Well, I've got things setup for my wife to help her deal with all of the stress that we're dealing with right now. I had bought her tickets to a ladies retreat that will happen this weekend a while ago...I've made arrangements to make sure that she has directions, and is all set to go as soon as I get home from work tomorrow. The retreat is actually being held locally, so she's not going to spend the night there in a motel, but will come home each nite after the fun.

And next week will be something new for us as well. For the first time in almost 18 years, she's going to take a week's vacation without the family...she's going to visit her sister back 'home' where she grew up. I have to admit, that after what we went through last year, and the stress f the last few weeks, I'm not looking forward to her being gone myself. I AM worried that she's going to get there and not want to come back. The last time she was getting ready to fly by herself for the first time ever was when she was getting ready to leave for OM. Can't say that putting her on that plane next week will be fun for me...but I DO hope that it helps her get her feet back underneath her, and it helps her to appreciate all that I do for her as well.

Sorry for the vent all. Just wanted to speak my mind someplace.

Hey Owl, sounds like you've got a pile of stuff going on right now, can't say I envy you. At this point the idea of my W taking off for even an overnighter would make me a wreck. I know you're further along, but I completely understand the feeling you must be experiencing. All I can say is that once she's back, I bet things are even better. For one, maybe absense does make the heart grow fonder and for another, this is a great chance to see that everything really is OK. Still, it's going to be rough I'm sure. We're here for you though bud.

I appreciate it Sys. I have to say that part of what makes me feel odd about this too is that her sister lives on the 'same side' of the US as OM. It would put her a lot closer to where he lives. Now, I don't truly believe that she's going to see him, or anything like that. There has been NO contact in nearly a year now. And when we went online to buy her plane tickets, she intentionally took the ones that didn't have a layover in "his" city/state...she knew that it would not be cool for me.

I'm not 'happy' with her going, but at the same time I DO trust her and feel she should know that. So, we'll see how her visit goes, both for her and for me.

Owl - Your W should enjoy the ladies conference. I went to one back in the fall and wish my mind was clear of the OM at the time, but it was still an awesome time.

I can certainly understand how you may feel about you W leaving. I think at this point, my H would be ok with me going away. I had talked about flying to visit a friend out of state in the fall and he seems to have no problem with it.

Back in December when I was "thinking" of flying to see the OM, I had a "made up plan" to visit my brother who lives in the same area. My H at the time seemed ok with my "visit to my brother". But...I did found out later he was nervous because the 1st OM lives not too far of a driving distance from the 2nd OM. I know "my plan" would have flopped in my face and have no clue why I thought I could get away with it? Whenever I shall fly again I will avoid layovers in either of their cities to make my H comfortable.

Owl, why are you worried that she may not want to come back? You both have recovered so well and you do have complete trust in her? I'm just wondering why so nervous?

2B-
I don't know how to explain it, but I finally feel like I'm letting OM go. He made it very clear he doesn't want the A back. I've been thinking of him less and less. I have stopped going to his webpage everyday, so thats a start. I don't talk to him everyday, I was just saying that I had talked to him once this week and once last week. All we talked about was music. I don't want to talk to him everyday because it does me no good. You are right, I want to move on, I need to. And I will tell my H about the contact when he gets home.

Win - if you want to move on from the OM, then you need to do just that. Stop talking to him and move on. There is no reason to talk to him, Win, even if it is just about music. To me that just seems like an excuse...and I've had plenty of excuses myself. Honestly, sometimes I still have an urge to contact the OM, but I won't because it would dishonor my H and hurt him and our M.

Have you talked to your H at all since he's been away?

Yes, 2b you are right. There is no reason to talk to him except for his friendship. I guess I'm having a hard time letting go of that. We just have things in common with the music and stuff. I enjoyed talking to him and getting new music and stuff from him and I guess I just can't imagine not ever talking to him again. If I had known having the A would have risked ending the friendship, I wouldnt have wanted it to happen. I don't know. I'm just very confused and don't want to deal with any of this anymore.

Yes H has been calling me everyday. First time hes ever done that when hes been gone. Usually he'd call 1 or 2 times in 10 days, very sad.

-win

Win - I'm glad to hear that your H has been calling you everyday. It may be a first time Win, but it shows he is changing for YOU!


Win, friendship with the OM is not possible. I know it hurts to think of never talking to him again, but remember take one day at a time. You were doing so well with NC just days ago. When does your H get back from his trip?

HE gets back on sunday, I'm not really looking forward to it however. It's just been nice to not have him around. I know that sounds bad, but its true.

