2BN-



You said this yesterday, and it goes to show that you must've felt that this was causing you a problem. Seriously, you have to accept the fact that the withdrawing is going to take some time and effort again. If you're considering NC to be 4/25, that was only 2 1/2 weeks ago! Try to remember how you felt earlier in the year when you were withdrawing. When I had a relapse of NC I felt depressed again about 2 weeks later.

PLEASE, do whatever you can to avoid the triggers and anything associated with OM. Even at this point (weeks & weeks after NC) I am not "fighting" NC, but every once in awhile thoughts do drift in about how easily it would be just to pick up the phone. It is such a gradual process, take it one day at a time, and know that each week will get better.

Cards - Yes I would say that the real NC started 4/25 since we changed those passwords. What I'm feeling now is not like the withdrawal back at the end of Dec. and early Jan. I can't really describe it except for that curiosity. I don't have withdrawals from communicating with the OM because there was not much communication in the past months. The withdrawal is from "knowing about him" and knowing that he's still alive, etc. Does that make sense to anyone? For months after I let go of the 1st OM, I would still check to see if his s/n showed up on IM just to see if he was "alive". I wouldn't talk, but I just needed to know he was around. Well, I only got over that because of this 2nd OM who became my distraction from that. I never really dealt with it.

I HAVE had other struggles as well with wanting to pick up that phone and call the OM, but I do not give into that. I also had a moment of insanity where I changed the password back on my email for about 10 minutes!! But, I have changed it again so the OM doesn't know it. I know I cannot contact him and I WILL NOT contact him. I suppose since I know I cannot contact him, I was letting this "knowing he's alive" thing by finding him on that forum make me feel better.

I have to fight these thoughts moment by moment and day by day.

One more quick thought - I found myself trying to find patterns of when the thoughts and "curiosities" were prevalent. Maybe it is being overtired, maybe a conflict with H, maybe just an everyday stressor. If we can know how to head off our "weak" times we can derail them before caving in.

Keep posting!

Good point Cards! I know my weakest times are at work when I'm sitting in front of this computer. I may get bored for a moment and my thoughts will wander. I just need to keep myself busy!

Also, I have a short time at home by myself in the mornings, that is where I have temptations as well. Since D-Day, we have moved the computer in our house out to our dining room to where it's in view by all. It was previously in a spare room. The MC said we NEED to move the computer in a public area! That has helped me tremendously when I'm home with everyone around, but not when I'm alone! When I'm alone, I find that I can be weak.

Believe it or not, it was my WIFE who suggested we rearrange the house to move the computers up from the 'den', and consolidate them into our living room area. And she did this while she was still deep in the withdrawl. Part of her reasoning was that it was dark down in the den area, but part of it was also to get the computers into the main area of the house.

In our case, summer vacation started almost as soon as my wife came out of the HARD part of the withdrawl, so she had very little 'alone' time for a few months after that. That may have helped her deal with her addiction some too.

Recognizing when you're at your most vulnerable is critical...as well as setting up some coping measures for those times when you ARE tempted to give in. Perhaps call or IM your husband when you're feeling weak? Or when you start to think of the OM, FORCE yourself instead to think of your husband and your marriage. It takes time, but you CAN change your thought patterns...I know, as I've had to do that to help me deal with my own depression and PTSD, both now and in the past.

Yes, I have to really confess that NC has been extremely hard for me. Even though OM said that we should move on and maybe just be friends. Even though I know there's no chance of going back to what it was, I haven't been able to let go. And I think part of it is not wanting to deal with the mess that my M is. And to give up the love and affection that I was getting when I haven't been getting enough in my M for years. But for myself I have to have NC. I'm, today kinda of angry with OM. Trying to build on that for NC. Trying to see how he hurt me and how hes not worth it. And how I need to let go to move forward in whatever direction I need to go. For me. NOt for anyone else. I can see it's not going to be easy, every 5 minutes I'm telling myself not to check his space. I may need to post a lot today!

2B I think much of our A's is addiction and obsession and for me having that feeling of being wanted and needed after not having it for so long is really, really, hard to let go of. Not that I've still had it. OM has been standoffish and just friendly the times I have talked to him recently. No intimacy at all, just music talk. Which is good.

Dealing w/my H is another story. I"m not sure where that is going. I will have to see.

-win

Owl, I agreed right away that the computer needed to be moved. I still do not like where it's at because if you are really trying to read or do something where you have to concentrate, there is too much action going on around me. But, I know it HAS to be where it's at. What happened out of moving it is that our 2 daughters were able to have their own rooms for the first time ever! They were thrilled with the idea! Previously, we had always tried to keep the spare room as an office type room and guest room.

I do call my H at work when I have trouble. Sometimes I can have a hard time to reach him because he is in meetings alot. I cannot IM him because he has no internet access at his office. It's during these times when I will have to make the extra effort to think of my H and my M and also pray.

