I am letting go of him completely! In order for me to do that I had to make sure he wasn't posting on the forum.


I have made the choice. I am no longer posting on that forum. The OM is no longer posting there. There is NO more connection to this man.


I struggle with this statement. In order to get him OUT of my thoughts, the OM needed to be OFF the forum. It was completely WRONG for either of us to go back to the forum where it all started and post there. Neither of us should have been there. No he is NOT my concern, but I struggled that he went back there KNOWING I was there! He was deceitful in "hiding" from me on there.

Owl, I do understand you mean well and as a BS, I do understand where you are coming from. But, I had some issues that I deeply struggled with regarding that forum. For my own sanity in moving past this, I HAD to confront the OM on the forum and make him realize that NEITHER of us should be there. If I posted and he didn't post, he probably would read what I wrote, and therefore a "connection"....and the same in reverse. I didn't have the willpower to just walk away. I admit that. So I had to take care of it another way. IT IS DONE. IT IS OVER. There is no more contact with this man.

I'm glad to hear that it's done and over my friend. This is GREAT news.

I'm not sure that I'll truly understand your desire to drive him off of that forum. If the reasoning was so that he didn't prey on others, that's one thing. If it was because he 'didn't deserve' to be on that forum...realize that this is simply a way for you to 'get back' at him. Which was still paying some attention to him.

My wife and I saw her OM in game right at about a year after the EA ended. It bothered the heck out of me. I got the shakes, the desire to "do something about it". But, my wife kept her calm. She told me that it scared her at first, but then she knew that he'd have no way to know who she was, so she simply stayed away from the areas he was in game. And, I completely believe that she truly didn't care if he was there or not. She never realized that he quit playing again a few weeks later...but I did. In her mind, she'd made the choice not to care AT ALL about whether he was there or not, as long as he didn't actively intrude on her or I. He never tried to contact either of us, nor did she ever even try to see what he was up to in game. She had let him go.

Now...if she suddenly started showing an interest or concern in him again in any fashion, I'd still react strongly to that.

Does this make any sense to you my friend?

Again, glad to hear that you've made the right choice...now, stick to it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Owl,
First off, the OM's wife does not even know he posted on that forum, let alone that he was posting there "knowing" I was there! HE chose to post there KNOWING full well that I was on there against what he knew in his heart would hurt his wife if she knew. The other posters told him, on Wed., that he needs to have his wife's APPROVAL to be posting on the forum where we met. They also told me the same. That I need to have my husband's approval to post there. Good advice for both of us!

I guess for the rightness in all of this, I felt it was best for neither of us to be there. I was NOT a "getting back at him", or "worried that he would prey on someone". It was more of a RIGHT vs. WRONG thing. I guess I do care in a sense in that I do want him to do what is right for his marriage and to honor his wife. In that way, I do care and I don't think that is the wrong kind of caring. It was NEVER done with an intent to get back at him or cause harm or to get him to want to talk to me. It was for a protection for both of our marriages!

There are PLENTY of other Christian forums for him to go to and share his thoughts. He was drawn to this particular forum because he was familiar with it and trusted many of the poster's thoughts and theology. He made the statement in one of his posts on Wed., that "not posting" on this forum will be a consequence to the sin, and he accepted that and that he would not return unless the Lord led him back there and he had his wife's approval. I need to do the same. I needed this to happen for closure in this entire mess!

Owl, this is different that "seeing" a name on a gamesite. It's reading posts...maybe 20 a day that share thoughts and feeling from the heart. Your wife wasn't seeing actual conversations that her former OM was having with other people. She wasn't seeing his words spoken somewhere.

I don't even know if all of this makes any sense to you. But, I do have peace now! I know I will be able to move past this now.

2BN-

This is going to sound a little harsher than I truly mean it, so please take that into account.

You've been here on MB long enough to know 'the rules' so to speak. You understand what is expected as part of NC...and bluntly, while I can understand your desire to be there, if you've got a desire to save your marriage you really have no business even MONITORING a site that OM posts on. And, since you WERE there, you know that you should have immediately told H that he was posting again, and LEFT the site.