I was never really doing that well with NC. It just wasnt that often, every week or 2 and usually just chat for a few minutes or so. I know you're right. I know it.

Win, I'm sorry you feel that way about your H returning. But, I feel you like him being gone because you don't want to face dealing with what you know you have to deal with to repair your M. I do understand needing and wanting space at times, but things HAVE to be dealt with in order to progress and get better. I know you know that.

As far as NC, none of us here can make you do it. YOU are the only one that can. We are here to support you and help you through it, but only YOU can make the choice to stick with it. I KNOW you know this as well, Win. Just know we are here for you and do care about you.

Thanks 2b for your support. I know I have to try at least. I don't know if it can be repaired or if I want it to be. H needs more IC and needs to change a lot of things because I deserve to be with someone who knows how to love me and respects me. He thinks in 2 mo. he has covered all the issues and I should be back in love. You cant change 38 yrs of behavior in a month. He doesnt get it and it makes me skeptical. I haven't been happy for many years and I don't know if I have the strength or desire to do it anymore.

Hi everyone -

Even though I've not been posting much due to my extreme workload in the last few weeks, I continue to read every day. My thoughts are with all of you and I want to lend the support that you have all given to me! I miss that!

Win-

Keep going with the NC. We know that it's hard to imagine not having contact ever - I still struggle with that even after all these weeks of NC. It's a loss, no getting around that. Occasionally I even think about how easy it would be to call, but as I run the conversation through my head I realize how ridiculous it is. The point is you will have those thoughts for a while yet (maybe a LONG while), but SOON you will stop yourself and redirect what you're thinking about. It may not be that what stops you from contacting OM is thinking about your H. You may have to find other thought processes that make you stop - ie "we'll never be together", "he doesn't want to hear from me anyway", etc. EVENTUALLY, after the fog and withdrawal, the wrong about it will prevail and that will stop you. But right now, make a mental note of what you have to tell yourself to stop yourself so that you can draw on it for the next time. Believe me, I have had to do that.

Owl, you do sound like you've got too much going on. You are doing a dynamite job taking care of your W, but please don't neglect taking care of yourself, too. Those kids and your W NEEDS you, so make sure you or someone is helping you with your new meds and letting you talk when you need it. Maybe you are too much of a giver, OWL? Otherwise, we are all here for you, too! You and 2BN are REALLY starting to scare me with this teenager thing!

2BN (and everyone else who's listening)-

I wasn't really nervous about any of this a month ago when we bought the tickets...both her flight tickets and the tickets to the conference.

But the last few weeks have actually been a major stress time for us. She's commented repeatedly how the whole house has felt like it did back when we 'were in trouble'. She's made comments about wishing she could 'run away' again...which is the same thing she said during her A. (Her 'theme song' with OM was the song "Runaway" by The Corrs).

Even today...I worked from a building closer to home, and was able to go home for lunch, which I am rarely able to do. But everything got stressed all out of proportion all over again. Trying to lighten things up, I'd made the joke that maybe we should sell the kids and use the money for a cruise in the Bahamas...and she 'joked' back saying she'd go alone! And when I didn't laugh about that, she got angry that I couldn't take it as a joke! Sorry, but given all that's happened lately, it didn't come across as one, and I struggle with believing that she truly meant it as one.

Again, sorry for the vent. It's simply that things are really to a boiling point right now with EVERYONE in our family, and I'm worried that SOMETHING is going to break. And I haven't been able to do much of anything to reduce the situation any.

Owl -

STRESS and MAJOR STRESS! These things really do a number on us. I know for myself right now I am in survival mode. It sounds like you AND your wife are both stressing big time. Try to look at it and know it's temporary. Your W is stressed but you have planned a getaway for her. She WILL NOT act on what your stressed out mind is imagining. You KNOW that and she KNOWS that. Don't misinterpret and read into things that she is saying when everyone is at the boiling point. We ALL feel like running away alone at times. I know that I have certainly voiced that to my whole family many times!!! She will go away, regroup, and feel much better when she gets back. And YOU, while she is gone, will have a chance to pull yourself together too. Try to relax and do something for YOU this weekend. You sound like you are both just at the height of it right now. In 24 or 36 hours you will both be feeling tons better, and by the end of the weekend you can both come together and reconnect.

LOL...Cards, the nice thing is that you're giving me the exact same advice I've tried giving my wife and kids. That this stress IS temporary.

I'm trying to relax and calm down, but just not having much success at this point. I do know that she's going to come home after her trip, and I do know that she's got nothing planned but some getaway time with her sister. The good thing is that her sister was actually a very good help for us in dealing with her EA...made it very clear to Nancy that she was making a HUGE mistake in throwing away what we'd worked on for so long.

