Well, next response would be a cross-server 'tell' to the OM...basically IMing him in game from a user name that I'll end up deleting once our conversation is over. If he doesn't respond to that, I'll have a gameplan worked out for that in advance. I'm probably not going to do anything within the next two weeks at this point anyway...this Friday my wife leaves on a week vacation to her sisters. Not sure WHAT I'll be doing during that timeframe...LOL.

And we'll have to wait until after THAT to make a server move if that's what we decide to...won't be able to afford to do it and cover her vacation too.


Glad to hear that everyone's weekends went well!!

Sys-

Good point, and one that I'd thought of. And have debated on the value of a tell...same kind of issue. And I really DON'T have a desire to get into it with him...

We'll see how things run over the next week and then during the wife's vacation...and I'll have a plan in place by the time she gets back.

2BN-

My H has always been good about surprising me and buying gifts - not that's it's very often, necessarily, but he does get joy from it. That is a weakness for me. It's hard with my left brain to be creative and think of cool things to do and buy. I have not appreciated this fact about him in the past but I am trying now. Again, thanks to that book, I realize his showing love in this way is probably how he would like to receive it, too. Part of the EN that I need from him more is conversation & sharing of feelings. We are working on that, too.

Something that I thought about last week during some discussions with Win, is the idea of continuing thoughts of OM. I was feeling frustrated yet again that I was still having OM thoughts. What occurred to me is that we should recognize and expect that our memory won't suddenly disappear from our minds. Our memory of our EA's will gradually fade and we will continue to be able to put it in perspective. I remember thinking and WANTING thoughts of OM to just go away forever - forget everything so I can move on. I don't think that will happen - when I think back to R's before my H when I loved other men, I can remember how I felt about those people. Maybe I am unusual in that way, but I doubt it. I think the experience that we've had will always be with us in some way.

Cards-

You won't just 'forget' about him. What happened is in your past, and you can't remove it. BUT...you CAN keep it from being your present...think about it.

Take a look for a book called "The Battlefield of the Mind", by Joyce Meyers. I've just started reading it myself.

Hello,
I'm doing alright I guess, just depressed. H came home last night and he was so happy and excited to see me. I felt bad because I just don't feel that way. I was sort of dreading it, in a way. At least he's happy and so are the kids. I'm worried cuz I feel myself shutting down my feelings like I have been in the past few years.

It's good to see you guys 2b and cards are doing better with your M's.

-win

Win-

Have you told your H that you IM'ed with OM while he was gone yet?

Might that be part of your dread of his return?

I personally feel that a large part of your 'dread' and unhappiness around your H is due to guilt...but I could be full of snot too. Part of the problem is that he'll NEVER be able to meet your needs if YOU don't let him. And he'll never WANT TO if you continue to behave like you have...angry, recalcitrant, unforgiving, and above all still in contact with OM.

Cards - Thanks for your thoughts. The gifts, surprises etc. are not one of my "high needs" when I think about it in terms of Love Languages. But it is something that I associate with romance. For some reason, even though the OM could not obviously provide the gifts and surprises, etc. since we never met, I felt that he could (if we had been together)and I fantasized about being romanced. My H is not a romantic in those terms and maybe that was part of my attraction to the OM too? In reality, he may not have been what I thought he was, but in my fantasy he was.

It's true that we can't remove all thoughts of the OM, but we can take our focus off of the OM. My mind does slip back from time to time and dwell on some of the conversations I had with the OM, but it has become less of my focus. I would think as time goes by, we will start to think back less. We won't forget, but our thoughts will become less of the OM.

Win - It's great that your H was excited to see you and the kids. Why do you think you didn't feel that way about him coming home?

2b no I haven't told H yet. I'm sure he'll read all my posts so he will know. Frankly I don't have any guilt about talking to OM, thats not it. I enjoyed the peace while my H was gone and being on my own. He really wanted me to be happy and jump back in his arms and he was starting to get grumpy when I didn't. This is what I dreaded. I will tell him though.

\

I wasn't getting grumpy. I was simply tired from travelling cross-country all day, and not sleeping well the night before. Plus you made it obvious that you were more interested in watching TV than talking to me, so I decided to go to bed. Of course I wanted you to be happy that I was home, and I was sad that you weren't, but it's not like there's much I could do about it, other than go to bed...

