luv2bd:

Your H is lucky to have you. If he's going through what we're going through, it is withdrawal. I have never been addicted to anything in my life, until this. It is unbelievable that it is like a drug - in fact it is a chemical reaction in our bodies. The feeling I had during those "wonderful" weeks was like being a teenager in love, but even more intense than that. It was a world of confusion, though, since I had a full life to lead at the same time. Anyway, he is probably withdrawing too. Have him read these posts & contribute if it would help him. On page 1, Suzets post has a link about the withdrawal.

Again, you are wonderful to try & understand & help him. My H is trying his hardest to help and understand, too. I think he is trying to downplay it in his mind, though. I'm glad for that if it causes him less pain, but it makes me need more outlets (like this). We have gone through the "emotional needs" survey and he is trying hard to work on himself.

Take care!

Cardsonly,
Yes I can see the signs of withdrawal in him very clearly but I'm pretty sure he doesn't understand it at all. I want so badly to show him Suzettes withdrawal post but I don't think he would take well to me "educating" him right now. i offered to show him this thread and he said he wasn't ready for that now, so I respect it. I'm not going to push, I'll just stand strong for him.

It's comforting to see you guys talk about "feeling guilty about not feeling guilty" because it has been so hard for me to not see remorse, but now I get it, it's just part of the whole process.

We're taking baby steps right now, and I'm being very respectful of his need to do that - I had always had a tendency to want to push him. Hopefully when he's ready we can do the EN surveys and learn more about MB TOGETHER. For now, I'll be patient.

If you have any suggestions on what you need (or don't need) from your spouses to help get you through this, it would be very helpful.

I applaud the courage you all have to be here and face this monster straight in the face. Keep up the good work!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cardsonly:
<strong> YES! I'm married, 18 years, 3 kids! I have never even LOOKED at another man! This internet relationship took me COMPLETELY off guard. I am shocked at how I allowed myself to fall into it. My marriage has had its ups & downs, my husband battles family demons and spends lots of his energy on that. I've felt neglected over the years but thought I had just resigned myself to it. THEN, someone paid attention to me and talked to ME! I want to not want to talk to OM, but the pull is so great! Truly an emotional relationship, for me not wanting to let go. Not wanting to go back to the boring unfulfilling life I had. The fog? Is it the place between the fantasy of the affair, and the reality of my real life? Is it where I am fighting to stay in the fantasy and not face my real life? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I'm not sure how to reply to these posts so please bear with me. I to had an online affair but it became physical after 2 months of talking to the OM. We saw each other for 8 months off & on as he lives 2000 miles away from me. I am now going thru the withdrawal and have become sucidal at times. I haven't talked to him since Monday and yesterday was the year anniversary of us meeting in person. I just don't know how to let him go as I loved him very deeply. I've been married 20 yrs and have so much to lose. I can't explain why I let the affair happen, my hubby worships the ground I walk on and treats me like a queen. I so lost and confused. I NEED HELP

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cardsonly:
<strong> YES! I'm married, 18 years, 3 kids! I have never even LOOKED at another man! This internet relationship took me COMPLETELY off guard. I am shocked at how I allowed myself to fall into it. My marriage has had its ups & downs, my husband battles family demons and spends lots of his energy on that. I've felt neglected over the years but thought I had just resigned myself to it. THEN, someone paid attention to me and talked to ME! I want to not want to talk to OM, but the pull is so great! Truly an emotional relationship, for me not wanting to let go. Not wanting to go back to the boring unfulfilling life I had. The fog? Is it the place between the fantasy of the affair, and the reality of my real life? Is it where I am fighting to stay in the fantasy and not face my real life? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

confusedwoman, I hope you read the whole thread starting from the beginning. Read the link about withdrawal so you understand why you're feeling like you do. My heart goes out to you, I feel what you're feeling. I can tell you that my OM & I have not actively chatted for 4 weeks, now. My withdrawal began then when I had to get over not having the daily contact. I was extremely depressed. Then I had to deal with being in limbo - is it over? is he coming back onine? What an emotional rollercoaster! I last talked by phone to him 17 days ago, where we sort of said goodbye but sort left if open. So I am still kind of in a limbo. It has been excruciatingly painful. BUT, I have seen progress just in the last week. Allowing me to express here has helped me immensely, so many angels here with support. There are now a handful of us on this thread that are on this side of the coin-we're looking for help even though we did the betraying.

