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P.S.S. - Sorry just thought of something else regarding the comment by CamoKnightsWife. It's true that "You cannot force or even coerce someone to make a voluntary decision. It would not be voluntary. "

But - what is failed to be mentioned here is choice. You CAN make the right choice because you KNOW full well what the right choice is. It may not "feel" voluntary or be what you want to do, but you can make the right choice and eventually that "right choice" will feel right.

I believe your husband would have much more respect for you if you made the "right choice" to stop rather than to continue in your secrecy until you get caught. I believe you will have much more respect for yourself as well by making the "right choice". Life is about choices, Mary. Won't you make the "right choice"?

edited to add: BTW - You said you are waiting to quit until you feel convicted to give up your addition. You already are convicted to do so....you are just ignoring the conviction. How do I know this? I've been right where you are!

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Mary-

Just remember this friend.

Only YOU can make the right decisions here. None of the rest of us can do anything to make you do the right thing here. We've provided the best possible advice we can for you, but until something happens to cause you to change your mind, there's not much else that can be done.

Personally, I'm praying fervently that your H find out what's going on sometime soon. Not being vindictive here, but its the only other way that I can see positive change coming into the situation.

The only other thing I personally can suggest would be that you go ahead and start divorce proceedings now with your your H...

Again, I'm not "mad" at you, nor do I wish you ill. Quite the contrary, I wish the best for you which is why I'm praying that God intervene at this point and take action to help YOU and your H out here.

I continue to find it sad that these OM can weasel their ways so quickly into someone's heart that it's nearly impossible for the H to stand any kind of chance without some kind of serious breakdown...I'm reminded how lucky (blessed?) I was in how things worked out for me and my wife.


Regardless of your choices my friend, I'll continue to pray for you and your situation. God is stronger than any of us...at this point, I will just pray for His will to happen here.

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Mary - If you are still reading here, I would like to email you a link to my thread on the other forum where I was pleading for help to get past OM1, but just like you, I couldn't make the "right choice". I posted this January 2004, and when I look back I can see how far I have come. As I said, you remind me so much of me back in January 2004. I received some good advice from many people on there, but just like you, I ignored it and wanted to keep my addiction going....so I continued on my journey with OM1...and then to OM2.

If you want to read it, please post an email address where I can send it to you. I don't feel comfortable posting the link on here....never know who is reading here!

And like Owl, I'll be praying for your husband as well and that God will intervene!

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I know, I know, I am a FOOL but I am stuck in this Friendship and Romance.
My life is like any normal housewife; kinda mundane and this adds some
excitement so until I am convicted to stop, I will have to stop posting here.


Mary, you are CHOOSING to be where you are. Not stuck.

And your marriage is boring because you have elected to invest your energy in a internet-OM, who wants to keep you hanging on for thrills while he has relationship(s) with other women.

I'll say a prayer for your H, who deserves a full-time wife. I'll pray that circumstances prompt you to start on the path Cards, 2BN and I went down. It's hard, but I wouldn't be where you are again for anything.

Married life can be wonderful if you give it a chance. But as long as your heart and mind and actively invested elsewhere, your M will seem boring.

You are electing a life of pain for you and everyone around you. You are doing this voluntarily.

GS

Last edited by gentlsoul; 12/13/05 07:11 AM.

FWW-44 Married to DH 19 years; 2 young DDs DD & NC - New Year's Day, 2005 Together and working to recovery If ever two were one, then we; If ever a man was loved by wife, then thee.
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Mary.......

Don't leave us.....we need you. You need us.


Last edited by cardsonly; 12/13/05 12:34 PM.
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You guys are all so sweet and kind; I will be reading but please, I just CAN'T continue posting. I am ok with you all giving advice to give up OM. Like any person in an addiction, I imagine they KNOW the right thing to do, yet continue on. (You see, I KNOW I am in the wrong, that is why I can't post, I have no defense whatsoever.) You are all RIGHT.

For me to keep posting on a Marriage Building site would be like an alcoholic standing up at an AA meeting saying how much they are enjoying drinking. I did get another long newsy letter from OM. If I posted it here, most would say, "how boring", but it means a lot to me just to hear about what he is doing. You are thinking "GAG"; I know!

I do have a choice to get out of this online affair. It is a hole I dug myself and climbed into. A part of me doesn't see it as so wrong (like a PA which is VERY wrong) more like a person reading Romance Novels to escape into a fantasy world. Although, OM is a real person, a real friend but neither of us have any intention whatsoever of it ever being more than that. My H is my ROCK and he is the one I want to grow old with.
And yes, I know I am playing with fire with my way of thinking. Any BS reading this (like Owl) I am so sorry as I know this post hurts you and I don't even want to be writing but I just felt too mean not to give a responce.

Owl, you said something about OM weasling their way into our hearts. But you need to realize, us ladies have a way of worming our way into THEIR hearts. OM is just a normal guy, not all that much different than my H. Maybe a little more romantic; he sent this today: http://www.andiesisle.com/InYou.html

I would recommend anyone reading this, to send this site to your own spouse. YOU be the romantic one.

2BNormal, could you post the website you were referring to and soon as I see it, I will let you know and you can delete it?

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Although, OM is a real person, a real friend but neither of us have any intention whatsoever of it ever being more than that.

Mary - but you have already crossed the line to "more than friendship" with this man! Let's see...you kissed him! Ummm...you send "romantic notes"...I'm sorry but you are just trying to justify the "friendship thing". I know this because I have done the same and when I post that link you will see "your exact words" in what I wrote 2 years ago! IF your husband was your ROCK then you wouldn't be doing this behind his back. I don't mean to be harsh....I just know how you are feeling right now.

Mary- have you and your husband ever been to marriage counseling? I can't remember if you mentioned that before.

BTW - I thought both the OM in my situation were more romantic than my husband as well! It's still no excuse for what I did or what you are continuing in.

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To Cardsonly, 2BNormal and all the rest that have been posting here. You have no way of knowing how many are following this online affair topic that are like Mary and involved in an online affair. I am not proud to confess that I am one of them. I have been reading these posts since this topic was first started last year. I do not plan on getting involved in this discussion. I just decided to register so I could say that you that have conquered this online affair addiction, confessed to your husband and got out, are an inspiration for the rest of us.

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Hi coffeecup - I'm glad you came on and posted. I'm sorry to hear where you are at and involved in this online affair, but I'm glad you are reading and that those of us that have come to the other side can be an inspiration to you.

It's ok if you don't want to post, but if you ever have a question, I'd be glad to answer. I have been in your shoes as you well know. I know what it's like to be where you are right now, and how wonderful it feels to be where I'm at right now. I only wish this for you and for others that may be reading here!

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Cards - if you are reading here...you are welcome to email me at that email address I posted as well. I will be deleting it after I hear from Mary.

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Coffeecup...

If you have followed this thread since February when I first started it, you will see the varying journies we have all been on. I do not know if I will ever "conquer" this. Remnants of the EA will always be with me, I am sure. I have grown and been forced to learn a lot about myself over this past year. I have a new understanding about relationships, emotions, and love. My M has a long way to go, it didn't get into bad shape overnight and it won't be mended quickly either. Many of us that succumbed to an EA did so unaware of what was happening. It has been a tremendous learning experience.

We have all helped each other here, and I encourage you to post and write. All of us have had ups and downs here, and almost ALWAYS, someone's post is helpful to someone else. For everyone reading here, please feel free to post anytime no matter what stage you are in. Sometimes I am struggling but do not want to post my feelings, and just reading someone else's post can be very helpful.

Mary, please contact me if you wish, I think we can help each other.

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Thank you 2BN....I made a note of it. Feel free to email me as well. I feel like we all know each so well....

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Cards - Please email me your email address...you already deleted it off here before I read this!

Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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Owl, you said something about OM weasling their way into our hearts. But you need to realize, us ladies have a way of worming our way into THEIR hearts. OM is just a normal guy, not all that much different than my H. Maybe a little more romantic; he sent this today: http://www.andiesisle.com/InYou.html

Hey Mary-

Didn't your H do things like this when you were first dating? Do little things like give you cards, flowers, whatever it was (think about it, he did SOMETHING to attract you to him)??

OM is NOT more romantic than most others...the difference is that he's courting you. That is IT. Your H has no idea that you've done what you have...he's not courting you because at this point he's believed that he's already won you. He has no idea that you've gone so far astray in your heart.

Oh yeah, OM sent the EXACT same kind of cards...even from that same website to my wife!

You're right in pointing out that he's just a man like others. In fact, there are only a few differences between him and your H that I'd like to point out.

1. OM is sending love letters, etc... TO A MARRIED WOMAN!!! KNOWING she's married!!! (can you see your H doing that?)

2. Your H is with you, even knowing all the bad things about you. I had this conversation with OM myself shortly after d-day. They THOUGHT they knew each other enough to be in love with each other. But what they were really in love with was the mental picture they'd created of each other. They hadn't been together enough in person to have destroyed that image yet. He hadn't rolled over and tried to kiss her with beer breath or cigarette smoke on his breathe. She'd not come home to his place and had an asthma attack because of the residual smoke in his house. They hadn't had a chance for him to REALLY feel insecure in things and forbid her from seeing me (it was coming if she'd gone to him...he was clearly jealous from the very beginning). He'd never been in the bathroom when she'd dropped a REALLY bad one...LOL! Never had to help her deal with her anger when the kids REALLY got her upset. I can go on and on and on...simply realize that they never had the chance to disillusion each other. AND YOUR OM HASN'T HAD THE CHANCE TO DO THAT TO YOU YET EITHER!!! But, your H has. He's been there with you at your worst...and you've been forced to see him in REALITY...not just a person you IM/text/email/chat with. But guess what...your husband is still with you, and still loves you...even WITH all the day to day things.

Mary, I could keep going on. But it's pointless, because you're still at the exact same point you were when you were on this thread before. Again, I just pray that something happens in your life that brings this affair out in the open...so that your marriage gets a REAL chance at things.

The only other suggestion I have is this...if you just can't bear to let OM go...then let your H go. Go to him and tell him that you want a divorce. That he deserves someone else. Don't sit here and keep him fulfilling some of your needs while OM fills others...because I can garauntee while you're in the throes of this affair, you are NOT fulfilling your H's needs either. Think about it.

Done...nothing left to say, /rant off.

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Owl-
You have really "touched" on what the draw is in the online affair. It's that fantasy of what we think the OM is and what they are fulfilling for us. Those needs being met "feel good" and it's so difficult to give up and walk away from it. Look at your wife, me and Cards...none of us willingly walked away while in the midst of it. It took some "event" to happen to make us stop and realize the darkness and mess we were in.

Owl - Do you think your wife would have willingly walked away from the EA without the "event" that happened to cause her to stop and realize what she would be losing?

For me, I KNOW God's mighty hand was in it to put an end to the EA. I don't think it was by some "accident" that the OM's wife found our emails. Both the OM and I knew what we were doing was wrong, but yet we could not stop even though we talked about ending it. We kept getting drawn back into it.

My prayers are that God's mighty hand will intervene!

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I need to add this. I did willingly walk away from OM #1. But I only did so because I was talking to OM #2 - we were not in the EA at the time, but I had him to talk to and fufill a need.

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2BN-

I think you're right on the money. No, I don't think my wife would have ended it and walked off on her own if I hadn't discovered what was going on and fought so hard to end it. Even afterwards, she was insistent for about two months that she should be allowed to maintain contact with OM 'as a friend'. And was soooo angry at me for 'controlling her by telling her who she could have as friends'.

But, I also know that my wife DIDN'T CONSIDER coming to a site like MB. She didn't tell ANYONE AT ALL about what was going on...and so didn't have ANYONE who could give her outside advice. And I have to admit the fact that he bought her plane tickets escalated the whole thing to a MUCH higher level than it had been previously. It actually forced her to make a FINAL choice immediately. Here they went from being at the point where they were talking about meeting for the first time to 'see if what they had worked in person' to suddenly facing the idea of living together without having previously met. Had that not happened, it would have likely taken MUCH longer to sort through everything.

But, here's another difference...Mary came here seeking advice. Unlike my wife, she's actually reaching the point where she's got to make that choice without any other pressures going on...which in a lot of ways is bad. She's put herself in a position where she has let this go on for a year.

My money says that her H has a decent idea that things are pretty bad in their R. She hasn't mentioned whether or not H knows anything about the OM at all...like she talks with him at all. My case, I knew the OM, and had some idea that my wife was IM'ing him...I didn't know it was all day long, along with those same flowery e-cards, phone calls, etc... By now, Mary has begun investing so much emotionally into her R with OM, that her M has HAD to have suffered...and her H is probably going crazy trying to figure out why, but something has kept the light from coming on in his head.

Mary, you need to realize that the light WILL come on someday...and probably much sooner than you plan. My wife figured I'd learn something...but of course it happened WAY before they expected. Your H WILL find out about this eventually...it's going to happen. And if he finds out the way I did, by finding out on his own, the chances that he'll be able to respond to it without committing MAJOR LB's to you are very very slim. And he's going to be more destroyed by your lies and deception than anything else...again, take it from someone who's been there.

You need to stop right now, recognize that your time with OM is limited...and that you're going to be forced to deal with the consequences of all of this some day. But, what you have to deal with can be controlled...BY YOU. If you choose to do the right things, on your own, BEFORE your H finds out, it greatly increases the chances that things can be fixed...it will reduce the damage somewhat.

You're not back in reality yet. You've refused to realize that this WILL end at some point. That your H WILL find out someday. That you're going to HAVE to face up to what's gone on, and make some hard choices and do some hard work to deal with this. But as I've said...this all falls back on YOU to choose how you want to do this. Just how badly you're willing to hurt your H by maintaining this affair. That's what your balancing right now...the longer you keep the affair going, the more you're going to hurt your H...it's unavoidable. And right now, you're choices are completely selfish...no attack friend...simply telling you what it is. You've placed your own temporary happiness over the damage you know this will have on your H.

Honestly, I'm praying that your H finds out what's going on right now...and that God helps him to deal with things so that the best possible outcome can come out of this. That it happens soon, so that your M has a chance to heal.

Go read my thread again, and look at where my wife and I are at now. I worked from home yesterday...totally unplanned. She was ECSTATIC...she had me all to herself. Before, she would have been upset because it would have ruined time between her and OM...but not now. You can get to this point too...really.

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Owl -
I have been communicating with Mary a bit off of here on emails. I have shared my thread on the other forum with her to where I came on there pleading for help with OM #1. I received so much good advice. I too had asked for advice and needed to make a choice to continue or end, but I couldn't end it! Let me tell you, it's easier to hide from it, than to make a choice. A choice where you know there will be so much hurt (on both ends).

But as you said Owl, it will end one way or another. These things NEVER go on for eternity as much as we think they will when we are involved in the midst of it. We REALLY can't imagine them ever ending. We are in this "la la land" to where all is going to be "happily every after". Someone always starts to get "relaxed" and not so careful. Your sins will ALWAYS find you out!

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Any updates on the Mary situation?

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DEAR Owl.
Just a little note to thank you for your kindness and caring. I hope you understand why I can't post here since my 'friend' and I are still in email communication.

Again, I am only writing you because I feel 'mean' not
to respond. I am not asking for advice. Most of us that
have been reading here as long as I have, already know the right thing to do.

I don't think there is one thread here on MB that is written by a WS. (Not a FWS.) I DON'T BELONG HERE, so please accept that, dear Owl.

Cards and 2BNormal are both good women that would not betray anything I write to them in confidence through personal emails.

There IS a light at the end of this EA tunnel; I just need to follow it.(In other words, there is a way out but it is sure not easy.) BECAUSE I like being in the tunnel and until I WANT OUT, no amount of heartfelt coaxing from anyone will help get me into the light.

I wish I could tell you differently but that is where I am now. It is foggy thinking for sure.

Thanks again, Owl. (and others)
Mary

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