There are no real two ways about this...if you truly want to get past the A and heal your marriage, this is what should have happened. Going there to that site where you met OM simply should not have continued.

We may just have to agree to disagree on this point friend, because this really is pretty black and white to me.

I'm anxious to hear how your weekend with H went...I hope that it wasn't a major catastrophe. Let us know how you're doing friend!!

Hi Owl,

I told my H yesterday. Of course he was disappointed as to be expected, but he is really OK now. I know it still put a "little wedge" between us, but he moves on pretty quickly. I explained everything as best as I could to him. He had no interest at all in reading that thread or anything the OM or I wrote on the forum. He basically has NO INTEREST in forums whatsoever. I told him that I will not be posting there anymore and that the OM will not be posting there either. I admitted I was wrong in how I handled it and should not have been there knowing the OM was there.

I haven't read the forum today and I'm making "efforts" to not go there and read. It really is in my best interest(and my marriage's) to not go there and to possibly put myself in the path of the OM in the future (should he decided to go back and post at a later date).

Owl, I need to ask you this based on what you wrote above. I do understand where you are coming from and that I should have just left the forum when the OM came back. I guess I tried to handle it on my own in a way that would help me move past it. My question is that when your wife saw that the OM was back on the game site, did you require her to get off the site? You said that it didn't bother her that he was there, but he WAS there right? And she handled it in her OWN way, by staying off the part of the site that the OM was on. Now, I'm not your W, but as a WW, I know she HAD to have thought about him being there and it HAD to affect her in some way. Any sight of a past OM, has to have some affect...I really believe that your W has moved on quite well...I'm just questioning that maybe she didn't tell you how it affected her?

I would agree that she really didn't want me to know that it bothered her that OM was on...perhaps she was afraid I'd overreact to his being there, especially if I knew that she felt anything about him being there.

I will reiterate that it bothered ME that he was there...and it did bother me that she was still in game as well. What HELPED was that I was able to verify that she DIDN'T have anything to do with him. This was done a few ways...she made a point of grouping up with our sons when she logged in game, plus I could see the log files from the game and verify that he didn't contact her or vice versa.

So, knowing that she DIDN'T contact him helped me, but just the simple fact that he was there and it COULD happen bothered me quite a bit. I was very relieved when he quit logging in...and have been glad that none of us have seen him on since. At least, not on any char that we could tell was his...nor has there been any indication that he's tried to contact her in ANY fashion...or vice versa.

Honestly, I WANTED to tell her to stay off the game for a while...but didn't push for that when I saw how she handled things. She took a few other measures to ensure that he wouldn't have known who she was in game, and so given those reassurances plus what she was doing to prove to me that she wouldn't allow any issues to come up, I didn't try to make leaving the game a requirement. Now, we DID discuss what we would do if he contacted her...and leaving the game for a while (or moving to a different server base which would have made it virtually impossible for him to find us) was definitely on the table.

Hope this helps you to understand our situation a little better. Even now, the thought of my wife resuming ANY kind of contact with OM is not something I'd care to dwell on. I really don't know that I would react in nearly the calm, thoughtful way that your H has.

At any rate, I'm glad to hear that things went well. As far as not going back to that site...as I suggested, you might consider talking with your IT team and see if they can block that site for you. Just a suggestion.

Thanks for explaining the situation better. It does sound like she handled it well. I guess from the standpoint that in a game, you are NOT reading written words of the OM as in my situation in the forum. At least you were able to verify that they had NO communication between the 2 of them

I had purposely engaged in a couple of threads that OM was on (within the last month) and he "responded" to my questions and the debate of the thread, but he didn't "let on" that he knew it was me. He "tried" to treat me as any other poster that would have posted. No excuse for what I did, but my reasons (and dumb ones) were to make the OM realize that I knew it was him...but I don't ever think he caught on to that until I made him aware of that last Wed. So, I wonder why he chose to engage in those posts with me on those few threads when he knew it was me? He claims to have put up "blinders" to the fact that I was there, but he could have just ignored me and left the thread. Oh well, I analyze too much and this is behind me now!