Tell more of your story if you need to, it helped me. Several of us are going through the exact same thing.

How/why did your EA/PA end? There are others here who had year long online EA's. Your withdrawal and pain must be so great. Even though mine lasted 3 or so months & there was not a physical meeting, I can't imagine MORE pain & withdrawal. Read the advice in these postings about counselling & anti-depressants, maybe you should consider. I haven't done either, but was on the verge. Write us back!

Confusedwoman,
I'm so sorry you are in such pain right now. I know just how you feel.

My OM lived 2,000 miles away as well, and most of our contact was either over the phone or e-mail, although we did meet once in person for a few days. I have been married almost 19 years now and never thought I would get involved with something like this. I am a professional businesswoman who lost my touch with reality. I take full responsibility for my actions, and I have been trying so hard to break free of the emotional hold this OM had over me. I feel I am almost there after 8 weeks of NC, but goodness it's been a long couple of months.

I'm worried about you and your mentioning hurting yourself. Please take your pain very seriously and go see a counselor right away. The first week of withdrawl I couldn't stand it any longer and went to an IC. I felt a whole lot better after that first visit. Believe me: this pain will go away and you will feel better after some time.

Through counseling and anti-depressants, this web site and the love of my H, my marriage is on a good path towards recovery. Gotta let go of OM first though - it just can never be.

I am reading the book "His Needs/Her Needs" right now (written by Dr. Harley who runs the Marriage Builders program). It has been enlightening to me about why A's happen. It is such a fantasy relationship.

Keep in touch and hang in there. You can break free.
GS

Luv2bd ~
How hard it must be to be the betrayed one, and to watch your WS grieve over someone else. My H did the same and now I totally appreciate how unfair that it to you.

I just wanted to let you know that it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Not pushing, or Lovebusting as they say here on MB. It wasn't until I felt safe to talk with my H, did the real and honest discussions take place. By safe I mean that I felt he wasn't going to explode in anger, disrespect what I was saying, argue, leave, etc.

At the beginning, during the height of my withdrawl and depression, he did push for info and explanations. The more he pushed, the more I fled. Since then, we've talked a lot.

As far as the not feeling guilty part: I didn't at first, but as the withdrawl and fog are lifting I do now. And I've heard others say that later, it hits like a ton of bricks. Part of the rollercoaster.

Today I told my husband that while our M had problems, I don't blame him for any part in my decision to have an A. I could have addressed my unhappiness in other ways...like talking to him about it and trying to fix it. I also told my H that while I did feel "swept away" by the A, I take full accountability for my actions. I could have stopped any time, but didn't. Your H will get there too I bet.

Keep in touch. I did just want to commend you for your understanding and patience. It is a blessing to him that he'll probably tell you later saved your marriage.
GS

'Gentlesoul' (that is what you are) You are our (us WW) inspiration that, given time, the heartache will ease and our marriage can once again be our first focus.(Suzette, you are our guiding light also.)
Gentlsoul, what is your complete story about how you got involved online with the OM and then out of the relationship?

I can remember being 16 and how it felt when my boyfriend of a year, broke up with me. The same feeling of rejection that I am feeling now. The same ache inside my stomach, like an actual pain.

I have been waking up in the night with chills and covered with sweat. And my life on the outside, for my family (playing blocks with grandchildren yesterday) and friends (at church) to see, I put on a happy face and act 'normal' around them. I try to keep occupied with household tasks and working some outside when it is nice enough. (Like yesterday was a warm Spring like day.)

'luv2bd', your letter made me cry; such an understanding of your H's online affair. I have read many threads that speak of the OW as 'pond scum' and the 'devil'. Actually most of us are nice loving ladies that made bad choices and are now paying the price. Could you tell us more? And how did his affair end? By her or him?

'Confused woman'. Tell us more of your story. What happened to end the relationship? How did you meet if you live 2000 miles apart? My H and I have NEVER spent a night apart except when I was in the hospital having babies!
And don't think for a minute, that we look DOWN on you because you slept with the OM because most of us would probably have crossed that line also if we had had the opportunity!

I am looking forward to hearing from all of you ladies that have written previously, and anyone else that is just lurking and thinking of joining in. THIS IS A SAFE THREAD!
And maybe there is a man just holding back from posting.
Come on in, you are WELCOME here!
We can help one another get back on track!

