luv2bd

I'm glad gentlsoul got you started on your own thread. You need input aimed directly for you right now. I will follow your thread to see how you're doing. I am glad you posted & are seeking help.

I am still battling the "closure" thing, but a couple new developments may help. Yesterday my H read some of my posts and became aware that I hadn't stopped contact when he discovered. He read how it ultimately ended by OM wife discovery. He also read about how I called him. He didn't know there had ever been phone contact. I was terrified, just like back to the day of discovery. But also relieved, I think I really wanted to come clean about everything. And I told him so. I explained that when he discovered & my 2 two worlds collided, I was not mentally able to make any promises. I wasn't. I had panic attacks that week and didn't know what was up. Fortunately, he has some understanding of addictions, his family battles some of these things. He was very understanding. I told him the phone call was about getting closure and hearing from OM that it was over. I know these things blew away some more trust, but I feel it was a good step. He was mostly concerned that it had started back up. I assured him that it hadn't and that I was in so much a better place than a month ago.

I can now see that honesty with H is very important. It actually helps to take away the "fantasy" aspect of the OM. Hopefully it will help me think of him less. I really WANT this to be over in my head. I WANT to move on and spend my energies elsewhere.

I encouraged him to read more & look at the books i have, so he has an even better understanding.

I also confided to a close friend at work yesterday. I feel this step was an acknowledgement and acceptance on my part that it is over. It felt good to tell someone.

Thank you again for all your support!

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 08:44 AM: Message edited by: cardsonly ]</small>

Cards-

I can't stress how important it is to your husband that you confess EVERYTHING...and leave no "emotional bombs" for him to find out later!

Please....re-read that above sentence again.

The more he "stumbles" into things after he thinks he knows everything, the longer and harder the recovery is going to be for both of you. Today is the 10-month anniversary of my d-day...I feel like crap. I know nothing new is going on, but the memories are still there. It was this time last year when they got serious...

About 2 months ago, I was doing some looking through old cell phone bills to look at possibly changing our plan (I work for a major cell company, and they provided a new employee option). I needed to decide which one would make better money sense for us to use. And during that, I "stumbled" across the fact that my wife had called her OM twice after she hadn't gotten on the plane...and she'd never told me about either one. During that time, she'd made a huge production of leaving her IM conversations up with him when she'd broken NC so I could see what was going on...bragged about "hiding nothing"...but NEVER mentioned the two calls.

Even when I asked her about them when I found out about it, her response was "I don't remember what we talked about". Pure BS...but not worth battling over, since I know that nothing further is going on.

Anyway, my point is that it's a major setback everytime your husband learns something new that you never revealed to him. For him, it's like you've kept lying to him all that time. So please, if you really do want to help HIM out, open up and tell him the WHOLE truth. Just my thoughts.

Win

I too have bad days when I'm missing the OM. I let myself think about all the e-mails, phone conversations and times we were together. But I'm holding strong and not making contact with him. He e-mails me once a week to say hi and he hopes I'm doing ok. He also calls about once every 2-3 weeks. I have quit telling him how much I miss and love him because he would just say I know. We even talked of marriage and a future together but I know deep in my heart that it could never be what a marriage is suppose to be. What I'm having such a hard time with is missing his love. My hubby thinks it was just an online & phone affair and I can never tell him the truth. It's hard to be in counseling when you are hiding half your heart & soul from your spouse. I'm doing better every day but have my really bad days. And I know I have a long long way to go.

I just don't understand why I'm so angry at my hubby for the affair ending. The OM broke it off because he said he could not be the cause of breaking up a family. Our biggest problem is that there has been no sexual attraction to my hubby since we got married 20 yrs ago and he's quite aware of it. But he's willing to forgo that for the rest of our good qualtites (his words) But then knowing what I could have with AM how can I live like this the rest of my life. God I wish I could just be brainwashed and feel for my hubby like I did the other man....We used to be best friends until the death of my Mom a year ago. And an emotional affair that happened at work which he knows a bit about but not the whole story. My mothers death was very hard on me and the fall out really did a lot of damage to our marriage--but it's a long long story. Let's put it this way he was on my step-dads side and I was on my siblings side and it hurt me more than he could ever know.

