Hi Win,
Thanks for sharing. I am sorry for your pain though. D-Day is a tough day, isn't it? I'll never forget that day as long as I live, when two separate lives come crashing together in a like a multi-car pile up on the freeway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It forces a decision though, doesn't it? It becomes a choice between one lifestyle or another; fix a broken marriage or try the unknown. There can be only one path. Some on this board try "cakeeating" or trying to keep up doing both. It never works, and they sure look like fools trying.

For me, I chose to try and fix what was broken. It's the harder path that's for sure. Once you become separated from H emotionally, it's very hard to reconnect. I struggle sometimes with various aspects, but time is on my side.

How about you? Have you decided which path you are choosing yet?

Hi Mary, thank YOU for writing. I am so glad, too, that there are others dealing with this. It seems like the principles to follow are the seem with our online EA's, but there are differences. My experience was SO intense & emotional that sometimes I can't identify with what other people are expressing about their physical affairs. As I said in an earlier post, I have NEVER even looked at another man or considered an affair. Like you said, no one in a million years would ever believe I would have been involved like this. It was unimaginable to me, and I still can't really understand how it happened. Of everyone I know, I am the stable one and the one they come to for help!! Anyway, please keep posting here, WINBIN , too! We need each other because we're in the same place of pain. I know I willingly gave into this, but sometimes I feel victimized too! This site has been invaluable to me & many have given me encouragement. I will write later. Thank you all! Keep writing!

Sounds like we are all in a similar place at the moment. I have choosen to try and work on my marriage. There was never really a consideration or discussion of running off w/ my OM and living with him in his parents basement! Though, I can't say I haven't thought about ways it could have worked out. I'm going to try and stay with H, and start from scratch with the marriage.

I know how you feel Mary about the emails. I still keep looking for him. And if I see him online I will talk to him I'm sure. However most of our online chats lately are just about music and stuff. WE both know it's over. He's moved on, which is good. Can't say that it doesn't hurt though. And can't say I don't miss him terribly, even just the friendship.

I'm glad there's others out there who know how I feel! It's hard to talk to anyone else about it, they don't understand.

It would be great if we could all set up a live chat sometime. I think it would be really helpful.

win

Cardsonly and others.
I think all of us that are writing on this thread are the definition of an EA.(Emotional Affair.)

The OM and I have never so much as touched hands.
So of course we have NEVER kissed. (But we have discussed how wonderful touches and kisses would be.)

Dreamers, just a couple of foolish dreamers!
A fantasy world as we should know, all online affairs eventually end. We live hundreds and hundreds of miles apart.

I would never want my H to read the romantic notes we have written back and forth.

And someone on your thread said they are all in the hard drive. That scares me, if I would die, and he would check the hard drive and see these messages! I feel sorry for you that have had to endure your H reading your emails but maybe that was the first step in HEALING your marriage?

How did we let ourselves get this attached to someone other than our beloved Husbands?

There must have been a big void in our hearts or it would have never happened.

Maybe we just wanted and needed this attention from another man to make us feel more like feminine and desirable women.

I don't know but I sure got hooked by this shy fellow that had never emailed with a woman; I taught him a lot, maybe that is why he is better able (more confident) to move on with his life (after the death of his wife) with another lady.

I do wish him happiness, YET, even so, I WILL MISS HIS KIND WORDS AND ATTENTION.

Mary <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Mary, you wrote about soaking up the affection & compliments. That's EXACTLY what I did. I got attention from someone. I wasn't getting it from my H, and hadn't for quite some time. I felt like the servant at home, doing everything for H & kids, etc. Someone wanted ME and wanted to talk to ME. Even though I was extremely skeptical at first (I constantly asked him what he wanted from me), he always answered "just your conversation". He always told me it was his "pleasure" just to talk to me. He didn't even know what I looked like, even though he had a webcam & I could see him. I was convinced it wasn't about sex because he never even talked about wanting to "see" me. Eventually, though, I wanted him to see me so I posted photos of myself in the IM display. That fueled it further because we were physically attracted to each other. Since we saw each other we believed and trusted each other. We had both been honest about who we were & what we looked like. I eventually bought a cam so we could both talk & see each other at the same time. I guess it was our way of getting as close as possible to each other.

As far as getting back to my M, it will be a lot of work for us. My H & I have been disconnected for a long time. We hadn't been at odds with each other, we had just drifted apart with the whole raising the kids & life thing. We will have to find our way back to each other. The attention, the compliments, the being desired by another man is what totally reeled me in.

Today, my H & I did errands together which was nice. My kids, (11, 11, & 13) are finally able to stay at home alone for awhile. We need to take advantage of that to do things together.