Cardsonly I know for me, when this online affair with my widowed man ends, I will HAVE TO HAVE CLOSURE, a proper Good-bye. I could not stand to be in a state of limbo the rest of my life; WONDERING. I need words, even a kick in the pants!
I will write in another post how I would want that good bye to be and say.

MARY

Mary, unbelievable! I was sitting here finishing an e-mail to my online OM. I have a bunch of them never sent, but this one was going out right now! Just then I was alerted to the new post-yours. So as I sit here, I am temporarily stopped to send that e-mail. It is the one where I am trying to get that CLOSURE. As luck would have it, I am home today with a sick child, giving me all sorts of time on my hands. Either way, I was going to call him one last time or e-mail him.

I actually had a fairly good weekend, better than any in the last month. The sheer depression is much better & I didn't obssess about OM as much. I feel as though I am starting to let go, but the need to say what I feel to him is still there! Like Suzet's situation, it isn't about begging & pleading for him to come back to me! As I said awhile ago, I don't WANT him showing up on my doorstep. I think it is the abruptness of it all, and the finality of thinking that I will never talk to this person again that I care about. I DO believe that some feedback from him, even negative, would help me let go.

So, here I am in a quandary again, not knowing what to do. Am I just being week (again)? I don't want to break the NC after 18 days. Maybe I'm thinking that the e-mail is one way. He most likely will NOT respond to it-we rarely e-mailed each other. Maybe I'm too afraid to call, afraid that if I hear his voice it will send me back through all that horrible withdrawal. No, I don't want to relive all those painful weeks again.

Mary, you are smart getting in touch and preparing yourself for the end of your EA. I wish I had had the sense to realize how difficult it would be. I could've armed myself with some knowledge of what I would be experiencing. Of course, I was in the "fog" and not really believing it would ever end.

Have a good day!

Mary, just reading your post again. I know how you feel, trying to do the normal life things while being in that "fog/withdrawal". In my last phone call with my OM I told him I needed to talk to him because there is no one else to talk to. That must be how you're feeling, too, right now. I have the advantage that my H knows about the EA & has been willing to talk about it. He doesn't know the depth of it, but at least he has given me space when I've been really down. Keep going forward, believe it or not, I can see that time really does help. I have been having to MAKE myself do things and go places. Even if I didn't want to, I knew that THIS is the life I am living. Not the online life.

Cards, you just have to do what YOU feel is the right thing to do; only YOU have that answer.

I have read about people taking anti-depressants and I think it is by far best, to get through life's hurts and tragedy's (withdrawal from OM) without them.

A doctor told my sister, when her husband died suddenly of a heart attack, that he NEVER gives 'drugs' for at least 3 months because grief and sadness is part of the natural process.

If it lingers after 3 months, he would consider that it might be depression and would consider anti-depressants.

That made sense to me.

The doctor also recommended a Bendryl allergy tablet before going to bed, just to relax and get sleepy. I have taken one several nights, and it does seem to help some.

Yep, life goes on, the sun keeps shining, the world keeps turning, as folks keep bearing heartaches every day and doing the best they can to be happy and productive and hide their sorrows.

MARY

Well, I just got done reading this thread, and wanted to post what I hope is a "bit of hope" to all of you ladies dealing with this.

I'm the BS in my situation...my wife had an online emotional affair that I discovered about 10 months ago.

It started out with online gaming. We'd been married 17 years, and she was feeling a lot like you were Cards. She felt as though I didn't love her (not true, but it was a matter of not properly meeting each other's EN's). She was home all the time alone during the day, and she met someone in game that she began to spend a lot of time with.

They would make arrangements to play together a lot, and finally began conversations via IM's, end eventually got to the point where they were calling each other fairly regularly.

They had been to the point where they were convinced that they were in love with each other for about two months when I finally got the proof of the affair in a chat log conversation that I managed to capture on her computer. Needless to say, reading that log hurt me more than anything you can possibly imagine.

When I confronted her about it, the two of them IMMEDIATELY made plans for her to go live with him...although they had never once met face to face! (she had ONE digital picture of him...he had a few of her)Long story short, she moved out of the house for about a week before she was supposed to fly away, but ended up staying. It took another month and a half before the NC FINALLY stuck. It was always something...every week, they'd both agree to NC...and every week, one of them would break it.

I know that they've not had contact now for 8 months. But here's the hope I promised you... You see, once my wife made it through the withdrawl, and completely ended contact with the OM, our marriage HAS gotten much better. We didn't know about this site then, but I've used it and others to help me get a handle on what we've gone through. Marriage counseling is a MUST, IMO, if you're going to recover from this.