Has anyone else gone through no sexual attraction and gotten it back???? The counsler asked why I wanted to save my marriage and my list is as follows, does anyone think I can save my marriage and not be so bitter towards my hubby?

1. Our 17 DD
2. His 30 SS & His 27 SD
3. What we've built the last 20 yrs (Material things and I know no one could love me like he does)
4. Our Friends & Family

Sorry if I'm rambling but my heart & mind are in such turmoil and I feel so LOST.....


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by win bin:
<strong> Hey all,
I'm still catching up on all the posts but wanted to post anyway. I just got back from a business trip and found out hub read all my earlier posts. Which was hard for him I'm sure, but also makes it hard for me to spill my feelings out.

I'm still in withdrawl and missing OM terribly. I haven't talked to him, though I have emailed him. I think H told him not to talk to me, which is good I suppose, but doesn't make me feel any better. H seems to be wanting this all wrapped up and us happily back in love. He jumped on me as soon as I got home. All the pain just came flooding back. I'm just not ready, I keep telling him. I need time for the withdrawl. I guess I need to work on the NC as well.

Glad to see new faces out there, sorry you've been brought here. I will post more replys when I can.

--win </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I just figured out how to put my info here

WS (me) 43
BS 53
Married 20 yrs together 25 very happy for 18
SS-30 SD-27 DD (Ours together 17)
EA began 1/04
PA began 3/04
D-Day many

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confusedwoman:
My hubby thinks it was just an online & phone affair and I can never tell him the truth.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The truth will set you free.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's hard to be in counseling when you are hiding half your heart & soul from your spouse.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not really "counseling" until everyone knows the truth.

A BIG waste of time and money ... lying to your H in MC and (probably) lying to the counselor too.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just don't understand why I'm so angry at my hubby for the affair ending. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is common, expected, and NOTHING NEW.

You are angry with your husband because keeping this HUGE secret from him is very costly for you.

It's an expensive secret .... costing you energy, self respect, anxiety, spiritual sickness, and it becomes necessary for you to guard your heart from intimacy with your husband ---> and your ANGER is your tool to keep you emotionally distant from your husband.

DIShonesty is killing your love for your husband ... NOT your "love" for OM.

Trust me, this is nothing special or different ... your affair is as common as they come.

Pep

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Confused-

Part of the reason you're still feeling this way is because you're still in the FOG. You're not in NC...he's still contacting you every day!!! That is NOT NC...NC is two way.

The problem is, you've still got hopes of it somehow eventually working out. You've not come clean to your husband, and you've not totally broken off contact. In that kind of circumstance, how could you possibly expect things to heal in your marriage?

You had something with your husband, or you would never have lasted 20 years. But right now, you are still not willing to invest in him, because YOU are still accepting from your OM.

BREAK IT OFF. OPEN to your husband, and THEN MC will actually become a tool to help. Right now, you're wasting your time in MC, you're wasting your money in MC, and you're still not going to accomplish anything until you REALLY try to do something.

Once you REALLY try to do something, I'd bet you'll be astounded at how you're own memories of what you shared with your husband will change.

Confusedwoman... I started a thread especially for YOU to express yourself and ASK FOR HELP!

Pep

Pep

Thank you for your response. YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!! I know deep in my heart nothing can change if I don't be 100% honest. But I'm so afraid for so many reasons to tell my hubby the WHOLE truth. It will destroy him and he's on the edge right now. Hes taking pills for anxiety and I'm so afraid it would make him more suicidal then he already is. It will also hurt him deeply because of the sexual problems we have had since we got married. Like I said before he's a very controling and possessive man. And it will just make it worse. I will tell the OM to leave me alone completely the next time he contacts me. I do not have contact with him everyday, but as you and others have pointed out. There needs to be no contact so I can let it ALL go and quit thinking in the back of my mind that he might change his mind and want to see me again, and boy you sure read my mind on that one!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confusedwoman:
My hubby thinks it was just an online & phone affair and I can never tell him the truth.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The truth will set you free.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's hard to be in counseling when you are hiding half your heart & soul from your spouse.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not really "counseling" until everyone knows the truth.

A BIG waste of time and money ... lying to your H in MC and (probably) lying to the counselor too.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just don't understand why I'm so angry at my hubby for the affair ending. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is common, expected, and NOTHING NEW.

You are angry with your husband because keeping this HUGE secret from him is very costly for you.