I think of my online OM on & off all day long. I think about what he's doing in his time zone, and I associate parts of my days to him & talking to him. I would never have guessed this would be so difficult.

Winbin.

I had written my message above before I read yours.

I hope you and your H can work everything out.
Since he KNOWS that should help you to stay away from online talk with OM. Does it?

I have never been to a 'chat room' but it is probably best if we just keep posting here as there may be others out there that are hurting and just reading this thread, that haven't decided yet to join in.

Please if you are reading and need some personal help, come and write your story.

I have been reading here for a long time before deciding to get an ID and password today.

Mary

I keep being behind a post.

Just read yours Cardsonly.

I totally understand.

OM and I have had several phone conversations, I love his voice. I did see him at the alumni but didn't talk to him.
I will see him in June of this year at the alumni. (Scary) (But there will be hundreds of people there.)
His mom was my children's Kindergarten teacher but I never knew her son as he was out of school long before me.

We have emailed pictures and I will admit I emailed one of my bare bosoms! He NEVER asked me to, I wanted to. I was the aggressor I think.

I can't believe I did that. UNREAL really!

I guess it is like women that write Romance novels, use their sexual imagination and that is similar to what I did with my OM. I took him on a little adventure! I was on an exciting secret adventure also. He certainly unleashed MY sexually. WHEW!

My husband sees me more as a companion than a lover. Oh well.~sigh~ I know I should try harder, for him to see this sexual side of me.
But so many years together, it is just kinda ho hum.

Mary

<small>[ March 05, 2005, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: ItWon'tRainAlways ]</small>

Winbin, like you,my OM & me KNEW we would NEVER leave our families to be together. We acknowledged that to each other on several occasions. So as I felt becoming attached, why didn't I stop? I guess I was so addicted and couldn't. But in the back of my mind I was scared, I knew I was becoming so vulnerable to be hurt. We rarely e-mailed each other, 99% of our contact was him IM me. I was online at home & work most of the day, so he would find me. I think I was even more vulnerable because I felt in so little control.

Mary, has your OM told you it's ending, or are you sensing it? Mine feels somewhat not finalized. I wish to feel strong enough and resolved enough to decide for myself that it is over. I hate the fact that I feel powerless and that at his whim I would talk to him again.

Sorry to blab, maybe this chatting is helping replace the chatting with my OM!! Thanks!

Cards, I think you had said earlier or someone else did about leaving one relationship that is good, exciting, giving affection, for one that is nearly dead and unfulfilling, is very hard. I wasn't sure at first if I even wanted to try because I had been hurt soo much by H, emotionally time after time. I still have a lot of resentment built up and he expects me to jump back into his arms happily, because he has decided to change. I keep reminding him that its gonna take lots of time to build back the love.

But first I feel like i have to "withdrawl" or grieve from OM. Good or bad, I've never broken up with someone, since H and I have been together since I was 16. So this is rather new to me. I have to get over it first before I can move on, I guess. Do you guys feel that way?

And is it wrong to cherish all the good things you got from OM? It's part of my life now, it happened I can't just shove it in the corner. Not to mention, he gave me a ton of music I still listen to, which i love.

As far as NC, he seems to have stopped talking to me, which is good I guess. But hurts a lot. I really value his friendship along with the love, but hate to lose both. I think I just realized only the last couple days that it is really over.

I'm going on a business trip for a few days with a friend, to Vegas of all places. But I think it will be good to get away from both H and OM for a while. Maybe I'll come back with a clearer head! OH and more $$

--win

Cards,

Yah my OM and I IM'd mostly. I would email him,but he would never respond. I think fearing that my H might see it. I was always looking for him, he was never on enough for me! Then when we could we would talk on the phone, mostly late at night, where he was the most affectionate. Those are what I miss the most.

He had talked a couple times about running away with me but not in a serious way. My situation is kinda different. Hes a 20yr old college student. As much as he loved me, he didn't want someone that much older than him, and with kids! We knew this, but still, could not stay away from eachother. He was lonely and had a bad breakup and I was in a lonely marriage. The EA was enough to keep us in it and happy.

Wow, You guys are really helping me sort all this out! And its helpful, being a former IM junkie to be albe to chat with someone(s)!!

--win

Mary, I have to admit that I liked the flirting involved with my EA. Being desired by someone else is a wonderful feeling. He constantly told me he was "turned on" just by talking to me. who wouldn't melt? I would have to say my H & my relationship was a similar companionship-type relationship like yours. We were way past "desiring" each other. So that is another area we will have to work on. I have discovered so much about my needs in the last few weeks. I think so many of my needs were not being met, but I didn't realize it. Then when someone did meet them, then STOPPED meeting them - WOW withdrawal in a big way!

