^^

Thank you Autumn Day.
YOU ARE SO SMART!
I just couldn't get it to work.

I just have a feeling that this thread is going to help
a struggling person on this very day.

Help them to see that withdrawal pains are REAL, from the daily contact with another caring person.
(When it is decided to STOP an email friendship of perhaps many many months.) IT IS VERY DIFFICULT to give up the attention this OM has given us; they have become an important part of our heart and our daily life.

Plus, to help them see, that given time, the hurt inside will get better and they can have a happy life with their H (or W) again, as so many have written about, here on this thread.

I have been very thankful for this thread as I struggle to go NC with a DEAR man friend!

[color:"blue"]You're welcome Rain.

You might be sorry I bumped it though, because I decided to skim through the thread to see exactly what I bumped.

You don't need to struggle with NC anymore. Stop emailing om today. Close your email account so he cannot contact you. Tell your H the truth. Expose the dark world you've been living in to the light of day. It won't look so pretty then.

You seem to be more focused on the pain of withdrawal, (which btw, I know is very real), rather then focusing on recovery of your M. Recovery cannot begin until you are in complete NC. In fact, I wouldn't even categorize you as being in "withdrawal" because you've not withdrawn yourself from the A yet.

~ad, a fww [/color]

Autumn Day, everything you say is true and right.
I am VERY afraid of the withdrawal pain.
And I know if this 'secret' were out it would be terrible.

AD, thank you for caring, but I do not want to be focused on. This thread if for the others that are truly trying to withdraw from the EA. (I admire them greatly.)
If I did want advice, I would start my own thread asking for help.
I am not ready to exit this online affair, not yet.

I am mostly reading and learning.
I am still in the EA. I care very much for this OM.
Right now, I can't imagine my life without him in it.

That is why I seldom post.
My words are no good to anyone.
I am weak and selfishly enjoying the attention from OM.

Hey Cards....haven't seen or heard from you in a while...was hoping to hear you're still doing ok...(This is Owl...had to create a new login...sigh).

Give a shout friend. Hope things are going well.

We haven't heard from cardsonly since this new message board was started.

I wonder if she is having trouble finding it?

Karegh, could you change your ID back to Owl?
Or something like it?
(Owl Owl Owl or Owl 2005.)
You are such a knowledgable man!
We want you back as our Wise Owl.

Laura

I was wondering what happened to cardsonly as well. I wonder if she may be on vacation this week? I remember her mentioning about her family going on vacation before the forum went down.

Hello! Yes, I've had trouble with the site, then went on vacation. We just returned home today and haven't had a chance to explore the MB extensively.

I want to spend time to see how everyone is, I hope everyone is still posting. I am having good days & bad days. Getting away was helpful, but I do feel like I will be challenged once again. As soon as I walked in the door & felt myself return to pre-vacation life, all the reminders of what I was dealing with came back. I don't know what that is about.

I will take a couple days to get my thoughts together and pull my brain together. Unfortunately, my vacation wasn't very restful, and my H & I had hoped to have some quality time. That didn't happen so now we will have to carve out our time out of our normal days. I hope that we will.

Hello,
I've also been having trouble getting on here to post, and finding the thread! I was just going to say, cards was on vacation but she beat me to it!

I have not been doing well. Still just dealing with the withdrawl. H and I are trying counseling and have not been happy with the therapist so we must begin again. Trying to move through the depression. Did have an email slip up with OM, but he never responded to me so I guess that's good.

Also trying to deal with issues with H. Things are volitile and moving slowly. He realizes what he needs to change but doing it is going to take time. I don't know if it will make a difference for me, we shall see. I just keep reading the board and the concepts and trying to wait things out.

Hopefully posting will be easier with this thing!!

win

Hi Cards! Glad you made it back on here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I've been thinking of you and wondering how you have been.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel yourself returning to pre-vacation and the reminders. I've had a tough week or so myself...(check out my thread to catch up on me if you get the chance to)...basically I confessed to my husband the continued contact that I had with the OM and I really believe that there will be NC from now on! It felt good to be totally honest, but then my mind still wanders to where it shouldn't go. But we must look forward right and not behind? This is what I keep telling myself lately!

I hope you will be back on here soon!

Hi 2B, thanks for the welcome back. I will read your update tomorrow, I'm having trouble with the site (as others apparently are too).