Win - I can really understand why you are having a hard time letting go. For me though, my H is actively working on our M and the areas where we had neglected. He loves me so very much and shows me that everyday! I really need to think of how my obsession is hurting him and our M when my thoughts want to go to the OM.

Win, You already know the A is over, so what can you do yourself to prevent yourself to not look at the site where the OM is? Is there something you can do physically or mentally to take that thought away? Today I just told myself I'm not going there and I haven't yet today! I still have a bit of pull to check, but I'm resisting and relying on the Lord to carry me through.

Keep posting here Win. It will help keep you away. Everytime you have that urge, write to us instead. We're here for you!

2B-
Like you I think my weakest times are at work because I"m sitting in front of the pc and have my mind wanders (ADD), lol. I know the A is over, for the last few months I haven't wanted it to be over. Right after D-Day 2/17, I was determined NOT to let it end. However OM felt bad about what happened and wanted to end it as well. He didn't want to be the cause of breaking up a marriage. My OM was only 20 and we just kinda got in over our heads with this A. I have to do this NC for me, not my H, not anyone here, but for myself. I'm trying!!

-win

Win - I was like you with determining not to let the A end. I knew it was over and I knew there was no way of going back to the A once it was all out in the open. It was very hard to let go of someone you care about and you know that person still cares about you as well. I hung on to whatever I could of the OM just to know that he was "there". There is a point where we have to realize we HAVE to let go. That's why I posted as I did yesterday. I knew if I posted I would get the encouragement here to do what I already know in my head is right. I needed that extra push to MAKE me do what's right.

Have you gone to the site today Win? I know it's a struggle to not look. If you have that site saved in your "favorites" - maybe take it off there, so it's not so easy to click on it.

2B-

No I haven't gone there yet today! That's progress! I did talk to him last night for like 2 minutes, then he had to go. So it's still pretty fresh. Just thinking about NC is painful to me. Plus this time of year is hard, last year things were really heating up, my H was about to go out of town and OM called me everynight, so there's all these memories. And thats really hard. Plus I don't really want to forget him, just earase him. It was a part of my life, I have to let go, but don't want to forget. Do you feel that way too?

I just keep trying to think about the fact that he really has no interest in talking to me anymore. That he already HAS moved on and I'm just hurting myself by hanging on. I knew from the beginning it wasn't a relationship that could ever last, that it was just a fling or whatever, not that I could stop it. Obviously I couldnt. H and OM had to stop it for me.

HOw long was your A 2B? I haven't kept up on all the posts.

-win

Win -
I just wanted to pop in and provide a hug ((((win bin)))). I know exactly how hard it is to start NC and go through the pain of withdrawls, just as Cards and 2BN do. It is without a doubt one of the most painful things I have ever had to do. Your heart tells you one very powerful urge, and yet your brain knows it isn't the right thing to do.

Feelings are o.k. You'll feel them. Just don't pick up the phone or check his site. Stop yourself when you have that urge, and you are going to have those urges every couple of minutes during the coming weeks. You won't forget OM probably ever, but those feelings of attraction will die and it won't hurt after it's really over in your mind.

Every time you give in, you are chipping away at your self-esteem because you hang up and probably say to yourself "why did I just do that??!!". Time to stand up now, ok? You'll be proud of yourself in a few weeks, I promise.

Keep busy, have a list of reasons why you shouldn't call. Every time you feel an urge, get up and go do something else or read your list. And when you need help, write here. We will all talk you out of it.

Hang in there Win. We've all been there and we've all done it. You can too...just have strength.
GS

Win - So proud of you for not looking at the site today!!
Win, how did you feel after you talked to the OM last night for 2 minutes?

It's very hard to think about NC forever isn't it? It's painful and there are those memories that still linger. I had talked to the OM from Feb of last year and D-Day was 12/29/04. If you don't remember my story - well I met this OM on the forum that I'm staying away from (as of today!) and we started to talk because he helped me to let go of another OM! Sounds crazy, but I never would have thought I would end up falling in love with this OM. We didn't admit our feelings until 9/04, so the real heat of the A was Sept - Dec.

It is hard to let go and to just erase this OM. I did it ever so slowly with little steps. It was so very hard to delete his pics, but I had to. I held on to so much and now I realize I have to let go for good! It will still be a struggle because I know he's on that forum posting, but I HAVE TO!

Keep strong Win!

2B
Last night I felt kind of annoyed with OM because as soon I as signed on and said hello, he had to go. But this is a good thing, I want to be annoyed with him. Though, I really deep down, can't be, but I'm trying!

Our EA started pretty hot and heavy right away in march 04. I was into flirting with guys then (H knew and was ok w/it), but we had a connection right away as he said. He started calling about a month after we met and continued up to Feb 05. I was actually calling other guys at the time as well, but he's the only one I was in love with and cared about, had a relationship with. Yes, thinking of NC forever, is something I can't think about right now. I just can't. I have to think about NC for right now, forever will follow. I'm no where near ready to delete the pix, that will have to wait. ONe step at a time. Just decided to have NC is a very big step for me, after almost 3 mo. in limbo.