Cards & Mary,

I'm with you on that one! I think with an EA you can't help but be attracted physically. I do admit I really, really, miss his voice. Luckily he sang some songs and gave them to me so I could still hear it. Probably not a good thing to do, lol. He also sent me video of his band so to put all the pieces together can make them irrisistable. And also nice we didn't have to deal with any of their flaws they have in real life.

I think it feels nice to be attractive to another man, I mean who doesn't like it? Especially if things are ho hum with H. Actually my phone calls with OM helped H and I come together physically. I was happy and ready for fun! Now to start from scratch is more difficult. One day at a time!

-win

Win, go back to page 1 of this & find Suzet's post where she links to a thread of withdrawal (I don't know how to link it!). It was very helpful in explaining what we're going through. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" also talks extensively about it. I checked it out from the library last weekend & it has been very helpful. Today I got the book "Not Just Friends" which was recommended several times in all these posts. I feel compelled to read and understand what has happened to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm overdoing it, but then I do think it's helping me heal. And if I weren't reading & writing I would be maybe calling & e-mailing my OM.

I also hunted around on this site and found some great reading about how we get in the "fog" about what we are doing. How we justify it and compromise our beliefs. This was enlightening to me because I struggled with this constantly. I consider myself to be moral with strong values (my OM is a very religious Christian, too) and was confused about what happened to my thinking. I printed it out and will look it up and tell you where to find it.

I have learned so much in the last week just by talking & reading here. It's also scary, though, that my H & I have so much work to do. I am definitely still in withdrawal, though, because I still do not want to give up my OM. The depression has lessened, but I still think of him constantly. I can't imagine NEVER talking to him again, and I can't imagine being in love with my H. I hope this will all change!

cards, i have not been keeping up too much but it sounds like you are doing really good. Good for you!!!! i just wanted to say HI and tell you I'm really happy for you. I know how hard it is but you are doing it!!!

Cards,

I have read and reread the withdrawl article and have just purchased one of the books. I'm still there right in it. It's only been a couple weeks and I hope this is the worst of it.

I know what you mean about OM. I think about him a lot too, and can't imagine never speaking to him again, even just as friends. And H and I have a lot of work to do as well, but I was also thinking that divorce is even more work, and doesn't always mean it would be a better solution. I realize we just have to try and go through the steps and if it doesn't work out, at least we tried.

Sounds like once we get past the fog and withdrawl we will be more able to work on the M with H. I'm sure hoping!

It just takes time, just as it too time to develop the EA, it will take time to get out of it and move on.

-win

Mary, I re-read your 1st post. It sounds like you are feeling lots and lots of guilt. You also sound remorseful. From what I've read on this site & from the posts of these experienced helpers, it sounds like the road to recovery starts with being honest with your H. I don't know if that's possible for you or not. I have to say that I know what I've done is wrong, but I have not felt tremendous guilt (yet). Maybe because I am too wrapped up in withdrawal and concentrating on trying to have NC. Maybe because my H does know about the EA. He doesn't know that I continued contact after he discovered. He doesn't know exactly when it started, and he certainly doesn't know the depth of my feelings for OM. He has been wonderfully supportive, and has taken some responsibility for the bad shape of our M.

It must be hard for you to mask what you're feeling-the depression & withdrawal. Does your H notice your moods?

I am so glad to have you all to talk to. I have friends, but can't imagine anyone understanding this. If a friend of mine would've come to me with this problem, I don't know what I would have thought! Thank you!

It is Sunday morning and we will be going to church like we always do.
Cardsonly, my OM is also involved in his church. He is friends with his pastor, goes for breakfast with him, so I relate to what you are saying about our 'secret' life and stepping away from the morals we have always believed in.

I really feel guiltier about NOT FEELING GUILTY. I would feel terrible if my H knew.
But since he doesn't, I think I would have had this online romance and even with the hurt
I feel now, I think I would still go down that same old road.

And yes, it isn't officially over yet between OM and me. I know he will be emailing this week, probably his lady friend is around and he is unable to. So I am STILL in this affair.

This message board is predominately betrayed spouses, very few posts are written by the BS. So in a way, maybe this thread, although it must sicken the BS to hear what we are saying, (like how I sent the OM a light blue silky nightie of mine and he put it on his pillow and pretending he was holding me close all night; called it his Mary pillow and spayed my perfume 'Longing' on it.

