I haven't asked her about the keylogger. Again, no matter how I asked about it, she would have taken it as an accusation which is what I was trying to avoid.

She (like me) does have a habit of internalizing how she deals with stress (tends to try to deal with it herself) but we've BOTH been doing so much better about it that this took me by surprise.

I'll try reaching out to her again on things...we're talking about doing a date or something this upcoming weekend, so perhaps that might help relax her enough to talk with me.

Thanks for the advice 2BN.

Hi Cards! Good to hear from you.


Cards - I've found it better for me to be open with my husband regarding my thinking. I have had to be open with him regarding what I was dealing with. If you haven't checked my posts out on the recovery board...I was still having major struggles searching online for the OM wherever I could search. I have stopped and have sought my husband's help. He has been supportive in helping me through some issues as mentioned a recent issue in one of my posts above on my emotions during/after a women's prayer group. But, I am going back to counseling (on my own)to get some help with some issues. I've only gone once so far and am going back today.

I also read 2 books - "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore and am finishing "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things". Both of these books have been a MAJOR help to my recovery and helping me to see some things about myself.

Maybe IC would be good for you Cards if you've been considering it?

Well, since I've read the new posts, I would probably be a little concerned, too. Don't minimize the effects of stress. Stress can make a person withdraw and question things - BUT it doesn't necessarily mean they act on them. You 2 have come back together and strengthened your M over the last year. Try to find out what you need to know, but respect her need for her own thoughts. I would not even utter the words EA to her. Surely when you questioned her she understood your concern???? Did she not give you ANY reassurance?

Hey Cards, nice to hear from you...I'd missed your first response to me as I think we were cross posting then.

She's made some small gestures to reassure me, but she's actually made it clear that she's just not wanting to talk about whatever is bothering her at this point. I'm not sure if it's the stress with the kids, or something else. I could be making something out of nothing...I admit it. At this point, I'm not going to get confrontational, as I have nothing to be confrontational about. With the keylogger, I'll simply hold off and see if it continues...and if it does, I'll see if I can find a way to further disguise it or set it up so that it can't be stopped from the process menu. We'll see what happens.

Thanks for letting me bend ya'll's ears...just keep us in prayers. I'll let you all know if something further happens.

Update-

No major revelations. I know that most of the stress in our lives right now is being caused by our oldest kids...and my wife and I teamed up and gave them an ultimatum yesterday about behavior and expectations for living in our household.

I'm thinking now that I'm just getting too frazzled by all of the stress and worrying over nothing as far as any problems between my wife and I.

I'm going to just try to relax and quit worrying so much about things...keep working on doing the right things for us, but at the same time just try to focus on those things and stop worrying about anything else.

2BN, Cards, and Sys- Hope ya'll are doing well.

Owl - Sounds like you have the right attitude. Teenagers can be a major stress at times and getting on the same page with your W sure helps.

Is your W still being distant or has that passed?

Things are doing well on my end. I had a good IC session last week and feel that I'm making some progress. Have you or anyone had an "early childhood recollection" evaluated in one of your counseling sessions? I found it interesting and felt it related very much to why I make the choices I made. She stated that it was my "style of life" that was set at that young age.

2BN-
Saw your 'greetings' post, and then it disappeared.

Yup, I'm still here...LOL.

Things are going OK...kids are still creating a lot of stress, but we're doing our best to deal with it. Wife has commented to a friend (female! LOL) that I'm tired and irritable a lot lately, which may be true to a degree, but I sure hadn't thought I was as bad as she's made it out to be.

I'm not sure what to think about anything at this point. I guess it's just that my wife is recovering a lot faster from all of this than I am...which is no surprise when you think about it.

Hope things are going well for you friend...as well as Cards, Sys, and everyone else.

Owl - Glad to hear you are doing OK.

I'm doing well for the most part. Some days I struggle with thinking about the past, but then I try to push forward and snap myself out of "looking back". Right now, I'm in that stage of "1 year ago" today I was in the midst of the EA with the OM and I remember certain dates and conversations. I wish I didn't get reminded or that my mind wouldn't think there.

And I'm really trying hard not to mention these reminders to my husband, but it's hard not to when they bother me!

Hope everyone else is doing well!

So is your 'looking back' a wishful (I miss him) kind of thing, or is it a remorseful (I wish this had never happened) kind of thing?

Well, the EA and OM's name aren't taboo in our house...we'll occasionally talk about what happened or mention OM in context of what happened or in reference to some of the online game stuff, so I'm not clear on the not mentioning this to your husband thing.