I know we'll make it through all of this...I just hope that it starts to subside soon.

I have no idea on what to do for myself this weekend. It's been so long since I've even really THOUGHT about doing something just for me that I'm not sure where to start. Oh well...I'll think of something. Have a good evening all.

cards, You're right, you're right! The truth is its been such a struggle to give him up, I'm a mess. I don't want to give up the relationship because I'm afraid to face what lies in my M. I need to face the truth. It's so hard to give up the EN's that I haven't been getting for so long. I learned in IC that the OM was meeting EN's that I didn't even realize I had or that I knew a man could actually fill. I craved something I didnt know I needed and when I got it it's so hard to let go. I know H won't be able to meet it, at least for a while. Maybe he can learn to, but he needs to learn how to let me in to his life. And how to have emotional intimacy w/someone, whcih is what I got from OM.

I need help, please, please help me to be strong.

Thanks everyone

-win

Owl-

Be careful here.....



I think many of us in this stage of our lives with kids, spouses, and all the rest, can fully identify with your statement. BUT, probably some of us here neglected ourselves too long and found ourselves here on this board (if you know what I mean!). Not that you would find yourself in THIS situation, Owl, but you may find yourself realizing that your needs have not been being met and find some other inappropriate way to fulfill yourself. How's that for turning the tables???? All meant only to give you some food for thought, OWL.

Stress! We all go through periods of stress and somehow we manage to make it through...till the next time...LOL! Seems like a never ending cycle! I think most people feel like running away when things get really stressed. I've said it myself many times. Yes, in regards to the OM, but also in other times as well.

Owl, I'm sure this weekend retreat for your W will do her alot of good and she will come back refreshed. As Cards said, take some time for yourself this weekend. Maybe do something special with the kids (if they don't add more stress!). Or how about planning something special for your W for when she returns?? Would give you something to look forward to!

Win -
Win - You already stated before that there is nothing left with the OM and he has moved on. There is NOTHING left to hang on to! All you have are the memories that you are hanging on to and those memories are the memories of the EN's that you had met. Yes, your H CAN learn to meet them, but you have to give him the chance. M is hard work and it won't come easy. There are many things I learned about my A and EN's that I didn't know I needed as well. But I can't hang onto the thoughts of the OM and how he met my needs. We need to look to the future with our M's and reality. You need to give your H a chance to fill your needs. Right now, all you can see are his past failures, but you need to look beyond that and try to discover what the 2 of you have and can be.

Win-



Try to think of these 2 as independent. Your R with OM is separate from your M. You have to give up the R with OM because it only exists now as memories, just as 2BN said. OM has moved on. Deal with that as a separate issue, recognize the withdrawal and loss that you will have to deal with. THEN, look at the M. You did know the truth about your M even before the EA, which contributed to why the EA began.



I TOTALLY understand this statement, and so does 2BN, and many, many others. ALL of our OM met these unknown needs for us. I am still trying to figure out exactly what those needs were for me. I WANT to know so that I can find where/who can fill them. Maybe some of the needs can be met by H, maybe some by friends, maybe some by an activity, I'm not sure yet. But we need to fill them not with EA's and PA's.

I know you don't WANT to let the R go, but in time the cravings will fade. And you probably don't even WANT the cravings to fade because you know how good it felt. But it will be so much better when you aren't feeling such misery and conflict. You will still remember how satisfying those feelings were and you won't ever forget OM, but you will "see" with unfoggy vision that you can strive to fill those needs elsewhere. You will be able to foresee a time when someone or something else can step into those shoes. You will be able to decide rationally if that will be your H or not. You will still feel the loss of those needs being met but you will work to get them met in a healthy way.



Yes, this was much of it for me, too, with OM. My H has been emotionally distant, too, but he NOW knows that I so need this. Did our H's fill this need for us ever? They must have at some point. In some ways I view it as though we are starting over with our M. There is a lot of marital history that gives us a great base to start with, and then build from there however we want it to be.

Good morning everyone -
I have much going on soon. We are having our daughter's graduation party on Sunday and then our family vacation next Wed.! Seems like time is flying by!

I am really looking forward to our time away as a family. It will be nice to be away from a computer for awhile as I haven't been away from a computer since last summer on our last family vacation! Looking forward to making some good memories and the timing is just right. 5 months or so ago I wouldn't have wanted to go but there is much to look forward to now.

Hope everyone is doing well this morning!