Well there isn't much to cave to really, he doesn't respond to my emails, but I'm not going to SEND anymore. I have some pride, finally. And I'm not going to his website either. It's the thinking of him i guess. I know this gets better through time. And the missing him terribly that is really, really hard. But it doesn't matter, there's no going back. So I have to go forward. I tell you, if I had known that falling into this EA would mean an end to the friendship, I wouldn't have let it happen. I valued that the most.

-hanging in there
-win

Hi Win - Good to see you over here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The initial weeks of NC were so very hard for me and there's no getting around that. You are doing all the right things and having some girlfriends and co-workers to talk to when you have these feelings should really help you.

Keep focused on one day at a time and then it will not seem so overwhelming. The "thinking about him all the time", "missing him terribly", "feeling angry" and other feelings are very normal at the beginning of NC. This will fade and it does take TIME. As the weeks roll by, your mind will start to clear and those feelings will start to fade and you will find yourself feeling better.

We are here for you Win and keep up the NC!

Win-

Hang in there. The trick is to STICK TO IT. Even when you want to give in, just don't!

Cards/2BN-

I think that it's awesome that you talk with your H's about what you're dealing with. My wife never discussed thoughts of OM much once she got through the worst of the withdrawl. She admitted to having them, and basically had said that they weren't the same kind of thoughts/feelings she had during the EA, but that was about it.

I'm sorry that you're both struggling with this still. I've got to say that I am a little surprised that it's still an issue for you...and I hope that you both can work with your H's to deal with things as needed.

My wife called me last nite for a bit, and it was a great conversation. I think that I balanced it just right, letting her know that she's loved and missed, but didn't come across and 'needy' or 'worried' about anything. It'll will be nice when she's home, and she's talking about planning a similar trip for the BOTH of us next year. We'll just find a way to farm out the kids for a week! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Owl - Sounds like you did well with your W on the phone. Hope you are doing well with her being gone and that all of your worries are gone. Seems like they are. I'm sure you will be glad when she is home though!

As far as telling my H of my struggles, I didn't tell my H too much. Just a short conversation while on vacation saying that I was having weird thoughts and he wanted to know what they were. That's when I told him I had thoughts of emailing the OM, but I did not share with him the other thoughts I had of the OM. Those were too hard to share and not something I would have shared with him on vacation especially! I'm sure it was hard for your W to reveal exactly what her thoughts were as well.

I have to work on not letting my thoughts dwell there if any thoughts do pop in my head, and I am doing better with that now.

It's been a little over 7 weeks since the last email from the OM and the incident of my H calling him. So, I guess the time frame for me has not been that long and maybe it's not that unusual for these thoughts to pop in my head every now and then.

Hope everyone is having a great day this Thursday morning!

Win -

YOU CAN DO IT!!!! We all know what you're feeling and how hard it is. Like Susan said, one thought at a time - fight if off, fight off the urges. Like giving up smoking or anything, take a deep breath and allow a couple minutes to go by and the urge subsides. You'll have to do that many times a day, I know. But each day will be less and further time between.

YES, you are doing this for YOU! YOU have to move on and you won't be able to with this hanging on to you. Keep posting! We're behind you!

2BN-

Can't say I'm 'over' my worries, but I'm not going to let them control me, or ruin my wife's vacation either. Nor do I want it to ruin her homecoming either.

And seven weeks isn't that long in the scope of things. Looking back, I'm SURE that my wife was probably still dealing with similar thoughts and issues, even though she was committed to rebuilding our marriage then. Just keep doing what you're doing, and remember that it WILL get easier with time.

Owl-



Actually, from what I read, withdrawal can last weeks or months. SAA states that w/d after the A can last the amount of time of the duration of the A or longer, depending on other factors. I think it has to be put in perspective. Using that theory, my EA was 3 months and it's been over about 4. I don't feel in withdrawal, but I DO sometimes have powerful thoughts about the EA. Notice I say about the EA. I tend to focus on the EA experience and not particularly on the person OM. Yes, I think of him, put always recognizing that the reasons for the thoughts are some EN not being met. These strong thoughts come and go, but certainly aren't dictating my life at this point. I don't think it's unusual that some stress or life event or difficulty puts our minds back to a place where we received love and comfort for a time. Just my take on how this is for me.