She's glad she stayed home...glad she didn't leave, glad that our love was strong enough to survive this test. And I honestly think that you'll end up feeling the same way, Cards. Just hang in there, don't give up on your husband. It sounds as though he loves you dearly. And realize that right now, you're hard pressed to seperate your feelings to KNOW what you're feeling for him.

Please, get to counseling ASAP. Find someone who understands infidelity,and can help the both of you find out what EN's you had that weren't being met. And find ways to fix them.

A great book that helped my wife and I a lot..."20 (Surprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools For a Great Marriage by Dr Steve Stephens". Take a look at that. My wife and I were astounded at how many of those things we started doing on our own after we began re-building our marriage. And at how doing a lot of those might have prevented the affair in the first place.

Hang in there...dont give up, don't break down and contact the OM. He's not what you need in your life. You've already got a man willing to meet all your needs. All you've got to do is to get back to the point where you'll let him.

OOPS LOL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cardsonly:
<strong> Please help! I am smart, stable, professional woman who unwittingly got ensnared into online affair. Trying to break emotional addiction of 3 month affair that abruptly ended when wife recorded instant message conversations. I knew it was wrong & was scared even as it was happening, but I couldn't stop. We both became emotionally attached and felt in love, even though we both knew we would not risk our families. Intellectually, I know I should be thankful that it ended now before we physically met (we did use webcams to see each other)or went on much longer, but still having painful withdrawal. Hour by hour I stop myself from calling, e-mailing him, etc. Last contact was 10 days ago by phone, but I'm on verge of calling. I want to e-mail & tell him my pain, miss him, etc. How do I stop myself? I feel I need additional closure from him. I want the hurt to stop, but I can't stand the thought of never having contact again. Sometimes I want to move on & forget it all, then other times I don't want it to end at all. Please help! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: confusedwoman ]</small>

Sorry about that other post. I couldn't find mine lol

I met him several times saying I had "meetings" out of town and once when my H was away on business. The OM broke it off after the last time we saw each other. He was married when we met but seperated from her after we spent a week together. I think deep down he knew I could never leave my family and life here. So he decided to end it. He has now found AW and is moving on with his life. He also has filed for divorce. This is his second and when I'm honest with myself I let myself see the "bad" things about him. God it hurts so bad knowing he's with AW. I'm trying to have NC but I do give in sometimes but just to e-mail for leave messages. I have finally quit calling his cell phone or work. So I guess I'm making a bit of progress.

I have been on prozac but it doesn't seem to help. Then of all things I was up fighting with the hubby until 4:30 this morning. He was angry that I spent the day at my Mom & Dads' can you believe that??? He is doing nothing but pushing me further & further away from him and he just doesn't get it!!! We go to our first counseling session tomorrow so keep your fingers crossed everyone. And ty so much for all your support and encouragement. I might just get thru this!!!


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ItWon'tRainAlways:
<strong> 'Gentlesoul' (that is what you are) You are our (us WW) inspiration that, given time, the heartache will ease and our marriage can once again be our first focus.(Suzette, you are our guiding light also.)
Gentlsoul, what is your complete story about how you got involved online with the OM and then out of the relationship?

I can remember being 16 and how it felt when my boyfriend of a year, broke up with me. The same feeling of rejection that I am feeling now. The same ache inside my stomach, like an actual pain.

I have been waking up in the night with chills and covered with sweat. And my life on the outside, for my family (playing blocks with grandchildren yesterday) and friends (at church) to see, I put on a happy face and act 'normal' around them. I try to keep occupied with household tasks and working some outside when it is nice enough. (Like yesterday was a warm Spring like day.)

'luv2bd', your letter made me cry; such an understanding of your H's online affair. I have read many threads that speak of the OW as 'pond scum' and the 'devil'. Actually most of us are nice loving ladies that made bad choices and are now paying the price. Could you tell us more? And how did his affair end? By her or him?

'Confused woman'. Tell us more of your story. What happened to end the relationship? How did you meet if you live 2000 miles apart? My H and I have NEVER spent a night apart except when I was in the hospital having babies!
And don't think for a minute, that we look DOWN on you because you slept with the OM because most of us would probably have crossed that line also if we had had the opportunity!