No. It is not a "missing him". It is more like the triggers and reminders, and they lead to thoughts about a conversation that happened between OM and me. I don't feel an "I miss him" when these reminders happen. Something comes up and reminds me of something during the EA. It bothers me because I still get these reminders, and then I feel I must verbalize them to my husband. He will talk with me regarding this, but I feel as if maybe I do too often. Most everyday there is some mention of the EA or the OM. It may not be anything lengthy, but most often every day it occurs. An example would be that my husband's parents had just been on vacation in the area where the OM works. As they talked about the city...how could I not be reminded? It didn't even cross my husband's mind...but it did mine. Then those thoughts lead to reminders of conversations I had with the OM.... I have to tell myself to STOP to get the thoughts that flow into my head OUT of my head.

I think these reminders may be stronger now because I often think of things in terms of dates and this was all happening 1 year ago from today. And then I thought this morning...2 years ago tomorrow was the date OM1 came to see me. The last 2 years of Octobers were not good months!

Whoa!

Thought the board was kind of dead so I haven't been checking in!

Sorry to hear you're having a bit of a time Owl, sounds like maybe the level of stress in the house might be catalyzing both you and your W's behavior?

I can relate. Things have been wonderful for me and my W. Better than ever really. That said, I do get the occasional twinge of doubt. Or I find myself reflecting on how things were -especially right after D-Day. There are a few triggers for it. Some revolve around the game -she plays sometimes during the day and talks with a number of our guildies -some of whom are men. It really doesn't bother me, but if I get just a touch paranoid, some of those old feelings rise to the surface. Could this be part of your case to?

It's weird how some things get me thinking about how it might have ended up for us. On D-day we had scheduled haircuts. Despite everything, we went anyway. Now, whenever we go in to get haircuts, I think about that day. It doesn't really bother me, but it does keep it in mind. Also, on that day, I took our kids to buy my W a valentine's day gift (of all things). When she wears the jewelry we picked out, it reminds me of how I was feeling that day (I don't want to tell her that b/c it would hurt her and the kids -it's just a tiny thing for me really -and frankly a fresh reminder isn't always a bad thing).

Anyway, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that there are a million little triggers for the BS, ones that we aren't even always conscious of. When these things pop up, I find it helpful to ask myself if I'm being rational about it or am I imagining there is more to it than there is.

I do hope for your sake that she will talk to you about what's on her mind. Regardless of what it is, since she knows it bothers you, she should be open with you. I'm sure you heard it before, but one of the definitions of dishonesty in a marriage is that it's not just lying, it's concealment. That could apply to whatever it is that she is keeping from you. Not trying to lawye ryou up on it, but she has to know that she's only making things worse by not talking to you.

Hi Sys - Seems we were posting at the same time. It's good to hear that you and your wife are doing so well!

Interesting how you have many triggers as well. I guess this is normal and most likely will occur for awhile. Your post made me feel a little better about the triggers and thoughts I get at times. My husband doesn't really think about it as much anymore...only when I bring it up. I think that's why I think I shouldn't bring it up to him as much because... why make him think about it too?

CARDS, 2BNormal...there is a post here by a gentleman named Barge who's wife had an EA...while it wasn't online, I still thought that perhaps you might be able to provide him with some insight on your feelings and such during the EA and withdrawl....calling you out my friends!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Owl, I thought you would find this of interest:

http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2005/11/3/115030/460

Hey Owl! I haven't been on here is quite some time....not even browsing until today. I'll take a look over there...

I posted today over on the Recovery Board.....

Hi All if anyone is still around.....

Triggers.....my EA started around this time last year. Almost everything associated with the holiday season right now is triggering me back to conversations and times spent with OM. Amazing that after so much time has elapsed. I guess it just speaks to the depth of "emotional" affair. What an impact....

DEAR Cards.
I am SO GLAD that you posted an update.
I have wondered OFTEN how you are doing---wondering if you are still coming here and reading. (And wondering how the others that had posted here are doing also.)

This thread has been such a Safe Haven for so many of us.
It is not a place where we condone one another's bad behaviour but a place where we understand one another's emotional needs.

I quit posting way back last Spring because I was continuing my online affair and it didn't seem right,
what with all of you that were going through withdrawal.

I am officially in WITHDRAWAL now...since Nov 22. I will explain later.

I had lost my ID password so had to get a new one.
I also had to open a new email acct because MB would not
let me get another ID using the same email address.
My previous ID was ItWontRainAlways.

I wrote Lemonman an email, asking him to post HIS STORY and also told him about the OM and asked him to post it on his ADMIRATION thread but he didn't so I will here.

This is what I wrote him:
"By the way, I had an online affair with an older man that I went to school with many years ago...that recently ended because the OM had to give his password to the lady that lives with him in order for her to access his computer....soooooo all email between us has stopped and
I think I am in what is called WITHDRAWAL...we had a wonderful caring loving friendship and I will miss him. (And NO husband doesn't know)

We actually got together two times when he was back for the school alumni.
NO SEX but lots of kissing and hugging. (And even though that sounds like I am a BAD person, I actually am a good person that was on the WRONG road for awhile.) I probably still would be if he hadn't STOPPED the communication.)

