Hey LM. I need your no Bullsh*T kick me in the azz approach right now.

Word of caution: Never post when you are having a potent margarita. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

LM, I know you have followed my sitch somewhat. I am trying to detach from the Dork. WTF is wrong with me. I keep coming up with excuses for his Dorkines.? I know I don't deserve this BS. I know that he does not deserve me. I know that I need to kick him to the curb. He!! my DD13 has told me to start dating so that I can find a REAL man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

What made you able to move on?

I just cannot picture my life without him. I still love the azz. Every instance of something funny or intersting or sad... whatever, my first reaction is to tell him. And then I remember that he doesn't give a sh*t what I say.

Dammit, I am more mad at myself that I can still hope for some kind of relationship with a liar, a cheat and someone that CHOSE to throw me and DD away like last weeks garbage.

I NEED those 2x4s. I know you care. Let me have 'em.

While the post is not directed at me,
I think we make excuses to ourselves about our
WS to allow us to put aside the pain of the situation. IMHO anyway...

Hi, FAA, I'm not LM, but I'll help you with a little dose of reality:

Your WS does what he does bc the things you do and say reflect that it is OK to not respect you.

The man is treating you the way you are behaving, not the way you think and feel, but by the way you behave.

I've watched your posts. You are so strong. You deserve to be treated well and with respect.

Please, take a good hard look at what your ACTIONS are telling him: each and every time you compromise your position by answering, LB'ing, contacting him, allowing him to contact you, responding to his 'baiting', on and on.... you are telling him your boundaries and self respect are challengable.....

This man's self respect is already diminished -- this is why the A, don't let him engage you.

Think about it this way: if I do 'X', what do I have? What do I get? ANSWER the question fully, thoroughly. For instance, If he calls me with a goding, and I answer with my typical answer, what do I get? Same ol' thing, right?

Get the point? Do the same thing, get the same thing.

Time for a change.

Whether it's with him or withut him. Determine What and Who you want to BE, and pursue that path!

I'm no direct LM.

Don't even know if I'm helpful.

But your WS is way out in left field. And without a radical, PLANNED strategy, retrieving him is a 10% (at best) proposal.

And as a 10yo me councelled my romantic, abuse-accepting Mom: "you can love him, but that doesn't mean you have to live with him."

2 cents.

That's all it's worth.

Restarting

Thanks TTSi. You are so right. I keep making excuses for the inexcusable behaviour.

Restarting. I had to think long and hard about this. And you have a point… Somewhat. Because of the distance thing with WH and me, Plan A has been impossible. Specifically because he will not communicate with me. Unless it is something he needs.

And that is what I find so difficult to work through. To give him some doubt about his decisions, I think he needs to see the new, improved me. But, on the other hand, he has destroyed the vows and commitments and the trust that we had. So the reality that I am looking at is do I want a liar and a cheat that has done this twice, in my life? But, that darned love thing gets in the way.

Just to let you know, I walk away or hang up when he is disrespectful,

FAA, you've PlanA'd and LB'd throughout this mess. Your S has seen plenty of what he may miss.

Let him miss it.

Do a week or two of PlanA if possible. If not, just go to a total, dark plan b.

For You.

A lot of life ahead. Don't waste it.

Have you had ANY positve feeback?


RS

fightingalone-again,

I'm not going to give you a 2x4--I'll leave that to LM (heehee). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I am going to suggest one thing, though, and I want you to just think about it. When I first separated from my ex, I thought I loved him too and for decades I did love him! But, what I kind of mistook for "love" was actually just not being able to imagine what life without him would be like. I was familiar with him, even if he was harmful and abusive to me; I knew what to expect and I could imagine it. I couldn't imagine life without him!

For me, it wasn't so much that I just decided one day to "let go" and "move on". I was afraid to think of what life would be like without him, but I decided to step OUT of the familiar and into the unknown.

Now, just so you can start to imagine it, here's what life is like without him:

I am a nightowl, and I can stay up late and sleep late and no one ridicules me.

