY wifes affair took my threatening OM with physical damage and destruction of his reputation AND exposure to his GF.

You see why letting him go boink his OW probably isn't enough ?

He can't help it right now, he's addicted. just like my Squid was.

Please take action to help stop his affair. Plan A & exposure for a start.

You will feel better. MUCH better.

All blessings.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by drainedinfl:
<strong> By letting him go to her and him telling her it has ended </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">drained, he is not going there to end anything and he never said that. He is going there to get laid.

Now, when he is truly sincere about ending things, you should insist that he send a LETTER that you both write telling her that the affair was a huge mistake and to never ever contact him again. He should vow to never ever see her again. ANYWHERE. Ending contact means just that, ENDING CONTACT.

I am sorry to be so direct with you, drained, but you cannot afford to believe your H's lies. These are not even good lies. You are in a fight for your marriage right now so you must be shrewd and not give into wishful thinking.

I would suggest when your H gets home, you tell him that seeing the OW is very disrespectful and hurts you deeply. Tell him there is only room for 2 people in your marriage and that he needs to end his affair.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
drained - I went through the same thing. WH went to hotel with OW to "end" the affair. They are still together 2 years later.

Listen to Melody - she told me the same thing.

Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 3,073
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 3,073
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by drainedinfl:
<strong> By letting him go to her and him telling her it has ended </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He could respect your feelings and end it on the phone or with a no contact letter.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 709
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 709
Oh boy...your story sounds just like mine.

OW was 20 year old co worker when WH started his A. Listen to MelodyLane...she is right...NC letter is very very important

I didnt understand how important NC letter was until i had 4 ddays and 3 false recoveries...after the last Dday...i told WH to pack up and leave.

I would advice you to do a good plan A. You need to negotiate your way into getting WH to do an NC with OW.

Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,823
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,823
Drained-

Sweetie...they're right....he did not go to end the affair. Even if he had intentions of ending it with her.....going to *see* her is the equivalent of a drug addict going to *see* his crack dealer to tell him he's gonna stop smoking crack.

As for your "Gut" feeling...I know, when your WH was cheating and you KNEW in your gut something was wrong....and you don't feel that about this situation.....what you've got going is a heart-gut conflict....your heart wants so badly to believe him that it's over-ruling your gut.

We BS have some fog issues of our own, as we are also addicted to our WH.....They can sound so damn sincere, can't they? And maybe they are, for that millisecond....but they revert back faster than you can shake a stick at 'em.

Don't beat yourself up, you thought you were doing the right thing....now you know, now we can work from here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> All is not lost...you're still in an okay position here......I HOPE you didn't LB him to death when he got home LOL!!!

This stuff is hard to digest, but it's all truth, we all think our WH is different initially.....unfortunately (And I find this so flippin odd) they all follow the same pattern. It HAS to be instinct...it has to be, there's no other explanation for it.....the patterns are too similiar, it has to be something instinctual.

Sorry......I have trouble getting my mind around it, but if it looks like sh*t and it smells like sh*t, it's most likely sh*t.

-Caren


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5