Welcome back, Bass.

I still think that the both of you could REALLY benifit from a GOOD marriage counselor. It seems to me like the two of you need some kind of 'neutral ground' to be able to talk and work through things.

Yeah, I'll second that Owl. Our MC while fairly passive, has been a vital part of our recovery. He provides us with a neutral referee, a cheerleader for our marriage and a voice of reason and wisdom. He gives us the perspective that we can't have right now.

Well, we seem to talk about things just fine when we are in the MC sessions. It's when we leave the office that our communication stops. I have to come on here to see how Win is feeling and what she is thinking. Our communication needs a lot of work; it's hard to transfer what we learn in MC and from books into real-life. I'm working on discussing my feelings with her in person. It's so much easier for us right now to discuss things via email than face-to-face.

When my wife and I were in the very beginning stages of recovery, it worked like this for us too. We were able to IM about the affair (rather ironic, when you think about the fact that her EA was online, via IM's mostly) much more openly and honestly than we could talk face to face...it was easier to avoid the hurt, and talk about the issues.

I do hope that you both can get to a point where you can be able to talk openly and honestly with each other, without either person fearing an attack.

I didn't want to tell him as soon as he got home that I talked to OM while he was gone. He got home late. The thing is I'm not sure he really wants to know what I am thinking or feeling right now, If it's not postitive about the M. ALso I'm still sorting a lot of this out in my head and sometimes discussing it just leads to a fight. I guess that's what we're suppose to do. If he totally wants to know everything, then he needs to be prepared for it.

Win-

AGREED. And it applies to BOTH of you. YOU should also deliver that information without attacking him as well. BOTH of you need to learn to LISTEN without reacting. And you need to be able to tell how you feel without ATTACKING the other person.

It takes work, but it's the only way that you can work through the issues.

Well, no response from the email to the OM at this point. I'm figuring that Sys is right, it IS the OM, and he's avoided responding.

I'm going to wait until after my wife gets back from her trip to make any further plans on it for now.

One good thing...we'd started last week in having a family devotional during the weeknights. They've gone pretty well, and the kids have been good about participating and taking them seriously. Last nite's devotional was on self-control, one of the "Fruits of the Spirit". I'm hoping that we'll see some benifit from that particular lesson for the WHOLE family.

Owl - It must be the OM since no response to the email. I would imagine the OM in my situation might not respond if after a year he received an email as such.

The family devotions sound great! That is something we stopped doing altogether as a family when the 1st OM came into the picture...stopped by me. We have not resumed them since.

What are you using for a devotional guide to keep your teenagers interested? And...how long does your family spend doing the devotion? Would like to know how other families do devotions and keep their teens interested!

Hope everyone else is doing well today!

God's Garden of Grace by Elizabeth George is one...the other is Fruit of the Spirit by Hazel Offner.

We're using the two of these to put together a devotional/lesson plan for each evening. LOL...remember that both my wife and I used to teach Sunday School many years ago, so we're used to setting something like this up.

We shoot for trying to have a half our devotional, but it usually ends up being closer to an hour. And we do occasionally struggle with keeping some of them interested the whole time, depending on moods and such, but most of the time they've been pretty active participants.

One of our 'assignements' under the fruits of the spirit (specifically, love) was that each person was randomly assigned someone else, and they had to do something for that person that showed them that they love them. Just prior to this, we had each person talk about what makes them feel loved (a la The Five Love Languages). We gave them a couple of days to make this happen. It was interesting to see what they all came up with.

Thanks Owl - I'll make a note of those books and take a look at them at the bookstore. It sounds like you and your W do a great job with the devotions!

Are your younger set of twins girls? I had thought I remembered you saying that your oldest are boys. We struggle with the girls not really wanting to open up during the devotions and I feel it will be hard to get back into again..but...I'm sure my H would like to start and he would welcome the idea of me wanting to start up again...especially if I did the searching for a good devotional book!

2BN- Oldest set is a boy and a girl (just graduated high school), and the youngest set is two boys (Sophmore's). Our daughter IS the hardest one to reach and keep involved in this...not so much because she's a girl, just because of her own personal circumstances at the moment. So she can be kind of 'hit or miss' in how much she gets out of these, but she does get it sometimes.


Win/Bass- So how did the discussion about resumed contact with OM go??