Please help! I am smart, stable, professional woman who unwittingly got ensnared into online affair. Trying to break emotional addiction of 3 month affair that abruptly ended when wife recorded instant message conversations. I knew it was wrong & was scared even as it was happening, but I couldn't stop. We both became emotionally attached and felt in love, even though we both knew we would not risk our families. Intellectually, I know I should be thankful that it ended now before we physically met (we did use webcams to see each other)or went on much longer, but still having painful withdrawal. Hour by hour I stop myself from calling, e-mailing him, etc. Last contact was 10 days ago by phone, but I'm on verge of calling. I want to e-mail & tell him my pain, miss him, etc. How do I stop myself? I feel I need additional closure from him. I want the hurt to stop, but I can't stand the thought of never having contact again. Sometimes I want to move on & forget it all, then other times I don't want it to end at all. Please help!

cards,
are you married ?
online stuff isn't all it's cracked up to be.
if his wife found out, and he's chosen NC, he's made his choice.

I know this is hard, you've lost something that became very addicting.

You're smart, as you've said, why don't you deserve more than an internet fling with a married man ?

It's 3 months..you have your whole life...real life...right in front of you.

A 3 month internet fling is not so serious, if you call, he will reject you, and you will feel worse than you do now.

Call a friend, take a long hot bath, more importantly, are you married, do you have children >?

Cards,

Are you married?

~ Snow

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cardsonly:
<strong> Please help! I am smart, stable, professional woman who unwittingly got ensnared into online affair.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cards, smart women don't get ensnared. You allowed yourself to get caught up in the fantasy. Don't sugar coat the affair you have engaged in. It was a decietful, disgusting thing to do. Keep it in that light and you'll find the will power to stay away.

~ Snow

Cards ~
There are times to listen to your heart, but in the upcoming months, you need to listen to your intellect. He's a married man and he chose his wife. Do you really want to try and plead with a man to leave his wife? Can you imagine how awful that will make you feel later? How are you going to feel if his wife calls and confronts you at your house or at your job? Better yet, why would you want to be with a man who cheated on his wife over the internet? Is he really all that special?

If you aren't married, there are so many more fullfilling relationships you could have. If you are, contacting the OM is such horrible thing to do to your husband.

I know it hurts right now, but it couldn't possibly be true love. You only saw the fantasy side of the OM over the internet, and not the real guy. Stand strong and don't call him. It can lead to nothing positive or rewarding. After a few weeks, the pain will diminish and you will be glad the A is over.

Cardsonly,

Welcome to MB although I’m sorry you need to be here. I have understanding and empathy with you since I was involved in an inappropriate on-line relationship myself (please read my signature line). I also understand how easily platonic friendships can unwittingly crossed boundaries into romantic love if not very cautious and careful. Shirley Glass (author of the book ''Not Just Friends'': Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal has said herself that ''The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,''. Also, emotional affairs develop quickly, in maybe a few days or weeks online, where it might take a year at the office, because there is safety behind the computer screen.

Please read this thread on withdrawal thoroughly. It will give you much insight and understanding in this process you’re currently going through and why you’re feeling the way you do. It also contains some quotes from Dr Harley about withdrawal.

Please don’t give into the urge to contact this man… Rather come to this board for help and support and if you feel like contacting OM, then post/vent on this board or contact your H instead. Or get a trusting same sex friend or confidant you can speak to. You will see this will get better with time and patience. It will also help if you can go to a trusting, professional outside person (like a counselor or pastor) to help you get your feelings out and to help & support you through this withdrawal process. Anti depressants can also be of much help. Please go to your Medical Practitioner if necessary.

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 04:19 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Hi Cards....
Along with what Suzet posted, I also found this from Dr Harley from this Marriage Builders website about online affairs.

You are not alone with your problem, asemail romances' are in epidemic proportion.

Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

*************************************************
Dear Dr. Harley,
I've been married for two years and have known my wife for almost ten years total. Several months ago I met a woman online. What started out as an interesting and casual correspondence has now become a highly emotional, rewarding and sexual relation. We exchange as many as 15 e-mails a day and have spoken on the phone several times. This woman lives in another country, so the chances of meeting her are in general quite slim, but she will be traveling to my area quite soon and we have discussed getting together.