I had hoped my time away would provide me some clarity about my situation, but I found myself actually dwelling on memories of OM MORE not less. We were busy and I'm wondering if that was my response to being out of my environment and without the MB & other support I had been used to. In any case, I was not expecting some of the feelings I had while gone, and certainly wasn't expecting to be fighting NC again.

Also feeling mixed up about my H & my progress. We weren't able to connect as I had hoped and he seems to be more angry than before. He's also not sharing his feelings about it, which is frustrating to me. I am also wanting to share more with him and he still doesn't want to hear it. We may need MC to help us with all this. I really thought we would have the discipline to work on this together, at least to get started, but now I am wondering. He tends to like to think & ponder on his own to solve problems, rather than us working together.

Anyway, maybe things will be clearer in a few days as we get back into routine.

Thanks for caring!

Hey Everyone!
Just wanted to pop in and say hi. Glad you made it all back here, as I was just about to send out a search party. Doesn't sound like everyone is doing too well. Let's put on a pot of coffee this week and sort it all out, eh?

I myself had some demons to battle this past week, which I can tell you about later. NC still in force and no question it will stick. My H is now posting on here too! Things in M are rolling along great.

And....drumroll please......My H and I burned all the momentos from A last night! It was liberating. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Cards, welcome back. Sorry your vacation wasn't what you hoped for. Don't worry. Things will get back in focus in your old stomping grounds.

Win, I just asked your H about you last night on the "In Recovery" board here on MB where he posted his questions about changing MC. Asked him to pass a message to you.

2BNormal, hi again and I'm glad we could "converse" while I was on my business trip. Still proud of what you did. You gave me the strength to burn my momentos.

Anywho, glad you all made it back safely. Just wanted to say I was glad to "see" you all again.
GS

PS - try Mozilla.com and download the free Firefox. That solved my problems on the system.

Good morning everyone! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Cards, I can relate to you and your vacation. When I went on vacation with my family last summer, I was just about to end my communications with the first OM. The entire vacation was miserable to me because I started to dwell on what I missed about him instead of my focus of not talking to him. It became very overwhelming for me! When I returned, my head cleared up soon and I ended my communications with him....of course I wish that was the end of my miserable story, but it wasn't since OM #2 was already there and replaced OM #1 after about a month.

It really sounds as if counseling may help the both of you. I've been thinking about getting back into counseling with my husband. We only had 3 sessions and thought that was all we needed to move forward. I'm not sure my husband will go though, so I may end up going just for myself. This takes alot of work to put a marriage back together and to make it strong! And I feel like you, I want to share more with my husband and he is ready to be over it. There is still the closeness that I want us to have that is not quite there yet.

gentlsoul, I am soooo proud of you for burning the momentos with your husband!!! Yeah!!! You will feel so great and even better as time goes on!

Gentlesoul- WTG!!!! Glad to hear that you and your husband were able to get to that point!! That is a great step ahead friend!

Cards- You've been on my mind quite a bit lately, my friend. My wife and I have taken to playing card games online together a lot lately, and it occasionally makes me think of your situation.

I've started my own thread finally, so feel free to look there if you'd like.

Believe it or not, the problems you had dealing with thoughts of your OM and the past during your vacation aren't surprising when you give it some thought. Bluntly, your time with your OM was a 'vacation' in a way...an escape from the realities of your day to day life. There are a couple of parallels there, so it's not surprising that you would have thoughts of him. And seriously, it's hard to deal with that sometimes. The best medicine I can offer you on that is this...you have the ability to change your thought patterns. I know, as I've had to learn to do this when I get down about things. So here's the thing. From now on, when your mind starts to drift to OM, and you realize that you're focusing on him...MAKE yourself stop, and think about your husband. Something positive, like something nice he's done for you, or an event or time that the two of you had that bonded the two of you...and focus on the happiness of THAT for a while. Do that long enough, and you'll train your mind to do it pretty much automatically. It sounds silly, but it works.

Some way to put what your husband is doing into perspective... It sounds to me like he and I are a lot alike in some ways. So here's my thoughts on what he's dealing with. Realize that when the affair first came out, he went into action mode. He immediately started to take action to save his marriage, to end the affair, to win you back, etc... He didn't have time to think about how he felt then...he was focusing on the actions he needed to take. Now that the marriage is 'safe', he's starting to actually get a chance to stop and look at how HE is feeling...up to now, he's been focused on YOU, and your marriage with him. He probably hasn't sat and thought about his own feelings in all of this that much...but now he's starting to. And he's trying to work through them, in typical guy fashion. We all tend to deal with our feelings within ourselves...and, bluntly, he's probably not sure that YOU are up to helping him deal with what he's going through. He's probably worried that sharing these with you is going to make matters worse, which is the LAST thing he wants right now.