2BN, does this make sense to you?

Actually Cards, what you say makes perfect sense. And after I sat and thought about timeframes again, I re-posted to 2BN (and should have done the same to you) about how it's understandable given the short timeframe since NC was established. Sorry for the confusion on my part.

Owl - Good to hear that you are not letting your "worries" control you or her homecoming.

Cards - Yes, it does make sense. Your EN was shorter than mine and I feel mine was a bit more complicated given that I had talked to the OM for a good length of time and then didn't stick with NC. I'm sure that those factors will affect my total recovery.

I'm not sure that I just totally focused on the EN though when I have these thoughts. I AM or WAS thinking of the OM and I did think of him as the person. And yes, stress and other life changing events can make us go back to whatever comfort we received from the EA. Maybe for me on my vacation, I was thinking of the OM because of "being away" from home and my mind went to thoughts of "being away" with the OM. I did have some strong thoughts of what it would have been like to meet him while on vacation.

Like you Cards, these thoughts are not dictating my life right now. They did get overwhelming on vacation though and were more than the usual thoughts that I get.

Owl-

No apology necessary, I question these things to myself all the time! When the question arises it just makes me think and answer it. That's good!

2BN-



Yes, much shorter, which is why I DO get frustrated. I sometimes think that I should be comparatively MUCH further along than I am. I would think your struggles would be much more difficult than mine, and maybe they are/were. I guess it is just hard no matter what!


When I say I think of my EA and not the OM, understand that is a conscious effort to do so. The thought begins as thinking of him, then when I realize I am doing so I make myself question why I'm having the thoughts, etc.

I am glad that even in a few days you are feeling more back to "normal" (whatever that is!!).

Cards - We both want this to end and it's hard when we get frustrated with our thoughts. Even though yours was shorter, 4 months of time (since NC) is really not that long for thoughts like we are having to totally go away. You and I have made TREMENDOUS PROGRESS!! We should be proud of that and not focus on why these thoughts pop into our heads.

You are doing great with making the effort to change the thoughts of the OM to just the EA. I'm not sure if you remember me saying this awhile back, but the OM told me last year (before he was the OM..) that he had thought about sending the previous OW a birthday card. Now that A had been over for approx. 5 years! Is that unusual??? I don't know, but it does tell me that we may still have strange thoughts of the OM even in years to come. Also, at the time he was telling me this, he was having major struggles in his M. So I can see that stress is a MAJOR factor with going back to thoughts of the OP.

Hi guys,

Do you guys think talking about the OM's keeps it more fresh in your minds? I don't know I go back and forth between wanting to talk to someone about it and just trying to block it all out. It's just so painful. And its not just dealing w/OM, but also our M's which have their own difficulties. I know my OM was an escape from that, the chatting in general.

As for me, I'm just trying to get thru another day of NC. But today I feel so sad. It's like I want to forget him, but I don't want to either. And in my life, there's triggers all over the place. I don't know if thats because it lasted a year or what it is. It's really hard.

-win

2BN-

Yes, we have made much progress, we need to recognize that. As far as, thoughts in the future, I don't think we will ever forget a person/event that had a big impact in our life. I mentioned a while ago about loves that I had before my H. Now, I don't ever think about them at all, but if something takes me back to those times I remember it fondly. It will always be in our memories.

Win, we talked about this a few weeks ago when we were posting about our d-days. I rehashed the whole thing out here and it made me think of all the details and it seemed to pull me back for a while. So, yes, sometimes I think it can be counter-productive to keep talking about it. Focusing on the present day and what we are currently working on is what is probably best. That's not to say that we should squelch our feelings and not vent if we need to, only that I think individually you will have to decide when and how much to say.

As I said above, you won't forget about OM, don't be afraid of losing the memories because you won't. But the NC will give you clarity and ALLOW you to move ahead.