It's an expensive secret .... costing you energy, self respect, anxiety, spiritual sickness, and it becomes necessary for you to guard your heart from intimacy with your husband ---> and your ANGER is your tool to keep you emotionally distant from your husband.

DIShonesty is killing your love for your husband ... NOT your "love" for OM.

Trust me, this is nothing special or different ... your affair is as common as they come.

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank you Pep---I don't understand how the "thread" thing works. I'm sorry I'm such a ditz sometimes lol


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> Confusedwoman... I started a thread especially for YOU to express yourself and ASK FOR HELP!

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Wow now I'm sitting here in tears. I know my hubby and I had a wonderful life---but maybe I don't deserve to be happy. I have done so many things wrong in my marriage. I feel so LOST


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Owl:
<strong> Confused-

Part of the reason you're still feeling this way is because you're still in the FOG. You're not in NC...he's still contacting you every day!!! That is NOT NC...NC is two way.

The problem is, you've still got hopes of it somehow eventually working out. You've not come clean to your husband, and you've not totally broken off contact. In that kind of circumstance, how could you possibly expect things to heal in your marriage?

You had something with your husband, or you would never have lasted 20 years. But right now, you are still not willing to invest in him, because YOU are still accepting from your OM.

BREAK IT OFF. OPEN to your husband, and THEN MC will actually become a tool to help. Right now, you're wasting your time in MC, you're wasting your money in MC, and you're still not going to accomplish anything until you REALLY try to do something.

Once you REALLY try to do something, I'd bet you'll be astounded at how you're own memories of what you shared with your husband will change. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Oh,Wise OWL!

I do know you are right. There are no excuses or justifications for not telling all. At what point should your W have told you about the calls? At the point she made them she probably wasn't out of the fog, right? So a few days or weeks later when she REALLY committed to you & M she was probably thinking that she was so much further in her progress that why should she take herself and you backwards. I'm not saying that reasoning is right, but for myself when I was in that "survival" mode of the fog/withdrawal and just trying to get through the days that's how I thought. Of course, as the BS it makes you wonder if even yet your WS is being honest. What a tangled web we weave......

As far as her making those calls later, I think that just attests to the fact that the withdrawal takes a long time and a moment of weakness can happen out of the blue. Even thought I honestly do not plan any more calls or contact with my OM, I am not to the point where I can rip up that phone number.

I will make sure I consider that EVERYTHING is out in the open so that there are no more surprises. Thanks for bringing that up!

confusedwoman,

There are posts to you on the thread Pep began. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Rose

OK...two things here.

ONE- I forgot to create a signature here, like the one I have on "the other board". My signature there reads "Wise...no. Been through enough to value wisdom...certainly!"

I am NOT wise. I've been through a lot. I know just enough now to know how much more I don't know. And believe it or not, the Owl monikor has nothing to do with being wise...it's an personal thing that only a few who know me know the story behind.

TWO-

I posted my last response to Confused in the thread that Pepper created for her...so that she could get her own situation dealt with accordingly.

You're right on the reasons why my wife didn't tell me about the calls. And I know it...in my head. But I can tell you that it was a knife in my heart sitting there seeing them for the first time.

Remember this...the REAL pain your spouse is feeling is from the deception and lies that you made between the two of you. It's the violated trust that's the most damaging. And it takes a LOT of work, hard work, to re-build that. And then after that, it just takes time and love for him to heal. I'm still working on that last part.

Hang in there...do the right things, for your husband, and your family, and most of all yourself. I know you feel guilty, like you're the worlds worst person...you're not. But...now you can start doing things to show yourself that your not!

Confusedwoman,

I am going to jump on the bandwagon that Pep, and Owl started. Let's look at what you have said for just a second </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My hubby thinks it was just an online & phone affair and I can never tell him the truth. It's hard to be in counseling when you are hiding half your heart & soul from your spouse. I'm doing better every day but have my really bad days. And I know I have a long long way to go.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is unlikely you will ever get there with this deep secret within you. You will forever have to protect a part of you so that your H won't find out, so that you won't slip and say something in passion. You will NEVER be able to allow your H into your heart so that you could have something that you crave.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just don't understand why I'm so angry at my hubby for the affair ending. The OM broke it off because he said he could not be the cause of breaking up a family. Our biggest problem is that there has been no sexual attraction to my hubby since we got married 20 yrs ago and he's quite aware of it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps, you need to realize something about sexual attraction. It is hormonal sort of, but mostly it is an issue of perception. What attracts one person to another without even knowing them is the perceptions in OUR minds that they would fulfil us in some or many ways. You need to seriously consider what you like, what you love, and what you respect about your H. You also need to consider the love busters he does that turn you off. If you address these things I am betting you will see your H in a new light.

