Owl-

Doing fine, thank you. Actually, within myself I'm doing somewhat better. I'm still trying to answer these internal questions that seem to be hindering my ability to move forward into the future. I'm not struggling about OM. It's about the entire event and how my thinking went so haywire. I still want to know how it all happened. In my opinion it's more complicated than I met a guy online, starting talking to him, then became emotionally attached. That's the beginning of it, but how did I let myself become so detached from reality during that time? How did I become so immersed in the fantasy? How could just merely lacking some EN's do all of that? I tried to explain this to my H the other night and I felt a lot better. He has been resistant to listening about the EA & my feelings because he takes it so personally and focuses only on the fact that there was another M involved, but I was trying to explain that it is much more than OM. Anyway, he did listen and I'm not sure exactly what he thought, but it helped me to just be able to express it. At one point he said he can't be my counsellor and I got frustrated because I wasn't asking for him to be. I just wanted to explain it all to him.

I wrote the title of the book down that you recommended, Owl. I will check it out. I am looking for some reading that would help me answer those questions. Any other book suggestions along those lines? You seem to do a lot of self analysis yourself, so maybe you understand why I want to figure this out.

Win-

I understand that you feel the past is part of the present & future. Your hurt and pain resulted from things done in the past. I think it's necessary for you both to be able to express ALL of your hurts and pains - and both of you acknowledge each other's points of views. But once you both have had the chance to explain, those things have to be put to bed so you can start to move ahead. It sounds like there is still so much anger & resentment and it may take many counselling sessions in order to communicate it all and deal with it. You will have to deal with those feelings before you can move forward, and you have to recognize that holding onto all that is resentment and anger will continue to immobilize YOU, not just your M.

My H and I have always had to go back and re-explain things to each other. Many, many times what I say he "hears" differently. Our communication styles are very different. My H tends to blurt out what comes to mind, whereas I choose my words very carefully so that I say what I really mean. Neither of us is wrong, but this has caused us many a problem with communcating. At least after 19 years we both know this!

Sys, hope you are doing well.

Cards-

I can completely understand your wish to understand how 'you let it happen'...so to speak, and I'm NOT saying that with any kind of blame at all. I am the kind of person who has to understand everything myself.

Sadly, I don't think you'll ever reach a point where it will truly make sense. You can't grasp the logic of something that is completely irrational.

And the whole affair thing does seem to be something that is completely irrational. It doesn't follow any 'logic'...it's all based on emotions, and emotional responses. You can sorta make some sense out of it, but at some point you're just going to have to say 'well, I did that because it's what I felt like doing at the time, and I did it without any thought to long term consequences'.

You'll probably be better served by focusing on making things better now, and not worry as much about the past. But...always remember how bad it CAN get if you let it too. That's about all I can do on my end of things.

Ranger! LMAO

I've never heard anything good about rangers. My W started out as a Ranger then switched to a Necro. She is forever poking fun at Rangers )

Uh-oh...I don't have much use for necros!! OM in our case ran a gnome necro as his main!! LOL


Sorry for the threadjack...it's what happens when you let two gamers talk! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Owl-



I guess you're right, Owl. I only thought understanding it would help me understand myself better. This has really affected my sense of "self" and who I thought I was. I believe I'm feeling the guilt and wrong about it and I want to know how I would compromise my values. So......it has really shaken my perception of my identity and value system. Very unsettling.

I can imagine Cards. My only insight into this from your perspective would be what I've observed in my wife. She hasn't talked much about feeling guilt or shame over what happened, but the few times she has, she's made it clear that it's something that she's dealing/dealt with. In her case, she's basically recognized her role in what happened, and she's turned it over to God to deal with.

Again, ALL of us have made mistakes in our past. The trick is to know how to avoid making that same mistake again, and in doing your best to fix things and set them right after you recognize the mistake that you've made. And after that...do your best to just let it go.

Oh dear, I can't take any advice from a gamer!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

There are no more issues. I asked her to move out this weekend. At least Pep will be happy that we've failed.

