Cards and 2BN-

Thanks for the advice and well wishes...it helps. I WILL give more thought to doing things for myself...it's something that would do both myself and my marriage a lot of good I think.

Well, did one thing to help sort stuff out in reference to the gaming issue. I sent an email to the OM from a character on a different server...one that will be deleted once this email interchange is done. The email was very to the point, and in no way could he have taken it as an attack or offensive. Simply asked him to respond to the email and let me know if it was really him or not, and that was pretty much it. Let him know that there would be NO further contact at all from me or my family to him, after this one time exchange. I did let him know that the reason I was asking was so that I could decide if I would continue to play or not...so we'll see what we get.

I THINK that the wife and I have MC this afternoon...if so, I think it's going to a the first rough one we've had in while. Simply due to the stress we've all been going through.

I hope that all of you have a great day!

Owl -
I hope the email exchange turns out OK. It sounds like you were right to the point of things and no offense should be taken. I was thinking of your situation in relation to the forum situation of the OM. It would be tough if my H and I were posting on there and saw the OM's s/n constantly even if it really wasn't him. Just seeing the name would be a constant reminder.

MC for you and your W today should be a good thing (even it rough) due to the stress you both have been in. Hopefully you both will get some good direction.

Aye, that's my hope as well. And our MC is good at pointing out the things that we do RIGHT too... a lot of times we get so wrapped up in what went wrong, we forget to watch what went right!

I won't lie...I DO have some small worry that the OM might try to use this as a way to weasel back into contact with my W...but at this point, I don't think that he'd be very successful in doing so...he's more likely to end up talking with my 19 year old son if he tries sending messages to her...and THAT would be something funny to watch. My oldest boy would VERY likely give him what for...LOL

Anyway...I hope your vacation is wonderful and blessed!

Owl - I can't imagine that the OM would really try to start things back up after a year of NC....especially with your email being very direct and to the point as well. I can understand your worry there though, but you seem to have things covered well to where he can't communicate with your W.

We don't leave for our vacation until next Wed....thank you for the well wishes there.

2BN-

The truth is, if he REALLY decided to contact her, he would have already found a way. He could have tried her old email accounts, he knew her yahoo IM that she still uses...so he could have done so, but hasn't. I just don't want to stir all that back up again either. Now...what would be ideal to hear would be something like:

"Well, no worries here. Met and married a wonderful person (dog, cat, yeti...I don't care), and am very happy with how my life is going. But, since you're still in game, I'll pack up and go back to playing Lineage II (or Super Mario Bros...again, I don't care...LOL). Best wishes, and may none of us ever meet again...ever."

THAT would be what I'd really want to hear...that he would have filled whatever hole he had in his life that he wanted to fill by taking my wife. Lessen my worries, and it would be the best solution for all concerned. Who knows, that would be good. The second best solution would be:

"Sorry, this isn't [OM]. This is XYZ, his friend. He was run over by a beer truck last month and left his account to me in his will."

OK...it was my lame attempt at humor on a Friday morning. Hope it made someone chuckle.

Owl- Funny! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />...It would be nice to imagine such a response I'm sure from your end of things.

True that the OM could have contacted your W in a number of ways. Just like I have a number of ways to contact the OM and he as well for me - but the point is we aren't and either has this OM. I will be honest in that it might stir up a thought or 2 in his head of wondering how your W may be doing, but I honestly don't think he would contact her if he hasn't in a year....and hopefully you will get a response of scenerio #1 or #2!!

Cards and 2b

Thanks for your encouragement! I know u are both right. I am finally ready to let go of OM and see where it leads me. I think it was actually good that my H has been out of town so that I can just focus on me and my conflict this week w/out thinking so much about H and the M. Maybe not having the pressure of him around helped me to see that I need to DO something. I still feel very sad about the OM but you're right, there's nothing to hold on to and I can't live in limbo anymore. I don't know why this has taken me so long to realize. It has been a growth experience for me I guess! I am still having moments of great sadness but it's not as bad as it was a few months ago.

And you're right, I won't know if my M can work if I don't give it a try. Then if things don't work at least i know I tried everything I could. I guess its hard to trust my H again. He's in such a rush and I really need to go slow with this, like a new relationship.

As far as my EN, I did discuss this in IC and its something I've been trying to figure out as well. What made OM so attractive to me, other than it being a new relationship with a different man. It's hard to figure out but I think I'm figuring it out.

thanks guys!

-win

Win - I quoted you above because you have said this many times over and over. What does this mean to you when you say this? Be honest...I'm listening.

