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Hi Rose - Thank you for your thoughts! I am experiencing that the triggers do have less of an impact now compared to when I was in deep withdrawal. But, this last one seemed to hit me more than the usual for some reason. And maybe I did let myself dwell on it too much.
I will take your advice. I do realize that sometimes we cannot avoid triggers, but as you said, I can control my reaction to them!
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2B =
You're doing great. You'll get through this, and you'll be fine one day. Just keep on keepin' on!
Rose
FWS-me
BS-H
Dday-8/2002
Recovering, still!
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Rose -
Thanks for the encouragement! I'm really doing well this week in spite of that setback over the weekend. I am looking forward to the day and time where this will all be behind me as a faded memory! Time will take care of that!
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Suzet - After you got through this point in your recovery, how then did you deal with thoughts and triggers? 2BN, the times I’ve found it difficult to deal with these thoughts and triggers by myself or the times I felt the need to talk to someone about it and get it out, I did the following: 1) I confided in trusting & Christian people who cared about my well-being and who were there to help & support me. These people included my mother, my counselor (a wonderful woman at my work who’ve also became a very good friend & confidant of mine – my mentor) and then a few of my other close & trusting girl friends. These people were all of incredible help & support to me during my withdrawal & recovery. It helps to confide in trusting people who are not emotionally involved. 2) I would also use these forums to help "get things of my chest" and to talk about things my husband didn't want to hear and I also didn’t always feel comfortable in sharing with my other confidants. There is great wisdom in the following response you received from Rose55: My experience has been that triggers can continue for a long time, but the good news is that the impact of them lessens considerably over time.
When thoughts come, don’t fight them, but rather relax and allow them to go through your mind, and then let them go. It’s sort of like, the trigger is a bird that you can't stop from flying by, but you don't have to let it build a nest in your hair. 2BN, this is very true… I was an obsessive thinker (currently using medicine for OCD) and those obsessive thoughts was really a problem throughout my recovery. What I’ve learned that it’s sometimes better to stop fighting against thoughts and feelings but in addition to just accept it, let it go through you and let it go again... In the beginning of my withdrawal & recovery, the thoughts and feelings would come and go continuously and repetitively, but I’ve experienced that if I keep fighting against them, it would only get a stronger hold on me and then I remained in the downward spiral. 2BN, you have to start to accept and experience the thoughts & triggers when they come up. But don’t pay attention to it… Just “let it be” and don’t try to analyze it or dwell on those thoughts & triggers because then you will give meaning to it and make it worse than it should be… If you do this you will experience that with time and patience, this cycle (of thoughts & triggers coming and going) will get less and less. Also read the following post I’ve sent and the response I received from ARK^^ while I was struggling with those thoughts. You will find it helpful and insightful too and there is some suggestions you can use: YOU SAID
The one major thing I’m still feel guilty about is my lingering thoughts and feelings for OM and the difficulty to put these feelings complete to rest. This is really a big struggle and religious problem to me. Although I’ve already forgave myself for the previous mistakes made and although I know that my H and God had also forgiven me, I’m still having a issue with the scripture in the Bible where Jesus talks about “adultery in the heart”. Therefore, in spite of the fact that I’m still continue NC and do all the right things to protect my H etc., I’m just wondering if I’m still commit sin/”adultery in the heart” because of my lingering thought and feelings about OM. Maybe I’m just too hard on myself sometimes.
Sometimes for very obvious reasons and sometimes just because it is the nature of the whole big mess. Thoughts, feelings, and occurances take on huge meaning, grave seriousness, and potentially worrisome issues...when in reality they are just normal occurances..but when processed through the infidelity filter...watch out...magnified to the 100th power.
Suzet the truth is that if your OM had not been an other man but someone you as a single person were dating and for whatever reason you two broke up and you were now dating your husband...you would still have thoughts and memories and think of him...that is totally normal..it carries no great meaning or profound revelations.
The act of our brains having a memory and thoughts coming in our head in not stoppable,
What we do and can control is our reaction to these thoughts...give these thoughts weight and meaning and they will continue...spend time really pondering them, reminicsing and they will become stronger and gain "meaning".
It is you that must break the cycle in your brain by doing different things..
1. as soon as a thought, image, pops in about him you push it away and change your thought,,,and we all KNOW we can do this...no one spends a lot of time with the thought of their upcoming dental appointment to get a cavity filled...or when your on vacation you don't spend a lot of time about packing and leaving day...no we have those thoughts and quickly move on to something more pleasant...you must learn to the same....