I am looking forward to hearing from all of you ladies that have written previously, and anyone else that is just lurking and thinking of joining in. THIS IS A SAFE THREAD!
And maybe there is a man just holding back from posting.
Come on in, you are WELCOME here!
We can help one another get back on track!

Cardsonly I know for me, when this online affair with my widowed man ends, I will HAVE TO HAVE CLOSURE, a proper Good-bye. I could not stand to be in a state of limbo the rest of my life; WONDERING. I need words, even a kick in the pants!
I will write in another post how I would want that good bye to be and say.

MARY </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Confused Woman
If you click there at the bottom, where it says how many posts you have written, it will show all three. Yours is there from yesterday.

Did you notice the questions I asked you?
We need more of your story so we can help you.
Like if you have children, H etc. and what happened that your online affair is over.
It scares me that you have thought suicide. As you know that is a permenant solution to a TEMPORARY PROBLEM.

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS, just as in any sorrow in life, the pain does diminish.

OWL Yes, your wife and Cardsonly's stories sound very similar. Cards will write you when she comes online and maybe you can understand a little more what made YOUR wife have this online romance.

All I can say, is when affairs happen, we the WS are VERY SELFISH and don't think beyond ourselves or the consequences if we get caught.

We become, for the time of the fantasy affair, no longer a wife and mom but a seperate person, the person we were before we were married. I think as President Clinton once said, we compartmentize our lives.

I just hate it so, that nice men like you and my Husband and the other posters on this thread, their husbands, are the innocent ones that get hurt.
As you are seeing the WW also ends up being deeply hurt when the rejection comes by the OP (and it inevitably always does at sometime) as affairs generally run their course and end.

MARY

Hi Confused.
You had written while I was writing you. COOL.

If you are the kind of woman that I think you are, you could NEVER EVER BE HAPPY if you caused someone else's unhappiness.

The price you would have had to pay, if you left your family, would be far too great a price.
AND YOU COULD NEVER BE HAPPY.

We woman, that are married and have affairs, usually know, that we DO NOT WANT to leave our H and children. We are just so hungry for romance, for love and affection, and attention.

Even though our H's may give us a lot of love, we sometimes just want to be desired by someone else and our H's are not to blame whatsoever.
They cannot fight this fantasy we have of wanting something new and exciting.

And when the 'poopie hits the fan' and our mates find out, the fun isn't fun anymore, is it?

The originator of this marriage board, Harley, said that what happens often in affairs is one affair partner finds another partner.

You know, you can't fight this. If someone else is in his thoughts, don't lower yourself to calling or emailing or chasing him in any way.
Don't settle for just a crumb, honey.

I think our H's will give us the whole loaf if we just let them. (I am preaching to myself also.)

Does your H know about your affair?
I wasn't sure.

MARY

I am so glad this thread keeps growing and we can all help each other with this not so popular problem. OWL, you & your W story is so much like mine. I am so glad you supported her and stayed by her side. She is lucky to have you and I am sure she knows that. It's great to hear a success story! And Mary, you are wise and your insights and support are right on (I hope you will listen to your advice when you are down).

You said EXACTLY why I wandered into my EA. Attention & to be wanted & desired. As I told my H & OM, I didn't even realize my needs weren't being met until OM was meeting them! I had pushed them aside for such a long time while raising kids, working, and running the household! Confused Woman, keep writing, it will get better every day. It has for me and I know we can break away.

I had an interesting experience today, which I will share later when I have time. Keep posting and sharing and supporting! Thank you!

Card-

Believe it or not, this kind of affair seems to be a LOT more common than many people realize. My wife and I both enjoy online gaming, and I know of MANY couples that have had something very similar happen. It's so easy to fall into this trap of reaching out on the internet for someone.

Something that MIGHT help you to get over the OM...and this may be a little painful to consider, so I'd like to provide you with that warning up front. Please recognize that this is NOT an attack.

What you shared with your OM wasn't real. It's so easy to build up a mental image of someone you know online. Even communicating via webcam and phone's don't give you a decent picture of who the other person really is. And here's another part of it...because you never met, you also never had the chance to be dis-illusioned by him. There is nothing harder to compete with than the fantasy of who someone is.

My wife had trouble accepting that a large part of her relationship with the OM was fantasy as well. But it's true. You never got the chance to find out that he's really got horrible body odor when he sweats. Or that he bites his toenails (LOL). Or that he ALWAYS leaves the seat up when he gets up in the middle of the nite. You haven't had the chance to see much of the personality traits that you don't find appealing...because you never met him in person. And an online affair allows you BOTH to just send the things that you want the other person to see.