2b,

I dont know, I guess I realized finally that there was no point. I'm just tired of hanging on for no reason I guess. He's moved on and he has said this again recently so I'm just torturing myself by hanging on. I don't know why I'm just realizing this. Yes, admittedly IF he hadn't moved on, I'm not sure I would have been able to give him up. But I guess I've eventually gotten to the point where I'm not really getting what I need from the relationship anyway, so why continue to pine over it? I feel sadness for the loss but I'm tired of the withdrawal, I want to feel happy again.

-win

2BN-Congrats on the graduation in your family AND for a well deserved vacation. I hope all goes well for you. Hopefully getting away from the pc will help you, too. I did miss the pc and this site while I was gone, but I think that was partly because of the nature of our trip. Anyway, have a wonderful time.

Owl-I understand your concerns about OM, but I agree with 2BN - it seems doubtful that he would want to contact your W after this amount of time. I guess you never know, though, and if you can ease your mind in any way, then it was the right thing to do. I do hope that you get a response, otherwise you will still be wondering.

My H is taking me out tonight for our anniversary. I don't know what we're doing, he is great at coming up with things and surprising me. Hhmmm.....maybe this is the "language of love" he would like to receive love in. Anyway, he has been very supportive for me in the recent weeks with my work pressures - he has done much of the running for the kids and not pressured me in other areas of our lives. He even has arranged an appt with a travel agent to plan something for our 20th next year. For him to take the initiative on something like that is a BIG deal. I am glad that I am in a place where I can recognize his efforts.

Win, I am mostly through withdrawal, and I can see what I tried to tell you yesterday. I do not feel head over heels in love with my H, because I didn't even feel that prior to the EA. BUT, I do see much improvement in the way we are treating each other. Just the fact that there is now an awareness that we can't take M for granted has somehow put us closer on the same page. It will be small steps for a time, but at least they are steps going forward. You will gradually get to this place too.

For those of us who hadn't made the decision to end our EA's, it is especially hard. We had not gotten to the point of having to make a choice or realizing the wrongness of what we were doing. We have to look at it as a blessing, though, that for whatever reason it was ended for us. Eventually, something would have had to give - either it continues and escalates and our families are destroyed, OR it ends. Either way, MUCH more hurt and pain the longer it would continue. Not much consolation, I'm afraid, but the facts are that it was hurtful to ourselves and other people no matter what.



I know the feeling of "being tired of the withdrawal". I felt that way, too. I just wanted to feel NORMAL! NO CONTACT and TIME, Win. Stick with it!

Cards - Enjoy your anniversary with your H! It's wonderful that he has taken the initiative to plan something special and is even working on your 20th for next year! Good progress there! Our 20th is next year as well and I'm really hoping my H does start to plan as well. He knows I want him to...so I'll wait and see what happens.

Win - I do understand the sadness you feel. Admittedly, I even cried the other day thinking about the OM. Not that I will contact him, but there was a sadness in me about the loss of his friendship. This hasn't happened often lately, but it still does from time to time. Time and NC is what is needed Win. If you really hold to NC now, you are at the beginning and you will feel the sadness. But HOLD on to NC and let time help you.

Take care everyone and have a great weekend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks cards, The funny thing is even DURING the A I knew that it was going to have to end at some point. I knew he'd probly find a gf and dump me, and that I should break it off, but I guess because I was so addicted to getting my EN's met I just couldnt let go.

It's just hard to give up those needs that I know my H has never been able to fill. I learned in IC that I probably didn't even know they were needs that I knew I had and I know I didn't know how to explain to H that I felt something was missing. I didn't know what it was so I couldnt tell him what to do. I'll just have to do without them for a while and see what happens.

Plus H and I have so many problems to deal with that it was easier to hold on to the A than face all these issues. And I guess I'm afraid of what's going to happen next. More afraid that I will give up the needs that I have and not be happy. I have to stand up and make sure I get what I need from H and if he can't change I have to accept it and move on.

This is all easier to say than to actually do!!

cards and 2b I've seen how you have struggled and it does give me hope that I can move on from this. I've been just as torn up as you guys were and if there's a light at the end of the tunnel I'm ready to see it!

-win

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

My wife's conference was AWESOME for her. She had a great time both days...normally she will take notes during something like this, but didn't this time. She felt bad that she hadn't, but I just told her that maybe this time she was supposed to go so that SHE would be fed, not so that she'd have to use it to help everyone else. She did come back with some great music and a few nice things that she's really happy with.

No response at all on the email to OM I sent 'in game'. I KNOW that he'd logged the char in that I sent the email to, so I'm sure he's seen it. Oh well, either I'll hear something or I won't.

Well, hope ya'll had a good weekend.

Hi everyone.