2. Time fades and heals the importance we place on events is also true...the farther we move from experiences the more distance we place on them instead of deeply pondering and examing them the more we learn to let go of those thoughts.
3. YOu need to quit associating a lot of guilt and negative emotions to these thoughts or you will be feeding the power they need to continue...
Look at to why you are clinging to the guilt of thoughts rather than saying...dang I can't control my brain from thinking the thought initially but I can control the amount of time and energy I spend exploring the thought AND how much importance i give it...
You may actually be gaining something from the guilt you feel...that it somehow PROVES your regret....but we "prove" our regret by totally recommiting to our spouses and acting thusly.
In pop-psyche these days people love to throw around repressing those feelings and ingnoring them and that leading to unhappiness...but in reality those thoughts are normal as is moving away from them...people don't graduate from high school and the morning after graduation never ever think of highschool anymore...it was big part of their lives for a while with emotional attachment...but as people move forward those memories carry less and less weight and bring less and less emotion as time moves on...and not spending minute after minute pondering highschool is not repressing thoughts and emotions..it is moving on...
suzet you need to "just let it be" (as john paul ringo and george would say)
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Suzet - Thank you for taking the time to reply with such words of wisdom! you have to start to accept and experience the thoughts & triggers when they come up. But don’t pay attention to it… Just “let it be” and don’t try to analyze it or dwell on those thoughts & tirggers because then you will give meaning to it and make it worse than it should be… If you do this you will experience that with time and patience, this cycle (of thoughts & triggers coming and going) will get less and less. This is where I made my mistake with the last trigger. I tried to analyze it and think on it too much. Then, of course it made everything worse. I can understand and relate to how these triggers will have a less effect on me as time goes on. If I have a trigger about the 1st OM, it does not affect me. I just let it pass. I realize that through time, this will happen with the triggers of the OM that are currently happening. My husband does not permit me to share any of the A's with anyone, so I must respect him in that. And maybe, that is why I felt I had to "get it out" at times. It sometimes became hard to hold in...especially during the early withdrawal. I do believe at this point in my recovery, I can practice what you advise, Suzet. These triggers are very few anymore, and I believe I can control my reaction and response to them. Thank you so much for your help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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2BN, I’m glad my post could be of help to you! My husband does not permit me to share any of the A's with anyone, so I must respect him in that. And maybe, that is why I felt I had to "get it out" at times. It sometimes became hard to hold in...especially during the early withdrawal. I understand… Will your H allow you to visit a counselor to help you “get it out” and to help you through this stage? The help, support & assistance of a professional outside person can be very helpful. These boards are of great help too, but it’s also important to have at least one person you can confide in face-to-face if you feel the need. Since you can’t confide in your H, it’s unfair of him to expect you to “keep it all in” and not share with anyone... The problem is, this can lead to resentment towards your H and in your M if he allow you to “bottle it all up”. Suzet
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The problem is, this can lead to resentment towards your H and in your M if he allow you to “bottle it all up”. This is true and this is what I'm afraid of. I spoke to my husband last night regarding the issue of the trigger over the past weekend. I told him that I was sorry that I handled it incorrectly and asked him how he would like me to handle it in the future. He said he would prefer that I hold it in and not tell him. He doesn't want to hear any of it. When I told him that it helps to get it out and tell him, he then asked me if he really helped me? Well, of course he didn't because we didn't have a plan. I left it at that. As far as a counselor, I'm sure my H would have no problem with me going to one. I have mentioned this to him in the past, but I just don't know who to go to. I did not like the MC that we both went to, and I would like to find another one. I find it hard to look in a phone book and pick a random person and I'm sure my H would not permit me to ask around for fear that others may suspect that we are having problems. Any ideas on how to go about this?
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I find it hard to look in a phone book and pick a random person and I'm sure my H would not permit me to ask around for fear that others may suspect that we are having problems. Any ideas on how to go about this? Since it wasn’t necessary for me to phone around or seek a counselor, I don’t really have advice for you on this one. Just make sure the person you choose is a Christian and preferably a lady (to confide in a same sex person is always safer even if the person is professional). The lady I confided in is the Staff Counselor at my work, so the sessions didn’t cost me anything and I know beforehand she was a Christian and the perfect person to talk to. I consider myself very lucky in the sense I didn’t need to look around for another counselor at the time. I’ve got along with her very well and I trusted her enough to totally open up towards her.
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2BN, another thing in addition to my previous post…
Maybe you can ask your pastor (or whoever is head of your church) to give you names and reference numbers of counselors he/she can strongly recommend? You don’t necessarily need to tell it’s for yourself… You can say it’s for a dear friend or family member who have problems and need help.