Thanks to all on here who tried to help, especially Owl and Cards. This marriage was just not meant to be saved.

Bass and Win-

I'm very sorry to hear that you've given up. I hope that everything works out the best possible way that it can for the both of you, and you children.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Win & Bass-

I am so sad, it almost made me cry to read your post. I don't know what to say, except that there must have been parts of both of you that wanted to save the M. Otherwise you wouldn't have BOTH posted here and attended MC. Maybe some time separate will allow you both to work on your own selves. Maybe then you will be able to "go the distance" and put more time into the M to find your ways back to each other. I sincerely hope so.

Dear Bass ... your marriage is as important as any other marriage. If your marriage cannot be saved, that is very sad.

Pep

Well, I have to admit that I'm still nervous about putting my wife on the plane tomorrow to go visit her sister. It's completely irrational, but it's how I feel. I've talked with her a bit about it, and she knows and understands how I feel. At the same time, I think it should be a good thing for her...I think she needs a break from me and the kids for a bit. I'm hoping for the 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' premise to kick in.

Owl,

Why are you so nervous about this? Has she done something to prompt your concern? And isn't her heart "fond" towards you right now? Is this about trust and your insecurity stemming still from the EA?

(Good luck answering all those questions - now you know what's always going on in my head about my own issues!)

Pep, sorry I threw in that shot at you. I was a little upset when I posted and I shouldn't have added that. My apologies.

Cards-

OK...I can answer these easily enough. LOL!

My nervousness makes NO sense, but it's still there. She has knows that I'm a little worried about this, but she also knows that I understand her need for this, and I am willing to support her in going. (Matter of fact, I spoke to the kids a few minutes ago asking them to do a good job in helping Mom get packed out.)

It DOES stem from the affair tho. I would not have been as nervous about this if it hadn't been for what happened last year. Guess just putting her on a plane is something of a trigger for me right now. And it's just a matter of insecurity on my part...she's done NOTHING to give me any reason to be worried about this trip.

I'm hoping that she'll have a good time, but at the same time get to where she misses having me there to share that good time with...and so she'll look forward to coming home. I plan on having the house [censored] and span on the day she gets back, and just have things setup so she's got a nice homecoming to look forward to.

Can't say what I feel makes sense, but at least I'm not going to let it rule what I do.

No problem Bass ... take care of yourself.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I can understand your nervousness given the fact of the EA and also the fact that she was to fly off with OM. It's bad timing for this AND the gaming/email issue happening at the same time, I think. Maybe this is one of those things that you accept that will bother you, and not try to figure out the reasonableness about it. Just like you told me, we won't be able to understand everything in a logical way. I am sure that fewer things will trigger you and the triggers will be further apart.

It sounds like your W needs a break, and I'm sure just getting away will do wonders for her. I'm very envious. It should be good for both of you and strengthen your already good recovery!!

Bass-

Please share if you want............we will listen.

Thanks, Cards, but I kind of feel there's not much more to say. I'm very sad to say goodbye to someone I've spent 22 years with, but the writing was on the wall and it's time to let go. In some ways, it feels kind of liberating to not have to deal with withdrawal issues anymore, and to not have to be a detective anymore. Plus my heart feels better in that I feel the worst of the hurt has already happened, and my life can only go up from here.

I am very concerned for Win, but she is an adult and she will have to find her own way. She has lots of friends and family to support her and I'm sure she will come out of this OK.

It's overwhelming to think about all the other things that need to be done now, but at least there's going to be kind of a brief respite as we resettle our living conditions. All the issues about the kids and the house and the finances are looming but neither one of us can really think about them right now. The only pressing issue is that we will have to explain to the kids why Mommy is living at Grandma's now, and I'm dreading that. I've done some research on how to tell them and I know how to do it, I just hate letting them down and breaking their hearts like this. Especially my daughter, she has been kind of fragile lately already, and this won't help. And she's closer to me, so it's going to fall mostly on me to help her through this.

Ugh... :-(