2BN-

No, I don't believe she ever had an emotional episode of any kind in that timeframe, but there are several reasons why she may have either not had one, or I wasn't aware of it.

I don't think that she's had anything like that...once she finally and completely let go of contact, it seemed to be the end of her emotional attachment and involvement with OM. At one point about 7 months after d-day she'd mentioned that she HAD been thinking of him, but from a 'hoping he was ok' perspective only. Other than that, she's not given me any indication that she's felt much of anything from what happened.

I DO know that she felt guilty for a long time afterwards, and that if she DID have any kind of feelings she may have chosen not to talk about it to avoid hurting me further.

Not sure if that helps.

Owl - Your W seemed like she was very strong emotionally or was very good at keeping her emotions inside. But regardless, it seemed to work for your M and her recovery.

I guess we all deal with these emotions differently. Thanks for your thoughts.

Hello everyone,

Long time, no post.

I have come to the official conclusion that my EA resulted in the context of "mid-life crisis". This is probably not a rocket-science revelation, but it has helped me put my situation in context. These last weeks have been a rollercoaster for me in several ways - what's going on in my homelife and also what's going on inside of me. Nothing horrible, just busy and reflective. I have been reading a book (which I don't have the title off the top of my head) and it has helped explain a lot to me.

As you know, I have struggled relentlessly trying to figure out why I was susceptible to the EA I fell into. I had to know WHY did this happen? I struggled with withdrawal, triggers, keeping NC. I now realize that the EA was not what I believed it to be. This hurts, but yet it helps. I had focused on trying to determine my EN's and what happened in my M. For some of that time I think I subconsciously "blamed" my H and M. I now realize that what happened was the result of a culmination of factors in my life and how I had allowed myself to "get lost" in being wife, mom, employee, etc, etc. This was MY shortcoming, no one elses.

I also realize that I am not, and will not be, who I was before the EA. I wanted to believe that I would return to that person who was on top of everything and being the perfect wife, mom, etc. That was much of my dilemma in these recent months - I felt as though I know longer cared as much about those things and I was tormented by that. It is OK that I am different now and ultimately it will be good in the long run. That person was DOING all the right things on the outside, but not taking care of herself. The EA was an event that occurred because of emotions & other needs being squelched. While I intellectually knew this before, time has helped me embrace it and clearly see it.

I certainly do not have all the answers on where to go now, but I feel now, more than ever, that I am on some kind of journey to redefine my self (I know this is getting sappy!). I know it will take time and there is a lot of work to do for me, for my H, and for my M.

Thanks for listening, I apologize for not being here to listen to you all as of late....

Hi Cards!

It's good to hear from you! It certainly sounds like you have been doing alot of searching/reflecting on how the EA happened. I know this was so important to you and am glad to hear that you have made progress in this.

I too have thought about the "mid-life crisis" context and it's role in my EA. I remember thinking when I first started to write on this forum, how most of the women in our situation were near our age and thought about the correlation in how we found ourselves on a similar path in this stage of life.


I have realized this as well..that I will NEVER be the same person before the EA. My goal is to be a better wife, mother, friend...etc. My H is seeing a "better me" emerge from this and has commented to that effect. I don't want to be the person "who was" before the EA, because that person was susceptible to the EA and was selfish about what she wanted.


Cards - just curious what you meant by this and why it hurts?

I am still in this learning process as well as you. If you get a chance to remember the title of the book you are reading, please pass the title along ok?

Again - good to hear from you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

2BN,



I don't know that a better me is emerging yet, as I think I have to find that person first. I do think I will be a better person as I make the necessary changes in my life to adjust to what I now have found out about myself. I believe I went for so long going through the motions of life and just doing, doing, doing.... and not stopping to feel my feelings.

One thing that I found odd this entire time is that during and since my EA I stopped watching news, talk radio, watching tv, etc. Before my EA I was constantly in touch with local, national, world news from the time I got up in the morning until I went to bed. Since the beginning of my EA I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in this. I have not watched or listen to news or radio for months. For some reason I was flooding my brain with all that info and not getting in touch with my self. Interesting, I think...

The book I am reading is called The Breaking Point by Sue Shellenbarger. She talks about the how and why and who mid life crisis happens to. There are some very good insights and she identifies different archetypes of what women find missing in their lives.

For me I think this was happening and I wasn't realizing it until I got involved in the EA. Now, looking back, I can see that the EA was an effect of my situation.



I now believe my PERCEPTION of the EA was different than what it truly was. In other words, in my mind it was what I needed it to be at the time. I have decided to view it as such, irregardless of how OM perceived it. What hurts is that I gave a piece of my soul to someone based on a fantasy. What helps is that I realize it was more about ME than about ME and OM as a unit.

I know this sounds like it is all about ME, but to some degree I had to get back to the fact that it did begin about ME. I realize the impact and hurt the EA has caused my H, and our M needs work. I have to repair and rebuild trust with H. But I had to get to a starting point in order to even move forward. That starting point had to be understanding ME before I could move on to M & H.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone else, but that's what is going on with me......