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Suzet - Thank you for your ideas. My H never wanted to ask our pastor or anyone at church to begin with, so I'm not sure how he would feel about it at this point. My H works for our church, and this is why he wants to be cautious. People talk when they shouldn't....I may just have to go through the phone book.
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Pehaps you could approach your pastor and request that he/she recommend a good IC for you? Don't give details, and simply tell your pastor that you'd like to have a completely disinterested third party counselor, as opposed to someone at the church...if he asks.
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Owl - that may be the way to do it. I know my H has told me that our Pastor does not care for counselors...don't know why though? I will talk to my H about this some more and see what he suggests.
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I can't imagine why a pastor would have an issue with a counselor...especially one who is Christian/biblically based.
Seems kind of odd to me.
If nothing else, do a search with something like Google Local to see if you can find something, and talk with their receptionist about their approach and methodology.
I found our MC (who was originally my IC) through a list of providers by my company's EAP...and by calling around like I'd described earlier.
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Yes - it is odd, I know.... I also have to deal with the fact that my H deals with counselors at his job and I cannot go to any of them (my H doesn't want me to since he knows them personally)...so I am very limited. That has been the problem all along. We found this female Christian counselor that we both went to, but then I didn't care for her. She helped somewhat, but for additional counseling I would prefer not to go back to her.
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Well...
Things have been alright on the Owl front for a while. We're dealing with things, but nothing specific to the EA, so haven't had much to post.
Really odd though...last nite, out of the blue, I had a dream in which my wife told me that 'OM was the first one to say I love you'.
The really odd thing is, I've never asked her who 'started' what in the EA. I didn't ask for details about it back then, and can't imagine any reason why I would ask now...it doesn't matter who did what.
Just very odd that I had a dream like that. Kind of caught me off gaurd. But...I shook it off, snuggled the wife, and went back to sleep.
Just figured I'd vent here about it...why in the heck would I have that dream NOW?!?!
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Owl - Dreams can be strange can't they? Have you been thinking about that lately with regards to who started things? Good that you can just shake it off!
I've had strange dreams and one last night involving another man again in which I do not know. Very strange. Nothing happened in the dream, but I was obviously staying with some other man in my dream and we were in a HUGE house.....makes no sense to me? And I don't know why I dream these things?
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LOL...dunno. I know my wife had a few odd dreams a while ago too. I think I posted here about them.
But my attitude lately has been to do my best to recognize that the affair is LONG dead. There has been NC for a year now, she's happy with things the way they are. Sometimes SHE takes things that I say or do as a worry related back to the EA, even when it's not. We still do counseling (have it today as a matter of fact), but that's more just maintenance assistance at this point than anything else.
As far as your dream, I don't know that I'd worry about it too much, as long as it wasn't involving OM or anything.
Hope everyone has a wonderful and safe 4th!
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Sometimes SHE takes things that I say or do as a worry related back to the EA, even when it's not. You know...I do that at times with my H. He'll make a comment and I'm thinking he is referring to the OM and at times he's not. Things are going really well for us and I can say this week I've started to see things in "different light" with regards to the OM and thinking back. Even after the setback last weekend, I feel now that I don't want to look back anymore. I don't want to be reminded of the EA or the OM. My H and I will still have some conversations regarding the OM ....but the conversations seem ok and are not causing us to have a setback. We leave in a little over a week for our next vacation, and I really feel that I will be shaken of having those overwhelming thoughts of the OM while away. Have a safe 4th as well!
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Well, we're trying something different in our R. Wife wants a little more space now.
She feels that we're spending too much time together...she's wanting more time without me, doing our own things. She brought it up at MC this last Friday. We've got a good MC...he works to make sure we both understand each other.
So...I'm backing off. I let her spend a lot of time gaming with the kids this weekend, and plan on letting her keep that up as she likes. Not going to IM her during the week as we've been doing...apparently the only reason she was doing that was because she felt guilty.
Got to say that I'm not feeling overly comfortable with the new system yet, but at this point I'll just do it and see how it goes.
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Owl - Did your W not have much time alone? Sometimes we do need space from our spouses. I know I do at times, but then again my H is not that needy to be around me all the time and he will give me space when I need it. As long as you have a balance and ARE spending quality time together in ways that you both enjoy, I don't think I would be too alarmed by her asking this of you.
We had a great weekend and nice 4th. Had another couple over yesterday and this is something I'm working on. My H likes to have people over and I promised I would work on that for him.
Cards - We haven't heard from you in awhile. Hope you and your H are doing well!
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