I drink coffee and sip it slowly and no one yells at me to HURRY UP!

I drive at an enjoyable, leisurely pace without road rage or swearing, and I listen to Mix Music.

I SING ALONG at the top of my lungs because I like to sing, and no one tells me to stop.

I meet my co-workers and clients, and I work all day long with a little song in my heart and ENJOY my work. On days when work isn't "all good" I still don't have to go home to even more sadness.

I drive home and drink a Coke, because I LIKE COKE and no other reason. I do it because I like it!

I get home and either I make dinner, or my kids make dinner with me. It doesn't have to be a 3hour potroast--it could be just a HomeBake...or a bowl of CEREAL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I take off my shoes and leave them RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM and I don't get yelled at or humiliated.

I go day-by-day and my life is peaceful and quiet and happy and serene. I am happier than I could have imagined was even possible.

Speaking of happiness, here's what it's like. I wake up in the morning and pray, and I thank God for the day I'm about to live.

I go to work and love my clients and co-workers, and I whistle a little song in my heart.

I come home and LOVE my kids, and my home is like the Garden of Eden. It is beautiful and gardeny and lovely. I love my pets--my dog is SO HAPPY when I come home and sits on my lap, and my cat acknowledges my presence (what else do I expect from a cat??)

I have decorated my home in a way that *I* like. I have a voice in how my own home looks and feels, and I love that!

I can use my voice and say I'm not happy or didn't prefer this or that, and I'm safe! I'm happy to have a voice!!!

I go to bed at night thankful for the day I have lived, and I am also thankful for my cushy, comfy bed and snuggly, buggly comforters.

fightingalone-again, I could not imagine this kind of happiness, but I'm hoping that maybe if I tell you about MY happiness, you might imagine your own happiness and step into the unknown.


FNCJ

FAA - You'll figure this out. I find myself wondering if it's the love that keeps you fighting though or the desire to win. Wanting to share each moment with him may be as much habit as desire. Just a thought. I may be projecting too much of my personal revelations onto your situation, but think about it.
BTW - Would you be drinking one of those drinks you're going to make when you make it down to Tacoma? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FNCJ - Great post! I needed that tonight.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fightingalone-again:
<strong> Hey LM. I need your no Bullsh*T kick me in the azz approach right now.

LM, I know you have followed my sitch somewhat. I am trying to detach from the Dork. WTF is wrong with me. I keep coming up with excuses for his Dorkines.? I know I don't deserve this BS. I know that he does not deserve me. I know that I need to kick him to the curb. He!! my DD13 has told me to start dating so that I can find a REAL man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

What made you able to move on?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well FAA my girl, a 2 x 4 will NOT be forth coming from me. I think I get too bad of a rap for my 2 x 4-ing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> --> Totally undeserving...LOL. Ok, you want my opinion, I will give it.

A word of NOTE :For all of those of you who do NOT like reading my opinions, please do NOT read or comment on my response in this thread. If my opinions upset you...sorry in advance. My opinions have historically altered threads and I have been accused on more than enough occassions of thread jacking....LOL. This is FAA thread. PLease save your diatribes and energy for other people who it may benefit.
now back to our regular scheduled program.....

Well, to be honest the thing that really allowed me to move on was a PLAN B of sorts. I didn't know it at the time (I admittedly have never done the Harley strategies or plans), but ONLY when I removed myself from the chaos and complete and utter dysfunction did I make progress in my recovery.

I think in a serious way, you have been in your own kind of "fog" and are still in a little. Go back and read your posts from these past few months and read what you wrote and did. While many here applauded you for "fighting for your marriage" , what you did was IMHO bordering on insanity. You nearly had a national GOV't sue you. I am not being harsh here to make you feel bad. You know you are my girl here... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

The addiction theory and alien theory that is preached like gospel around here while having some merit is not something that ***I*** entirley buy or suscribe to. It is my opinion that continuing to belive in this absurdity fosters false hope and allows people to hope when there "is no hope". It helps to foster the extreme and utter devestation that have become the situations of good people like FIM, and Mschluter. Only when you accept your WH for "who he is"..........and not as who "you wish he was" can you see through your own fog.