It makes complete sense to me...affairs ARE all about 'me'.

It sounds to me like you've come to some reasonable conclusions, and I like the idea that 2BN has about a 'new and improved' person going forward!

I don't believe that my wife has put nearly as much thought into the whole thing as the two of you have...I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. Guess we'll have to wait and see.

Glad to hear that everyone is doing well.

Well, I haven't totally found that person in me either, but I do see changes and my H notices as well. Remember for me, this has been going on for about 2 years now and I really don't remember much before the EA. All I have to draw upon is how I acted during both EA's and that was very ME oriented. Pretty much just checked out of reality and life.


True for me as well. I lost touch with all that was happening in the world. I didn't pay attention to the news as highly as you did, but more so than during the EA's and after.


I think this is always the case since it was a fantasy, but when we were in it we really felt that there was more to it. And yes it really was all about ME because I gave no regard to my H and my children when I was involved in the EA's.

I have really thought about my EA with the most recent OM and was reflecting on how it all started. I was very vulnerable having just ended the EA with the first OM. I still viewed my H as not giving ME what I needed. The OM, was struggling in his M at the time and got what he needed from ME that he wasn't getting from his W. All of a sudden...we looked good to each other and met each other's needs. It wasn't that HE was so special, but that HE and I were communicating during very vulnerable times for both of us. We knew from the very beginning it was wrong. It hurts to think back on my role in keeping the EA going and it does hurt to think back that I gave so much of myself to this man.

I can't even think back to the first OM other than I let my guard down with him contacting me after so many years. The communications kept going and I fell into the trap.

I think you are making good progress Cards, and you will start to see the changes you want in your M. M does take work and I think we all realized this the hard way!

Thanks for the book title too. Sounds interesting and informative. I will have to check it out!

Hi guys,
Just wondering how everyone has been doing. I'm not doing that great, just trying to get by. Life is just a mess. Trying to hang in there.

Hope you are all doing well.

Win

Hi Win - Sorry to hear that you aren't doing so well. I've read a little on your other thread and I can see that things have been tough. If there is something you need to talk about let us know....

I haven't been on here very much. I still lurk now and then, to see if anyone posts on this thread, but I haven't had much to post myself.

- 2BN

Thanks 2b

Just trying to deal with everything I guess. Still trying to get over OM which seems to be harder now that I'm seperated and dealing with H at the same time. Lots of anger and depression. Trying to be strong for my kids, but it would be nice to have someone take care of me, for once.

^^^^bumping for a friend^^^^

thanks

~Jamie~

Just wanted to shout out to Cards, 2BN, Sys, and Win...was hoping that ya'll are doing well!

Things are going well here...looking forward now to the time when all of the owlets are out of the nest, and it's just me and Mrs. Owl.

Hey All,

Happy to report things are going well (that's an understatement -we're better than we ever were!).

Owl -fair season is in full tilt -busy busy busy done 3 different fairs in 3 weeks -we're kind of nuts that way.

Thanks again to everyone for all the support you gave me -it made the difference and saw me through my season in ******. I wish the best for all of you.

Sys-

Glad to hear that things are still going great for you!!!

Fair season starts in two weeks for us. It runs for six weeks, so don't know when we'll be going yet. Enjoy your time friend!

Hi All! Doing well here as well.

H and I are still working through a few issues. Don't know if you all remember me talking about the affair (with a married man) I had before my H and I were married. This has been brought up recently in our conversations and I admitted to my H that there was also another incident at the same time with someone he had always questioned me about. This incident did not go further than a kiss with another married man...at the very same time I was having this affair before my H and I were married.

My H had to process all of this because this is something that I've always denied for over 20 years! I'm glad I told him though.

But, now it makes me even think what is wrong with me that I sought after 4 married men in my life?? Two prior to marriage and 2 after marriage.

My H feels it's as simple as this....that I didn't care about anyone else's feelings but mine and didn't care about hurting people. I would say that that is true, but I believe there is more to it than that. I've just been having a hard time lately processing why? Why I did so much wrong in my life?

Well, my personal suggestion would be to remember that you're not the same person you were 20 years ago. Hopefully, you're not the same person you were 2 years ago.

You can't keep beating yourself up over mistakes made that far in the past...as long as you've made the changes in your life and in your behavior to help you to realize that you WON'T do that again. After that, you have to 'give it to God'. And let Him deal with it.

It's interesting that you mention that this happened. Over the last year, I've wondered about something similar that happened early in our marriage as well. I had gone ahead to get us housing overseas, and it took MUCH longer than we'd thought...my wife was still in the states with our four little ones for several months.

I came home on leave to help her come to our new duty station, and she told me that she'd had a 'close call'...she'd spent some time at a guys house (with all of our kids there too), and had fallen asleep while watching TV. She swore up and down that nothing happened...but I ran into this guy later and he did NOT want to be around me.