When you tell your H the truth about the A, you will learn a lot about him. He needs to know this. He needs to have all of the information to make a determination if you are the woman for him. Further, you need to watch him address this. You will learn a lot. This is NOT pain for pleasure. This is pain that must be endured to rebuild a marriage BETTER than the one you had.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But he's willing to forgo that for the rest of our good qualtites (his words) But then knowing what I could have with AM how can I live like this the rest of my life. God I wish I could just be brainwashed and feel for my hubby like I did the other man....We used to be best friends until the death of my Mom a year ago.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So what you are saying that your H has a lot less to do with this than you think. You have failed to see that he loves you deep enough to forego sex. You have failed to see correlations between YOUR lose of your mother and how you treated him and the marriage. You have failed to tell him of another EA suggesting that your OM is NOT THE man, just a man you decided to bestow your affections on. Yet, through all of this stands your H.

You have not figured out he loves you and that he is stronger than you realize. You are angry with him because he has failed to fold like you expected him to, and by not folding he is forcing YOU to face your failures, your lies, and the fact that YOU made decisions to betray him and gave yourself permission to do so.

Time to face these things CW. It is time.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And an emotional affair that happened at work which he knows a bit about but not the whole story. My mothers death was very hard on me and the fall out really did a lot of damage to our marriage--but it's a long long story. Let's put it this way he was on my step-dads side and I was on my siblings side and it hurt me more than he could ever know.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Without probing further,he probably had his reasons as did you, but they were NOT to destroy the marriage. Right?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Has anyone else gone through no sexual attraction and gotten it back???? The counsler asked why I wanted to save my marriage and my list is as follows, does anyone think I can save my marriage and not be so bitter towards my hubby?

1. Our 17 DD
2. His 30 SS & His 27 SD
3. What we've built the last 20 yrs (Material things and I know no one could love me like he does)
4. Our Friends & Family</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The short answer is YES you can save your marriage. That is a no brainer, it is done around here all of the time. And by definition if you save your marriage, you will not only NOT be bitter toward your H, you will love him. The two go hand in hand. Look at your list and look at #3. If he did not love you, this would be harder given what you have done. But he does. He needs honesty, you need honesty, and THEN you two can make decisions about the marriage.

I find it remarkable that you have had two A's, you claim to have no attraction for your H, you claim many bad things about him, you claim you don't really want the marriage, you see no hope for it, you have had no problem hurting him to date, and yet...you worry about telling him the truth. Does this make any sense? Of course not. If you want to find out IF your marriage is worth or can be saved start at bedrock...honesty, radical honesty about your A's, your feelings, your hurts. And THEN talk about your marriage.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry if I'm rambling but my heart & mind are in such turmoil and I feel so LOST.....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup, you are lost, but you have found... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> a place that no punches will be pulled but where people are familiar with your situation. Sadly, you are NOT unique.

God Bless,

JL

((((((((((((Confusedwoman)))))))))))

Do not despair!!! There is a way out of all this and you can recover all the love you have for your H. You are not a bad person. This A is taking a huge toll on you and your M though and it's time to break free, right? If you follow all the great advice on this site, you can form a plan of action and get to a place where you are happy again and your M may be better than before. We'll help you!

A couple of things:

1) To reply to any post, you don't have to hit the "quote marks" at the top of the post. Instead, scroll to the VERY bottom of the page and on the left hand side, hit the buttom that says "Post Reply." Much simpler.

2) Pepperband started a thread especially for you. That means that instead of going through this thread called "Help Withdrawing from Online Affair", you go to the subject with your name in it ("Confusedwoman This Thread is for You").

Go tell your story hon - and I'll talk to you there. You can even copy what you've already written, and post it from start to finish. It's a safe place and you'll feel good when you establish your plan for recovery.