Talk to him. Remind him that not sharing with him was what lead to your situation in the first place. Let him know that you're there for him, that you WANT to help him deal with this, and that doing so will help your relationship to heal, because you'll be helping EACH OTHER to deal with things.

Just my thoughts.

Win-
Sorry to hear that you two are still struggling as well. Out of curiousity, what 'extraordinary measures' are you taking to prevent contact with the OM now?? (remember SH advocates that these EM's be taken to prevent contact, and to reassure the BS as well...it seems to me that you may still have some room to do some work in that area....and having those in place actually HELP with withdrawl...because it finalizes the end of the A) You might consider looking at this, and see what can be done in this area to HELP the both of you.

Hang in there friends!

Hello all,

I want to thank GentleSoul for what happened the other night.

We opened a nice bottle of Pinot Noir and had a bit of a ceremonial bonfire. The mementos from the OM went up in flames last nite as we sipped wine. The emails from the OM went to the delete pile. I cant tell you how huge that step makes me feel. I know GS is over the OM, but this was quite symbolic if you will.

GS, it took a lot of courage to do that, it is but one of the many qualities I love about you.

I stand by you, ready to face all of life's challenges with you. I have the utmost love and respect for you.

Thanks for sharing a seat with me on this wild, crazy ride called life.

I love you with all my heart and always will...

beavis

WOW! Beavis & Gentlsoul!

You two are an inspiration. Gentlsoul, I am so happy for you! I hope that we all can get to where you 2 are. I am so encouraged by both of you that you had the courage and strength to work hard and follow through with what is right. Great job on NC GS!

Beavis, GS has been so helpful to me & I understand you have just recently been on MB, right? Have you discussed your struggles anywhere? I believe my H is struggling with his feelings over my EA. I would love for him to read how other BH came to grips with this. I am going to find Karegh's (OWL) story for him to read as well. Thank you & congrats!

This is SO frustrating! I just wrote a reply and it didn’t take! Let’s see if I can remember what I wrote.

Karegh-

Thank you (again) for your insights, you are right on target. Regarding the vacation, I was assuming that getting away would further my withdrawal & letting go process, not impede it. I was not prepared to think more of OM. My H & I did not connect on vacation, so putting “happy” thoughts of OM in my head probably somehow met the EN’s that H is not meeting. And since I didn’t have the trusty MB site to go to in my weakness, dreaming of OM fit the bill. You are right, Karegh, I really need to work on controlling the destiny of my thoughts.

I am very concerned, though, about this needs thing. My H is NOT working to meet them right now. I feel a certain frailty that they need to be met ASAP. I DO NOT want a repeat performance of this EA. H does not understand (or want to understand) the depth of OM & the importance of these needs. I feel wrong in “demanding” that he do the work to meet my needs, when I was clearly in the wrong with the EA in the first place. I have not met his needs in recent times, so who am I to expect him drop everything and suddenly take care of me? Yet, most of the time I feel in no position to work on his needs. We should both be working on each others needs at the same time, right?

Karegh, you said you worked hard on meeting your W EN’s. Was she reciprocating that to you? How were you able to give and not receive when she was the one committing the crime? By both making the commitment to save the M? You seem to have the opposite problem that 2B & I have. Your W has moved on, and you still need to discuss & communicate about the EA.

Thank you!

Cards,

your H is free to read any of my posts, but I dont think they explain how I got to where I am, let me try a little buit here, and hope I also dont get logged out!

The concepts that worked for me was

Communication: Open, direct, honest communication regarding our marriage, our feelings, the A, everything. Working to realize that our ways of communication in the past were not the best.

Patience- Very hard for me, perhaps the hardest thing I had to do was wait while she made up her mind to stay or go from me, while my heart was breaking inside watching it, knowing I still loved her dearly.

Support and stability- Knowing that I realized I just had to me myself, be there for her if she needed me, and LISTEN to her without judgement, even if it hurts. Present a stable environment while she and I both rode rollercoasters of emotions, for each of us,different sets of emotions as well.