I've wondered for a long time if something had happened, but have trusted my wife. Now, after her EA, I do wonder if she lied to me back then about what happened. I'm not sure it's worth asking about now, but your issue sounds so similar that it does make me wonder. My 'gut' back then told me to worry...now I wonder if I should have listened harder to it.

At any rate, keep up the re-building of your marriage friend. And at this point, hopefully BOTH of you can move on and focus more on now and the future, instead of the past.

Thanks Owl. I know I am definately NOT the person I was 20 years ago!! And I know I have changed and grown so much over these past months since the EA ended. It's just hard to think about how things "could have been" had I not done the things I've done to my H. I am really blessed that my H is still by my side!

As far as your wife and her situation from the past. Yes, I can understand why you would question it. I kept denying the situation that happened with me because it didn't go further than a kiss. But, when he directly asked me the other day, I could not lie to him anymore. I knew the truth had to come out. It wasn't devastating to him, but he still needed to process it and try to remember events from over 20 years ago.

We are moving forward though and our marriage is healing.

Glad to hear you are doing well!

2B...I think that is a simplistic statement about what occurs emotionally within a person. You know it's not true that you didn't care about other people, it's just that at that particular time the inner turmoil and needs for yourself won out. That's where I am searching, too. What was so strong a need to abandon reason and logic?

I am still reading books trying to answer these questions for myself. I still feel the loss of my EA and am trying to find the areas of my life where I can find fulfillment. Maybe it will be something new.

I have to be honest. Neither myself or my H are working on our M at this point. This is NOT because we don't want it to work, it is because we are not able right now. My H is very "fragile" right now. He is struggling very much with panic attacks relating to job stress. It is all he can do right now to deal with his anxiety.

This has been the story of our M, on and off, and that is surely why I was susceptible to an EA. For all our years of M he has dealt with depression & anxiety. I have felt like I am the one always shouldering everything while he tries to deal with himself and his problems. I sometimes feel like it is hopeless that we will ever have a M where we are mutually meeting each others needs. Most of the time he honestly cannot expend energy to pay attention to what I need, let alone act on it.

I do not know what to do at this point, because this pattern just keeps repeating itself despite his efforts at medications & doctors. I truly do not know what to do next. I don't think MC would even help while he is so burdened. Is this just my cross to bear? I have been doing that, but stuffing my needs resulted in the EA. If I continue doing that, what will happen next?

The good thing about my EA is that I realized that our M cannot go on as it was. But now I am desperate for a resolution, and am frustrated that we are once again at the mercy of his anxiety. It is heart-wrenching because he is a good man with a heart of gold. I so want him to be able to deal with life, and I so want a fulfilling M, but I do not know how to get there. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Owl, you have mentioned you have dealt with some of these things. Did your W ever feel as though she was shouldering everything and keeping it together? I think sometimes I just yearn for the feeling of someone taking care of ME for a change.

Sorry to go on and on...............I sometimes get frustrated and lose hope....

Glad to see you are all still here.

Yes, to me my H's statement is too simplistic and it frustrates me that this is how he feels. He has never been on our side, so to him it does look this simplistic. I know it was wrong. I knew it hurt him, but...what brings us to the point of abandoning what we know is right? I'm not sure I will ever figure that out!

I'm sorry to hear what's going on in your M right now. I don't have any wisdom on that type of situation.


Cards, do you think individual counseling would help you work through this? Stuffing your needs doesn't sound so healthy, yet I see how hard it must be for your H to fulfill your needs right now.

cards-

Sounds like your H has a similar deal to mine. I got really wrapped up in work and part of that was a constant anxiety that I had to keep moving forward -had to always prove myself over and over and that at any minute, it would all collapse around me. This mostly happened after I was laid off and I tell you it was traumatic. Add to that starting a family and the immense feeling of responcibilty to support them made it all the worse. In the end, my priorities got all turned around .I thought that if I worked hard enough and worried enough that I wold eventually be happy and my family would be secure. Litle did I see how self-destructive this thinking was and what a wreck it was making me. I couldn't see it. It took D-Day to radically realign my priorities. As a consequence, I now have a healthier, albeit less ambitious outlook on my working life. It was a big change. We'll see how my employer deals with the new me -

Funny thing is, now that my M is back on track, I can see hints of the old me surfacing now and then, but at least now I recognize it and put it all in perspective.

D-day shattered me completely, but allowed me to put myself back together again in a better way I think. Maybe I' was lucky -lol.

I don't know your husband's situation, or what his triggers are. I don't know what to tell you, but it sounds like he needs to talk to someone about this stuff and get his own house in order. Maybe you cold use someone to talk to as well?

I found that our MC was a great aid to us both as individuals as well as a couple -it let us begin to understand each other better. Maybe you can give it a try after all?