I know it's wrong and I know it could destroy my marriage which I feel is a good one -- I love my wife and would never want to do anything to hurt her. Yet I feel absolutely compelled to meet this woman -- I simply have to see her. I'm completely torn at this point and emotionally frayed at the edges. Any suggestions?

S.R.


Dear S.R.,
You're right when you say, "it could destroy my marriage." E-mail romances are common and have ruined many marriages. As with most affairs, once the relationship gets real, it falls apart, but many marriages are already lost by the time that happens.

Affairs are addictions, both in real life and on the Internet. But the bottom line is that you must completely sever your relationship with this woman, as difficult as it will be for you to do. Even though you feel compelled to meet her, don't let the relationship go any farther than it already has.

You are addicted to this Internet woman because she meets your most important emotional needs. It's important for you to understand what she is doing that your wife should do for you. You're still in love with your wife because she meets some of your emotional needs, but the other woman meets other needs. That's why you love them both.

The solution is simple: Have your wife meet the needs met by the Internet woman. My book His Needs, Her Needs: Building and Affair-proof Marriage, explains how. If you feel depressed about it all (and you probably will), consider asking your doctor to prescribe an anti-depressant. It may sound extreme to you for me to suggest medication, but it's a lot better than your wrecking what you and your wife have and will have for the future. As soon as you sever ties with your Internet lover, you will probably feel an overwhelming sense of loss. But it only lasts a few weeks, and an anti-depressant helps relieve those symptoms of withdrawal.

You are certainly on the right track to recognize your Internet relationship as a compulsion. It is a compulsion, and the sooner you can get out of it, the better. Then, learn to add to your marriage what it is that you are missing. It will help prevent you from getting into a mess like this in the future.

*************************************************

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 05:50 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Also try this link:

Internet infidelity

Suzet

Thank you all for the advice. Most of what I knew, but needed to hear. Still struggling today with withdrawal & wanting to make contact. Feel the need for closure with OM since ending was so abrupt. Do I need closure and to say goodbye or am I just kidding myself? Suzette, thanks for thread of info, very helpful.

cards, i've been there, done that!!! you are just kidding yourself about closure. the only true closure is complete and solid NO CONTACT.

I know how hard it is, KEEP POSTING!!! don't contact him.

are you married?

YES! I'm married, 18 years, 3 kids! I have never even LOOKED at another man! This internet relationship took me COMPLETELY off guard. I am shocked at how I allowed myself to fall into it. My marriage has had its ups & downs, my husband battles family demons and spends lots of his energy on that. I've felt neglected over the years but thought I had just resigned myself to it. THEN, someone paid attention to me and talked to ME! I want to not want to talk to OM, but the pull is so great! Truly an emotional relationship, for me not wanting to let go. Not wanting to go back to the boring unfulfilling life I had. The fog? Is it the place between the fantasy of the affair, and the reality of my real life? Is it where I am fighting to stay in the fantasy and not face my real life?

Tell your H now.

You have that right some of the reasons you were vulnerable to an A. Time to work on those with your H.

The fog is you telling yoiurself it was OK to be inappropriate online...it's the rationale we use to allow ourselves to get caught up in something we would normally think is wrong.

The fantasy of the A are the wonderful brain chemicals that come from that new love, the addictive endorphins and adrenalin. The fantasy is all those things we tell ourselves about our A partner (he's perfect for me, we are soulmates, he understands me, how can it be hurtful , we love each other...) But the reality is that this R is like any other, and you can fall in love and out of love with anyone, and A's are VERY hurtful. Tell you H now, before he finds out on his own...

Cards
You did the right thing! You came to us. do it every time you need to talk. We are here for each other no matter what side of the fence brought you here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thank you RHMIKE & STILLHERE. My H knows, he actually discovered the A first, 2 weeks before OM wife did. H has been very supportive and is trying to help me, talking when I need it. Hard though, since I can't express the depth of my feelings toward the OM, real or not. He wants to work on M and has taken steps, but my brain is still withdrawing from OM and I don't feel love toward H. The depression from not getting "connected" every day from my online OM is subsiding. It's been 4 weeks since we were actively chatting & "seeing" each other. LC was almost 2 weeks ago by phone. I know that it's over, at least the way it was. But I seem to be holding on to the fact that we could still have contact by phone. My brain knows that I don't love HIM, I loved what he was giving me. But my heart tries to tell me that I liked him as a person, respected him, blah, blah, blah. Thank you for this site in order to express & receive advice. In just a few days it has been so helpful!

cards, you are in a good place here. and it sounds like your situation is extremely salvagable. it is ok to acknowledge that you don't feel love for your husband right now. but you also need to see, you can still act loving towards him and in doing that, you will start to feel it too. i swear, it is true!!!

your H wants to work on your marriage, what a blessing for you. i'm sure you know that, it's ok if you don't feel that now. give yourself sometime, you will get there. i bet His Needs/Her Needs or Five Languages of Love would be great for you both to read.