-win

Win - I had wanted you to think about what you gained from the contact you had with the OM last night. Nothing really good right? Just try to think of that next time ok?

Your situation is different from mine, Win, but we BOTH know what's best for us and for our M's right? Just take it one day at a time. That's how I'm dealing with it today. When I woke up this morning, I told myself I will not look at that site today. I can deal with one day at a time. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will wake up with same attitude and hopefully each day will get a little easier and my feelings and memories will fade the longer I don't dwell on the OM.

Pics are hard to delete. It was the hardest thing for me to hit that delete key on them because I knew I could never recapture the pics again. But I also knew if I held on to them, it would destroy me. I know it's hard! It took me about 3 months to delete them. You'll get there Win.

I'm about to head out of work for the day. I'll keep you in prayer Win. Keep strong with NC and staying away from the site and let's try to encourage each other in this.

Try to not focus on the no contact as FOREVER! That thinking will just make you dig your heels in, as a defense mechanism for not letting go of the memories. You will ALWAYS remember OM no matter what - the EA impacted your life. But you have to allow the withdrawal to happen. Just because you withdraw, you will still have the memories.

Yes I can't really think that far. I'm just thinking of today. And how I'm doing today. I can't think about the future right now anymore. It's just been too much for me. I have to break it down into pieces. This is what I'll do today, and I'll think about tomorrow, tomorrow. I'm glad that we have eachother to help us! I don't think I can do this by myself.

-win

Hey guys!
I have been reading here and there but haven't wanted to jump in.

The OM in my life I had met through my H while we were at a sports event in another city. When we got back I added him to IM.


Our relationship developed bit by bit online and became a full fledged EA very fast. When I was back in the city where he lives, I met with him - not with the intention of it being PA, but it did of course become PA, twice.

After that we continued the online EA, until him and his family came to visit us one weekend and we got caught (which in my fog I lied off - it was a kiss in the bathroom)

At that point I knew it had to end. So i kept "breaking up" with him, but staying in contact with him as I felt I NEEDED his friendship - that how could I face the things in my marriage without my "Friend"

So the staying in contact thing, kept drawing me back in, as badly as I wanted out - I was stuck - it was like a slippery hill that I couldn't climb up, and kept sliding down into.

Until my H threw me the rope and I realized I could do NC. I could do it.

It was the best thing I ever did - luckily - my withdrawl was quick but I realized very quickly that I could do things without him - that my "friendship" was not really a friendship - but an addiction. An addiction to what he could do for me mentally. And I could never recover or see how I could be without him unless I got rid of him.

Sad thing is now I look back, and I see this skinny, ugly old man, who has many affairs on his wife, he has bad teeth, bad breath, and is a donkey compared to the purebred stallion my husband is.

But you will never see that unless you get the stregnth to do NC, and you have to fight leaving a door open - enlist friends you know, enlist your H if he knows, get people to help you. And do it. Do it for yourself. As someone who has been there - do it for yourself - the longer you prolongue it the more it will hurt you, and everyone involved.

Anyhow - that's just my 2cents!

I am glad you guys found a place where you can talk about it though - it helps doesn't it.

-ds

Again, how about the focus on the way things are BETTER now? If nothing else, think about the lack of stress that you've got now that you're not hiding anything from your H. While she never said it, I could SEE how much easier it was for my wife when she no longer had to hide things from me.

I'm still struggling with some rough 'memories' myself right now, but again, I'm trying to focus on how much better things are NOW.

I still have saved on my computer a 'letter' I wrote to my wife a year ago today...while she was still staying in the motel getting ready to fly away. It was NOT a nice letter...very un-MB like. She never got it from me...because it was really just a way for me to vent my feelings at the time. I glanced at it...and while I can still remember how I felt at the time, it's amazing to me now to look at just how different our R is now from then.

Last nite was spent in a sheer snuggle-fest on the couch. Watched a couple of shows together, read a little in her Bible, and played a game or two of cards with each other. Fell asleep with her head on my chest...I was thinking to myself that it couldn't get any better than this. And the wonderful thing is, she tells me that she feels the same way, and I can see it in everything that she says and does.

Realize that she was in a VERY similar situation as you ladies are now, just about 10 months ago. She had NO hope for our marriage, no real desire to even work on it. She stayed at the time because she felt like she had no other option.

Things CAN get better. It takes work, on both parts. And sometimes it's very hard and it's easy to lose hope...but it is NOT hopeless. Remember, God never gives us more than we can bear. And he is not only the God of peace, but he's also the same God who creates (and calms!) storms! He knows what your life is like right now...but given the chance, He'll show you a plan for you that will be more wonderful than anything you can imagine!

Hang in there my friends!

Cards

Definition

Closure: OP is outta yo life and you are outta OP's life. The "after effects" are for you to figure out.

Where's that cave again? Crawling in it sounds pretty good.