Well, he didn't react calmly! He was angry and disappointed when I told him. He is just very calm about it now and is over it.


We don't have an IT dept. We are a small office of 11 here. No separate departments. It will have to be all on me to not go there. I did try to figure out how to block the site on my own, but I can't figure that out! Each day that I don't go there...I'm sure I'll get stronger in it. Doing well so far today!

Page out to Cardsonly and 2BN and IWRA and Sysyphus...there is a poster named Dolias who has a thread and could use your input and advice....thank you friends!

Thanks Owl. I'll take a look, however, it seems that my words are not welcomed here lately.

Well, just remember...

"I got yer back, Sistah!"


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Owl! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Hey, I got a free book from my email being read on Dr. Harley's radio program last week. They sent me Surviving an Affair. We never bought that book, so it will be good to read it.

Very cool. Don't tell anyone this...but I've never read SAA or HNHN at all! LOL! Glanced through both of them at the book store a time or two...but that's about it.

Actually the only stuff I've read from the Harley's was the info on this site.

It's sad how many times we see cases EXACTLY like what Sys and I went through here...he and I got lucky that we found out before it went PA, but that was just the way things worked out for us.

Keep posting here friend...IMHO it helps a lot to have a FWW who can help people see that side of things, since we know that most WW's are unable to tell their side of things while they're still in the A.

Still looking like my time at MB may be drawing to an end...career changes coming up soon, and won't be able to post/read much or at all. We'll see what happens.

I actually wished they sent me HNHN, but I guess I can't complain about a free book! We had read Torn Assunder together right after I confessed to my husband over a year ago. BTW, yesterday was my one year anniversary on MB!! Time has sure changed things for me and my husband. We are doing quite well now, and I do see a great recovery for our marriage!

Keep us posted on your career change!

Owl-
Have a question for you..

2BN-

Have an answer for you...but I'm not promising a RIGHT answer! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My original question to you was how to get a moderator to respond. I sent several emails requesting "that thread" (if you don't know which one, I'll tell you) be locked and then deleted and then to take care of the request I made to ML.

I know you reported a post last week and I was wondering if you received a response from the moderator?

Anyways, not sure if my request will be handled or not. I'm not exactly thrilled that my name was posted on this forum.

At the bottom of the GQII main page you'll see links to all of the moderators. Click on those, and it will bring up their profile, to include their MB point of contact email address. Drop an email to one (or all) of them outlining the problem, including the thread name and specific issue.

I did get a response from Justuss last week on the issue then...given recent events, I have sent a subsequent email to him as well.

Good luck...I'm sure that they'd be willing to either delete the thread or remove your name. I'm not sure what kind of other action they'll consider, even given what all has taken place.

I copied all of the moderators on the GQII main page as well as justuss, but I did not receive a reply. I requested that the thread be deleted or that my name be removed from ML's posts. They only locked the thread with no reply to me. But, perhaps they want to evaluate all that was said before deleting the thread.

I'm pretty tired of this same issue popping up. I'm tired of the personal attacks. I have let it go and have made clear statements last week on my position for the best of my marriage at this time.

Some GOOD NEWS though. I don't know if I mentioned this in my past posts, but it had been hard for my husband to actually think about celebrating our 20th anniversary coming up. I've posted recently on how my husband has now changed and has granted total forgiveness to me. This has soooo changed our marriage and our recovery. He called me today to say that he feels our marriage IS worth celebrating and that he wants to plan something SPECIAL for our 20th anniversary! God is good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

AWESOME!!!

It does take time for us BS's to get to a point where we really do 'forgive' everything. I got to that point pretty quick compared to many from what I've seen here, but even so it took quite a while.

Good news on my front...I've accepted a new position within my company that is MUCH more along my skillset than what I'm doing now. And honestly I've not been able to enjoy this job...it was literally at the same time that I took this position that the A took place, and it's been hard to shake that association sometimes. So the new job is something of a 'fresh start' for me too.

Good for you Owl with your new position! Will this enable you to continue posting here?