Thank you so much, Finally. I did crazy things while in the "fog" to immerse myself into the A, anything to make if feel more real (having his "scent", seeing his weather 2000 miles away, buying a webcam, etc). I am thankful he was so far, otherwise I'm quite sure we would have met and made things so much worse. I told myself all along that I was acting crazily. Was all that part of the missing EN's? My H & I have done the EN worksheet, but I don't want those things from him right now. For those months I didn't really care about anything except talking to him, nor did I look forward to anything else. Is that part of that fog? Now I have to make myself focus on the old family life and make myself look forward to real things in my life. Is that part of the withdrawal? THANK YOU!

It is an addiction, and like such, take it one day at a time...NC, NC, every moment, every day...step by step.

Printout the EN questionnaire and you and H fill it out and start fulfilling eachother's top 3 EN's.

Fake it at first...the love will return!

Fake it till you make it.

It was not the OM you are addicted to, but the thought of a person out there fulfilling your most important EN's. Let your H be that man.

cards,

I can relate to your situation personally.

I myself got involved in an internet EA. Though I never felt nor declared love for this person. I was addicted to talking to him.

As with ANY addiction there is going to be a time of withdrawl. That time though depends on you only though. Especially if you keep up on not contacting the OM. That is essential. ANY contact with him at all will send you back to day 1 of withdrawl.

My situation was a little different as....when my H discovered it....it ended immediately....no contact at all from that day on.

You said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now I have to make myself focus on the old family life and make myself look forward to real things in my life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One thing you need to remember is that "the old" family life isn't what you should be focusing on.....the NEW life is what you need to focus on because none of it is ever going to be the same again.

You look forward to the changes that need to be made and will be made....and the fact that you and your H are now focused on making your M better.

Please do focus on these things NOW....take charge of them and fix them NOW.

My H and I did not.....and in the end he ended up having his own A.

3 years and 4 months into recovery and our relationship is completely different than it ever has been......but you both have to make it work.....and it is work.....but it's well worth it.

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

MORE HELP, PLEASE! I'm still talking myself into calling OM. I am plotting to call tomorrow when I know OMW is working and he can be online. I want to be strong, but I want him to answer some questions for me. Why do I think I need that??!! Why can't I let go of the thought of him when I know we'll never be together? I'm not sure if I would even choose him if we met in real life!! Tell me why I shouldn't call him!!

Cards,
DO NOT CONTACT HIM!! Contact will mean that the pain you have felt for the last two weeks will be for nothing and the clock on withdrawl from your addiction will start all over again. Do you really want to relive the last two weeks again? Other reasons not to call:

1) You are married and your husband will be hurt terribly when he finds out you contacted OM. Hasn't he been through enough already, with so much more hurt to deal with going forward?

2) OM is married and if he wanted to contact you, he would have by now. He doesn't want to talk to you. His wife doesn't deserve this.

3) Your need for "closure" is your mind trying to justify getting contact with OM again. You are still addicted and trying to rationalize contact. You have closure already. The A was wrong and it needed to stop. That is done already.

4) You have children - someday you will want to look in the mirror and say, "yes I made a huge mistake, but it's over and on (date) I behaved like an ethical and smart wife and mother." Don't drag this out any further. Don't add pathetic chasing to your bad memories.

5) Listen to your words..."plotting" "when I know his wife isn't there." It's seedy and dirty, conniving and irresponsible.

6) Stop romantisizing this OM. He cheated on his wife.

Time to start looking down the road to your husband. You can only do that at 100% strength after your withdrawls are over. Until then you are going to think your husband is second best because of the fog and addiction you are in.

Final reason - contact with OM equals failure. It isn't the right thing to do. End this obsession and keep busy with other things tomorrow. You are dangerously close to chasing a man who doesn't want you and jeopardizing you M.

Hang in there - I know it's hard. Listen to your brain and not your heart right now.