Cards - Very true about past loves...even if we never think of them, they are still there in our memories and something can jog that memory. They just aren't fond thoughts to me anymore.

Win - I think what I am talking about presently about the OM does not affect me and does not draw me back to him. But, I am at a different stage than you. Back at your stage it can be so conflicting because as you said you do go back and forth with wanting to forget and then go back to thinking about the OM. It's a constant battle of the mind!

Sometimes, I needed to talk about it and get it all out and that did help me. I needed to sort through my feelings and talk about it. We all handle it differently and you will have to decide what's best for you. But, it would be best to try to keep your thoughts focused on moving forward. Hard to do, but you have to strive for that even if you regress at times.

As Cards said, NC will allow you to move forward. If I go back and read through my first post, I remember being so mixed up in my feelings just like you are now. You will progress just like Cards amd me IF you keep the NC! That's is the key!

Yeah, I think it does definitely help to talk about it. None of my friends really understand how I could have gotten so caught up in it or fall in love w/someone I never met. Of course it wasn't real love, but there's no other strong word I can think of. At least here, people know what can happen and how intense and strong it can be. So at least I don't feel crazy!!

Its hard when someone had been filling needs I didn't even know I had, to just let it go. And honestly I wouldn't be letting it go, as you probly could tell, except that he has let it go and moved on. They were EN's that havent ever been met or maybe not for 10-15years. Plus for me, H was my first bf so this is only the 2nd sorta serious relationship I've ever had. And I've never broken up with anyone so its all new to me, at my age! OF course I know it wasn't a real relationship, BUT as you guys know the EMOTIONS were real to me. HE was real to me, what I knew of him. ANd I liked what I knew, immensely.

I just have to keep thinking that regardless of M, the R with OM could never continue. we're just in 2 different places, including georgraphically. So there's no point in continuing a painful friendship. I miss it and him terribly, but it has to be done, and it will get better.

-win

Win - I think that's what helped me too...just knowing there were other people here that experienced this and understood my feelings and how to work through them.

I'm sort of like you in a way in that I've never had anyone "break-up" with me. I've had previous relationships before I met my H, but I was always the one to break up and move on, so I never experienced any pain from that. The OM choosing to stay with his W when his W found my e-mails was like a "break-up" to me that I've never experienced before.

The emotions and the person are very real in the EA....what is the "fantasy" is the that it would never be that way in "real life" with the OM. There is no real day to day life with them. We only gained the "good feelings" the OM gave us. Online EA's are very intense in emotions and yes it is hard to let go of something that made you feel good.

It's good that you recognize the need to move on. You CAN do this Win!

Yes, yes, to both of you. I thought I was losing my mind when I first posted here, which was a couple weeks into withdrawal. I was so miserable and I was scared because I had NO clue what was going on with me. To be able to relate to people in the same situation and know what you were dealing with was so important to me.

2B, I like how you described the "realness" of the feelings and the people in the EA and what the fantasy is. All true, and it helps to look at it that way.

Win, I too, have EN's not being met for a long time. I am glad at this stage that I am able to "see" that, AND, more importantly, find tools to fill those needs by the right people and things. Believe it or not, you WILL see this, too. You will be motivated to do this because you will NOT want to go back to the M R you had. This will help you look forward, not backward.

Keep reading your last statement over and over to yourself when you are weak. "There is no point in continuing a painful relationship that will never go anywhere". I am glad you recognize this. This is what we've all had to tell ourselves during withdrawal.

I can tell you that even after what I've personally been through in my situation, and talking with you ladies here, it's STILL hard for me to comprehend how completely an online EA can suck someone in. I have no doubt about the power of what you felt, it's just hard for an outsider to understand how you can get to that point I guess.

I'm NOT knocking any of you...simply saying that you're not likely to find many people who CAN relate to what you've been through unless they've found themselves in similar situations. That's one of the reasons I think that finding a good counselor who can at least TRY to see what you're dealing with is critical.

But...people DO make it through this all the time. THERE IS HOPE!!!

I would've never believed it had I not experienced it.....