The truth will indeed set you free. I was where you were - and now I am recovering. So I wish for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Morning all,

Here is something inspiring and uplifting I want to share with all you ladies on this thread who’re currently going through withdrawal and/or in pain from your online A’s (this was of much help & inspiration to me during my own withdrawal and early recovery):

~SOMETIMES~

Sometimes people come into your life
and you know right away that they were meant to be there,
to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson,
or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become.
You never know who these people may be
(possibly your roommate, neighbor, professor, long lost friend,
lover, or even a complete stranger),
but when you lock eyes with them,
you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.
And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first,
but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles
you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime…
When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are!
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered.
And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season…

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons:
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

The people you meet who affect your life,
and the success and downfalls you experience,
help to create who you are and who you become.
Even the bad experiences can be learned from.
In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

Everything happens for a reason.
Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck.
Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness,
and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul.
Without these small tests, whatever they may be,
life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.
It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.
Life is an unceasing process of change.

Just as the seeds of the poppy fall back to the earth,
only to flourish yet again,
so too, will the proverbial circle of life touch our own existence.
Hardships may indeed befall us,
but the ebb and flow of life energy prods us to survive.

The Bible say: "To everything there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant,
and a time to pluck up that which is planted..."

Whether we are experiencing the death of a loved one,
an ended relationship, or grief for the past,
as incomprehensible as it may seem, life does go on.
Troubling circumstances and heart-wrenching situations
may inwardly tear at our heart and cause us to feel like crumbling,
but let us not forget that even in cemeteries grow flowers, grass and trees.
Death, be it in the loss of friend or loved one,
or mourning for a relationship or friendship failed, indeed has its sting,
but as long as Christ promises us hope, life shall not cease.

God's grace is as a healing hand.
As does the sweet scent of the poppy linger in the air,
the warm memories and love for those we have lost
will remain always safe in our hearts.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart forgive them,
for they have helped you learn about trust
and the importance of being cautious to when you open your heart.
If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally,
not only because they love you, but because in a way,
they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.
Make every day count.

Appreciate every moment and take from those moments
everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again.
Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen.
Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high.
Hold your head up because you have every right to.
Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself,
for if you don't believe in yourself,
it will be hard for others to believe in you.
You can make of your life anything you wish.

Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.
Life is about living, and that is why God offered us His Son,
so that we may have eternal life.
A life without Christ will rob one of salvation,
but with Him, all things are possible!

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 04:34 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

I haven't posted in a few days. I suppose it's a good sign that I have been less obssessed and more able to live my life.

I believe I am coming to some sort of acceptance that my EA is REALLY over. I think I've stopped fighting the fact that it's over. Although still fighting the NC, the deep down feelings of depressions have waned. Now just a sadness remains. Mourning the loss of the relationship I believe, and trying to let go. As I think of OM less, I find myself grabbing on to memories just to keep it a bit alive. I'm sure that will fade, too. Still hard to think of NEVER talking again to a person who meant so much and had so much impact. Even though the EA was wrong, it's hard to just sweep under the rug a person who affected my life so much. This has been a powerful, life-altering experience, and (right or wrong) OM was there.

I think part of it is that at this age, relationships & friendships don't come and go - they stay. It's not like highschool, where friends come and go. I'm accustomed to friends staying in my life, not relationships ending.

Suzet, your post ealier today meant so much. You have so much insight into what people need to hear and read. The post moved me to tears, and certainly helped me to see the "bigger picture".

Now that I'm approaching being able to concentrate on M, what next steps do I take? Which books can help me the most at this point? Thank you!

Cards,

I can identify so much with how hard it is to just sweep this OP "under the rug" when they meant so much to you. There really was a deep connection that we feel and it's hard to rid of that! I cared not only for this OM but I had also cared about his family and prayed for his family before and sometimes during the A. Have you thought about praying for this OP? Praying for his M? I have done that it it does help me to get my perspective back at times.

Yes 2BNormal,

I did pray for OM and his family & M, especially at the time when we were discovered. OM is Christian, as I am, and we struggled with the paradox of it all. Isn't it amazing that our emotions and needs are so strong that we could compromise everything we believe in? I am still puzzled by that! I will keep up reading your thread.

You need to take steps to break away. You can't progress until you do. Time is on your side, allow it to help you.