Whether people want to belive it or not, the "aliens" here everyone talks about are the "aliens" that are getting ohter women pregnant, they are the ones not paying child support, they are the one's giving you STD's, they are the one's causing you public himiliation, they are the one's causing complete financial devestation. They are our WAYWARD SPOUSES. And while the nice little "alien" analogy everyone says here is cute....it is also reality.

FAA, I blamed alot of this $hit on my WW and the OM. I sat and stewed for many weeks wondergin how God could let this happen to me. HOW? I was the innocent man here. I did nothing wrong.....Well, that was all BS too.

It took me through personal IC and reading alot of self help books to find my way. I am an avid reader and have read so much in the area of infidelity and than much more on personal success. These are the things that I have discovered.

I am responsible for EVERYTHING that happens to me in my life....good or bad. YOU need to take 100% responsibility of your life....100%.

If there is an aoutcome I don't like that I nedded to see what I contributed to it and how am I going to react to. That is total control of my life in a nutshell.

FAA, you are struggling now with all of this and that is ok. It would be easy for me to stay-------> Stop pansy A$$ing around and get this DV overwith. That is what I truly feel, but I am always very reserved about letting my opinion on that topic come out from lock and key. I know you are a tough girl and can take it. I went throuhg the same pangs of pain when I would hear her name or people would ask about the situation. It took me to make my wife for all intents and purposes dead to me. It worked......my TOTAL PLAN B darkness.

My wife has recently been in my life because of family issues that we share (big wedding) and came out with every known trick and promises for forgiveness, and chagne and all of that BS. Well it fell on Deaths doors. NOPE, NADA, ZILH.....Harley's LOVE BACK CLOSED PERMANENTLY.

My quasi plan B gave me the stregth and self love to leave this marriage to this woman who helped cause me more pain that I will never be able to tell a living soul about. When I truly felt my love bank was closed I knew I was there. All of these months I prayed for this day one way or the other and when the money was on the table.....I just left it sit. I knew that day driving on the expressway home with some SEAL jamming and my 5 convertible roof down........I cried tears of joy becasue I knew then that I "made it".

For you FAA, you have to distance yourself from all of your WS and live your life in a new way, in a way where you don't let ALLOW him the power he holds to make you so "crazy"

YOu are a bright, articulate, and good person, so say those things to yourself every morning,

This is part of the road to my persoanl recovery. I would be happy to tell more if people so dersire on another thred.

Cheers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

P.s. Sorry if this is so bad, it is late and I am a litte tired and suck at typing anway

<small>[ February 20, 2005, 11:07 PM: Message edited by: lemonman ]</small>

Thanks, everyone. A good dose of reality is just what I needed.

FNCJ, FIM, Restarting. All great things for me to think about. I am not sure about the "winning" thing. BUt, probably has something to do with it.

Plan A? If I could a little bit, I would. As far as being on my own. That doesn't scare me in the least. I like my own company. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So thatbrings me to you, Lemonman.
Addiction? Fog, Yes, I think so. WOuld I do it again. Yes. WHy? Because I think the possibility of rebuilding a positive marriage is the right reason for trying with all you have.

As far as being insane to try so hard. I don't regret it for one minute. I did the honourable and right thing. I was committed to saving this marriage. WH was breaking the law with his actions. THat the military was prepared to make me the scapegoat for their actions, is not something I could have predicted.

So, today is another day. And although I am still hurting, I am one step closer to moving on. And, LM, I read between the lines. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And the word divorce don't kill me as much when I hear it. But, I will not do a darn thing to make it happen. Let him pay all the lawyer bills. I will eventually sign any papers.

I have no intention of going even more in debt to fulfill his wish. He wants it, he pays for it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

THanks again everyone.

P.S. FIM, YUP. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />