P.S. What I just wrote about not wanting any notes from him;
I don't think that is true. I do. Why else would I keep checking my email account hoping for a message?

Mary-

If you're still receiving emails from him, then you're still in contact. If you're still maintaining a 'secret' email account, then you're still in contact.

I don't mean you any harm or disrespect friend, but you know what I'm gonna say.

You have GOT to break it ALL off. Delete your email accounts that OM is capable of sending emails to. Change your phone number if he knows it, etc... Delete your IM accounts with him as well.

Right now you can't see telling your H the truth...but please trust me and understand that it's GOING to happen at some point...read around on this site and you'll realize that your H WILL know the truth eventually...what matters most is HOW he learns it. If you're honest about wanting to help him and minimize the damage done by your EA, you need to tell him yourself. If he finds out on his own, it's FAR worse. Take it from a man who's been there.

Honestly...I really feel if you want to do your best to make things right, now is your chance. Tell your H the truth about what's been going on. Tell him WHY you want to delete your email and IM accounts, and change your phone #. Tell him how much you regret what you've done. Be honest about missing OM, but at the same time this is your chance to change the focus OFF of OM and onto your H. Helping HIM deal with his hurt/grief will help you get past your own. And at the same time, with HIS help you can make NC stick for real. Not just play at it...but really do it.

Don't come up with 'reasons' why you shouldn't do it...because in the end you know that you're really just rationalizing excuses for yourself not to face the consequences of your actions. (NOT a 2x4...an honest assessment of how most people react in your situation) Don't 'wait' to tell him until the time is better...there is NEVER EVER a good time to hear this...but the best time is when YOU go to HIM for help, instead of him confronting you with the truth.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm not anything special...your H too is capable of dealing with this. Especially if you can support him. It's actually pretty amazing what can happen if you both focus on helping each other more than focusing on how much you're hurting yourself. Take it from a voice of experience on this one.

I hope others can join in on this thread to help you out my friend.

NC means NC, I truly wish my WW would do an NC letter, she has continued NC, but I believe an NC letter would help ease her mind. You also must confess to your BH, and be prepared for all He** to break out. Be patient and understanding.

Good Luck

Cards! I'm soooo glad you posted!!! I've been thinking of you because I am experiencing the VERY same as you!! Wow!! I really didn't think it would be this tough almost a year later, but the holidays are hard. I am triggered by soooooo much....so many thoughts of conversations revolving around the holidays! So many of the same events as last year that I remember telling the OM, and of course all of our foolish wishful dreams! I am sooo hoping that once I get past Christmas I'll be OK. The day after Christmas was when the OM's wife found our emails! I can never forget how horrible that felt!

I had a horrible day today! I did something I wish I never did. It's a looonngg story, but I sent the OM a forward about something I felt he needed to know ...well HE REALLY didn't need to know....but these triggers and stuff really had me down and I just did it! I have kept NC since April and now this!!! Well....long story short...I had to pick up my husband about 2 hours later after I sent this forward ( I wrote NO personal message...only a forward of something). Turns out my husband looked at me and said..."don't you have something to tell me????" I said what???? He said he got a call from the OM!!!!! The OM told him I sent him this forward and he had promised my husband months ago that if I ever wrote again he would call my husband! The OM kept his promise! Well, I NEVER remembered that! My husband had no idea who it was calling, but the OM kept saying his name and he finally had to say...I'm BAD (OM's name)!! My husband thought that was very fitting!

I told my husband my intent of the forward and asked him my forgiveness. I had truly not wanted a reply from the OM! It was still soo WRONG and I should have never sent it.
After that, I felt a release of sooo much and felt this incredible love for my husband that it was sooo unreal! I know I messed up, but we both know that it will be OK!

Funny thing is ..when I picked up my husband, it was to go to a funeral. I was crying all the way there because of the mistake I did today! My husband was so sweet and said not to worry because I looked "perfect" for a funeral.

Let me know how you are doing Cards! I really hope these triggers will get better for both of us!

Mary -
I don't think I have ever talked to you and I have been on this thread for quite sometime. What Owl says is true. You must establish NC for you to progress.

I ended all contact with the OM in April (2005)...after not doing so well with NC for 4 months. We still kept the doors "open" from January - April, and I see that with what you wrote as well. Believe me, I know how very hard it is to keep NC. I know how it feels to WANT to leave a little door "open". If you read my post above, I just messed up after about 7 months of NC! However, the OM so very quickly informed my husband. I KNOW NOW it's really OVER and there cannot be anymore more contact from the OM as well!

It's a long road through withdrawal, triggers, etc. VERY hard! But it can be done!

Hope I can be of help to you in some way as both Cards and I experienced much of the same having an online affair

edited to add: I forgot the MOST important thing! It's so important to tell your husband! If you are serious about ending ALL contact with the OM, your husband needs to know to hold you accountable. It wasn't until I told my husband everything of how I kept that little "door" open from Jan - April that I was able to move forward. I don't know if you read any of my posts from way back then, but I struggled big time with the NC! I KNOW how you feel! But, you must tell you husband.

[color:"blue"]^^^^bump^^^^ [/color]

2BN-

Nice to hear from you friend...although I'm sorry to hear your recent issues. I'm glad to hear that OM at least kept his promise and notified your H. I can imagine how painful your conversation with your H must have been after that. It sounds like your H is doing his best to handle this the best way that he can as well.

What you did is every BS's greatest fear for a long time after an A. A 'phishing trip' if you will, to see if OM would bite. I've had that same fear for quite a long time, as you know. That my wife (or OM) would resume contact. In my case, there was no 'promise' between OM and I. He DID finally send an email to my wife asking her to honor HER promise and to break off contact at the end...but I truly don't know that I'd ever find out if contact resumed between them until it was too late.

Please try to remain strong...for yourself, for your husband. You're a great person...just work on doing the right things, and try to get your mind off the triggers if you can.

I was curious if your triggers (and Card's) were of the 'missing what we had' variety, or if they were 'God, what was I thinking' types?

No I can honestly say it wasn't this. My only expectation was for him to read and not reply. I did not want or expect a reply from him. The forward had to do with the forum we met on. I had informed the forum/site of my situation with the OM on there and as a result, the forum made some needed changes to prevent my situation from ever happening again on their forum. I wanted him to know that the forum administrators knew (of our situation) and that the changes on the forum were a result of my prompting.

Maybe I didn't need to send that on to him...but I had been writing on that forum (with my husband's knowledge) for the past several months and all of a sudden the OM shows up on a thread that I wrote on. He uses his old S/N in which he had specifically told my husband he would not use again because he re-registered under a new S/N. I know about his new S/N but the OM doesn't know I know it. So why all of a sudden did he show up with his old S/N on there??? Except to show me that he knows my S/N??? I really don't know. But I was extremely upset and have been thinking and pondering about sending him this information since then. This all happened a month ago. Yesterday for whatever reason (OK a dumb reason!!)...I just sent it on to him

Anyways....the triggers have to do with just remembering. Not wishing back to the times of the EA. It's more of a painful remembering for me and wishing I never went through what happened.

edited to add: Also, my husband was really great yesterday. He understood why I sent that to the OM, however, he wishes I told him what I was thinking. After the OM's call to my husband, I really do realize it is OVER. It was the ultimate in closure for me.

Maybe this thread has been too much of a Safe Haven for us WW having online affairs.
This is the first I have been TOLD to confess to my H.
Thanks Owl and Eagle15 and 2BNormal..(Cards also)
I PROMISE to give it serious thought. (And 2BNormal, I sure do remember you and your struggle to go non contact and your withdrawal pain.)

This may be the perfect time what with my H starting to work from home. (His regular job can now be done from the Internet on our computer at home.)
I have very little chance to be on the computer now that he is using it the majority of the time.

It is just so hard for me to be MEAN to OM or H...Man, this is hard.
(And yeah, I know from reading here that I am being MEAN to my H whether he knows it or not.)

I think many times WS are given advice SO CASUALLY to just stop all contact with OP. As if it were such a simple thing to do; not realizing the depth of feeling us WS had for the OP.

What if you (especially the old timers here giving advice) were told your reading and posting here at MB forums had to COMPLETELY STOP. That it was taking too much time from your family and all the many problems and struggles the good people were having here (that you were involved in helping) was taking too much space in your minds and affecting your marriage.

What if you were told you could NEVER come back here again?
No final message to say goodbye...No CLOSURE; JUST STOP.

I know for me, reading and occasionally posting is almost like an addiction.
When this site was down or my computer wasn't working; I missed MB.

So anyway, I am just using an analogy that for the WS to no longer have contact
with a person that has taken up a lot of their time and heart space, it is VERY VERY
difficult (NOT EASY AT ALL) when we are no longer communicating with them and to
think of a LIFETIME without any communication whatsoever.

CARDS, I (and others) would like to know what happened with you and contacting the OM after all that time and why you thought you needed to.
Did it help you to get over him?

Actually Mary, that has happened before when the
BS wants the WS to stop being on line at all. Sometimes that has to happen to ensure the comfort of the BS.

Mary - I figured out that I do remember you by looking back at the beginning of this thread! I had to jog my memory!

I do know very well what you are saying about how hard it is to be MEAN to the OM. Think of it as not being mean though. Think of it as a protection for your marriage and for the OM as well (he's not married right?) It's an absolute must to do this. I HAD to change my thinking to this to move past it. I also think of it as a protection for the OM and his family. I don't want to ruin his marriage!

Yes it's hard to stop and have NC. I can tell you how very hard it was for me to NOT LET GO! It was hard for the OM as well. We had short conversations and tried everyway possible to keep that "little door open". Then it all stopped for about a month until I received this email from the OM about an update of his son and a situation I had asked him months prior to let me know. At that point, I KNEW I had to tell my husband of this email and for us to take action! I pray that you will see this.

Mary - as I read through that email of the OM you posted...it reminds me so much of the silly stuff and the emotions we think we have for the OM. I know they feel real and we feel this emotional connection with the OM. I know you feel you will be missing something if you let go. But you have to let go of him!

Please...while you are not communicating with the OM during this period while he is away...tell your husband. Find the strength to do so. You will only be able to move past this OM if you do so.

I sure would like to know the answer as to why some of us just don't say goodbye and move on.....I am including myself in this. I can only think that something was reached inside so deep, making it seemingly impossible to let go. I think this is one of those brain-wired gender differences. I have read that often women require counselling to let go of affairs, and even on this site it is said that withdrawal and the whole process is generally harder for women than men. So???

2BN, I do understand, how, after 7 months you would make contact. I have found myself continuing to work through my issues, understanding what I need, trying to put other things in my life to fill those needs. Yet, still, OM is there. Despite all this time and CLARITY of what was, and what is, and what would ever be, OM 'shadows' me. For those of us who cannot seem to emotionally break the ties, I think the only solution is time & no contact. But how much time?

The other factor that could be helping with all this is our H's/M's, of course. For whatever reason, they are not getting to us. Maybe we are not allowing it, maybe they are not trying......As long as we feel that loss of what OM gave us, we will probably revert back to how they made us feel. The key is defining & filling that loss.

Owl, it does not sound to me like your W is having these problems like some of us. Don't let our stories cause you concern. She seems like she has handled it and has moved on. And even if she would have similar feelings like us, she is obviously working on your M and bettering herself just as we are trying to do. As long as we keep working & pushing in the right direction, we will get there. Just because we have lapses, does not mean it all starts back at day one. We all have good days & bad days, where we make good decisions & bad decisions. Granted, steady, continual contact will just draw the process out, but we can't focus on the fact of making contact. Just focus on the next day, week, month.

Mary, I cannot tell by your post if you have made the decision to end your EA, or if it is temporarily ended due to the email situation. Clearly, your OM does not consider it ended. Do you? It sounds like you have experienced a D-day but I did't read anywhere that you have broken if off or that he has. Did I miss something?

Cards - Yes, the OM is still there somewhere isn't he? I'm really glad you posted because I thought I was going crazy!
I also realized this yesterday....IF I would have checked on here first before I sent that email to the OM, I probably wouldn't have done so. The time you posted, Cards, was about the time I was sending the email to the OM!!

I think it's hard for us because we associate so many "good feelings" and how the OM made us "feel" that sometimes when we are stressed or things might not be going well with our husband's or family, we want to think back on what made us "feel good". But lately, these triggers have been hard.

I have been through some counseling, Cards. I don't know if it helped me a whole lot. It helped change some of my thinking, but ultimately it IS up to me! I have to want to move past and find the way that I will do so.

Mary - I agree with Cards about the email from the OM. It seems as if the door is left open. And also I was thinking of this......If the OM really wanted to contact you...he could use another "secret" email account? Don't you think he's playing games with you? Is this what you want? You really deserve soooo much better Mary!

I forgot to address the triggers. I do not feel at this point that the memories are 'triggers' for me. I think of that term as something that happened to me early on that would set me back into the addiction/withdrawal of the EA. It is more accurate to say that some things just bring back memories of conversations, etc. Granted, it's probably not particularly healing to have all these resurface, but I think I can 'feel' them and learn from them at this time. These are bittersweet feelings. I am at a place where I objectively "see" what my EA was, but know that it can/will no longer be. So, Owl, the bittersweet memories encompass both the ideas of 'what was I thinking!' AND 'how nice and good it felt'.

Cards - I think you summed up these memories pretty well and it's how I feel too. I think yesterday was the first time I told my husband that the OM was BAD! The OM, himself, called himself that when he was telling my husband who he was. What we did was so very wrong. We did some awful things that I do not wish anyone to EVER know! It's painful to think how I was a year ago and the things I did and said.

Those conversations we remember are hard...at least for me. Just too much over this time of year and with it ending right after Christmas.

Recently we have been dealing with some deaths and today one of my best friend's Dad died. We saw him last night and there were many people there from our church for support for the family. When I think of these times, I think...wow...what was I thinking a year ago? Where would I be if I would have left for the OM? I would not have the love and support and warmth of my family and those I love. Just a reflection my husband and I had yesterday. Yesterday and today really put things into perspective for me!

This is the first week my husband is going to be working from home all the time. Whew, gonna be hard to get some alone time to read and write here at MB.

I don't really know where I am in my life concerning this online affair.
I have known for a long time that it would be better if I just absolutely and completely stopped.

A little part of me feels relief that I cannot write him anymore and at the same time such a feeling of loss. I WILL NOT WRITE HIM; of that I can PROMISE.

Owl, and other betrayed spouses, I hope you realize this NEED some of us have (had) for romance, adventure, attention and affection from someone else has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.(It was not your fault in the slightest.) As hard as it must seem for you to believe, everyone of us love our husbands and he is the one we want to grow old with; it is just a FLAW inside of us.

And as you read 2BNormal, Cards, my and others messages, you can see we did become attached to the OM because of the
way THEY MADE US FEEL ABOUT OURSELVES. (Special and Pretty etc.) We knew all along that it was wrong yet we allowed it to continue.

And like Card's very first message in her thread. We are smart intelligent moral women.
SO WHAT HAPPENED TO US TO MAKE US DETOUR?

Cards, we would still like to know what happened when you contacted the OM after many months of No Contact.

Mary - I KNOW this is hard for you. I've been there, but I can tell you it gets soooo much better once you let go completely! It really does. I know you can't imagine not ever talking to the OM again...I felt that way too. Just could NEVER think that could be possible! But you know what? Me and countless others like you have been exactly where you are. NOW is the time to make your choice to completely end it. Do you really want to continue in this misery? What will happen if you continue? We all know it doesn't get better...it only gets worse the more of this "secret" you keep.

I am glad you have decided NOT to write the OM. It is a small step in the right direction.

I don't know how long you have been married or if you have children?

Mary - I forgot to add...I don't know how long this has been going on with the OM for you? Let me know ok? If you remember any of my story, I had 2 online EA's back to back. The first one lead to the 1st OM coming to see me and it was physical for 3 days before he went home. Let me tell you this...IT WAS NOT WORTH IT!!! I am disgusted to think back that I had this OM come see me! I do not wish for that to happen for you! The 2nd OM in my situation (this is one I had the hardest time letting go), I never met. Almost was going to meet him before it all ended. For that I am VERY THANKFUL!

Anyways, the point of this - is I want you to see that all of this with the OM is not worth continuing. I can look back now and say that. I'm here to encourage you OK? Feel free to write and I'll listen.

Mary-

You asked what us 'old-timers' (not sure if I qualify for that or not) would do if we were asked to suddenly and completely quit posting on MB. Assuming it really was for the benefit of my marriage, I'd do it in a heartbeat. And, I'd take the actions needed to prevent myself from coming back as well. I could make it so that I couldn't access this site from work, home, etc...

It's not really a good comparison tho. A better comparison would be in comparing asking a cigaratte smoker to stop smoking. To do so in order to save his health and his marriage. It's fighting an addiction to something that is unhealthy and doesn't really benefit ANYONE.

No one said it would be easy. But we HAVE said it would be worth it. And it would benefit ALL of you...you, your husband, and even OM. How would it benefit him? Simple...because once HE went through the withdrawl from the end of your relationship, it would free HIM up to start looking for someone that he CAN be with. He won't feel that way right now...trust me. He's as caught up in the addiction as you are. But BOTH of you can and will feel better once you've ended the affair and the truth is out there and you've done the things you've needed to in order to set your life right.

Think about it. No more secrets to hide. No more worry that H will find out. No more lies that you have to keep track of.

And I can understand your message about the affair not being the fault of the BS. And most of the time, I can understand and believe that. But for most of us, there will always be that lingering doubt. I ignore that doubt where I can, but on the plus side it reminds me that I need to maintain the changes I've made in my marriage so that we'll never end up back there again.

It DOES sound to me like God has created a situation for you to finally end the affair and come clean and start HEALING for the first time in a long time. It's now up to YOU to do your part...so start RIGHT NOW in planning out how you're going to reveal this to your H and how you're going to end the addiction, the lies, the worries, etc... First step...come back here and tell us your plan for coming clean and ending the affair. We look forward to your next post!

Well, Owl, no exact plan yet. I think my only plan will be to get through this painful withdrawal before I bring my H into this knowledge of what has transpired.

I want to be able to give him the emotional support he will need without my feeling sorry for myself. I don't know if you can understand what I mean but I THINK I understand.
It has to do with 'timing' and I want to wait til I am somewhat healed. Just today I had an anxiety attack realizing I CANNOT in no way EVER contact OM.

And I believe you are right, God just may be having HIS hand in this to MAKE ME BEHAVE. What with H now working from home, there can absolutely be NO phone calls from OM and limited time for me on the computer. Plus I CAN'T email OM.
That is a GOOD thing to happen to me.

2BNormal, you may have missed in my first reply to Cards, the other day, that I DID meet with OM two times for less than an hour. (He lives 5 hours away.) He stopped by to pick up some plants after this years school alumni and we went for a short ride and shared teenage like kisses.~blush~ I actually am not ashamed. I imagine that bothers me about as much as anything. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CONSCIENCE? (My husband I and haven't shared PASSSIONATE kisses for so long I can't remember when.)

When I posted on this thread before I was "ItWon'tRainAlways",
my posts were in March of 2004.

This is from my first post:
"I feel so ashamed for letting this happen to me. Never in a million years, if you had told me last year that I would be involved with an older classmate from high school, I
would have said "NEVER".(I am 48, he is 57)

We started emailing after our school's alumni, I think I pursued him as I wrote the first email and he sure responded. He was a widow man for a year and sure liked me a lot and has been so wonderful to me. (So our email friendship has been going on for one and one half years.)

However, he has been in Florida this winter and has met a lady that he says 'Is very special and they get along so good'....His emails are getting farther apart, I think they may be staying together. (They are this year)

So now it is my turn for rejection.
And the part that makes me ashamed is I AM THE MARRIED LADY, it should have been ME that stopped this email affair, not him.

I go on with my life, like normal...No one knows this hurt I am feeling inside and YES I DESERVE TO HURT"

So here it is all this time later(om & I have been email friends for 1 1/2 years) and if I would have stopped the romance back then, I would be a lot better off today. I should have took everyone's advice last March, but no, I had to be weak and selfish and continue the emails and occassional phone calls.~darn~

P.S.I wonder how GENTLESOUL is doing?
And I'm still waiting to hear about Cards re-contacting the OM after all those months of 'sobriety'.