At least our inner thoughts and feelings will give some understanding and insite of WS thinking, how we are SO CAUGHT IN THIS WEB.

As Abe Lincoln said "What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive."
That is sure true.

When I disconnect, I always have to remember to go to TOOLS, INTERNET OPTIONS, DELETE FILES and CLEAR HISTORY. And then when my H goes to use the computer, I always fear that I forgot and left my email acct or this MB open.

I won't be on again today til later, as after church we are going to our daughter's and to see the grandchildren.

Mary

P.S. How did you guys pick your ID name? Mine was from a song I heard on a gospel public TV show yesterday. It was a beautiful Gaither song that made me cry: "It won't rain always"

Please read the post above also.
It was getting long so I am making it a second message.

Cardsonly, I read your posts again and if your OM's wife actually read the messages you and he were writing, he is in a lot of trouble with her! I am sure he still CARES for you yet he has to walk the straight and narrow or he is going to lose his wife. You don't want that to happen.

Does he know your real name? He could find your phone number on Switchboard.com if he wanted to call you, true? Or call you at your work. Or he could email you from a different computer than his home computer so you have just got to believe he would rather you NOT contact HIM.

It is a hard pill to swallow after all the fun and loving conversations you and he had. I think he is just SCARED for his life; his life the way it is right now and he doesn't want to lose what he has and end up alone, perhaps she has threatened telling others.

You are doing the right thing to stay in NO CONTACT. I hope someday, though, you get the closure that you need, since it stopped so abruptly. Just be very patient and give it lots of time. I think someday you will hear from him again and he will give you a PROPER GOODBYE.

Mary

Hello ladies,

I just wanted to drop a in and say WOW! Your posts have been VERY insightful for me and I Thank You.

My H was(hopefully not still is) involved in an online affair with a woman who lived thousands of miles away. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I thought we had a great M but now see where I was blind - so I am very actively working on making those changes.

In the meantime, I am so impressed with the power of these EA's by your posts. I have been able to use your experiences constructively in a way that allows me to sympathize with what he must be going through. Last night I was able to offer that understanding to him by telling him about your thread so he would know that I am here for him. He responded very well, and admitted that the original contact was in fact broken - but for the first time he wasn't defensive and i didn't get upset, I just offered my support. He is sooooo stressed emotionally as well as physically - and it pains me to see him go through it but now I can understand why.

I hope you don't mind if I drop in once in awhile to help me better understand his pain.

Thank you so much!

Mary, thanks for writing. My name was a joke between OM & I. We met playing cards online. When we began to realize how we were feeling about each other and talking about it, I would always say "how did this happen, I was just playing cards"! Not so funny now!

I agree with you that much of the conversation on here is from BS, and certainly they need this forum. I'm glad that a few of us were able to connect on this thread & feel free to talk without being judged. I feel guilt about not feelng guilty too.

Thank you so much for your directness regarding my OM. YES, he could find a way to contact me if he really to. I know that, and that's probably what hurts so much. I try over & over to put myself in his shoes and imagine what is going on in his home. He had had PA's in the past, too. So she is probably much less forgiving than my H. Yes, he's probably scared to death of losing everything. I certainly don't want that for him. I think that is one of the things that stops me from contacting. What if by some small chance she finds out I called & that was the last straw? I DON'T want his life ruined & and I don't want him showing up on my doorstop! I guess I just want validation of what we had. How silly. And if he didn't want any contact, why DIDN'T he say "Don't call me, don't e-mail me!"?. Why did we plan to meet on the site? Maybe he didn't have the resolve at that time. It's quite possible he can't do anything on his pc if she has an online recorder. I guess it doesn't matter, he's not been there. That should be my answer. I SHOULD be HAPPY that he is stronger than me, and sparing both our families a lot MORE pain!

It's so illogical - I would never consider giving up everything I have to be with him, so why can't I use that sense and just let it go?

It may be harder for your situation in that it sounds like the EA could be more drawn out. Will that be more painful in the long run than just stopping it dead in its tracks? The withdrawal may last longer unless you are able to get to a point to say it's over. Or maybe he will come to that conclusion. So you are kind of in limbo, knowing that it may be over soon but not knowing how long.

Although I don't WANT to let go yet, I DO want to get to the point that I decide it's over. Will we get there after the withdrawal? You seem very strong and seem to understand exactly what happened to you and why. I keep wondering if I need ind counselling, do you think of that for yourself? I seriously considered seeing someone about a week ago, at least for anti-depressants. But I have to say that the actual depression is much better in just a week. It has been helpful to be on this site. I hope that's progress.

Take care, talk to you soon.