Here's something that your husband is facing right now...he's competing with a fantasy man. He can't POSSIBLY measure up...because it's easy to make the online OM up into the "perfect soulmate".

Start trying to recognize how the OM did things to make this happen. See where he made selfish choices, where he actually set this up too. You are not ENTIRELY to blame here...he too had a part in this. He knew how unhappy you were...he could have done something else, couldn't he? But he chose not to...selfishly so.

It's understandable that you miss what the two of you shared. But if you can start putting it into perspective, it'll be easier to recognize the guy who's REALLY been with you through all of this. It took my wife several weeks to get through the withdrawl. And I had no idea what it was at the time, I just knew that she was miserable. But at the end of it, she looked up one night, and realized that I was still there for her, still loved her despite what she'd done, and was STILL trying to help her, even though I was so heartsore I hadn't kept down a meal in three weeks. I honestly feel that you're going to get to that point too, friend. Just try to hold on until you do.

See...here I'm sounding all 'wise' and such...what you don't realize is that I'm actually 2' tall and have hairy feet! Gotta love the internet! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oh OWL, BELIEVE me I do not feel attacked by you! I told myself all throughout the affair that it was a fantasy & that I really didn't know him & how he lived, etc, etc, etc. He's not as handsome as my H, and has more character flaws than I want to deal with. BUT, that didn't matter. You see, I FELT myself getting caught up in it but I couldn't stop it. I was addicted! It was a drug to me, a chemical reaction in my body when he contacted me and "fed" me the attention, etc. It was as if he controlled me, he signed on at will when I was at home or work. True, I had to be signed on to IM in order to receive his IM's, and I WILLINGLY was.

I am actually to the point that I realize there were really only a couple needs he was filling. I am starting to see things about him that I really don't even care for. So, reality is coming back to me. Thank God the fog is lifting.

I am SO left-brained that it isn't even funny, and this was WAY too illogical for me. So, even as it was happening and I was loving/needing it, I was constantly trying to process it and make sense of it. After getting daily "fixes" of him for 3+ months, WOW withdrawal. That withdrawal started over 4 weeks ago, and I am feeling so much better. I was in such a fog, I felt powerless. Me, the one who runs everything at home, sits on the church boards, organizes the school events, etc. VERY unsettling feeling to now know how vulnerable I can be.

I didn't know that this is a widespread problem happening to mainstream, decent, people. I had thought it was mostly about sexual perverts, etc. I am now enlightened, and will be SO much more alert & watching my children as they become more involved online. If me, an intelligent, mature, stable 43 yr old can be drawn in, what about my 11 yr olds & 13 yr old? How scary is that??!!!

As far as OM's responsibility in this, yes. I am aware that we were both "using" each other in a sense. We were filling each others needs at the selfish expense of each other. As soon as I started exploring what had happened to me, the first thing I had to recognize was that it was about ME, not OM. I had to tell myself over & over that I was addicted to what he gave/did for me, I was not infatuated or in love with HIM.

OWL, thank you so much for your perspective, it sounds as though you and your W have a great handle on this whole issue. I appreciate you saying the things that we all need to hear over & over & over until the pain & withdrawal subsides. I am convinced that my progress in the last 10 days or so is attributable to being able to post here and also listen to other people's stories.

I'm curious, OWL, what brought you to the site and these postings?

Hmmm...interesting question Cards. I've got to say that the real reason that I tend to come to these sites is because while I truly HAVE forgiven my wife, and we've both worked pretty hard to identify and meet each other's emotional needs, I'm still dealing with her affair on a personal level.

I know (mentally) that what happened was not all my fault. I played a part in it, to be sure, but the final choice to engage in the affair was hers.

Emotionally however, I'm still struggling with the what ifs. And I struggle with where I failed, what I did wrong to lead up to this. While I have a lot of confidence in my abilities as a dad, I still feel a lot of self-doubt from what happened as a husband.

I know (mentally) that I've done the right things. Emotionally I'm trying to catch up.

So I come to threads like this to get a better understanding of what others are going through. And to see their perspectives in things. And, to be honest, it makes me feel pretty darn good when I can provide a bit of advice that helps them. It makes me feel like that while I may have failed in keeping my own marriage from this bad time, I can at least help others through THEIR tough times in some small way.