Marriage and Independent counseling- a safehouse where feelings could be addressed and communicative styles identified. We did workbooks where we came to realize we both still cared for each other.

Mutual love and respect- this also came out a bit in marriage counseling, we discovered we had a very strong base, strong history and emotions for one another.

Exercise! I started hitting the gym hard, which helped dissolve a lot of anxiety away.

Retraining though processes- Hard, but when I found myself thinking backwards to the A, I tried to translocate the thought to the our future, together, happy.

I began romancing her, fallling in love with her all over again, but with a deeper understanding of her and I. That she is human, humans make mistakes and can be forgiven. That we now share a more open, honest, direct relationship, no more lying and hiding of thoughts and feelings. We try not to keeep things bottled up anymore, and instead expressing it right away.

I hope this helps him, I am getting nervous and am going to post without proofing so it doesnt bounce!!

beavis

Cards-

I would agree...we seem to be having the opposite problem. Doesn't that just figure. LOL! She has moved on, and any real discussion on the EA at this point becomes something of a lovebuster for her...because it brings up all her guilt and embarrasment and regret for what she did/nearly did. I'm not sure why I still feel the need to talk about it, but all I can really say at this point is that it's not something that's just 'gone and in the past' in my mind and heart yet.

You asked me how I met her emotional needs when she wasn't meeting mine...I'm not sure about exactly when (relative to the A, at least) you meant, so I'm going to take a stab at it. Obviously just prior to the A and during, I tried to meet her needs, but failed. Partially due to not understanding those needs, partially due to her not communicating them well to me, and partially due to simply not placing high enough priority on meeting them.

During her withdrawl, I did the best I could to meet her needs as I knew them, and as I learned more about them. I can't say 'why' I did really...because during that time I began to lose hope that we were going to make it myself. I even began working on things for her that would make her more able to leave, if that ultimately was her choice. I guess it was because I have always loved this woman, even when she didn't seem to love me. And I wanted the best for her, even when that best didn't seem to include me. My fight to end her EA was no different...I was (and still am) convinced that the vast majority of it was a fantasy, that it would have failed within months of becoming physical, and that she would have found herself even more guilt ridden and lonely and in pain than she was before. And then she would have found herself without the one person who really does love her for her, in reality and not fantasy...me.

I have to be honest about something...sometimes I'm still dealing with having my needs met myself, because she's changed a lot over the years. She doesn't think about stuff like this as much as she used to, it's not second nature like it used to be for her. So, we're trying to deal a bit with that as well.

As far as what you're going through, I REALLY think you need to go to counseling. And I'd suggest that you ask (make it clear that YOU need this from HIM) that he attend at least one session with you...and during that session, talk with the counselor about all of this. Make it clear to the counselor (and at the same time, your husband) how major the EA was, how it met some of your EN's, and how you're very worried that they may not be met if your husband doesn't take the EA as exactly what it was...a big red flag that your marriage is in danger if changes aren't made. Don't make it a threat...don't talk to your husband directly about this at first...just make it clear to your counselor what you're afraid of. Admit to the areas where you've made mistakes, suggest some of the things that you are doing or will do to work on them, but also make sure that what you need from your husband is clearly understood as well.

That raises something I'm wondering if you've had the time to do...have you truly gone through and identified what your needs from your husband are? What it is exactly that you need from him to make this marriage work? And at the same time, what do you THINK his needs are? And what are you doing to meet those? Do you think he's feeling as though those needs are met?

Again, I know he's not willing to sit down and talk with you about this, but the other part of this is that he needs to recognize that what happened didn't happen in a vacuum...that unless steps are taken to fix the PROBLEM in your marriage, your marriage remains in jeopardy...just don't make that a threat to him, make him understand that this is a WORRY of YOURS, and that you need his help to fix the problem.

Cards - my husband is not meeting my EN's right now either and that is really bothering me big time! We have discussed this and this is where the difficulty lies. He knows what I need, but he has this resentment over what I did and cannot meet my needs. Well, he can, but he is choosing not to at the moment. Also, these EN's are not something he is used to giving me, so it would take some effort of his. Big frustration for me when I think these needs were met by the OM and I still want and need them! I just don't know what to do when he doesn't feel that he needs counceling and he doesn't want to keep dwelling on the "A" that I sometimes still need to talk about.