Glad to hear things went well for you this weekend Owl -you sound a lot better than you did last week. I might not be surpised if OM blows you off, for a multitude of reasons. I'm not sure that my OM would talk to me either when I think about it -what the hell does he care about me?

My weekend although trying due to some crabby kids and lack of sleep (just late to bed early to rise, nothing traumatic), went really well. Although there hasn't been any defining watershed moment, my W and I seem to have made some kind of serious progress. She is now smiling a lot more (at me), she is initiating physical contact, seems pretty relaxed and shows a lot more concern for me than she has in a long time. I can't define it, but I feel that we are really reconnecting. I've also come to the realization that I don't feel like either of us is on some kind of a timeline at this point. Until recently I was really concerned that one or both of us had some undefined limit on when our relationship had to be "fixed". Now I realize that we are both in it for the duration. Again, I'm not sure where that comes from, but it is clear to me that my W has decided that barring extraordinary circumstance, "we" are "our" future.

The only thing that is still nagging at me is that there are detail of the EA that I feel I need to come to grips with that I don't have information on. I need to know some things, but with everything going so well at the moment, I really don't feel like picking open these wounds now. I'll be sure to bring it up at our MC session this week.

Hope everyone is well.

Sys-

MC would probably be the best place to ask those questions, for two reasons. She may feel a little more comfortable having the MC there (so that you don't 'blow up on her'), and she won't be able to lie as easily to two people. Not to mention that he might be able to help her understand why you need the info.

Not sure how much better I'm feeling at the moment myself, but I AM finally back on some AD's, after about two weeks of being cold turkey off of them.

I'm VERY glad to hear that things are going well for you my friend. It sounds to me like you two are doing great. Think about it...you're doing TONS better than you were a month or two ago.

Hi everyone - We had a great weekend and our daughter's graduation party went well with no rain! It had been raining so much lately, but we were spared for the party!

Things seem to be still going well with my H and I, and had a pretty good weekend overall. We are both getting focused on our vacation coming up in 2 days and looking forward to it.

Owl - So glad to hear that your W had an awesome experience at the conference. I didn't take notes either when I went to that conference last fall, but I still came away with so much that I learned. I'm sure your W did as well. Hope your weekend alone went well for you.

Regarding not hearing back from the email...what do you plan to do if you don't ever get a response? Will you just assume it's not him and stay on that server? I had wondered this last week and sometimes I think it's harder to NOT get a response!

Sys - Glad to hear that you and your W are really doing well and really reconnecting. I agree with Owl regarding bringing up the issue that you are concerned about in MC.

I'm glad everyone is doing well! We had a great anniversary night on Friday - my H made me feel very special. I am trying to learn and appreciate that he is showing me love by planning me surprises and buying me gifts. It did make me feel loved that he arranged dinner for us and 2 other couples, bought me 2 dozen roses, picked up travel brochures for a future trip, and bought me a ruby necklace! The rest of our weekend was pleasant as well.

Sys-



I think both my H and I came to realize this as well. Initially I know I felt that we needed to do something quick in order to preserve our M. It was almost like I didn't trust myself - especially during the harder times of withdrawal. I needed and wanted my H to fill those needs right away because I felt so "unstable" in my feelings. Now we've relaxed a bit, and we both are feeling comfortable and secure again. It sounds like you are feeling that security, too, Sys.

My only concern with this "relaxed" attitude is that we get complacent again and forget what we have been through. I really don't see that happening, for I can't imagine either of us really forgetting the experience. We have both learned a lot, and I am still searching for some answers about myself.

Owl, I hope you get some resolution with the email situation and OM. Maybe you should prepare yourself in the event you get no response. Is there a next move.............or let it go?

2B & Win----how are you doing?

I know exactly what you mean -my concern too. Among other things I don't want for us to feel like we're fixed and don't have any work left to do just because things are feeling OK. Don't think we'll ever forget though.

Owl-you know, if he isn't replying, he probably isn't any harm anyway -sounds like he's not interested in contact either. My thought though is this -if he didn't reply, it's most likely him. Someone else would most likely give you a simple, "sorry, I'm not him" message without a thought. Not hearing back implies to me that it's him and he's avoiding you.

Cards - Wow! It certainly sounds like your H did well with your anniversary!

I have to be honest that when I hear things like what your H did (and other H's for their W's), I get jealous because that's what I want my H to do. It's not his gift, but something I desire. I need to learn to accept him and the gifts he does have or else I'm constantly wishing he was something he isn't. I have a hard time dealing with this at times and don't know how to overcome it? My H and I have discussed these issues and he is aware of it.


I get concerned with this as well, but I also feel we have learned from this and are continuing to learn.