Like Cards and the other ladies here, I am a good wife, daughter, sister, mom and grandma. This was just an escape from reality I think....and it felt SO GOOD to be admired and loved by someone else...(H is often a grouchy & negative man, this man treated me like a goddess.(well a SPECIAL lady for sure) "

Cards, I KNOW YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I WROTE THERE.

I will post OM's email later.
It is just so strange not to be able to email him any more.

No one but he or she who had been there, can understand the emotional heartache and void when the OM or OW is no longer in our lives. They gave us attention, affection and friendship for many months.

We gave a portion of our heart to them and it is difficult to fill that VOID.

Cards, I wonder if you have had any contact whatsoever with the OM since you first started this thread?

Your 'sister' in all of this
Mary

Mary....

It is great to hear from you! Of course I remember you, and had often wondered where you went. It has been a very strange year for me and it sounds like it's been that way for you too! My EA seems to have been the beginning of a process for me. It has been complicated, and yes, I did falter. I truly believe that I had to take some additional necessary steps in order to have greater understanding about myself. It has been a long process which I am still in the throes of, and I am amazed that a year later this is still an issue in my life. I know this isn't very clear, I will elaborate more later. Right now you need to hear about getting through withdrawal!

I am so glad you found the strength to move forward. Yes, it is so hard to let go of something that meant so much and gave us what we needed. All of us here know EXACTLY how you're feeling. You need to go back and read all the links & info about withdrawal. It is a VERY hard time, but it will get better every day. Trust me...IT WILL!!! You are very early on and I know it's extremely painful. Just get through each day, one at a time. I can vividly remember those first weeks of withdrawal. I had physical withdrawal & emotional withdrawal, but it gets better. Do the best you can to keep yourself busy and think of other things. I know it's easy to say, but time is the best thing on your side.

Keep posting here....I will watch the site for you. I'm pretty sure that I can identify with anything you're feeling.

Cards-

Very nice to see you again friend!!! I hope that you're doing alright. I honestly think that triggers are the reason they say that it takes two years to recover from an A...the first year is spent repairing the relationship, the second is spent learning to deal with the triggers.

What kind of triggers are you dealing with? Hope all is well in your R with your husband still. I can imagine it's hard to deal with especially when things happened around a major holiday.

My wife doesn't really talk about when she triggers...in her case, I really do think she's put it out of her mind 99% of the time. We talked a week or so ago when a show came on that kind of brought things up. I told her I didn't care much for the show because of that...she hated the fact that I still triggered on things like that now, even though I didn't overreact at all. She really just feels guilty whenever something brings it to mind. But we ARE able to joke about things occasionally to.

Again, keep posting if it will help you friend. It's nice to hear from some of the people who helped me out too.

Mary-

I don't think I was on the site before when you were, but I do hope things get better for you. The withdrawl can be tough...but keep to your guns, and listen to the advice of those who have been through it. You've reached out to Cards...I've got a lot of respect for her working through things.

Right now, just stick to NC, and do the best you can to manage your stress. Try to get out and do what you can...the more you can work out and wear yourself out, the less time you'll have to sit and hurt. And it's also a great way to try to help yourself sleep during this kind of time too. Hang in there...you CAN make it through this.

Of everyone that has written on this thread, you OWL are the one I feel the most sorrow for.

The rest of us are selfishly 'whining' about missing the OM and you, dear friend, are the spouse of an unfaithful wife.

I am just sooo sorry for the pain you have endured.
I don't even want to think of what it would be like if my
husband knew.

Cards, please tell us how the contact went with the OM.
I really would like to know. And I have read this thread through several times and come here to MB every day looking for similar problems and advice.

I said I would post the OM's final email and here it is. It seems he is keeping the door kinda open. He is in FL from Oct til May, then back to Ohio.

"first chance i have gotten to write.............here is why you cant send emails.......but
dont worry i know you are thinking of me and i am thinking of you..........in Cinncinati, for 'Jane' to get to her emails she has to log on through my account.........so i had to
give her the password........as such she can look at anything i have in the box.......
so i thought it best to just do away with all emails until i get home in the spring
and establish a new account........

i know she sent you her email address...........the night before we left (for Thanksgiving holiday in Ohio) she said she had a question to ask me...........so she says.........is there something still going on
with Mary *****........and I said yes...........she is my gardening and flower advisor........we exchange
plants........she trusts my financial advice........and i give it to her when she asks..
i said that is it..............now i dont know what she thought.....but that was the end
of the discussion........

so with your husband changing to working at home and with this i think it best to cool it for a while until I can
figure out something ............this does not change anything between us........you
are still my special flower........and i am your old woodie tree..........love you......xxxxxxxxxx
00000000000000000000000000000000"

Well, that is it. I of course did not respond.
He has sent a few 'funny forwards' but no emails.
I don't even want any, his final note was sufficent for me.